Can death ever be considered a good thing?

[kayc]

1 hour ago, nashreed said:

I know now that I didn't cause her passing and it was an accident. I can live with that now, knowing that her suffering is over.

All of your posts touched me, this is a very poignant thread, I'm glad you started it, nashreed, it is good to get this out, not suffer in silence, alone.  It sounds like you did come to a conclusion and I hope it helps you going forward.  And I'm sure you ARE making her proud! 

[nashreed]

Thanks!  The hard part is to figure out my new purpose. It's really daunting to even try to look people in the eye, let alone be social- and in a pandemic. 

I want to get a job again for her. It broke her heart that she couldn't work. She actually was let go from her last job because of her health problems -she had some low blood sugars there, plus if she didn't get good sleep (which was hard because of her pain) on her CPAP, she would not be up to work mentally. She tried so hard, and didn't want to be a burden, ever. 

I believe she's able to visit me and she what I'm up to. I need to be strong, in her memory and for her spirit. She lives in my heart and I will forever love her and know that she loves me. Death is not the end. She's free of the body she hated, that let her down. I will be good because she's good.

[kayc]

It took me years to find a purpose, so be patient with yourself, it'll come to you eventually.  Right now it's to take care of yourself, be your own best friend.  I'm glad you know that hope, that of being together again.

[Gwenivere]

It’s so hard learning to be your best friend when you’ve had that with our lost loves.  I agree on the years for purpose.  I’m still looking.  All the things that gave life purpose were shared with my partner.  It’s a double whammy, them and purpose gone are extremely overwhelming.  I know it’s made it hard to care much about myself beyond physical battles.

[kayc]

You had purpose, it was with the nursing home.  I'm wondering what kind of purpose I have now without the use of my hands.  I hope I never get to where I can't even type.  I would hate being in a nursing or assisted living home, my independence and self sufficiency has always meant so much to me and I have worked damned hard at maintaining both!  But such is old age...plus without Kodie, I feel my will to live would be gone.

Yesterday at our business mtg. I tried to pick up a water pitcher only 1/4 full, and pain shot through my hands, I couldn't even lift it.  The pastor saw me and picked it up quickly and poured me a glass.  This is what my life has become.

It's 7 am and I've already done laundry, brought a wheelbarrow full of wood up to the deck, loaded the fire, taken out the garbage, and a couple other things.  I NEED to be able to do these things!

[nashreed]

13 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

It’s so hard learning to be your best friend when you’ve had that with our lost loves.  I agree on the years for purpose.  I’m still looking.  All the things that gave life purpose were shared with my partner.  It’s a double whammy, them and purpose gone are extremely overwhelming.  I know it’s made it hard to care much about myself beyond physical battles.

It's hard to just not have her around, with her funny little things she did, and her genuinely sweet nature. Nothing she did ever really annoyed me, where my family annoys the crap out of me sometimes. 

I miss being her caregiver, as stressful as that was. I don't even have our big beautiful yard to take care of.

I found out Annette's sister has COVID. She would be so worried and beside herself- I'm a little glad that she doesn't have to deal with the worry. She would be really upset.

[kayc]

nashreed,

I'm so sorry, I hope she isn't hit hard with it and recovers quickly.

[Gwenivere]

6 hours ago, kayc said:

This is what my life has become.

Yup.  I can’t, but have to, believe all the things I do differently now.  Things I’ve given up.  Had to designate to a housekeeper.  Things I stubbornly do I know I will pay for.  Things I see others doing so easily like I used to that add to that getting old or bad luck of nature.  How easily I can say I’m disabled and hate I have to.  

6 hours ago, kayc said:

I would hate being in a nursing or assisted living home, my independence and self sufficiency has always meant so much to me and I have worked damned hard at maintaining both!  But such is old age...plus without Kodie, I feel my will to live would be gone.

I have the same fear.  I absolutely cannot envision how I would want to keep living in that situation.  I’ve seen it for 25 years and experienced a lighter version in rehab.  I would die inside myself much faster than my body.  And to have to give up my dog?  Might as well shoot me.  

The residents at the place I go to are back at phase 1.  Can’t leave their rooms at all unless it’s a doctors appointment.  24 hours a day in a tiny room, many with roommates they need breaks from.  Before they could at least go outside and to the dining room to eat.  I feel trapped myself, but it’s not like that at all.  

[kayc]

17 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

And to have to give up my dog?  Might as well shoot me.  

Exactly!  My sister Peggy has always said if she had to go to one she would make the best of it and make friends there...I admire that about her but we are not the same.  Maybe her antidepressants help.