Finding Marg

[kayc]

5 hours ago, Marg M said:

Don't want to lose my kids or sister.

I'm feeling that too.  I am glad your sister got help with her oxygen.  I don't know anyone who likes needing it but so essential when one does!  
Last night talking about how they're pushing back the elderly's Covid shots (and I recently nearly lost my little sister to it, she was literally on her death bed nearly a month) pastor's wife replied, "Our days are numbered."  In this context it sounded very minimizing of Covid and it's ravages.  I called her out on it.  There is no minimizing someone dying.  My greatest fear is losing another sister or kids/grands, or Kodie.  I hope you have yours with you a long time, Marg.  We've all lost enough.

Marg, I am astounded, here I have not seen people out in public not wearing masks, they'd make them leave.  Police have been called!

I was up at 3 today, 3:30 yesterday, 1:00 a couple days ago (not by choice).  Day's half over when you guys go to bed! 

 

 

[Margm]

I don't read the statistics.  I would imagine that Louisiana has a very large number.  This is my state, this is my country, two big bayou's divide my life..  My mom's folks all lived around and beyond what they call Bodcau bottoms and bayou.  Actually, both granddads on both sides lived on and beyond Dorcheat Bayou.  Probably all Native American names.  (I so very much wanted Native American DNA, but it was all Scotch/Irish and a little Scandinavian).   Living so close to the mosquitoes and other things, I am sure malaria and/or yellow fever was prominent.  The humidity and heat on any day of the year is tropical.  Sometimes when we have winter, it is "bone cold" winter.  Below are pictures of my life. Fishing on Dorcheat Bayou and my country grandma's country store.  On a crossroads, like a 7-11 store, the only one for miles and miles around. (Farm people even more scattered now than it was then.)  Dorcheat is still there, but pine trees grow in a crop where the store used to be.  I miss that early life.  To think we are spending our final years penned in a house with only being allowed out with masks.  Life is a joke sometimes, but it also was a magazine.  

Talked to my sister and daughter.  My sister is a trooper.  Never married.  Plenty of chances, she won beauty contests.  She was a genius in all the schools, but common sense eluded her.  I told her when I was first married Billy would not let me see my old friends and she said "See, that is why I'm not married."  Well, where was I to go.  He apologized in later years for his mental cruelty, but by that time it was only the period at the end of the sentence.  I think we are strong women and men.  (Gotta include men).  I did not make things easy for Billy either.  In the end, you are left with losing the best friend you ever had or you sometimes have some relief at last.  Still, you somehow miss the voice, the every day bother, just plain the life you led.  We started out as strangers, in the middle we were not sure if we wanted to continue on, but in the end, I'm glad we did.  I think he felt the same, we had a lot of happiness and I miss him.

[Gwenivere]

10 hours ago, kayc said:

was up at 3 today, 3:30 yesterday, 1:00 a couple days ago (not by choice).  Day's half over when you guys go to bed! 

It’s all in how we each structure our day.  I have 17 hour days.  They just start at noon.  So the day is as long as anyone else’s.  Some people have different rhythms.  That’s why we have night workers.  🌙

I have fought all my life with early hours.  Lived them for decades and when I retired fell into my natural state.  I could enjoy the daytime when I was young because there was so much to do and experience.  Now that I basically just exist, this is normal for me.  Same thing happened to Steve when he retired from his tech job. Fell back into band hours playing bars at night and life continued after til early hours to go to sleep.  He was more versatile than I was tho.  Could jump around more easily.  

Ive gotten so much judgement (not you Kay) on my hours over the years.  Don’t know why people do that.  If I could participate in volunteering physically, I might have motivation to 'change my ways'.  It’s bad enough that my usual hours are filled with med stuff and lacking Steve at night.  Also with having panic disorder, it can regulate a schedule out of fear of having attacks.  

 

 

[Margm]

3 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

Ive gotten so much judgement (not you Kay) on my hours over the years.

Why in this world is it anyone's business what hours we live?  I chastise myself for watching that damn "Broadchurch" on Netflix into the daylight nearly only because it takes away from my reading time.  Only, each episode ends on a cliffhanger and you have to watch the next.  Book is forgotten.  It is actually only things, time restraints we place on ourselves.  We are our own boss it seems.  Who do we have to live up to?  My kids have always been vampires and my granddaughter is the same.  That is why Scott works 11-7 at VA, he used to walk the streets at 4:00 a.m. because he could not sleep.  I was so afraid he would be stopped by police for just walking the streets at that time.  Never was until he was in Alaska and did that one time.  

[Margm]

11 hours ago, kayc said:

Marg, I am astounded, here I have not seen people out in public not wearing masks, they'd make them leave.  Police have been called!

I think I have said this, all I have really seen are the white people without them.  I think they are trying to make a political statement.  Those statements won't protect them when they are dying.  They will die alone, just like the ones that go now.  But, I was no help to Billy by being there either.  

[KarenK]

According to the White House report, Arizona is still leading the nation in New Covid cases, deaths, and hospitalizations. We are all wearing masks here. At least I've not seen anyone without one. The fact that we have a lot of retired "snowbirds" here in the winter may have an impact on the numbers.

The only person who is judgemental about my sleeping pattern is me. I wish I could sleep from midnight to 8am, but it's never going to happen. It's usually from about 5am till noon. It's fine for this household with my son working nights and sleeping days. TV is a constant gig so hours don't matter.

[Gwenivere]

This mask thing (which is absolutely necessary in this fight, I believe in science and facts) has gotten so far out of control.  China did this with huge compliance and got results.  New Zealand is covid free from it.  The refusers endanger others.  If it were as simple as only they would get sick, great....do what you want.  I’ve never seen so many people become spoiled brats with temper tantrums.  

You, me and Marg, Karen.  Tho I can’t think of what I’d do at 8am.  It was only necessary when I worked for a company.  Even then I’d rather have slept.  I’m sure your state getting an influx of people is bad for it.  Florida had horrid numbers before they shut the beaches down.  Now another mutation from Africa.  Hope the vaccines stay effective.  That’s the big question now.  

 

[nashreed]

It's interesting. I used to not be a morning person at all, but since moving back to California, and a mobile home park, I get up at 7am- same time as my Mom. I like it early, when it's quiet- before the kids are out. I couldn't possibly sleep in. It gets noisy by 9 (nobody around here must work- they're always doing "home improvement" jobs) and as it is, I have to have white noise to sleep. 

[KarenK]

Well folks, you know you're old when a nice younger man stops on his way into the store to ask if you need help putting your groceries in your vehicle. Guess I looked like I was struggling. I thanked him and told him I would be alright. It was nice of him to offer.

[kayc]

Marg, I love your pictures and your stories!

Gwen, don't ever let anyone guilt you about your body rhythm, we have to listen to what works best for us.  I used to stay up until 11 and get up at 6:30, but that was before I got old/er.  I think I got used to getting up way early when I was working/commuting to Springfield, I'd often start shoveling snow at 3 am in order to be at work by 8 am!  By the time I retired, my body rhythm had changed and I get my best sleep if I go to bed between 8 and 9 and naturally awaken early...sometimes too early for my liking!  I've already learned if I lay here still and quiet for 1 1/2 hours and don't get back to sleep (after potty break) I'm not getting back to sleep and might as well give up and get up!  Laying there 2+ hours just gets frustrating and doesn't help.  My daughter is a night owl, always has been, her whole life, she struggles to sleep.  Melatonin seems to help her, unlike me, I have to take Trazodone but it's only good for 3-4 hours, if I don't get back to sleep and I'm desperate to catch up, I take a Benedryl.  That'll usually do it but I don't like to because if taken regularly, it can cause dementia (according to sister Polly that researches everything).  With my mom having had that, I do NOT want that so it's a last resort for me.

14 hours ago, Marg M said:

Those statements won't protect them when they are dying.

I know, right!  I guess I am lucky where I live, but not everyone takes it seriously, but they DO all have to comply!  They tied scaring everyone into submission around the holidays, threatening arrest if you went to see your family!  Police said they were going to use the opportunity to educate people, however, not arrest them.  I think our governor is clueless sometimes.  Meanwhile she had plans to be in Hawaii over the holidays until everyone had a fit about it!

7 hours ago, nashreed said:

I like it early, when it's quiet

Me too!  I love the still quiet of the night/early am.

[kayc]

7 hours ago, KarenK said:

Well folks, you know you're old when a nice younger man stops on his way into the store to ask if you need help putting your groceries in your vehicle. Guess I looked like I was struggling. I thanked him and told him I would be alright. It was nice of him to offer.

Haha, I'd TAKE the help but it's never offered when I'm struggling!  I've literally lost so much strength in my hands this year...

[Margm]

18 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Ive gotten so much judgement (not you Kay) on my hours over the years.  Don’t know why people do that.

Ever think that the "judgement" might sometimes just be envy?  They may say it sarcastically, but maybe inside they are wishing they could have control of their own time.  

[Gwenivere]

 I guess I ne’er thought about envy.  It is usually met with shock.  What is interesting is I have run into people that do the same.  We tend to have a bond of not being super achievers during the day.  We get lots done, but not the Herculean lists like some.  The most inconvenient thing about it is scheduling appointments.  I do knock out half the day for that.  Often have to wait longer not doing mornings.  A lot of that would be my anxiety disorder too.  It’s taken such deep roots about 'safe times'.  I really miss going wherever whenever without worrying about an attack.  People don’t realize what a loss of freedom and spontaneity it is.

[Margm]

I have no idea what to think of this time in life.  (I just ate some chocolate ice cream), so I might be able to tell you what hell is in the next few hours.  Of course, I know not to eat it.  I do not know what to think of people, my friends, some are still friends, but I have learned they are not nearly as smart as I thought they were.  We have activists everywhere.  They just elected a woman to congress who thinks 9/11 was false, we have not walked on the moon, and she is a voiced white supremist.  One poor woman of another race moved her office somewhere away from this woman.  She does not believe the school killings ever happened.  We have kids put on the ground with one 6-7 year old wanting her mama.  They break into the white house, kill people, destroy history and yet "there are good people on both sides.

I belonged to a missionary Baptist Church that preached fire and brimstone so hard that I definitely was going to wait until most people cleared out of the church before I left..  

We have a pandemic that is branching out into fungus and bacteria resistant to treatment.  

And you don't have to wonder why I read and watch documentaries and cartoons instead of the news.  They have let a wild woman into the white house and everybody knows she is.  No one does anything about it because no one knows what they are doing anyhow.  But, that has been going on for years now, and it was the type of life my friends liked.  They would be most happy if we were all zipped back into the 1950's and early 60's.  Safest to stay in the house anyhow, a lot of nutty people out there.

All I can think about is Sodom and Gomorrah so I am not going to look behind me, either at the footsteps I hear or anything that will turn me into a pillar of salt.  

This is probably some politics with religion thrown in.  I'm in the process of making a shiny foil hat to pick up signals from somewhere.  Never paid attention to anything this crazy in 78 years, but my mom.  You almost could get used to her though.  

Most of this is done "tongue in cheek" so don't worry about me.  No crazier than usual except eating that chocolate.

[kayc]

22 hours ago, Marg M said:

Ever think that the "judgement" might sometimes just be envy?  They may say it sarcastically, but maybe inside they are wishing they could have control of their own time.  

Who would envy any of us or our lives?

12 hours ago, Marg M said:

And you don't have to wonder why I read and watch documentaries and cartoons instead of the news.

Nope, no wondering about that at all!

I love Pearls Before Swine!  My kind of humor...

[Margm]

29 minutes ago, kayc said:

Who would envy any of us or our lives?

No one in their right mind.  Do you see many people in their "right mind" lately?  Of course, I have only analyzed other people this last five years, before that analyzing myself was my biggest job, and my kids, and Billy, and Brianna.  Now I have some roadblocks to analyzing anything.  

[kevin]

Karen, my wife Angela used to go across the country to visit her mother for two weeks every summer as soon as school was out....( she was a Teacher)....I looked forward to it...golfed my head off,couple of Beer nights, and then got ready for family vacation once Angela returned...(4 kids)....... Separate vacations I never did agree with...

[Gwenivere]

4 hours ago, Marg M said:

Do you see many people in their "right mind" lately? 

Nope.  Myself included.  I really don’t know how to do this new way of life on top of the changes being a widow made.  This constant estrangement we are having to do socially is taking huge tolls.  I was already experiencing that due to my own circumstances, but now even strangers don’t want to engage at all.  I hear 'sorry' the most now when people pass me in the store.  Or they rush by or won’t pass if you are stopped looking at something.  I made the mistake of reading an article on HuffPost saying this could be a never ending pandemic if the world doesn’t get these vaccines done before more variants emerge.  it can potentially mutate to a form making the existing vaccines ineffective.  

I’m so tired of living with this threat over our heads and it affecting every aspect of life.  Every place is under its control.  I hate seeing that picture of the virus. Menus when I call places have now added more options to listen to trying to get to a human.  As much as I like Zoom calls with docs, I hate them with my counselors and one buddy I have.  My only home contact are repair people or my housekeeper.  I miss hugs.  Starving for them actually.  

So,right mind?  Nope.  I haven’t been really touched in going on a year.  This is a very effective torture method.  Allowing you to see people, but no can do that.  I’d give anything to feel an arm around me when I cry or just for the heck of it.  I never realized how much we all touched til this.  Someone’s hair or clothes.  A punch in the arm.  Grabbed their hand. Mostly....not having to sanitize after every frigging thing.

 

[Gwenivere]

19 hours ago, Marg M said:

This is probably some politics with religion thrown in.

I know we are supposed to restrict those views, but they sneak in a bit to emphasize points we are trying to make.  As long as we are not debating issues themselves or criticizing others, I think we’re OK.  

Religion is a big part of grief.  Not for me, but for many and I want to know how those I care about feel and respect their beliefs.  Mine have always been respected so it works out well.

We're safe here.  That’s the important thing.  

[Margm]

And this is what I think of all of you.  Not gonna lie, I've had some paranoia (I call it), and somehow I pulled inside myself.  No reason, maybe start of dementia.  Last night I gave Bri my debit card to order Domino's, took my billfold back and my card was not in it (of course).  I asked her if I had just given her my card.  Well of course I did, how was she ordering her pizza?  I had already eaten.  But, I got anxiety because the card was not in there and I had just handed it to her.  Most of my forgetfulness is stuff I have done all my life, but this scared me a little.  I do talk to myself a lot, which is nothing new because I talk to Billy a lot still.  But things like "you know you can do this, you've done it so many times before.  

Of course, we are not living in normal times.  I wish some one like Jonas Salk could  come forward and say "I have a vaccine for all the forms of this COVID and the new fungus and new bacteria that are both resistant to treatment."  I get angry.  I wear a three ply mask and should have a five ply and then all of these stupid people are making some kind of political statement like this is just a government joke.  And they are all white people.  I do my best to protect them, but it needs to be mandated.  It has it written on the doors "masks required" and the idiots think they are immune.  Until they aren't.  If they only knew how much anxiety I get and cannot breathe just because I know the mask is on.  Just my own phobia.  Bri does not have any trouble and I cannot admit to having trouble, I pull it down in the parking area. And our scientists are supposed to be so advanced.  I believe they are too, this is just something no one even imagined. 

I'm not "wired" like all of  you are.  I already have what Scott calls a palsy, it is an essential tremor, but when the earth shakes in California they don't call it "just an earthquake."  He won't take the vaccine because he has heard some people have had a shaking palsy from it and it would mess his art up forever.  He was lucky he didn't inherit my family's essential tremor or his uncle and great grandfather's Parkinsonism.  

I've some more things bothering me, family things I actually cannot talk about.  Maybe later.  Just all y'all stay well.  

[widow'15]

3 hours ago, Marg M said:

Just all y'all stay well.  

Thank you Marg for wishing all of us well.  You stay safe yourself.  Somehow I want to believe we will all get through this horrendous way to live.  Unlike you, who carries her faith so well, I do believe God will help us get through this, somehow.  Hugs, Dee.

[Margm]

2 hours ago, widow'15 said:

who carries her faith so well

Dee, I needed that.  I'm afraid I don't carry mine so easy all the time.  When I wear my necklaces, I wear one with a mustard seed, and sometimes it is no bigger than that.  But, I do  know what they say about even that small a faith, I can still move mountains.  I wish I could.  

[kayc]

16 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I miss hugs.

What's that?  Point being, I feel starved for touch also.    If it wasn't for Kodie...

Marg, my sister scares me with the things she forgets.  She sold both their vehicles as she can't drive anymore and then forgot where she put the $, yes it was cash.  She forgets things she's just told me, like I made them up!  Maybe the doctors were right about her diagnosis of dementia, if so, I hope it's a long time before it gets too bad.

But for you and so many of us, I think our brains are so full of other important things, our health, the Covid situation we're in, politics, etc., there' not much room for the mundane things in life.  Try not to let it scare you, we're all going through this!

My son told me YEARS ago that my brain is cluttered and it takes longer to find things  in it, it needs a defrag (remember defragging computers?).  Sometimes I wish it had an off switch too, so I could sleep w/o problems.

[Gwenivere]

8 hours ago, kayc said:

I think our brains are so full of other important things, our health, the Covid situation we're in, politics, etc., there' not much room for the mundane things in life. 

And their not even mundane!  The issues you cited can become huge.  Our health being a given.  The news is jamming the others into our face anytime we watch.  It’s downright scary out there now.  Used to just feel lonely.  We have to do things like taxes that are such a pain.  I used to be so diligent and efficient.  Now I groan about when I  have all the info and will have to mail it.  I’m so messed up by this back thing.  If that would go away I could focus more on the mundane.  But all I keep seeing is huge surgery and rehab in a life I find so empty to return to.  It really changed everything.  

 

8 hours ago, kayc said:

Sometimes I wish it had an off switch too, so I could sleep w/o problems.

Same here.  I don’t need it to turn off thinking as my meds and fatigue take care of that.  I could use it for pain tho.  That starts the daily cycle of the surgery fear.  That trumps the anemia and thyroid mess.  I could at least do more distractions for a break like walking!  Just plain old walking.  Not be terrified that Mel maybe took one of my slippers outside after my experience of getting it from the rocky back yard.  Sitting now but dreading standing up.  Dealing with iron and thyroid med side effects which are so frustrating.  I hate dreading eating and being hyped up and told I’ll get used to it.  

The waking up, for me, is how bad will it be when/if I get up.  Will I be able to do another day of pain knowing it will continue the next.  

Oh, how are you doing since your fall?  That was a big one and you haven’t said.  

[widow'15]

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

 We have to do things like taxes that are such a pain.  I used to be so diligent and efficient.

Gwen:  Oh yes "taxes" are a real pain.  I used to just keep everything in a file throughout the year; receipts, property tax statements, etc., and just hand that file to Bob at this time of year.  He would pull it all together and go sit with a tax man with questions and answers.  He always knew how to talk taxes.  I have never been able to comprehend any of it no matter how much I sit and read and reread.  I spent yesterday trying to pull it together before I make an appointment to go sit with tax man wearing my dumb look on my face. 

9 hours ago, kayc said:

My son told me YEARS ago that my brain is cluttered and it takes longer to find things  in it, it needs a defrag (remember defragging computers?).  Sometimes I wish it had an off switch too, so I could sleep w/o problems.

Yes do remember "defragging".   Be sure to let me know when your son tells you where that "off" switch is, would love to be able to drop off to sleep before 3 am every morning.

On 1/29/2021 at 6:16 AM, kayc said:

My daughter is a night owl, always has been, her whole life, she struggles to sleep.  Melatonin seems to help her, unlike me, I have to take Trazodone but it's only good for 3-4 hours, if I don't get back to sleep and I'm desperate to catch up, I take a Benedryl.  That'll usually do it but I don't like to because if taken regularly, it can cause dementia (according to sister Polly that researches everything).  With my mom having had that, I do NOT want that so it's a last resort for me.

I tried Melatonin and it seemed to work until I noticed I was having some stomach/bathroom issues with it.  Googled it and sure enough some people have this issue with Melatonin.  Lucky me. 

Also stopped Benedryl after reading what your sister Polly said.   I would take a 1/2 Benedryl each night.   My Mother had dementia, too, and I hope and pray I don't follow in her footsteps.  I will try to just fall asleep as well as I can and maybe some day I will just wear myself down.  I am just thankful I have a nice place to sleep, even though it is alone.  I don't have a sweet Kodie or a Mel letting me know it's time to eat.   Dee