Finding Marg

[ipswitch]

I have a new sleep aid. It's called an Echo Dot.

Alexa has a nifty function: Radio Fun Time. Old radio shows like Suspense and The Whistler and Lux Radio Theater.

I find it interesting enough to keep my mind off the news, but not always so engrossing that It keeps me from falling asleep. I had to listen to the last episode this morning to find out what happened to Marlene Dietrich and Clark Gable's romance.

[Gwenivere]

4 hours ago, widow'15 said:

spent yesterday trying to pull it together before I make an appointment to go sit with tax man wearing my dumb look on my face. 

Fortunately, I just have to mail the stuff in.  I informed our accountant (and financial advisor) I have no head for it and they are being paid to do it.   Steve liked taking finances, I don’t.  The tax gal only calls if she thinks something is missing.  I have to guess that all statements are here as one fund I have dropped for low returns and being late on info, held things up too long.  I don’t do FTF with money people.

4 hours ago, widow'15 said:

would love to be able to drop off to sleep before 3 am every morning.

I didn’t know you were a late night person.  You still have me beat by almost 2 hours.  Takes me so long to settle in with pillows and avoiding pain.  I try and get going earlier and do, but some way or another it’s the same time every night.  I’m so rigid in my schedule too.  I had a lot of anxiety because I went and got gas which put my getting home later than usual.  I’m not used to being free and go with the flow as there really isn't any now.   

4 hours ago, widow'15 said:

I don't have a sweet Kodie or a Mel letting me know it's time to eat.   

I’m so sorry, Dee.  I know how much Maddie meant and think of you so often losing that connection.  I only get annoyed about getting up because it hurts.  I do love Mel being so excited about it.  The only being that cares if I do.  You matter to your son, but I get that 24/7 thing.  It’s mattering to someone that makes this worth doing.  I don’t know how pure loners do it.  I wish you had a furry someone to nuzzle you.  Even their presence means 'life'.  Before we were settled where we could finally have a dog we had a cockatiel.  Loved that bird.  It had free reign of an apartment we were in.  Something alive!   Plants don’t count.  

A woman from the community center said she misses her brother but knows his wife has a much different pain.  They are both valid, of course.  But she realized it as much as she could as she’s a dog mom and alone.  Those 'kids' keep her going.  

[Margm]

14 hours ago, kayc said:

My son told me YEARS ago that my brain is cluttered and it takes longer to find things  in it, it needs a defrag (remember defragging computers?).  Sometimes I wish it had an off switch too, so I could sleep w/o problems.

Now that is funny and the truth.  

[widow'15]

7 hours ago, ipswitch said:

I have a new sleep aid. It's called an Echo Dot.

Not sure what this is, but sounds like you have to own an Alexa thing.  This old lady can barely grasp a smart phone so doubt I'd be able to set up an Alexa.  Good it works to get you to sleep.  My two adult kids both need to have fans blowing on them or they can't sleep. LOL.  Dee

[widow'15]

2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I didn’t know you were a late night person.  You still have me beat by almost 2 hours.  Takes me so long to settle in with pillows and avoiding pain.  I try and get going earlier and do, but some way or another it’s the same time every night.  I’m so rigid in my schedule too.

Gwen:  I used to go to bed around 11pm but since Bob passed I have been going to sleep later and later, no matter what time I get into bed.   I know what you mean when you say it takes so long to settle in with pillows.  My pain is not anywhere as chronic as yours, but I find the only way I can fall asleep is on my back with pillow under left hip. 

 

2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 I don’t do FTF with money people.

I'm confident when I call for an appointment there will be instructions on being well spaced, masked, etc.  Goodness, if I had to search for another tax person at this point and time, it would put me over the cliff.  There is no way I could do my own taxes.  Aaarg.  😫  Dee 

[Gwenivere]

1 hour ago, widow'15 said:

the only way I can fall asleep is on my back with pillow under left hip. 

Wow, you can lay in your back?  That sounds like a true luxury to me!  I know you have substantial pain. Wish you didn't.  I need 2 pillows no matter what side I sleep on and it's quite a ritual getting whichever hip as pain free as possible.  I remember when I could lay on my stomach.  Heck, I could get on the floor period!  Those were the days, eh?  

1 hour ago, widow'15 said:

Goodness, if I had to search for another tax person at this point and time, it would put me over the cliff. 

Are you using a company?  no way do I want to find someone else.  This gal has treated us well and found things others missed.  I see it akin to finding a new doctor.  Not an endeavor we want to take on.  

I hear you on the Alexis thing.  I think I’d like it for all the groaning I do getting up and down.  Would be nice to just say to turn this or that on or off.  Haven’t a clue how one would install it.  I have enough trouble changing presets on my clock radio.  🙂

[kayc]

14 hours ago, widow'15 said:

Also stopped Benedryl after reading what your sister Polly said.   I would take a 1/2 Benedryl each night.   My Mother had dementia, too, and I hope and pray I don't follow in her footsteps.  I will try to just fall asleep as well as I can and maybe some day I will just wear myself down. 

1/2 isn't bad, some people like my mom took several a day.  I think you have to weigh the benefits vs the possibilities, after all we may not live long enough to get the dementia and there are so many other things affecting it.  I wake up after a few hours and that's when I take it if I sense I won't be able to fall asleep.  Dreams play in, anxiety, worries, not being able to shut my brain off.  Those are the times I'll take it, maybe a couple times a month.  I try not to worry about the dementia, I've always used my brain, for what it's worth, and my mom had mental illness so it was hard to see when her dementia started, as she was never quite right.

I'm sorry you went through this with your mom too.    Mostly I would not want to put my kids through it.

Kodie doesn't let me know when it's time for ME to eat, just that HE wants some! 

[kayc]

Gwen, I'm getting so used to pain/injuries I just keep plugging along with my restrictions and trying to heal, nothing new, it's been quite a year (from beginning of pandemic, early March when my hands became incapacitated from pain/weakness).  Lumps on my head will take what they take to heal.  I thought I was coming down with Strep but think now it's Thrush, will call the doctor to make an appointment, hopefully can get in today!

Dreading tax preparation time, I think our getting everything together for them is more work than they go to just entering data into their programs!  Will start when the mood strikes me, otherwise I'll have to force myself.  I need a break from tax stuff, having spent a whole month on year end stuff for the church.  Maybe that stress is what brought on the Thrush, it can happen from stress, Lord knows I have enough of that.

 

10 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I didn’t know you were a late night person.  You still have me beat by almost 2 hours.

My sister has been going to sleep about 5 am and sleeping until about 8:30 if she's lucky.  Wish she'd see her doctor, but nope.  She always puts things off and buries her head in the sand.  Works for some things but not for everything.  I admire her ability to not worry about things but some things she puts off scares me!  She's 76, never had a colonoscopy even though they've found polyps in Polly and I.  And she's never had a skin cancer check even though Julie, Polly, and I have had melanomas removed.  Our parents both had skin cancer, I wish she'd go to the doctor, but she's stubborn.  I've tried to point out to her that it is NOT the way to go!

5 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Wow, you can lay in your back?  That sounds like a true luxury to me!

I can't sleep in a bed, breathe better in my recliner and it's more supportive.  Maybe I just don't have the right bed.  I started this because sleeping in our bed was a huge reminder of the empty spot next to me.  I'm never comfortable on my son's couch, don't like to spend more than one night there as I don't sleep.  

I don't have Alexis or other new fangled things, there, my oldness coming out!  I barely use a cellphone!  Text and talk, that's about it and not great at that! 

 

[Gwenivere]

7 hours ago, kayc said:

I've tried to point out to her that it is NOT the way to go!

You know this will never work, right?  The more we bug people, the more stubborn they become.  I could force Steve to do things, but the dynamic was different.   Does she have a severe med phobia?  I know I’ve sure developed one.  Some people just aren’t wired to seek help.  Fear can be overpowering.  I only say this having an anxiety disorder and fear is the core of it.  It’s a formidable foe to battle, even when we know we should help ourselves despite it.  It can become paralyzing.  Just throwing out some thoughts.  You certainly know her best.

7 hours ago, kayc said:

Text and talk, that's about it and not great at that! 

Texting beats me!  Seems the most popular way people communicate now.  Was waiting at the church yesterday on someone and another I was with said, I’ll just text her.  People respond to that.  I can leave voice messages and rarely get calls back.  I don’t know enough people I’d be in contact with much to make it worth getting a smart phone.  I’d love to have google out there tho.  That would be handy.

[Margm]

16 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Wow, you can lay in your back?

Never on my belly, can lay either side, but I have at least four fluffy pillows and can lay on my back.  Brianna says why so many pillows.  I said my boobs fall upward and suffocate me.  She got a kick out of that, didn't believe me.  Always has been that way.  My friend said hers falls under each arm.  Now, that would bother me.  I like my four pillows.  

[widow'15]

3 hours ago, Marg M said:

I said my boobs fall upward and suffocate me.  She got a kick out of that, didn't believe me. 

Marg:  You always make me giggle with your life descriptions.  Love You for that.  Dee

[widow'15]

19 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Wow, you can lay in your back?  That sounds like a true luxury to me!

I try to sleep on my side sometimes, which used to be my favorite position or sleeping on my stomach was another, but now the body aches tell me to move to my back and eventually with pillow under my hip I fall asleep and don't change positions except for potty breaks.  

 

19 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Are you using a company?  no way do I want to find someone else.  This gal has treated us well and found things others missed.  I see it akin to finding a new doctor.  Not an endeavor we want to take on.  

The tax man I use is a CPA that Bob always used to do our taxes.  He is in a one man office plus a secretary of course, and is close by enough I can drive to his office with no problem.   Next year may be a problem because I will be living an hour away.  But, I won't think about that just now.  Next year will take care of next year.  😁  Dee

[kayc]

15 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

23 hours ago, kayc said:

I've tried to point out to her that it is NOT the way to go!

You know this will never work, right?

I'm not a nagger.  I've brought it up to her twice, after getting diagnosed with Melanoma.  It's deadly and it kills.  Skin cancer spreads to the organs.  I know she would not like having it get out of control.  We had one discussion about the colonoscopies, when I had mine (I've had two).  Burying her head in the sand is always her way.   It scares me what can happen to her, and all preventable.  I've offered to take her!

[Gwenivere]

I never meant nagging, I just know how it goes when someone hears things more than once.  They get more dug in, it seems.  Ultimately they are the boss of their lives and we have to accept that.  Much as it can pain us.  I only had bigger influence with Steve because of our dynamic and life partnership.  My cousin suggests things repeatedly or tells me fixes for my obstacles and I have to keep in mind she doesn’t live my life to know the intricacies. I’ll offer advice to people once and leave it at that.  Even then, I hesitate if I haven’t been asked and ask if they want it.  

I know it’s hard when it’s someone you love.  You’ve tried your best.  Hopefully none of your fears for her will happen.

[kayc]

I hope not but it's rampant in our family.  Skin cancer treatment is what brought on my dad's final heart attack, all too early.    Peggy digs her heels in before anyone says anything, but I know you're right, if people don't want to do something, they're not likely to listen. 

[Margm]

Dee, did you ever get moved into your new home?  I need to go back and read a lot I've missed, but I just don't like to go back on anything..  I kept the diary for awhile and it broke my heart each time I "went back."  

We have talked about being able to lay in different positions on the bed and I did have to "go back" in my thinking.  I don't like doctors. (of  course I like your dad Marty, and my old GP, Dr. Gray).  Gosh only knows typing every dialect imaginable for 43 years might have something to do with it, but mainly two docs telling me there was nothing else  that could be done for me, that makes me only care to go twice a year and get four med refills and leave the rest alone.  Just hope and pray I don't fall and break something.  So far being so close to the ground, having a fluffy behind, they have done okay.  I do have to grab walls ever so often and as long as I am pushing shopping cart, I am okay.  Got to thinking though, for years now, longer than the colon rupture, I have had to  reposition myself in bed from just pain all over my body.  I woulld pick up manually, my hips, and that was a job in itself.  It has happened once since being in this apartment (It was one year in November).  My transcription mind said "it is like a poisoning in my synovial fluid."  Do I know for sure what synovial fluid is?  I used to, and could google it, but I won't.  Doc would only give meds.  I don't need foreign med on my makeshift insides.  (I've had to go back four times to remove double or triple letters in my shaky typing).  If I miss any, just consider it is me. 

[Gwenivere]

YSynovial fluid is what lubricates our joints.  I don’t know if there are meds for it, just for the pain.  Like you, I have to take a long time finding positions I can have the least pain.  Hips are the worst as I have to sleep on my sides.  Even with that, hours later I will get woken up from moving even the slightest in my sleep or not moving at all.  There’s no winning with joints if they are inflamed.  I also can’t do anything about the bone on bone in my back.  I can’t do stores without a cart too.  Have to have something to lean on.  I’ve wheeled carts to my car with only a couple things in it.  I checked out where I have to go Thursday and it’s not too far a walk, but it was not easy.  It’s the spinal docs office where they want to see how bad it is.  Just afraid they will try and rush surgery and I’m not for that without vaccine nor the procedure itself and all that will involve.  I’ve posted about it a lot and cried my way thru counseling today.  Tried getting some replacement lightbulbs too today and regular ones getting harder to find.  The replacement energy saving ones are very expensive.  Passed the pizza place I always got the take and bake ones that burned down.  With all the things wrong in the world it just made me sadder.  I’m so sensitive to losing more of what was in life.  Even a small thing like that.  It used to mean a fun night for all of us and I’d get them now and then since Steve left.  I’m just so tired if adapting to loss change.

[widow'15]

4 hours ago, Marg M said:

Dee, did you ever get moved into your new home?

Marg:  No I haven't moved just yet.  I have been sorting, purging and packing 50+ years of "stuff" since a year ago.  If everything goes as planned this weekend my son will bring over a Uhaul truck and take the first load of smaller pieces of furniture.  I  made him promise that he will have to do it my way so I can get myself organized gradually in my little "Gramma House".   Thanks to the pandemic, a 6 month plan lasted a year.  Weather and permitting problems have only added more problems.  But, am gradually seeing some light at the end of my long dark tunnel and I think I am still sane most days.  Thanks for asking.  I still think about your plastic tubs surrounding your bed and visualize that could be my reality before this move is over. Hugs, Dee

[Margm]

My boxes sorta hug me into a portion of the room and I feel like I'm in the RV again.  Brianna hates them, says I'm a hoarder.  She says all that they have are papers.  Yet, when I open them it is like I just remember Billy being gone.  Cannot explain it..  I do know it is not real but my heart doesn't.  

 

[Gwenivere]

Unless we get really out there as unbalanced true hoarders or whatever, I’ve come to see see people just don’t get what might appear to be useless 'things' can mean so much to us.  I still have the last bottle of wine Steve opened in the fridge.  I’m sure it’s long gone bad, but it doesn’t take up much room and it’s a little piece of him I see next to mine.  It would gapingly obvious if it were gone.  I haven’t touched much on the shelves in his office.  I don’t need them and I can look at them occasionally and remember his using the stuff.  The bottle of his mom’s fav scotch is still there he toasted her with on her birthday every year, one drink.  An ashtray full of guitar picks.  His guitar tuner.  So many things.  I still use the filing rack for financial updates, they just don’t have his name on them anymore.  Haven’t really changed his half bath.  I only go in there to use the scale.  I do hate his bedside table being so stark now.  But the Cpap was big and awkward and he hated it so I didn’t feel bad about ditching it.  

Long way to say we don’t need to explain to anyone what we keep or don't and why.  I look at the garage and know I could get rid of so much stuff and it wouldn’t bother me.  But the work to do it would.  Not having kids like most I you have, I don’t have to worry about it being a chore.  The estate guy will just have it hauled off or donated.  

Id hate to make furniture decisions, Dee.  And if those tubs comfort you, Marg, then they have value.  💖  

[kayc]

Honestly, it'll be a lot easier for my kids to throw everything out in this place than it would for me, they don't have the haunting memories/attachment I do, they're younger and more physically able, and my son has lots of friends to help him.  I have no such network, everyone I know is old, like me.

Dee, hoping all goes well with your move!

[widow'15]

17 hours ago, Marg M said:

Yet, when I open them it is like I just remember Billy being gone.  Cannot explain it..  I do know it is not real but my heart doesn't. 

Marg, you don't have to explain to anyone, especially me, why you keep your memories of Billy near you.  I totally understand the comfort those last things our love touched or wore is comforting and reminders of marvelous happy times and too, even some sad reminders.  Bob had a habit of laying his cap, a baseball cap, with his sunglasses nested on top, on the counter between the kitchen and living area.  I would often remind him that wasn't the best place to leave his hat.  He'd just ignore me of course.  The awful night in 2015, almost 6 years ago, when I took him back to the hospital due to an infection after his bladder surgery had reared it's ugly head, the hat and glasses are still there where he last took them off, only moved when I dust or clean the counter, then replaced where he left them.  When I take my last walk out the front door of this house I will find a place in my new home with all the other reminders of him.

 

16 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Id hate to make furniture decisions, Dee.

 My two kids have already taken some of the larger pieces for their use, and the garage and wood shop items. The pieces we will move this weekend are smaller pieces and only those I can make use of.  I will struggle with maybe not being able to take some wall units that belonged to my Mother.  I might not have enough floor space for them plus doubt I will use what is stored in them.  My entertaining days are in my past.  

 

9 hours ago, kayc said:

Dee, hoping all goes well with your move!

 Thanks kayc, moving is not an easy task and understand how each one of us has a different road to walk.  I wish I could stay put until my days are over, but don't see how it is possible for me and my circumstances.  I do appreciate everyone's best wishes. 

Thanks all.  Dee 

[Gwenivere]

On 2/3/2021 at 8:16 AM, kayc said:

Honestly, it'll be a lot easier for my kids to throw everything out in this place than it would for me, they don't have the haunting memories/attachment I do,

Yup.  The only things I am bequeathing are my jewelry and my artwork.  Our estate guy can do as he wants with the rest.  Lots of stuff that would make a hefty monetary estate sale, but that’s a lot of work and doubt he’d want to nor need the money.  I won’t know anyway.  I’ll be in that unknown place when this body gives up. If I have pets, they will be provided for, that’s an absolute must too.

[Gwenivere]

On 2/3/2021 at 6:15 PM, widow'15 said:

the hat and glasses are still there where he last took them off, only moved when I dust or clean the counter, then replaced where he left them.  When I take my last walk out the front door of this house I will find a place in my new home with all the other reminders of him.

Steve’s phone and keys are where he left them.  Phone still plugged n even tho service is stopped.  I always know where his keys are for the 3 times I take the van out each year.  I like using his keys as I don’t carry one to his van and they just go together.  Another one of those things we do to keep little parts of them with us.  He'll never call me because he’s locked out sadly.  

Glad you are keeping the hat and glasses.  You gong to find an annoying place to put them in your new home?    Sounds like tradition.  I don’t know how many things I’ve moved in the garage saying to Steve 'I’ve asked you move this a hundred times!'.  

 

[widow'15]

2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 You gong to find an annoying place to put them in your new home?    Sounds like tradition.

Oh funny Gwen.  Bob would laugh at your remark.  Another quirky, annoying silly thing he'd do that I miss.  I always accused him of waiting until I had put all dirty dishes away and then out of somewhere he'd bring me more dishes to wash that he had probably "forgotten" alongside his fish frying **, or barbecuing outside cooking area.  Accusingly I would say, "you waited until I finished, didn't you ?"   He'd just smile at me.  **(I was strict about keeping that fried seafood "aroma" out of the house).  So much missing in our lives anymore.  The smiles, the teasing, the laughs of what used to be a whole happy couple is now only memories.  Hugs, Dee