Loss of Brother

[JayBe]

I recently lost my brother in a car accident. He was my only sibling. I'm having some brain fog, lethargy, sadness and oddly, when I'm outside, I think I'm seeing him in different places.

I already deal with anxiety and depression so this is especially tough. 

To combat this, I've made a doctor's appointment to receive a referral to a psychiatrist to perhaps rebalance my meds. I've also joined a monthly sibling grief support group.

I have elderly parents which will now be my responsibility. They are self sufficient and great people so hopefully it will be fine. 

I think my biggest fear is not having any family after my parents pass. 

Thank you for reading. Any insight would be greatly appreciated.

[kayc]

I am so sorry for your loss...I've lost everyone but my siblings & kids, but lost my eldest sister 2 1/2 years ago and it's hard to think of them starting to go, they've been here all my life and we're very close.  Two others I've come very close to losing.  To have only one and lose him, that's really hard.  I hope you'll be able to establish a close friendship with someone who considers you like family so you'll have somewhere to go on holidays, a family to reach out to once your parents aren't there anymore.  You have already taken some good steps and I hope the psych. will be of help to you.  Grief support groups can be helpful too as someone else understands what you're going through and perhaps they'll have some good information to impart to you along the way (I was leading a group before COVID, I actually miss it!).  A grief counselor can also be of immense help.

[PJW]

My brother passed away on October 1st.  I had spoken to him numerous times that week for which I am grateful. Handling his affairs kept me from avoiding the feelings of grief that have since come up clamoring for attention.  They way this always happens is that something physical like sinus or stomach pain seems to come about.  As soon as my brothers affairs started to settle is when the clamoring began.  I have always used writing to express my love for those that I have lost.  My brother was no exception.  He stayed with my Mom in our home until she was too ill for him to handle and needed professional care at a nursing home.  She passed in 2009 but he stayed there until his death in October.  I have so many memories of  him. He was like the dad of my childhood and adolescent years because my Dad passed in 1964.  My brother was just 17. I was 11.   I have older siblings, but at the time they were married and out of the house. Part of handling his affairs is I had to step up to the plate to sell our home. The older siblings are very health compromised.  I didn't realize what the house meant to me until now.  I live out of state and my wife and I had to travel some distance not just for the funeral but to return to take some of the furniture and memorabilia back home with us.  Going through pictures of my family members who are deceased and living, as well as pictures of my brother that died.  I hate grieving....this past week I had noticed spikes in my blood pressure and pain in my abdomen area ( I have an inguinal hernia).  I do think that the high BP is part of the grieving but I needed to get the hernia area checked out. My doctor listened and understood about my experience of loss and how that can affect everything, but she was very concerned about my hernia and intermittent pain and ordered a repair surgery stat.  So now I am waiting to be seen by a surgeon.  Meanwhile through a combination of writing and checking out the doctor my BP seems  to be coming into a normal range.  I have to say I was scared for awhile no matter how much I know about grieving and loss.  Sometimes I feel that the loss of my brother and the loss of my childhood home is overwhelming.  I am the only one left that was raised in that home.

I can identify with JB in that I continue to deal with anxiety and depression but medication and counseling throughout my life have taught me ways to manage it.  I too am sorry for the loss of your brother who was a strength and support as well. 

[kayc]

Welcome to our group.  I am sorry for the loss of your brother.  I lost my sister a couple of years ago, my dad 38 1/2 years ago, my mom in 2014.  It's hard, especially since you were close.  

Its good to find this outlet of expressing your grief and knowing you're heard.  It's not surprising to me that it's affecting your BP.
Read here:

https://whatsyourgrief.com/physical-grief-symptoms/
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/03/physical-reactions-to-loss.html

[PJW]

Thanks for the response Kayc.  I have been to this sight a few times in the past when my other brother passed at age 43,  and when my sister passed at age 63. Though it has been years since both of them died grieving the death of my recent brother age 73 brings back memories of the other 2.  I miss them very much.  Holiday time of course is a flurry of family activity and there is a wole in my heart that can't be filled.  Thanks for being here, again, to listen.

 

[kayc]

I'm sorry you've had so many losses, me too.  I've learned to coexist with my grief.  It should ease up in intensity eventually, although when is different for everyone.  Losing my husband unexpectedly when he was barely 51 and then my soulmate in a dog last year, were my two hardest losses as I lived with and interacted with them continually & it's very hard to assimilate.  But I hadn't expected to lose my sister either, she'd had pneumonia several times & always pulled through, this time she didn't.

[PJW]

Just got a call from a friend who's grandson was killed in a tragic accident on a farm.  In his grieving he asked how I was doing with the loss of my brother.  We shared each others losses and the emotions.  It made me realize, even more so, that death and loss do not discriminate.  I truly felt continued support and love from another besides what my family has given me.  Journaling and exercising also help in expressing my feelings of loss.  What's been a shock to me is how grieving for my brother has taken me back to the death of my dad when I was 11 and how my brother was the first one to reach out to me in support at that time.  He took over as my father figure though he was very young himself.  Tears come forth as a remember how much he loved me through his life. 

[kayc]

It was like that when I lost my companion dog, he was my heart and soul and it reminded me of all of my feelings when I lost my husband 15 years ago.  It can really trigger those old feelings, but rather than bring them back I just think they felt much the same, both very intense and greatly affected my life as I knew it on an everyday basis.

I'm glad you have someone that understands and that you two can be supportive of each other, it does help to share.

[PJW]

It's no surprise that I have a good day feeling wise and then a day full of "bumps in the road".  December 1st was a very rough day. Didn't have a clue until I remember it was 2 months to the day that my brother Dave died.  He passed on October 1st. Today, for some strange reason I have been reminiscing about my Dad who passed in 1964 when I was 11 years old.  While exercising I recalled how my Dad would walk me to church on cold mornings when I was scheduled to serve.  Now I am walking in the present sharing how all my siblings (including my brother that just died) were left with a wound in our hearts that was left by him.  Tears come to my eyes as I wish he was here now.  I take great consolation in my faith and how Jesus was present as the 2 followers walked on the road to Emmaus sharing there grief.  It's kind of like Dad and I sharing on the road. At various times in my life I have always come back to my Dad and the loss of him in my life.  My brother was like a father figure to me....does this make sense?

  

[kayc]

Grief can often bring up other losses, it did that for me when my dog died, not so much that it was fresh (it'd been many years since my husband passed) but I think the grief feelings were a reminder of the previous time I'd gone through such a devastating loss.  It may be doing that for you too.

On 12/3/2020 at 6:12 AM, PJW said:

It's kind of like Dad and I sharing on the road. At various times in my life I have always come back to my Dad and the loss of him in my life.  My brother was like a father figure to me....does this make sense?

Yes, absolutely!

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/04/in-grief-coping-with-multiple-losses.html

See the links at the bottom of this article for more references.

[PJW]

It's been 9 months since my middle brother died.  My own health has not been good and I wonder how much of what I am feeling physically, Mentally, and spiritually is tied up with his death.  He stepped in when I lost my Dad very young.  He was, for a time, a surrogate Dad.  He was a bridge between  the oldest and me the youngest; making sure everyone stayed connected. He was a caretaker for my mom. which, in hindsight, allowed us other siblings to pursue other interests. You know when he died. at home, I wish I could have seen him to say goodbye. I live in another state far away.   He wanted me to come but said don't because of the Covid virus, and the hospital wouldn't have allowed it anyway.

As I sat down to write these few lines this afternoon tears roll down my cheeks.  Not only did my brother die but I had to clean out the house where he lived ( our homestead) and sell it .  It was  a house packed full of memories and  a place to always come home too though as the year went on we didn't come back as often. I have 2 older siblings left back home.  They are much older, and I really didn't grow up with them  as much as the other ones that have passed.  I feel good  that these tears are emerging. My health issues are being addressed and I do believe, to some degree, they are entangled in my grieving.  I come back to this sight periodically to grieve my losses and am grateful for the responses of others. It's an emotional home for me.

[MartyT]

Blessings to you, my friend, and thank you for your kind words about our Discussion Groups site. It is gratifying to learn that you think of this as an emotional home for you. ❤️

[kayc]

I'm, very sorry for what you're going through.  You are so right in that grief can affect us physically.

Physical Grief Symptoms What's Your Grief
Physical Reactions to Loss

[PJW]

Thank you kayc and Marty T for your responses.  Though it has been 9 months since my most recent loss of my brother there is a sense that I am moving into a better space.  I sense the fog (like a protective bubble) beginning to crumble.  The waves are not as strong.  I hate feeling this way and I struggle just to accept where I am.

[kayc]

18 hours ago, PJW said:

I sense the fog (like a protective bubble) beginning to crumble.

Moviing out of fog and into new reality, hard place to be.  Often hit this give or take around six months.

Six Month Mark
Six Month Mark (different link)