Finding Marg

[kayc]

I usually watch Christmas movies, this year I haven't, it seems nonexistent this year, the shopping, people, everything gone and void.  It's so glum!  I miss being in cantatas, choirs, all of the yule events!  Family, friends.  COVID seemed to take what little was left.  It's like a non-year.

[Gwenivere]

Time magazine ran two issues in a row about this.  The first cover was The Virus Winter, the second is 2020 with a red X on it.  To me it feels like a very real year.  The worst of my life, sometime surpassing losing Steve as at least then I had my health.  I could do things we did and feel I was still connected in some way.  Now it is utter loneliness with the isolation.  I read articles by people going nuts with too much time around their families.  I’m sure it’s a big adjustment when we have been such a mobile, independent society.  People rarely ate together anymore.  But wayyyyy back when, it was normal for people to be together.  I read the complaints and feel no compassion.  I’d love to be getting on each other’s nerves because we were intelligent enough to retreat to our respective interests for breaks.  Go for a drive alone if need be.  I want to yell at these people to get creative and see how fortunate they are.  Not talking abusive situations here.  Just day to day living.  Not having every single task fall on you.  Being able to talk and hear a reply.  Someone to gripe with or appreciate.  Such simple things.  Feeling safe in case something happens like a fall or your dog needing help.  My medic alert button is not going to fill those needs beyond calling 911.  I’m cold in a way I’ve never been.  

What shows me is I have time to write posts for hours because life is so empty.  I love you all, but I wish I had something to do instead of seeing all I don’t.  If I can offer support, that feels good.  So much is needing the contact this family provides.  For that I really am grateful.  No one out there gets it as we know from experience.  

[KarenK]

Maybe it's just me or my generation, but I don't understand this "taking a break" or "needing space" from the one you are supposed to love. I'm not talking about taking a drive, shopping all day, or dinner out with the girls or guys. I'm talking about today's couples who feel they need a week or a month or more away. To me, that's just a cop out saying "I'm done with you", "there's somebody else", "I don't want to be with you anymore". To me, that's a separation.  Why be dishonest? Sure, there were lots of times we got on each other's nerves, but we didn't need a month to get over it or leave the other person wondering. I don't get it. If they only knew.

[kayc]

13 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I read the complaints and feel no compassion.

Me too, Gwen, it's hard to muster when we know how hard it is being alone all the time.  Although if I was my son, holed up with his wife all the time...

12 hours ago, KarenK said:

I don't understand this "taking a break" or "needing space" from the one you are supposed to love.

You've got to realize that not all marriages are the same.  Some are hell on earth.

[KarenK]

Maybe I overstepped there or maybe it's just the semantics that get to me.  lol  To me a "break" is what you take for coffee for 15 min. And "space" is infinite.

Believe me, I lived the "hell on earth" for a a lot of years and many times I wished he'd just go away for a bit for the peace and quiet. Little did I know.....

Who am I to judge? Marriage is hard and takes work and compromise. IMHO, you don't take a "break" or "space" because he or she put the toilet paper roll on backwards.

I'll shut up now😊

[Margm]

I am going to address something in the "going through hell" section.  Only because I know where to look, and feel most times I'm "going through hell" anyhow.  

 

[nashreed]

22 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Time magazine ran two issues in a row about this.  The first cover was The Virus Winter, the second is 2020 with a red X on it.  To me it feels like a very real year.  The worst of my life, sometime surpassing losing Steve as at least then I had my health.  I could do things we did and feel I was still connected in some way.  Now it is utter loneliness with the isolation.  I read articles by people going nuts with too much time around their families.  I’m sure it’s a big adjustment when we have been such a mobile, independent society.  People rarely ate together anymore.  But wayyyyy back when, it was normal for people to be together.  I read the complaints and feel no compassion.  I’d love to be getting on each other’s nerves because we were intelligent enough to retreat to our respective interests for breaks.  Go for a drive alone if need be.  I want to yell at these people to get creative and see how fortunate they are.  Not talking abusive situations here.  Just day to day living.  Not having every single task fall on you.  Being able to talk and hear a reply.  Someone to gripe with or appreciate.  Such simple things.  Feeling safe in case something happens like a fall or your dog needing help.  My medic alert button is not going to fill those needs beyond calling 911.  I’m cold in a way I’ve never been.  

What shows me is I have time to write posts for hours because life is so empty.  I love you all, but I wish I had something to do instead of seeing all I don’t.  If I can offer support, that feels good.  So much is needing the contact this family provides.  For that I really am grateful.  No one out there gets it as we know from experience.  

I have never felt so useless and so alone. My wife has a sister and a Dad, who obviously are sharing in my grief -and helping me tremendously. But at the same time, Annette's Dad is remarried and happy with a lot of extended family around and even her sister, who has terrible luck with husbands is getting back with her husband. I am I so completely alone and miserable. So, my family are all lonely, unhappy people together for the holidays. Yippee. I guess I should be in the fortunate category, and be happy I have at least two people here that get on my nerves. Trying to be positive. I could live alone, and that would be worse. I wish I had the energy and will to kind of get out of my funk and get more engaged with my family. I tried early on, but they just don't seem to be interested in changing their routines either. 

[Gwenivere]

7 hours ago, kayc said:

Although if I was my son, holed up with his wife all the time...

That is why I said unless it was abusive or painful.  I do feel for people caught in being stuck because this pandemic has closed avenues for help or people can’t afford to split up if needed financially.  

3 hours ago, KarenK said:

To me a "break" is what you take for coffee for 15 min. And "space" is infinite.

I think it is semantics, Karen.  But I’m with you on this.  When Steve and I took extended 'breaks',  we called it what it was......separated.  Once for 6 months, another 18.  That’s not a break.  That’s serious.  Also both were to consider ending things.  2 times I never revisit in memory.  I’ve heard of couples taking separate vacations, but a month seems awfully long.  

But, as Kay said, all marriages are different and some are not even very emotional.  Some not at all.  I just heard from my youth best friend that she and the father of their child are thinking of tying the knot now to simplify things down the road.  I am assuming financially for the daughter.  She was vehemently against it til now and it’s been about 25-30 years.  They have been living together all this time, but it’s been rocky.  I think they’ve calmed down and are friends, but she used to threaten to leave monthly.  Way too much drama.  Now a marriage for reasons not about love.  

 

[kayc]

There are marriages that never should have been.  I've been in some.  You can't judge what you haven't walked in.  Maybe you're just a helluvalot better than me, Karen!  I HAVE been abused.  There's more than one kind of abuse though, not everything leaves purple marks, but they're just as painful.  Watched both of my kids go through it, my SIL is divorcing my daughter, abandoned her for no reason so he can do what he wants, drink and act like he's 20.  My son is going through something quite else but he's persevering and I hope and pray someday it gets better, not seeing it though.  She presented herself as someone quite different before they married.  I went through that with my kids' dad.  Wouldn't wish it on anyone.

[KarenK]

Kay, I would never downplay anyone's abusive situation. I had no purple bruises on the outside, just many years of mental abuse. There were times he drove me to the edge, but I stayed whether out of love, fear, strength, or stupidity, I don't know. I guess the type of couple I was referring to is a lot smarter than I was. The going got tough so they got going. There's nothing in those marriage vows that says anything about letting your spouse physically or mentally abuse you.

I too watched both my kids endure abusive relationships until they couldn't. At least they stayed for a while and made an effort like your kids. I'm proud of them for that. I'm sure I was seeing it from my perspective when I told my granddaughter there are no perfect marriages. I don't know why they divorced. He seemed like a nice kid to me, but I didn't live their life. None of my business.

Not that it matters, but sometimes I wonder what my life would have been had I been more mature and stayed with Debbie's dad. He was a nice guy and is to this day. I just fell out of love, I guess and didn't put much effort into saving the marriage. Way too much water under the bridge.....

[Margm]

I wish I could find me.  I'm not the frizzle headed (too many permanents), nor the 18-year-old, and definitely not the happy one with Billy.  I would put Bri's picture, but I believe she has Native American blood.  She is actually Amerasian and one of the most beautiful young women ever.  She won't believe that.  Very timid, and will be glad when she can face a human counselor, won't Zoom or Skype at all.  I cannot find Marg anywhere, love that picture of Scott and Kelli, and so glad they get along and get along with me too.  I am blessed, I know, but I still miss someone.  I'm not me without him.  

 

 

[Margm]

Kay and Karen:  I spent nine years in a mentally abusive situation.  I would walk with my head down if I passed a man, Billy walked behind me.  I was such a person though that fought back after awhile, when my time to "get loose" happened.  Billy's mom (and dad) were very unfaithful.  The kids in the family would follow her to see who her new boyfriend was.  I let my feisty personality get beat flat.  He would not let me use my business education.  Instead, he worked two jobs for nine years.  He took his thumb off me and it was "katie, bar the door."  I think I am basically mean.  I did things he did not know I was doing and laughing to myself.  One time he questioned me and I laughingly said "what you don't know won't hurt you."  He knew he had lost his control.  Still, through all the crap we did, we had two kids we could not hurt.  We unconsciously did hurt them.  It took all those years for me under a therapist to finally tell him what, when, why and where.  He left me and a friend told him "your just angry because she beat you at your own game."  Lots of times we did not like each other, but we could not get rid of the love either. It all culminated in a six week separation that I was not sure I wanted to return.  He did.  I told him why, and also the shrink said I would not have had the courage without the amphetamines.  I did hurt one person a little too much and if he is not dead, if I have not covered my tracks enough, I would still hear from him.  He did not deserve this, and yet he was not innocent either.  We were married for 54 years but were only totally happy about 35 of those years.  I didn't need a shrink anymore and he and I could talk and then nothing was ever brought up again.  I did right by staying.  He became the best friend I ever had, one it is hard living without.  But I still tell him everything.  I'm sure he already knows and when I say  my prayers to Jesus, I talk to Billy too, and somehow, I don't think either is jealous.

[KarenK]

Marg, my heart goes out to you. As I read your story, I was reading mine without the "Katie bar the door". My desire for ANY relationship had long been stomped out. Not too long after we were married, he became someone I didn't know. For 20-25 years I was followed, accused, scrutinized 24/7, yelled at, put down with nasty remarks and name calling, just never hit physically. There was a time period where I was required to keep a log of every conversation(time, content, length, & person involved) and show it to him every day. I had NEVER given him any reason not to trust me. Just the fact I worked with engineers and technicians was enough. If my father had been alive, he would have simply had him erased. I can't mentally stand to relive all the horrible crazy things he did to me. Just one example....He never believed Robert was his son. I told him unless it was an immaculate conception, he definitely was. I refused to get a paternity test because it was stupid and expensive. He hounded me for 20 years. Finally I said screw it. I told him to use the tax refund, take Robert and get the damn test. It was 99.9% positive. He said he was told 100% would only happen if the mother was tested too, so he was mad because I didn't get tested. What for??? I knew I was his mother. I was so embarrassed  in front of my 20 year old son. What would he think of his mother? That was a tiny example of the way I was treated. He was like a dog with a bone. Once he got an idea in his head, it stayed forever. I wasn't allowed to go to work functions outside the office unless he was there. Any people I called friends backed off. It was just the two of us alone in this house, him yelling, me cowering or tuning it out. One day I found my backbone again and said "F...you" after a particularly nasty accusation. It didn't change things, but at least he knew he couldn't hurt me any more. It took me more time to find that courage than it did you. I know there were a few good years in there somewhere because when he started having heart trouble, I couldn't leave. Some part of me still cared. I still care today. I don't know what went wrong.

The biggest mistake I ever made was being honest with him about my life before we met. I truly think he went to his grave thinking somewhere in those 40 years, I cheated on him. I never did.

Now you have the whole sordid story. I don't need to watch soap operas. I lived one.

[Margm]

I'm so sorry Karen.  He had told me marriage was 25/75 and to guess which part was mine. He finally got tired of working two jobs though.  There were some ridiculous times, but I recognized his insecurity.  I knew where it came from.  Did not stop me from getting my revenge.  Even if he had never known, I knew it.  Time came for him to know.  Time came for me to "forgive" and he was not happy with what I did at all.  So, I up and left.  He did change.  He actually became a good trusting man, he told me he knew he was not doing me right.  At the end of the separation, I really was not sure about going back.  The kids were grown.  I didn't have to go back.  It kind of reminded me of our going steady.  I wasn't into it fully.  He knew it and finally said, Okay, lets just stay away from each other awhile.  I thought about it overnight and called him the next day and said I didn't want to stay away.  I'm not the type that will take it forever, but I probably do things wrong.  It was right for me though.  Lots and lots of good years way outweighed the bad.  We just grew up with our kids, and I understood "where he was coming from" and I know two wrongs don't make a right, but they did in this case.  

Can you think back about why he would have been like this?  I knew why Billy was.  And it took me being "wrong" to make him right.  Wonderful father, no faults there, terrific grandfather, so much better than me.  There was a lot of love in him.  I did understand him, but don't regret what I did.  Miss him.

[KarenK]

I don't have to think very hard about his reasoning. His ex wife was a stewardess when they married. She went to work for the Navy Dept. and evidently couldn't pass up any man in a uniform. She became a heroin addict and tried to stab him to death. He kicked her through the closet door. She left after charging all the credit cards to the max. They divorced.(sounds like a crime story) I don't think I knew all this before we married. I was definitely not like her. Not proud of it, but I was unfaithful during my first marriage. No excuse except I was 17 yrs. old, husband in the Coast Guard, gone out to sea a lot and I was lonely. I never saw it coming. I became friends with a Navy guy living next door. We started playing tennis together and before I knew it, it became more. I was so stupid. I thought the guy loved me. I had the baby, but not the maturity to be married. We were together 9 rocky years. Of course relating that to Ron was part of my honesty I mentioned. I was not that 17 yr. old girl anymore. One last thing......I had been crazy about a guy who worked in my building, very short fling, before I ever met Ron. I wasn't crazy about him anymore, but couldn't avoid running into him in the building. We were still friends. I guess all of these things combined set off a time bomb in Ron's mind. Those years were awful and at times I thought I'd lose my mind. My mother was the only one who knew all this, but there was nothing she could do except love me. She was my best friend. My daughter knew part of it and stayed until she was 15, then went to Ky to live with her dad. I knew why she left. I never told Ron because he loved her and I didn't want to hurt him. When I went to see her for the last time, she apologized for leaving me alone with him. She said she couldn't stand the yelling and the way he treated me and Gram. I assured her she had nothing to apologize for. She was a frightened child. I always felt awful for putting her through all that. I put someone else before my child and that was so wrong.

I'm so glad you and Billy were able to work things out and have many happy years.

It just wasn't in the cards for us, I guess.

I hope I haven't offended anyone by telling this long horrible tale. There's so much more I can't tell. I've never told anyone before now.

[Margm]

No offence whatsoever.  We all had trouble with these strangers whether married to them 5 years, 10 years, or married 3-4 times..  Like a said, you have  to kiss a lot of frogs. Sometime you live with a bear.  Sometimes you tame him.  Lots of changing on our parts.  I know he planned more for my dying than I did his.  I said we did not ever talk about dying, and that was because we weren't.  But we did.  I could not get him past 75.  I gave it all I had.  Right now, I'm glad we didn't know.  I don't want to know.  I can still see those arms held out to hold me one last time and I knocked his arms down and turned my back.  He wasn't leaving.  But he did.  

 

[Gwenivere]

I cannot even imagine going through what you both did.  Steve could be a real ass at times when he was young.  It was mostly insensitivity and a penchant for choosing awful words that hurt deeply.  He was an expert at it.  His anger scared me a few times and we had a hole punched in a door for many years.  I came to find out this was more directed at other things and I was an easy target.  I showed him nothing but love.  As far as I knew, his upbringing was good, but I did see a dark side of his mother that was so cold.  She was a very judge mental woman.  His father was an alcoholic which created much friction between them.  I know they separated several times because of it.  For the strong personality he portrayed, he was actually very fragile, using his looks and charm more than his morals and ethics.  The longer we were together after my agreeing to his wish for freedom, the more he became the man I knew he was and loved from the start.  It was a transformation that gave us 29 years of 41 of what true love really is.  It was only the fairytale, honeymoon stage in the beginning that gives way to reality in a few years.  As for cheating, he was guilty of that.  I wasn’t surprised since we did that to previous spouses being together.  The thing that amazed me is when we were divorcing, I did date someone else and he exploded.  Even his mother told him she couldn’t condemn me.  He was dumping me.  The thing it showed was he really did still love me because he knew I would never do that unless I felt I meant nothing to him anymore.  I wasn’t cheating.  My counselor at the time said the man served a huge purpose (I knew it wouldn't be a long term thing) as I needed to see I was Not the person Steve made me feel as not attractive or special.  

He was a giving, loving and caring man he hid even from himself for a long time.  I never wanted to give up on him.  The best thing that happened is I got the real him back.  We never took each other for granted or intentionally hurt each other again.  Not once.  When we did accidentally, we worked it out immediately.  

Karen, you didn’t offend me at all.  I had no idea what your marriage or past was and I feel I know so much more about you.  Well, that’s obvious, but I mean I think it’s noble/brave to be so honest and share.  I didn’t understand little things you said in the past hinting at this.  I’m so sorry he couldn’t accept you for who you evolved into from the life lessons we all go thru in different ways.  

People ofen see their spouse as a saint because they died.  But they were humanly imperfect as we all are.

[KarenK]

Thank you for that Gwen and Marg. I'm not brave or noble, just a woman with a broken heart who needed to tell her story among friends in hopes that some would understand.

[Kieron]

No offense taken whatsoever, Karen.  Life is imperfect and messy, as we all are.  It's taken me this long to see it. I can see shadows in immaculate, light-filled photo shoots of things like beautiful homes in magazines, or images of cabins in the woods, or people living apparently spectacular lives in the wilderness or on the oceanside, and so forth.  I know that it requires pain, sacrifice, sweat, long hours of travel, physical effort, and a team of artists, laborers and talent --to make it all look pretty for our consumption.  And that's not even to mention the secret, shadow sides of the owners of these places, or the people in these perfectly curated relationships.  Facebook, Instagram, Tumblr, Pinterest, etc, it's all the same: curated.  The pushers of these images are called "influencers."  And this is why so many people are miserable, thinking that their own life is pathetic because they see others having loads of fun, vacations, happy-go-lucky, forgetting that they're witnessing the "highlight reel" of others' lives.  Occasionally the shadows leak out and we see what we missed before: misery, secretive eating disorders, depression, marital fighting, backstabbing, shady financial dealings, etc.

These sides of each of our relationships that no one else sees, we all have them and anyone who believes in a nonstop fairytale is deceived.  it's easy to see why we want the illusion... but too much can be toxic, as well as a fun mental diversion-- as long as we acknowledge the shadows.

4 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

People ofen see their spouse as a saint because they died.  But they were humanly imperfect as we all are.

This is the truth. 

[kayc]

No offense at all!  You both persevered with the bad to make it to the good, I admire that.  I wish Paul (kids' dad) and I had made it through but I never saw any sign of anything ever improving, he made no attempt whatsoever, but then I would have missed the best time of my life with George, so I guess it's all in perspective, besides, ultimately he got the divorce so, out of my hands.  I envy those who made it through the hump, that time when your kids are leaving home and you wake up and wonder who this stranger is. I also envy those who were never strangers, never abused.  I went through it with all my marriages except George, he's the only one that ever truly loved and cared about me, so although it was all too short, it was wonderful while it lasted.  I'd never stay with abuse again, went through the jealousy rages with my first husband and the beatings, he was insane, literally.  He'd been diagnosed at 16 with paranoid schizophrenia, I was 13, wish I'd known what that meant back then!

7 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I think it’s noble/brave to be so honest and share.

I so agree!

 

[KarenK]

Maybe I should have never put it out there. It's just been cooped up inside for a very long time, though it's unfair that the other person is not here to defend himself.

Perhaps the thing that hurts the most is that I lived with him over 40 years, and yet he never knew or believed what was in my heart. I was not perfect, but his head was filled with things that were so untrue. I just want to scream "How could he think that about me?" .

There will never be any answers.

[MartyT]

Karen, my dear, I truly do believe that one of the worst feelings in the world is that of feeling misjudged by another person ~ most especially by a person we're desperately trying to love and one we're hoping will love us in return.  ❤️

[Margm]

3 hours ago, kayc said:

I never saw any sign of anything ever improving,

You also have to follow your brain, not just your heart.  You are a very intelligent, human, woman.  I sure cannot claim sainthood, in fact, I might have to crawl under the "pearly gates" but I will be there.  

To all who have followed and know about my daughters abuse from the "youth minister" now 36 years ago.  I did everything humanly possible to help her.  I even talked to a Catholic priest, who informed me about the battle the Catholic Church was having.  A movie in 2015, called "Spotlight" is not easy to watch, but the true findings are serious.  This new pastor that sent Kelli the pornographic pictures made a grave mistake.  I do believe it was warring with his psyche.  He had already been plagued by these "weaknesses" in other churches he had pastored with.  He messaged proof of his "problem" and Kelli tried to go through the big church association, then his pastor (who needs training in identifying these problems).  Finally, she went through a friend who is a detective in this division of the sheriff's department.  Undeniable proof.  He was arrested.  The charges are serious and lifelong. He also seemed relieved, and yes, he was a member of our church those 36 years ago when she was being abused.  She had tried to tell me "Mama, he is not that nice a man."  That will always live with me.  Then the OD, and I hit the road trying to find help.  She has had 36 years of counseling off and on for PTSD.  He did not try to deny it and said he would tell all he knew on the pastor from 36 years ago, and he was a teenager then..  He knew.  Nothing can be done now anyhow.  He is in poor health and has been in trouble with the low on other things.  Kelli said please no jailtime.  She wants him to get a proper amount of counseling.  His wife was there and she wanted him arrested, so he is in his wife's jail.  

She used to be a nurse in the parish jail, she had classes for women that had been abused, so she has this experience.  She is supposed to work on a program with the church association's group to "educate" pastors that do not seem to understand this.  They do not suspect, or maybe they do and just do not know what to do.  This is a load that she has carried for 36 years that has been lifted.  I can say, sometimes we feel no happiness ever again.  This load lifted off my middle aged daughter was one happy moment, a happy feeling for my girl's heavy load being lifted.  She has many illnesses but she fights like a true Wonder Woman.   

[KarenK]

Marg, I'm glad for Kelli's sake that this is finally being addressed. She does sound like a Wonder Woman to want to be able to help others. I hope she is able to heal a bit now.

We all somehow learn to carry our burdens.....

[Margm]

44 minutes ago, KarenK said:

Maybe I should have never put it out there.

Why not?  We all fight the same battles.  I once asked my neighbor, the one who helped me so much when Billy passed, if she had ever had any problems the long time they were married, with unfaithfulness.  She was so sweet and truthful with me anyhow, when she told me "no," I had to believe her.  While all my friends had bumpy roads in their marriages, it felt good to know someone who had a faithful marriage.  My own mom and dad's marriage had a time after I was out of the house that they had counseling from their pastor.  Did my dad "cheat" on my mom?   I kind of figure he did.  He was a friendly person, not sticky friendly, but he would go out of his way to help a woman that had car trouble, needed help otherwise.  My mom?  No, the last thing on any of our minds would have been her cheating.  Strange, one night Daddy was working late shift, he did not have keys to the new back door yet, he knocked and Mama had been asleep and said "Is that you James?"  My dad's name was Elvie.  We laughed about that for years.  Daddy was not jealous.  They never fought over anything but money.  No drinking or drugs.  I  never heard them fussing about the opposite sex.  My mom "burned her bra" a long time before the feminist movement happened.  Billy's folks fought about cheating until he died, then she had a date with the funeral director.  

We grieve the man we lost whether he was good or not.  We look for the goodness and sometimes we find it.  My grandmother loved my grandfather so much.  I know I have mentioned she had the same kind of cancer I did.  She also had seven children by him.  The coma she was in while dying, she would murmur "I couldn't be a wife to him" and I'm so sorry she felt that way.  Our treatment was brutal.  She knew he ran around, she excused him and blamed herself.  She carried that guilt to the grave.  I have sinned, but I don't feel guilty against Billy, I feel guilty I have let myself down only. 

4 minutes ago, KarenK said:

We all somehow learn to carry our burdens...

We do Karen, and you have had your share and more of grief.  I'm so sorry.  We cannot go back and change things.  We cannot think "I should of" about anything.  I still feel close to Billy, but he was no more perfect than I am.  We weathered storms some people could not.  We went a lot of times not liking each other, but he was me and I was him.  Maybe my throwing his way of living back onto him, maybe it helped him see himself.  He actually apologized to me and said he knew he was being mean to me.  Like I said though, I did understand where he was coming from.  I could not have stayed past those first nine years if things had not changed.  Don't feel guilty about talking about your marriage.  You have told the reasons he had to not trust women.  You just suffered the abuse meant for  those other women, and you are sweet and not as mean as I am.  Every marriage has problems.  None of us are perfect.