Jump to content
Grief Healing Discussion Groups

Recommended Posts

She's been on my mind lately too, she's not usually gone this long.  I sent her an email, hopefully will hear back!

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am here.  I think with this pandemic, most of what I do is read, worry, sleep, worry, and then I read some more.  I am still able to concentrate although that was hard to come back, but it has returned.  I escape often to books.  People used to ask me why I didn't watch certain movies and I said they were too real, too sad.  Then the (what can I think of to call the stupid people?), they told me that it was just "life."  OMGosh, I live life.  Sometimes I want to escape it.  I will, when the time comes, I just don't want to be there.  I escape into time travel into the past books, mysteries located in Bisbee, Arizona, Las Cruces, NM, unpronounceable names Alaska, shape shifters, fairy tales, anything but pandemics, heavy death, mostly butterflies and unicorns and rainbows (when I can find them).

Kelli has thyroid cancer.  Has/had (3 month checkups), caught early we hope, I pulled her to me in a hug and she said, not pulling away), Mama, I've had those radioactive tablets, I'm not supposed to get close to anyone.  Can't get close because of pandemic.  My son calls me every night between 11:00 pm and 11:15 pm.  He works at the VA Hospital and can't give Mama a virus if he has it on him.  He works wards that have virus patients.  He had blood in his urine on annual checkup.  His grandfather (my dad) died of prostate cancer.  He is very susceptible.  They follow him up.  What can I say.  He will be 59-years-old in June.  Can I call his clinic and ask if they checked his PSA level in his lab work.  I know enough to know it would be raised if it was his prostate.  Can I tell them not to let him fall through the cracks like his dad's doc let him fall.  Two checkups a year.  He died within a month of diagnosis.  Can I make them find a counselor for my 21-year-old granddaughter that is afraid to get out of the house.  She is Amerasian.  Myself, well I can still walk.  Scott bought me that $350 exerciser that you put your feet on it and it moves your legs up and down motorized.  My left knee hurts, should have had it looked at when I fell the 2nd time.  No, I would not let anyone help me.  I had to sit there and assess my own injuries and for sure, one of the ligaments may have made me have to have a knee replacement.  I can still walk.  Straight back.  Do not stumble.  Remember, I cannot take pain pills, they will kill me, and Tylenol has to be my only drug of choice.  Possibly could have used a cortisone shot.  Yes, I am my own doctor.  I do not trust those people anymore.  I worked for them 43 years.  One arrogant SOB Angel saved my life the year before Billy left.  Billy had time to get used to the idea of my dying, everyone thought I was, but no one told me.  

Waiting for my sister's pathology of colon polyps sent off suspicious.  She is now on daytime oxygen periodically.  I think it raises her blood pressure.  

I do realize how lucky I am.  I told Kay in private email why I drew back.  Not malicious at all.  I have a lot of pride even if I do write word salads.  

I have a lot of friends that we keep in touch on Facebook.  Sometimes I put old timey memories of muscadines and scuppernongs, sugarcane and sorghum syrup.    Sometimes I can hide in memories of long yesterdays and pictures of great-great grandparents, old pictures of all the men on one side of the family, my great grandma fishing, and anything but grief.  Memories of yesterday can sometimes include Billy.  I found an old memory I wrote before my colon burst, had had fever for at least two weeks, at many doctors, many scans, then oblivion.  I remember the ambulance with the two little girls sitting the steps.  No one saw my Angels but me.  I can still see them.  Kelli said it pulled over once and they were trying to get me to have a blood pressure as it had bottomed out.  I just remember fighting them because they were removing my wig.  Could not have that.  

I love you all and I need to get rid of the shovel and climb out of this hole I keep digging for myself.  Two of my classmates lost two middle aged children.  And I want to intervene in something.  Somehow.  I'm sorry, but sometimes I climb into myself and read and sleep for hours and hours.  So glad I can still concentrate on books.

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

So glad to see you back, Marg.  I know you have many things pulling at you.  You’ve become part of the foundation here so very missed when you are gone.  I understand your needing escapes. I don’t have any of  the family issues, which creates a whole nuther set of problems, but either way,  missed your presence.  So sorry about Kelli and your don.  You’re feeling the missed close contact from the pandemic worse as you have people to be close too physically.  Are you able to get the vaccine? Are they?  To be able to hug would really help.  I haven’t really touched anyone since late 2019?  It takes a huge toll.  
 

Hope we keep hearing from you as you can.  Love ya lady!❤️

  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dee, my heart is with you.  I get anxiety about them going through these 15 boxes.  I have a new paper shredder and that is what a lot of it is, just papers.  I have actually moved our old house with me everywhere and if I open a box, he is in it in some way or other and I have terrible feelings.  I don't know what is in those boxes.  One has a lot of his winter coats.  I gave the thrift store so many things when I left that they were going to close (and those old women volunteers) they don't open for nothing.  They opened to take all my boxes of things I don't remember, but things they wanted for themselves.  Hey, they don't get paid, as far as I am concerned, if they want it, let them have it.  I am contemplating leaving when Kelli and Brianna go through these boxes.  I hang a curtain up over some memories.  Don't want to feel that pain.  

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Marg, thank you for updating us here and letting everyone know how you are, even if it is a very hard place right now.  Your son and daughter have my prayers, same with your granddaughter.  This place is not the same without your word salads, we have missed them.  You have a lot on your mind and heart right now and we're there with you.  Sending you hugs...:wub:

  • Like 5
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Marg, just glad to hear from you. We worry when one of us is MIA.

So very sorry to hear about Kelli and Scott. What a double whammy! Does she have a treatment plan yet? I know how hard this is for you.

Reading, sleeping, watching tv, and fixing meals is about it for me too. I don't worry too much. Doesn't change anything. I try to keep in mind what Debbie wrote on a yellow sticky when she was here in 2013 to say goodbye to Ron:  "Don't worry Mom. It will be OK. God is with you."

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

4 hours ago, Marg M said:

I am contemplating leaving when Kelli and Brianna go through these boxes. 

You are going to leave your apartment?  Where are you going yo go?  Or dud I read this wrong?  I avoid some things of Steve’s, but not much anymore.  Most times I feel there is too little of him.  It’s a double edged sword.  If more was here it would hurt like it hurts now with so much missing. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

You are going to leave your apartment

Can't go far.  I have a lease.  Don't plan on moving again anyhow.  I have my sister I have to consider.  Somehow I feel safer with them (boxes) all around me, like being in an RV.  Gotta get a smaller bed though.  

Kelli has to have the scan every three months for awhile.  She had radioactive tablets she had to take.  She and I, when the lights go out we provide enough light from our radiation to go without nightlights.  I'm sitting on this with Scott.  What do I do?  Call his doc and ask her if she has followed his PSA.  I'm considering that.  He won't follow up right.  Neither would my dad.  Fighting prostate cancer is a terrible thing.  Fighting any kind is.  Win some, lose some.  We all have been touched by it somehow.  Love you all.  

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

8 hours ago, Marg M said:

Dee, my heart is with you.  I get anxiety about them going through these 15 boxes.  I have a new paper shredder and that is what a lot of it is, just papers.

Marg:  Good to hear from you.  As all here have said, you have been missed.  It sounds like you are carrying a lot more worry lately.  You and your family are in my thoughts and I am hoping Scott will  be more curious about his symptoms.  Can Kelli help urge him to follow through ?

Thank you for feeling my anxiety.   If I had been as brave as you, I would have moved to a smaller place a year or two after I lost my husband.  It has been a tough few months trying to go through what to move,  what not to move and what to let go.  There are so many memories.  It is taking me forever, but with the help of my kids, I think I will make it if my old knees and back hold up.  My daughter drove up last week from Oregon and we worked on the garage.  My son spends his weekends when it isn't pouring rain finishing up the required raking of the soon to be seeded area.  The county requires this before the final sign off.    

Love you back, Dee

 

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

8 hours ago, Marg M said:

She and I, when the lights go out we provide enough light from our radiation to go without nightlights

😂  That's a good one, Marg.

Guys and taking care of their health, oh yeah, BT,DT.  I like Dee's notion about Kelli encouraging him, though.  Sometimes siblings can get "in" in a way that a parent or other figure, can't.

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I got involved when my sister Polly was dying years ago...suggested the doctor give her Vit. B-12 shots to combat her anemia following surgery, she'd lost too much blood.  He said he hadn't thought of that (I only knew because I used to work for a doctor's office) and it helped turn things around for her!  So yes, if you have input that could save him, don't worry about giving it!  They often welcome input from families as they know what's going on when the doctors aren't there to see it.  This is life or death, so it's the one situation I can see myself interjecting, anything to save their lives!  You can try Kieron's suggestion, but I wouldn't give it long before doing something.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

14 hours ago, Marg M said:

Fighting prostate cancer is a terrible thing.  Fighting any kind is.  Win some, lose some.  We all have been touched by it somehow.  Love you all.  

That was what got Steve.  It was a nasty bugger.  All cancer is.  I so now understand the fear of that word.  I was dumbstruck when he told me and shock kicked in briefly til I lost it sitting at the kitchen table the day he told me.  It took our precious golden retriever right before him.  It was a year I have no idea how I managed (nor him) to get thru.  He lost his baby girl, I lost them both.  It took my closest cousin.   Until then we had only known others with it.  Now I want nothing to do with it as in joining crusades, making donations and I get off every cancer calling list.  It ruined/ended my life and unlike those that have that inner force to keep fighting it, I don’t.  If that makes me sound selfish, so be it.  I never aspired to be a saint.  
 

It’s a really nasty day here.  Rain and lots of wind. Dark.  Cold.  I think when you’re depressed you feel this is a better kind of day than sunshine and remembering reveling in it.  Then again, it makes it feel heavier.  I know don’t want to go out there, but this being inside is just as bad.  
 

Love you all too.  💖

  • Like 5
Link to comment
Share on other sites

15 hours ago, widow'15 said:

If I had been as brave as you,

Dee, that was not bravery.  That was pure insanity that I've never recovered from.  I have learned to live with it. 

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

If that makes me sound selfish, so be it.  I never aspired to be a saint.  
 

I hang up on all donations.  I donate to my family.  I have read how much the CEO's of so many of these donation sites, how much money they make.  You donate to pay their salaries.  I believe St. Jude's is a reliable donation site.  

  • Like 1
  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

That was what got Steve.  It was a nasty bugger.  All cancer is.  I so now understand the fear of that word.  I was dumbstruck when he told me and shock kicked in briefly til I lost it sitting at the kitchen table the day he told me.  It took our precious golden retriever right before him.  It was a year I have no idea how I managed (nor him) to get thru.  He lost his baby girl, I lost them both.  It took my closest cousin.   Until then we had only known others with it.  Now I want nothing to do with it as in joining crusades, making donations and I get off every cancer calling list.  It ruined/ended my life and unlike those that have that inner force to keep fighting it, I don’t.  If that makes me sound selfish, so be it.  I never aspired to be a saint.  
 

It’s a really nasty day here.  Rain and lots of wind. Dark.  Cold.  I think when you’re depressed you feel this is a better kind of day than sunshine and remembering reveling in it.  Then again, it makes it feel heavier.  I know don’t want to go out there, but this being inside is just as bad.  
 

Love you all too.  💖

I wish it was like that here. Damn Southern California.

If I were diagnosed with the Big C, I think I would be ok with it. Hopefully, it wouldn't be too painful. I don't think I'd fight at this point. What's there to live for?

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

7 minutes ago, Marg M said:

That was pure insanity that I've never recovered from.  I have learned to live with it. 

Marg:  Call it what you wish, but in my humble opinion, I think at our age, (since we are among those past 65/70), it takes a lot of courage to walk away from the pain that eats inside us daily.  But I do realize we each here have different stories, lifestyles, support and desire to walk away from that ache inside.  I know I will NEVER recover where ever I am planted.  I know my Bob would want me to be able to live with it.  Dee 

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Will make sure my son gets follow-up.  Dee, I know this moving is a process.  Doubt I could do it again.  Did it twice though.  Boxes still to go through.  I have a paper shredder, just don't like personal business in a landfill.  Paranoid, yes, to a point.  Not like I have anything anyone wants.  

 

 

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

13 hours ago, nashreed said:

Hopefully, it wouldn't be too painful.

Are you kidding?  I have watched as family/friends have suffered to death from it...it is my greatest fear, do not wish for it!!!

15 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

It’s a really nasty day here.  Rain and lots of wind. Dark.  Cold.  I think when you’re depressed you feel this is a better kind of day than sunshine

It was stormy here too yesterday afternoon/evening & I woke up to an inch of snow, more expected.  Hopefully Kodie will enjoy it.

C got Arlie too, the golden retriever in him gave him his wonderful "gentle giant" and sweetness, but it also gave him his C.  I love goldens but don't want to go through that again, I lost two to it.

Oh Marg, I hope with you that your son listens & heeds your advice.  

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

No, I'm certainly not wishing for it. I just don't think I would fight it if I did get it. If I was given the choice right now- life or death, with no pain- just a quick passing, it would be death. I'm sorry, I just don't have anything really to live for or look forward to. Not anything that really means something. (A new season of "Big Brother", for example, which I love, but will go on without me eventually anyway)

My brother takes no steps whatsoever to maintain his health. At least I've done Cologuard. He has no plans to ever have a colonoscopy or any x-rays or anything- and he loves life (I assume, when he's not at work). So, y'know, it's a weird thing. 

I feel like a ghost anyway. No real connection anymore. When I'm (rarely) out in public, I'm bopping and weaving and trying to avoid people like the plague. I imagine a lot of people feel like this now.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

22 hours ago, nashreed said:

If I were diagnosed with the Big C, I think I would be ok with it. Hopefully, it wouldn't be too painful. I don't think I'd fight at this point. What's there to live for?

I don’t know anyone that has had it that it wasn’t devastating.  I know you are very depressed, and we all think we’d be OK facing mortality in that state.  
 

i just have to say I found this somewhat invalidating being someone who witnessed this demon totally ravage the most important person in my life.  It’s not painless, far from it.  It’s a monster.  Something I wish no person or creature ever got.  
 

It gets my hackles up to see the word thrown around.  I know you dealt with many issues with Annette.  I don’t know how you’d feel If someone wished for one or made it seem it wasn’t that big a deal.  

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm sorry, Gwen. I certainly didn't mean to upset you.  It's just a thought I had, but I should have been more aware of the audience that reads my random ramblings. I know that there are a few people that it would upset, and I'm so selfish and self absorbed now. Again, I'm sorry. It's just that I would give anything to be with Annette again. I'm accepting my lonely fate more and more, it's just some days (weekends) I just don't/can't face my fate, and want the misery to end. 

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

We always have to keep in mind others here who’s history we know and also those we don’t, like new people browsing and deciding if they can safely post for support.  There are days I know that my thoughts need to be kept to myself.  Or shared offline if I can.  If you know something will potentially upset people, as you said you did, it might be better left unsaid.  I’ve had to do that for the sake of compassion.  We’re all 'jerks' at times, but we need to always stay aware of those around us here that have helped us. How much we need them and that’s why this place works.  For me, the last thing I want is my pain to inflict pain on another.  I thank you for apologizing and stepping up to own it.   

  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 3/28/2021 at 6:37 PM, Marg M said:

They said mine was in the "best place" and all I could think, when I had three Texas doctors in position to deliver a calf, is "I would have preferred my cuticles. 

I think I missed your point with the cuticles reference.  I never thought of a best place to have cancer.  But I guess that makes sense considering how some are fast moving and others not.  And treatments are so varied.  I see so many ads on TV, which I hate,  using terms I have no idea the meaning of.  I became an expert on prostate cancer because I had to.  Now I know terms I wish I didn’t.  Had experiences I wish I/we seen.
 

A former best friend and I lost that connection when she downplayed Steve’s cancer as being easy to cure.  I told her it was caught too late.  She ran off a list of people in her sphere that beat it.  For the 5 years he had it and since he passed, she has never acknowledged the pain she caused by withdrawing from me.  That’s why she us a former best friend, or friend at all. I consider her an acquaintance now.  It’s sad.  As I heard, you find out who your true friends are when it gets tough.  

  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 3/29/2021 at 10:04 PM, Gwenivere said:

A former best friend and I lost that connection when she downplayed Steve’s cancer as being easy to cure.

Think everyone knows my history, did not need to repeat it.

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Think I missed something by not reading back.  Gotta go to Arkansas tomorrow, but I will have my week end free to read past posts.  I get tired so much quicker than I used to.  Common thing I guess.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...