Finding Marg

[kayc]

11 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I never thought of a best place to have cancer.

I had someone downplay my melanomas that I get frequently like it's no big deal.  It's never right to devalue what someone else goes through, nor does anyone know exactly what another is going through, as you said with Steve.  I'm still annoyed by what she said and I doubt she even remembers it.  Skin cancer brought on my dad's fatal heart attack because the treatment was so horrific...they did radiation on his entire back, essentially burning the skin all over, he couldn't wear clothes as it hurt to touch, if someone came over he threw on a loose robe.  It was no light thing, then he was hospitalized and died.  I wish he could have gone peacefully instead of so much suffering.

I had the same reaction to nash' comment.  If you've watched someone suffer to death from cancer, like I did my MIL, who was the mom I had always wanted and my best friend, and I not only took care of her the last three years of her life as she was bedridden with cancer, but watched her suffer.  It reminded me of pacman eating away at her body, like a virus does a computer...taking over little by little.  No easy thing to see anyone go through.  One month it's one organ, the next month another.  Never wish any part of it, you might get what you asked for.

Gwen, I'm sorry the conversation turned to this, it's painful us to think about, nothing but horrid memories, and to have lost my Arlie, whom I loved with all of my being, in this way...it's nothing anyone would want to relive.

[nashreed]

Well, I can't tell you how bad I feel. Looking back at the posts, I didn't bring the subject up, but what I said was thoughtless. I was actually thinking about what Gwen had said somewhere else about now really wanting to do the screenings and all that, and I was really meaning to agree with not wanting to have to schedule a colonoscopy and everything else someone my age is supposed to, thinking there's no point. The last thing I intended was to disrespect the victims or survivors. 

[Kieron]

James, I think the sense of futility that you allude to is something that can swallow us whole, sometimes, and often does.  Deep in the belly of that beast, you can't see anything but the darkness of it all around you.

You're also in the countdown to the first anniversary, I believe.  As much as possible, allow yourself some grace. It's easy to express oneself unconsciously in these times, and regret it later. 

[Gwenivere]

I say let’s move on from what James has apologized  for.  We spoke up which we had the right to, but we are inflicting guilt and judgements that we were complaining about to begin with.  We’ve made it clear it was not well received.  He understands why.  Sorry to speak for you, James.  Just want to get back to the purpose being dealing with this grief sh*t.

kieron, I agree with your post for the most part.  I think we also need to tread carefully with others on this road we are traveling together.  As we support each other we can also hurt each other.   We invest so much trust here and that is what keeps us bonded which is a great gift.  That’s a big responsibility too.  
 

we all need a hug.  It’s a shame we can’t.  
 

 

[Kieron]

Yes it is a big responsibility, using mere human words to attempt to describe what is often inexpressible. 

[Margm]

I didn't read back and think I returned at wrong time with total amount of wordage too much.  On Facebook I go back and delete things I've said.  Guess I could leave a big empty box.  Kind of lost out here.  Will write when I have time to read before I write.

[kayc]

James, it's all good...we're all living and learning!

Marg, love your word salads!  

[ohsosad]

Having felt a post I wrote awhile back was found to be offensive by a member, I just read now and stay mute.

[Gwenivere]

Marg,I hope this doesn’t mean we are losing you again for awhile.  But you have to take care of you first.   I think I echo everyone that we miss you when you are gone.  
 

ohsosad......I don’t know what you ever said, but it saddens me that you don’t feel you should write anymore.  I’m sure I’ve offended people, we probably all have unknowingly and not deliberately.  I hope you reconsider.  But, as I said the Marg, you have to do what feels right for you.  The only recent post I saw was requesting an article from Marty.  I think for as long as you’ve been a member, you’re seen you will get support if you need it.  Don’t deny yourself that.  💖

[widow'15]

3 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

ohsosad......I don’t know what you ever said, but it saddens me that you don’t feel you should write anymore.  I’m sure I’ve offended people, we probably all have unknowingly and not deliberately.  I hope you reconsider.

Gwen:  So glad you responded to ohsosad.......it is just what I would have said.  We don't mean to offend or be offended, but unfortunately it is one of our human faults in my opinion.  Dee 

[kayc]

21 hours ago, ohsosad said:

Having felt a post I wrote awhile back was found to be offensive by a member, I just read now and stay mute.

We'd welcome you to post any time, none of us took anything as offensive.  

[Margm]

I think this is a relative of yours Kay.  When I was a teenager (a wild one too), I lied to my aunt about something insignificant really, but she fussed at someone because of it, it came out I possibly lied (it was a tiny lie, but hurt someone's feelings, and at the time I felt guilty, but not enough to admit to it).  I was thinking (always a bad omen when I do that) that I need to tell Nancy about my lie, just remembered it.  Nancy died in August.  You can will yourself to die.  She did.  She was beautiful and very vain.  She had just been struck with our family's tremor, not Parkinson's, but kin enough to it that it does not matter.  I had it since 6th grade and just has gotten worse with the years.  Hers was sudden.  Her daughter (beautiful, sweet, mother of three) had died of alcohol poisoning in her 16-year-old son's arms.  She drank at home.  She became addicted.  We have the addiction gene rampant in our family.  Her husband, my aunt's husband, (not divorced) had moved in with another family (he loved my aunt but no one could get along with her), and her mom, who lived with her, my dad, her brother, and her sister passed away, who had been by her side all her life.  She would not eat and willed herself to die.  She did.  The last time I saw her she was standing outside her house (OCD about keeping her house clean), and told me as I was leaving she loved me, had always loved me and always would.  She was my only playmate growing up and was five years older.  I drove by her house yesterday, my family's old house, my other aunt's and my mammaw's.  I didn't see any of us there, and memories were painted in different colors and times.  Granddaddy's toilet on the hill (my dad started a brush fire and accidentally burned it down.  (My granddaddy would not use the newfangled bathroom.  I waved at my mom and dad, grandparents, other relatives at the old cemetery (beautifully kept up) on my way home.  A rock church and rural setting.  Everything rural yesterday.  The drive was heart wrenching, my first view of the mountains in their scalloped beauty, I had to pull over, I could not see while crying.  I paid my taxes, got my car license renewal, went for my six month checkup.  She (nurse practitioner knows me well).  She said, what can you tell me.  I told her "Nothing, you know I cannot be fixed, just write my prescriptions and six month refills."  Blood pressure was high.  It is mainly the weight I have gained.  Coming home, I did see the fluorescent greens of the new leaves being born and the wisteria, purple and white, growing as far up trees as I could see and falling down toward the ground.  Beautiful.  Sun shining.  It poured rain on me leaving the house for about 20 miles, sun came out and it was a beautiful melancholy day.  

[Kieron]

On 3/31/2021 at 12:52 PM, ohsosad said:

Having felt a post I wrote awhile back was found to be offensive by a member, I just read now and stay mute.

It's unfortunate you felt like you had to silence yourself.  We're the poorer for missing out on what members have to share.  

[kayc]

19 hours ago, Marg M said:

I think this is a relative of yours Kay.

Yes, he's my gr-gr-gr-gr-uncle!  (Direct bloodline through his brother James)  Wish I'd gotten his brains!  I think it got more than a little watered down over the centuries, although there IS my son, Paul, who is a genius, although he's got great genes on his dad's side too.

I love this bit of wisdom, and my son ascribes to it as well, being slow (and thoughtful) to speak as the Bible says.  Wish I was more like him!

I agree with Kieron, cannot find anything offensive this person ever said!

Marg, my BP is high lately, in spite of being 105 lbs and three Rxs for it!  Stress has a way of working it's magic. 

[Margm]

1 hour ago, kayc said:

in spite of being 105 lbs and three Rxs for it!  Stress has a way of working it's magic.

Guess so.  Only, I never had it before I got................fluffier.  I can feel a slight headache when it starts going up.  Billy didn't believe I could tell (he never could tell his), but sure enough.  And you are right.  Stress plays a lot on it.  Refereeing fights between my sister and daughter does not help.  Both are strongly opinionated and somehow they involve me.  Just because I am their only link.  Honestly, you cannot pick your kinfolks or their versatile illnesses.  I try to stay out of it and am managing okay this week.  One can be vocally expressive and the other quietly and sneakily expressive.  I try to not defend either of them to the other one.  Worry about my son's not following through with follow-up.  Actually, his follow-up is not till July.  I just get anxious and thus blood pressure.  Son has high blood pressure also but is working hard to support his daughter, who I think is taking advantage of him and I have not spoke that to either daughter or son.  Daughter would tell son if I did and another fuss.  Everyone thought Mama could not make that close to 400 mile round trip and all wanted one to go with me.  I slipped off.  Enjoyed the heck out of it.  Some sadness, but no fear of driving by myself.  Once they start thinking I am unable to do things on my own, ...............well, they just need to wait until I am unable to do things on my own.  

[widow'15]

8 hours ago, Marg M said:

Everyone thought Mama could not make that close to 400 mile round trip and all wanted one to go with me.  I slipped off.  Enjoyed the heck out of it.  Some sadness, but no fear of driving by myself.  Once they start thinking I am unable to do things on my own, ...............well, they just need to wait until I am unable to do things on my own.  

Good for you Marge, slipping off on your own.  I envy your bravado and good to read you enjoyed the heck out of your trip.  I understand your need to continue being able to do things on your own.  I am constantly telling my two kids I will ask for help when I need it.  I realize they are showing their love for me by being overly concerned and am thankful for them as I know you are of your children.  Independence is what we need to continue to strive for as long as we can.  Dee

[Margm]

1 hour ago, widow'15 said:

Independence is what we need to continue to strive for as long as we can.  Dee

I do realize how lucky I am.  I honestly do realize this.  But, when I was so sick before Billy left, just a year before he left, he wanted to do everything for me.  Yes, we are lucky to have help without asking.  I know we are lucky.  The thing is, we might give up doing things for ourselves before it is time if we do not force ourselves to do it.  My sister had to take the keys from my mom when she saw her driving the wrong side of the rural road.  I will give my keys up when I forget who is driving.  I think I overthink things sometimes and get paranoid about being forgetful.  I do get scared.  

[Gwenivere]

4 hours ago, Marg M said:

I think I overthink things sometimes and get paranoid about being forgetful.  I do get scared.  

I feel the same way, Marg.  Seems my brain is slowing down and I don’t know if it’s me or the result of the pandemic, depression, meds, stress, pain, etc.  all I know is I hate it.  Just like how I hate my hands don’t work as they did and any kind of moving without pain.  I got a good look at myself waiting on a telemedicine appointment with my doc yesterday.  I look so old.  Having my hair pinned up all the time instead of down doesn’t help, but it’s such a pain to deal with right now.  
 

but the most important thing to me is my mind.  It’s not what it was.  I redo things or check things often.  I miss feeling sharp and energetic.  I hate having to tired myself to do things.  Even brushing my teeth after dinner feels like a huge chore now because I have to put on back pain cream and I’m so slouched over standing to do it all hurts.  I really hate dreading going to bed.  Long time getting comfortable and Knowing I’ll wake up to a another longer routine to get dressed.  
 

I never thought I’d be an old woman.  Much less one alone.  Why couldn’t I do this with Steve?  I’d rather see him as an old man than what cancer did to him by 62.  I saw a couple on the news in their 90’s reunited after a year because of the pandemic.  Showed their old hands together.  The love was evident by the first hug.

[kayc]

I can't help feeling jealous when I see a couple in their 90s, still together, holding hands.  Sigh...

Marg, you are wise not to get in the middle of your family's squabbles.  But followup on your son isn't until July?!  WHAT??!!  Personally, I think I'd call his doctor if I knew who it was with the info you have on it.  This is his LIFE!  You and I know that, but sometimes I think because doctors see patients everyday they can tend to not realize it anymore.  My son is smart, he doesn't let me know anything.  

[widow'15]

14 hours ago, Marg M said:

The thing is, we might give up doing things for ourselves before it is time if we do not force ourselves to do it.  My sister had to take the keys from my mom when she saw her driving the wrong side of the rural road.  I will give my keys up when I forget who is driving.  I think I overthink things sometimes and get paranoid about being forgetful.  I do get scared.  

Marg:  I, too, have decided that when the time comes to give up the car keys I will do that.  I realize the time will come since I have macular degeneration.  Right now I have to be selective of time of day and traffic conditions before I get in my car.  I would never forgive myself if I should cause an accident and hurt anyone while driving.  I think it's okay to be scared about our failings.  Until then, I force myself to find the will to "put one foot in front of the other" like one of our longtime Grief Forum members reminds us.  Take care, Dee

[Gwenivere]

On 4/3/2021 at 10:59 AM, widow'15 said:

I think it's okay to be scared about our failings. 

I’m glad you said that, Dee.  Because I am almost terrified of them.  Reason being it leaves me more time to sit in my loneliness and see life will become juggling medical stuff to do that.  Not motivating at all.  I truly wish there was something or someone that could light a tiny fire making this more content.  Mel definitely helps, but also shows me I’m not the dog mom I was and in her prime now, she isn’t getting a lot of what she should.  Yes, I know dogs adapt to anything, but I’ve always given my kids so much more than I can give her.  Their lives aren’t as long so I want them to have the best time they can.  A 6 year old shouldn’t be living like I do.  I worry how the inactivity will affect her health down the line.  
 

can’t imagine losing my car.  My dad did and it was a slide downhill.  I’ve already slid into not being able to do so many things and shopping requiring a cart, even if for 1 item.  I’m sick of pill bottles and my day full of med times.  Not being able to truly plan as I don’t know how the pain or other things make me feel.  Being tense about cleaning up and hygiene because it hurts.  
 

and I’m sick of whining about it!  I know it may not seem like it as I keep doing it.  I try to focus on good little things that happen, but they’re so small they are stomped out quite easily and rapidly as limits kick in constantly.   Fortunately people can skip my stuff.  I’d really like to post something positive.  Lemme think here.....I did look at an article with people in their Easter outfits from the 30's to the 60’s.  Bonnets and some of the strangest accessories I’ve ever seen.  Oh, and found some dark Cadbury eggs that are gold to me as they only put out their stuff on holidays.  Ok, now to hobble off to throw Mel’s ball a couple of times.  She could go for a good hour.  Poor kid.

[widow'15]

7 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 Mel definitely helps, but also shows me I’m not the dog mom I was and in her prime now, she isn’t getting a lot of what she should.  Yes, I know dogs adapt to anything, but I’ve always given my kids so much more than I can give her.  Their lives aren’t as long so I want them to have the best time they can.  A 6 year old shouldn’t be living like I do.  I worry how the inactivity will affect her health down the line.

Gwen:  I understand your feelings where Mel is concerned.  You know how difficult it was for me when I couldn't walk Maddie any longer.  I was fortunate to find a dog walker who took over for me for awhile before her cancer got to the point of being in charge.  From what you describe about Melody being less social than Allie it would be great if you couldn't employ a young kid to throw the ball for her.  The neighborhood kids used to come down to my yard and play with Maddie every so often.  She loved interacting with the kids as she was originally raised around kids before I adopted her.  After Bob passed I was able to take her out for walks in the park or in the neighborhood for a few years.  Then my knees gave out on me.  I felt so sorry for her being owned by a broken old person.  So yes, I know your guilt feelings.  So sorry you feel those feelings, but she is your fur baby and you both need each other.  Hugs to you both.  Dee

[kayc]

10 hours ago, widow'15 said:

I felt so sorry for her being owned by a broken old person.

That's how I feel with Kodie, I feel he deserves so much better than me, but I do my best for him.  Still walk him but not w/o pain.  Love him to pieces!

[Gwenivere]

I know she is happy.  She can’t miss something she never had.  It’s me wanting to give so much more.  Yup, broken old person.  But this is her home and she loves it.  Exterminator was just by and she made it quite clear she didn’t like the disruption nor his canister.  Poor kid really wanted to go see him, but not with that evil thing in the house.  He moved far away from it and she'd go towards him and catch sight of it so back to safety by the couch.  She’s not very socialized except a few people.  Not that going nuts for everyone like Ally.  Ally was her best bud.  If I could handle it physically I’d get another kid now.  Dog energy is so fulfilling.  

[widow'15]

2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I know she is happy.  She can’t miss something she never had.  It’s me wanting to give so much more.  Yup, broken old person.  But this is her home and she loves it.

Gwen:  Exactly what I was trying to say about Mel.  She loves you being her Mom even though you feel you can't do what you used to for her.  I can imagine Mel being confused with that strange man with the canister.  Oh, if only they could talk to us and tell us what they think. 

 

9 hours ago, kayc said:

That's how I feel with Kodie, I feel he deserves so much better than me, but I do my best for him.  Still walk him but not w/o pain.  Love him to pieces!

kayc: Your Kodie is also lucky to have you.  You deserve him as well.

Dee