Finding Marg

[Gwenivere]

17 minutes ago, Marg M said:

Don't feel guilty about talking about your marriage.  You have told the reasons he had to not trust women.  You just suffered the abuse meant for  those other women, and you are sweet and not as mean as I am.  Every marriage has problems.  None of us are perfect.

That is so wise, Marg.  Summed up what I wanted to say.  

Karen, yes, it is good you put it out there/here.  You were the victim of anger meant for others.  You were treated terribly and not with equality.  I hope you feel better for unloading.  If so, it was the right thing to do.  Sometimes stirring up the past makes it worse and I truly hope this lessens your load.  I don’t see how he could defend his treatment of you and I’m a real devils advocate type.  Just reading you had to account for your every moment is cruel.  We can’t change it now anyway, but just knowing that is often not enough.  We need to be heard and shown we always matter, no matter what.  Every person deserves that.  Yours was stolen.  People like to judge what you should have done and that is not helpful at all.  No one knows the depths of what we personally go thru and why.  Too easy for most to say things being on the outside. Hugs.

[KarenK]

Marg, it brings to mind this Longfellow poem:

There was a little girl

Who had a little curl

Right in the middle of her forehead.

When she was good,

She was very, very good

But when she was bad

She was horrid.

 

There were countless times when he was kind, loving, and caring and countless times when he was the opposite. I just have to blend the two.

I don't remember my parents fighting. It just wasn't something they would have done in front of me, but I remember him yelling. He had a real temper, the kind that blinded him. One time he slapped me from one end of the cabin to the other because I snuck out with a boy. He was humming as he did it. I was 13 and dumber than dirt at the time. Had no idea what "sin" I'd supposedly committed.  He had his hidden demons too. I remember asking my mother why she ran like a scared rabbit when he got mad. She never ran again. I loved both my parents.

 

[Margm]

Karen, for some reason my mom used to recite that poem to me often.  I don't know why.😏

[Gwenivere]

I’ve heard the poem but never understood what effect it is supposed to have.  I think about how open children’s minds are and so influenced by their parents.  Is this to convey a commentary about their behavior thru their parents eyes?     I never did prayers, all I needed was that forehead kiss from my mom at night.  

I know you are talking about Ron, Karen.  I hope you don’t feel you were horrid.  I keep following this thread and feel you carry too much inside.  Not having spoke of it before it had to be a tremendous weight.  I do understand he wasn’t cruel all the time.  Those situations are easier to navigate and probably free ourselves from.  I don’t know if I should be saying anything.  I just hate to see anyone in pain or pulled in conflicting directions. It did get me to take a look back realistically  at Steve who everyone thought was perfect.  Ah, except my mother.  She was aware of his bad side.  To the point she called him and confronted him.  He thought I put her up to it, I didn’t.  I was as surprised as he was.  Looking after ones brood is a mom thing tho.  

You can tell me to shut up anytime.

[KarenK]

Gwen, you are sweet to worry about me. I can weather this storm. I just have to stop waiting for an apology that's never going to happen.

Don't you go dragging up your demons. You have enough pain.

I was not horrid. I left that up to him.

I was a bit horrid in my first marriage. More immature and confused, I think. We both were. Those apologies have long since been made and accepted. We are still friends. Heck, we were married 57 years ago.

Need to get this tv off the Classic Country music channel. Way too many memories.

[Gwenivere]

I’ve been letting Xmas movies run in the evening.  One of our favorites was Scrooged and I wound up in tears after.  I don’t know why I’m doing this.  Last night was Jack Frost which I never saw.  Tears again as Michael Keaton got to see his family again after his death.  Not really a good representation of how his wife would have felt.  She was way too OK at the one year anniversary.  Good about his 12 year old son.  Anyway, like your country music, I have to start turning this stuff off.  

[kayc]

18 hours ago, KarenK said:

I just have to blend the two.

I think you're wise to realize that.  We have to reconcile who they were, ALL of who they were, for no marriage or person is perfect.  George and I were still in the honeymoon stage but it was quickly coming to an end, he died before it could get real bad, but I've learned to take the whole of the man, not just the part.  I had just found out he'd been using drugs, stealing from "us" and lying to cover up, just three weeks before he died...  I appreciate he came forward of his own volition, that meant a helluva lot!  But it was a lot to deal with, at the same time my work PC failed, as did the backups, I had to reenter everything for the year (one company had been 11 months in, the other 5) including re-creating data bases, AND deal with the revelation that my daughter had been raped when she was four and get her counseling.  Her dad would not help.  I was dealing with all of this and George up and dies on top of everything?!!  It's a wonder I didn't crack.  Maybe I did and just didn't realize it.  I know my mind was in a fog after he died.  Otherwise I wouldn't have given "Con John" the time of day!  That and each and every friend we had disappeared overnight.  Gotta love fair-weather friends! 

Marg, your daughter is magnificent.  She's trying to bring some positivity from something horrible, and that, to me, is a true hero.

Karen, I hope you know you can always talk to us here, we know each other, we're here for each other, we get each other, in spite of different backgrounds and areas of the country.  We've collectively been through an amazing amount.

 

[KarenK]

Kay,

I think each one of us has been to our own private hell and back. The important thing is that we made it back and as you said, we have each other.

Luv Ya

[nashreed]

10 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I’ve been letting Xmas movies run in the evening.  One of our favorites was Scrooged and I wound up in tears after.  I don’t know why I’m doing this.  Last night was Jack Frost which I never saw.  Tears again as Michael Keaton got to see his family again after his death.  Not really a good representation of how his wife would have felt.  She was way too OK at the one year anniversary.  Good about his 12 year old son.  Anyway, like your country music, I have to start turning this stuff off.  

Don't torture yourself! My family is always wanting to watch Christmas movies and play Christmas music. Don't they know how incredibly depressing that crap is for me?  Those ridiculous "classics" are so overplayed as it is. I hated hearing the same stupid songs working in retail. I made CD's of songs that were non- traditional, that I could stand. If "Winter Wonderland" is a "Christmas" song, so is "Winter" by the Stones. 

[Gwenivere]

I’m learning.  I guess I wanted to see if I could feel something.  Well, I did.  But not heartwarming.  Woke up again today cold inside wondering why I did.  Nothing of any importance here for me except my pet responsibilities.  The mail was insurance crap and a gift card from the grief support group to a place I’ll never go to.  If Steve were here, would be fun to check out.  But I don’t venture to crowded areas because of walking issues.  It was nice of them tho.  I’ll try and find someone to offer it to.  

Don’t have to worry about music as I don’t listen to it.  Only hear it when the alarm goes off so it propels me out of bed.  So far anyway.  I’m afraid one day I’ll just turn it off and say screw it.  Today is a perfect example as I have nothing I can do without pain.  Faced with hours til I can go back to bed.  

A buddy wants to stop by Saturday, my inclination is to decline but then I’d only have myself to blame complaining as I do about loneliness and no one caring.  I use to love having company, but it’s so rare now that it feels pressured (from myself, not them).  It’s hard to play along with the humor of 'if you can fit me in on your busy dance card', but I know that’s just me.  I hate that being around people is hard now.  That was my natural preferred thing before this year.  I think I still like it when this guy comes by.  It’s now odd with the mask and no touch thing.   No hugs.  Can’t see his whole face.  I know that is getting to me on a global scale.  Like I live in some whacked out movie.  I know no one likes it, but they seem to have adapted better.  

Thought I was doing a little better physically by moving to a different chair to sit in, but tried to clean the bathroom and am on a break.  Have to go finish.  This isn’t even intense stuff, I leave that for the housekeeper.  It’s just plain discouraging.  

I did get a med questionnaire for Medicare for fun later.  Yippee.  One of my favorite things to do, focus more on my limits and age restraints.  I think it would be easier if I felt as old mentally that I fight thru physically.  I’m not accepting this gracefully.  People I know are.  But they aren’t fighting in grief alone.  I hobble happier if I was doing it with Steve.

 

[nashreed]

Sounds like a party, Gwen. Annette always used to joke that she could beat anybody at the "Oh woe is me" thing and how many things are wrong with her. Filling out just her list of medications was fuuun. Never enough space for all of them. 

It is a conundrum as to going to visit people. I went to my father-in-law's, and it was more depressing than it was good for me. Him and his wife moved in with his daughter-in-law, and she has kids, and a big ol' dog and it's nice and homey... and depressing. I'm torn too, because I have to be careful. I don't want to give my Mom anything, and they're Conservative Christians (aka COVID deniers). He's a good man. I just don't see how he could be so fooled, but....

I do hope something warms your heart this Christmas. Maybe just seeing some birds outside or sometimes if I hear a phrase or say something in my head, I can hear Annette's response, and that brings a smile. There's still miracles to be had on Christmas, for even the lonely.

[Gwenivere]

Thanks, James.  I’ll be on the lookout for something good Friday.  The biggie will be hoping to feel motivated to get some Chinese food like we used to. Pretty burned out on burgers and I don’t want to eat a frozen dinner.  I don’t 'feel' like it’s a special day anymore, but my brain is programmed from decades of them and the memories you can’t outrun.  In session I asked my grief counselor what she was doing, she’s alone with her cat, and she said nothing.  She’s used to this.  Was happy she just put a few lights outside.  I wish I could be so Zen.  I guess that’s why she’s the counselor.  Talking to me wouldn’t help anyone.  I also see she provides help for people so she has that purpose thing we are looking for.  Some here have it with their families.  It’s changed, but it’s important.  I’m just balancing my finances, moving stuff I can around to make it more back friendly to reach and trying to stay sane.  I pass all the houses with trees and sometimes see the people together inside making me remember times like that in my home.

[kayc]

Gwen, It's okay to deep six the survey, they send us way too many such things, they also call too much and it invariably is at dinner time.  I pick and choose when I care to respond.  I've developed the attitude IF I choose to participate, fine, if not, fine also!

I think it was James that said (somewhere) that he saw some hummingbirds and it brightened his day...it's the little things like that, which I look for and am grateful for.  George and I used to sit on our porch swing and watch them...or the deer.

I know you're worn out and needing something good to come your way.  Your strength in surviving is inspirational, I also know you don't feel it.  Sometimes we operate on an inner strength we don't realize.  Sometimes we're just flat out weary of it.  I truly hope for something to brighten your day, no matter how small.  Got any chocolate?

[Gwenivere]

Funny you should ask, Kay.  One of my created 'needs' yesterday was to restock my dark chocolate M&M's.  Went to 2 places, they are quite popular.  Found I paid $2 more ate the first place.  It was literally all I bought (one at each store) for all the parking, walking and pain effort. 

I did the survey because it didn’t require anything but checked boxes, no filling in details.  Makes a task for this afternoon, go to the PO.  I could put it in my box, but this gets me out for a bit.   That and. The burger I decided on as Chinese food would depress me.  That was an'us' thing.  

Melody made me grateful this morning in a deep way.  I posted about that in another topic and my brain is so muddled I forget which one.  

Christmas Eve.  Santa won’t be bringing me what I want and need.  Can’t have him or a content heart.  Was so much easier as a kid when I wanted a train.

[kayc]

I hear you.  Going to pick up my daughter and go to my son's for a couple of hours, 6 hours driving in very short daylight.  I'd rather be home relaxing but it'll be good to see my grandkids & kids, and we're all that's coming so fairly quiet, although I love Bethany's family and would love to see them, COVID isn't the time to do it.  I was nervous last time I went and counted the days past to know I was through it, had to quarantine afterwards in case.  Bringing Kodie with me, not sure how he'll handle the back seat after I pick up Melissa, he wants to be next to me.  Wish I didn't have bucket seats!  It'd sure be easier.

Need to start thinking about payroll reports & year end stuff at the church, groan.  1 1/2 more months until I'm done.  I imagine I'll get a lot of phone calls.

Having (well) water problems, praying it resolves itself.  It could be a collapsed bladder on the tank, or pump, or pump tec, or low water table, don 't know.  Is there an 0ption under $10?  Haha. 

I'm glad you got some chocolate!  Maybe I'll have a chocolate covered coffee bean this morning for my "treat."  At this rate (once a year at Christmas) it'll last the rest of my life!

[KarenK]

Robert's workplace owners did a 12 days of Xmas thing and he brought home Hershey's, Nestle's, Reeses, cookies, etc. It's everywhere. I may be sick.  lol

Be safe on your trip, Kay. Glad you''ll be with your family.

Threw a pork roast in the slow cooker. Will probably watch my new DVD "Call Of The Wild" while the guys sleep.

[Gwenivere]

Sounds cozy, Karen.  I’m sure I saw that movie, I know I was wanting to because it had 2 of my favorite things.  Harrison Ford and a dog.  An acquaintance is coming by with some goodies.  She’s really paranoid, but going to try and coax her inside so Melody can see her too.  

Glad you are seeing your family too, Kay.  I’m missing mine so very much.  It’s also a tough day to try and fill with tasks with everything closed.  Used to always go for a drive in the eeriness of it.  Will probably still do it, just miss coming home to the gang.  Big plan is cleaning the birdcage.  Did get a package of art stuff yesterday from my cousin.  Not into that now.

hopes for a good day to you both and everyone. 💖

 

[nashreed]

My family had a heckuva time getting me gifts. I don't know what I want (or it's things that are too expensive). I have so little room for stuff in this cramped mobile home as it is. I really don't need more CD's, but they're about all I have interest in- so I got some, along with some clothes, a nightlight and a shower curtain 😺 . I got my brother all Baby Yoda stuff to be funny. 

[kayc]

 

16 hours ago, nashreed said:

I got my brother all Baby Yoda stuff

I think my grandson has that too. 

[Gwenivere]

OK, Marg hasn’t been here since Friday.  I know she had some family stuff come up.  Just worried about her, not that she isn’t competent. Hoe she checks in soon.  She has too many people depending on her and can't say no.  Such a big heart.  ❤️

[widow'15]

3 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

OK, Marg hasn’t been here since Friday.

Oh my goodness.  Hope she is well.  Dee

[Margm]

I wrote somewhere and now I can't find it.  Nothing any different with my health.  Everything is the same.  I think I'm getting paranoid about everything.  (Yeah, I know that is not good).  My sister was finally put on oxygen, you all will understand numbers better than I do.  I hate numbers.  Her oxygen saturations fell to into the probably low 80's at night wearing some contraption and they had her oxygen at the door at 8:00 a.m.  She said she had been up gasping for breath.  Talking about regrets the other night I said our aunt as she got older kept telling the things she regretted not doing.  I hate regrets and y'all know my only one is not holding Billy when he reached for me.  We do crazy things when life slaps you in the face, or rather death.  Nothing I can do about that now.  Don't want to lose my kids or sister.  Kelli's platelets (she just told me) had fallen, so she will have to be given platelets again.  Will have a new counselor for Bri, I hope soon.  

All of y'all, I hope you are doing the best you can.  Gin, I'm so sorry about your brother.  I am nine years older than my sister, it was like she was my baby.  She said she regretted ever smoking.  She goes to AA, life has not been easy for her.  Working 29 years in child protection in New Orleans drove her to drink.  If I had had to keep my mom I would be dead.  I'm selfish and broke the 5th commandment, and a few more.  I don't think I ever killed anyone, so that is probably the only one I have not broken.  Don't think I ever coveted anything my neighbor had either.  

Well, I've managed to get out some words.  I'm usually going to bed at 5 or 6:00 a.m. either reading or stuck on some TV show..  I hope y'all are staying away from COVID.  A woman behind me in Walmart did not have her mask on and we were waiting for the deli.  Sorry to say this, but most all of the people that don't wear one are white.  I turned around and started wild coughing and that woman left.  Really, if you cannot protect me than try to protect yourself.  We don't have any mandates.  A big sign on the 7-11 (do we still have them?) a store Kelli stops to get her big drink from nearly every day.  Small area, 4-5 people and Kelli was the only one who  had on a mask.  The big sign said masks required.  The girl at the register said "see you tomorrow" and Kelli turned around and said, I don't think so, look at the people in front of you without masks, then she left.  I'm just as tired of this pandemic as everyone, but people are dropping right and left and it actually is our only defense or protection, and very little of that.  Okay, off my soap box.  Y'all take care of yourself.  And yes, the shaking is worse.  Nothing can be done about it though.  It's not Parkinson's.  

[KarenK]

Good to see you here, woman. Was about to send out the Marines.

Glad your sister has finally gotten oxygen. Anything below 90 is considered too low. Don't know much about platelets except I remember that Debbie's platelets would sometimes be too low for her to get chemo and it required an injection of some kind.

I imagine regrets are something we all learn to live with. What's done is done. There are no "do overs".

[widow'15]

Marg:  Thanks for checking in.  I loved the way you solved the un-masked lady at the deli counter.  Great move.  Keeping you and your family in my thoughts.  Hugs, Dee

[Gwenivere]

Good to hear from you Marg.  So sorry about the family maladies.  I use oxygen and it’s best to keep at 95% or more.  I know platelets are vital for supplying the body with oxygen.  

Ugh, the mask civil war.  Here we have major compliance.  Not wearing one will have you banned from entering just about anywhere.  Stores have them if you need one.  People here do wide sweeps around each other.  Carts are sanitized when brought in from raking lots.  Sanitizer stations in a lot of places.  I carry it and use it after anyplace I’ve been in.  

You’re keeping hours like me.  How you keep up with day stuff I don’t know if you get up earlier than noon.  I just prefer the night.  Daytime is mostly problems for me.  I have no one needing me as well.  

Hugs to you!  💖