Finding Marg

[Kacy]

I'm in a similar situation as you, Karen.  I'm lucky to get reimbursed for my premiums by my former employer.  My husband's company also gave a contribution towards his healthcare when he retired.  Since his health wasn't good when he went onto Medicare, we choose the best Medicare plan that paid pretty much everything.  Even with his many doctor visits, CT scans, MRIs, chemo treatment and two stays in ICU, we didn't have to pay a thing.   My premiums have only gone up probably less than $20 a month for my Medicare supplement in the last 4 years. 

We have an Area on Agency group that is part of our state health insurance agency.  They hold Medicare seminars this time of year and explain a lot of the options.  It was always at a nice restaurant and included a free lunch, which was nice.  What I liked about it was that since they don't sell insurance, they have no reason to sway you one way or another.  You could make an appt to talk to them privately to choose a plan.  They also would go over your list of medications and help you choose a prescription plan.  You can do that on the Medicare website also, where you enter your prescriptions and it shows you the total yearly cost for the plan.  So, you're not just comparing the monthly premiums. 

It can be overwhelming when you start getting all of those ads in the mail this time of year, including ads from people who will profit from selling you a particular plan.

[kayc]

My post from yesterday is gone here too!  Wonder what happened!

 

[Gwenivere]

I think I remember you had one here.   Don’t see it now either.

i know sometimes I think I posted something but forgot and luckily the editor restores it and I have to be careful not to accidentally hit the 'clear editor' as that wipes it out.  But unposted replies do go invisible if you leave the topic and come back til you touch reply.  A couple times I have forgotten and go to respond to a newer one and the other pops up.  This can get confusing to a mind that has to run a checklist to just get dressed every day!  

[kayc]

The editor comes up with nothing, I lost something in two threads.

[Gwenivere]

I’ve been fortunate here as far as posts.  My doctors portal will erase things when I wants to and it’s always  on complicated stuff it seems.  My habit now is to write things I absolutely do not want to lose on my notepad and copy it over.  Nothing worse than having to redo things.  By then I am frustrated and I don’t convey my queries as well.  I learned my lesson here on the editor when I hit clear on it once not realizing it meant erase.  I wish it said that.  Then I do the same it’s my doc, rewrite the list but with an attitude of frustration.   Coexistence with technology.  Technology and emotions.  Technology isn’t forgiving.  We’re so sensitive it can really upset ya!  

[Margm]

 Okay, I have deleted what I wrote.  I seem to carry around a bunch of guilt all the time and I acted on it.  What all I said, I think I misunderstood, and this is all on me and my weird country brain.  I did delete what I said so no one else will mistake what my feelings were.  I'm sorry.  Sometimes I get things so screwed up.  I hope by deleting what I wrote might help. 

Okay, I'll tell a story, (probably already have told it).  My granddad (my dad's dad) gave each of his kids a certain amount of land, legally deeded it to them.  Four kids.  My mom took the deed down to the bank, small town, everyone knew each other.  She wanted to borrow the amount of money the land was worth.  She then paid the bank loan off and paid my granddad for the land.  He didn't want to take the money, but that was the way she was.  She didn't feel like it was hers till she paid for it.  They co-signed for our first car and it was paid off ahead of time, by me, but bless their hearts, I never taught my kids the lessons my mom taught me.  If I had to do it over again, I would still enable them and our son said we did, and both of us said we would do the same thing all over again.  

 

[scba]

D

 

 

[widow'15]

Marg:  I can only repeat Ana's words, "You are an invaluable member and you will be missed".  I understand your reasons you have stated and loved reading your posts.  You are blessed with a wonderful gift of sharing your feelings.  I do hope once 2020 is past, you will reconsider and let us know how you are.  Being raised in the South, I have always enjoyed your stories as they reminded me of where I came from way back when.  Much love and hugs, Dee

[KarenK]

Marg, it is a pleasure and a privilege to know you. You have brightened my darkest days. Take care and please return if possible.

Karen

[Gwenivere]

Oh Marg,  I cannot envision this place without you.  I know you must do what you feel you must.  I echo what everyone has said and hope like crazy you will drop in from time to time.  I know you have many struggles personally and with your family. I copied your email.  Don’t want to lose you!  Much love!  ❤️❤️❤️

[Margm]

I revised my post.  No, I have not had COVID, just my regular brain rewiring.  

[Gwenivere]

You implied you were leaving here, I think.   Is that still the case, Marg?  

I can’t see anything in Ana's post but a D.  I’m really confused!  🤔

[kayc]

I don't know what's going on but don't want you to leave, Marg!  We can't even tell you how MUCH you'd be missed!  And I love the way you storytell, you're such a good writer & never boring!  Besides, we love you!

[KarenK]

Gwen, I'm also only seeing a D in her post?????

[Margm]

It was all a misunderstanding on my part.  I'm sorry.  I think we all worry about having enough money, helping family, trying not to need help from family, old values, old assumptions of things you know nothing about, customs, my Grinch feelings for Christmas and my knowing (but not wanting to) help provide holiday feelings when, like all of you, my Christmas passed when Billy did.  Knowing my grandfather's died and still the families carried on, we had our big reunions still even though my grandfather's were gone, will have two  grandchildren,, one great grandchild at Christmas and my underlying feeling "I don't do Christmas."  I think there is a country song that has the words "I'm just a ghost in this house" and that is how I feel about the holidays, plus add in having to buy gifts for everyone and them even going together and having a gift list of things they want, (pick one) written on line and passed around.  I am now the head of this little family and I just want to "Grinch-out" of the whole season.  I have to think of all the others, that is supposed to be what I'm good at, but I kind of want to hide.  Do you know last year I didn't buy a present for anyone.  Not a wrapped present period..  I don't want to get them, I don't want to give them.  Worrying about breathing behind that mask, (no way will I go without one, of course), I've got to somehow shop for all this.  Presents bought, wrapped, we have three Christmas trees, two small, one large, one old fashioned ceramic.  

Okay, now I will go to town and breathe behind the mask.  I'm sorry, I get unwired sometimes..  Too many Christmas lights.

[Gin]

Glad you are staying with us.  Gin

[widow'15]

Marg:  I too am glad you are staying with the group.  I had written yesterday why I would miss you and I do mean every word.  You and I are close in age, I'm 79, and your words are words I have shared with my small family about Christmas gifts this year.  only have two grandchildren and gave my son money to do my shopping for them.  I have threatened my family about buying me any gifts.  Over the past years I have purchased each one of my grandkids a box cookies from a specialty store here in Tacoma.  They are little star shaped chocolate covered shortbread cookies.  It has become a Gramma custom.  I hadn't been to this store since Christmas 2019 but thought I could attempt this simple feat for my two grand kids.  I masked up, grabbed my cane and was able to find a parking space not too far from front door.  I stepped behind a couple standing in the designated wait spot, the store limits numbers of customers inside.  Suddenly I noticed there was someone standing behind me, I turned and apologized that I had stepped in front of her, and at that moment saw there was a long line behind her stretching around the corner.  The much younger lady said no problem and I think I saw others behind her nodded it was ok.  My vision fails me.  Once inside, I found the cookies, found a checkout line markings displayed on floor.  Standing in line I read all the markings, signs as I stood waiting for my meager purchase.  As I stood, I thought what has happened to this world in just a year's time.  I am in a world I don't belong in anymore.  I, too feel unwired in this world more and more.  I will try not to give in totally, so happy to see you will too.  Hugs, Dee

[Gwenivere]

I don’t know how you do it, Marg.  I feel absolutely no holiday spirit and couldn’t fake it if my life depended on it.  You have pointed out that losing our partners spark can change everything even with extended family.I did some online ordering and that took everything out of me. It’s about as easy as can be compared to going out, yet if you have no excitement it’s another drudgery.  I’m happy when people get the stuff tho.  Now I just have to track things.

this is a year I bet a lot of people are foregoing gifts.  Lots are doing donations in people’s names and gawd knows it is needed from what has happened from job loss and severely cut incomes.  Food banks and shelters are in dire need over personal gifts.  I know that is easy for me to say as I have no one here to buy anything for.  I know Steve and I would forego it. If I had family I probably would feel different if they had some spirit.  But with no one close that has it, it’s feels so bleak seeing all that do.  Plus the constant reminders in ads and memories for times past.  Those haunt me.  Echoes of laughter, trees and lights in here, Steve and the dogs here.  The countdown and excitement.  If I could have anything, it would be that feeling again.  Knowing I never will is a bitter pill to swallow.  

 

[Kieron]

The pressure to be in the holiday spirit gets to be too much.  😑

[kayc]

Marg, I am so relieved you'll stay here!  The place would not be the same w/o you and frankly, you're irreplaceable!

I get it...I didn't buy presents either, no shopping, sent my kids a check, sent $ to my DIL to get my grandkids something she thinks they'd like.  I can''t keep up with all the stuff they have, get rid of, or wants.  Don't need to risk COVID either, and they said on the news that shopping is a huge spreader.  I am sorry for all of the retailers.  I did go in/out of Ross quickly (with mask of course, required everywhere) to grab a pair of jeans as mine are all falling down, but no shopping...I got my sister a small present to unwrap, something she can use, I know she won't have anything else likely.  I know how that is, it isn''t that we need anything, the empty spot under the tree is a reminder of being alone.  Neither of my kids did anything for my bdy this year so expect Christmas to be the same.  Amazon or Wally can fill in where we need to find something!  I've been ordering sundries on line.

Have done a couple of donations, but can't afford much right now.  This next year looks to be super tight too.

[KarenK]

Luv Ya Marg!

We can't be all things to all people all the time. Your family will understand. You know how much they love you.

Xmas will never be as "merry" as it once was. We just do the best we can.

[widow'15]

Karen:  Will have to add your statement "We can't be all things to all people all the time" to my list of memorable quotes/sayings.  It is a great reminder to us Mothers who have always been there for our kids.  It's a hard pill to swallow though having to face this reality all alone.  Thank you for stating that.  Dee

[Gwenivere]

It applies to non mothers too.  So many people I wish I could be my old self for.  Sad so many have disappeared.  The new people in my sphere are OK, but not very close. Desperate for contact tho.  I mean miss being missed.  Steve, volunteering, the dog Park acquaintance’s.  It’s been years since getting calls to set up meets there.  Volunteering is just plain out.  Of course things we did with our partners are long gone.  I find doing the best I can for myself lacking.  Loss of motivation to do so.  That is where I think you mom’s have the advantage, tho I understand the original thought- don’t want to let your family down.  So many sides to this fence.   

There’s no real content place to be anymore.  How can there be?  That’s the hard part, no matter what our circumstance.  Add in this pandemic for those with family and it’s even worse.  It wouldn’t help my loneliness much.  Sure would like not being treated like I have the plague tho.  I stay distant because I’ve been trained to now.  

FX's new take on A Christmas Carol was running last night.  It was so dark and depressing I had to switch channels.  I don’t recommend anyone in grief see this version.  It’s not uplifting and I don’t know how one would make it thru all the added psychological pain (including implied pedophilia) he was subjected to unlike the hopeful versions.  I recorded it a few weeks ago in case I wanted some tradition.   I may skip to the end to see how they bring good out of this.  

I’m really feeling the loss for holiday excitement tho I thought I was prepared.  Never thought I’d see the day it was reversed to countdown to being over which adds a few more days.  It’s not about presents or glitter.  It's about love.  I’m happy for you that have family to share that with.  Tho the presents make it fun.  Pretty much did mine online, so not as much thrill.  I don’t even know why I’m writing this, I’ve known for weeks this was going to be a bad holiday.  Worsening maladies and losing Ally are just too much.   All I’ve scheduled are therapy sessions.  HO HO HO!

[Kieron]

3 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

FX's new take on A Christmas Carol was running last night.  It was so dark and depressing I had to switch channels.

sounds like it.  Last year a friend introduced me to "The Man Who Invented Christmas."  It's about how Charles Dickens got his start and how "A Christmas Carol" came about.  I *loved* it and would see it again in a heartbeat.

 

 

[Gwenivere]

I saw this, Kieron.  Thank fir putting that up.  It is a very good film.  It was cool to see how Dickens interacted with Scrooge as he wrote the story.  And the things that inspired its forming.  Now the world couldn’t fathom Christmas without it.