I don't know how "to be" without him...?

[KnVsMoM]

Hello All,

 I'm new here and I'm glad for this site, but sorry any of us are here.

I lost my spouse of almost 20 years on the 26th of September. He was my best friend, but more than that he was my support system.
I've been through the loss of another loved one many years ago. My daughter's Dad was killed on the job when they were just babies, and although it was very hard on me & I grieved for a very long time, I had two children relying on me to care for them, so that took up a good part of my life. They were my blessings that helped keep my sanity. If you notice my user name, that's who I've been most of my life, K and V's Mom. Thankfully my daughter's are alive & well, but they are now grown, both work, they have their own lives & we don't relate to each other on certain topics.

Back to life with Shawn. I was coming off a VERY bad divorce and met Shawn almost a year later in 2001. I was severely depressed and couldn't eat. I lost 75 lbs in 3 months which caused my gallbladder to get diseased. One night I was in such pain and doubled over that Shawn forced me to go to the ER where they did emergency surgery because my gallbladder was about to burst. We weren't even living together at the time, and although he couldn't afford it really, he called into work and stayed by my side in the hospital the 4 days it took me to recover. That's the kind of guy he was. Not perfect, either of us, & we had our ups & downs, but we always had each other's backs. We were both truck drivers, but that's another story.

I'm not a wimp and I'm not dumb, but I had him in my life for such a long time, I have no idea how to be me without him? I miss him so much, but I'm just numb & empty. I take care of the bare minimum to get by, but I'm just going through the motions now. I don't have that support. I can't pick up the phone anytime of the day or night & know he's going to be on the other end. I miss our talks, our sometimes heated discussions. We made each other think & explore.

I'm sorry if I'm rambling and this makes no sense. I guess I'm just saying, I lost a big part of me when he passed away unexpectedly and I don't know if I will ever be whole again?

[Kieron]

Welcome.  You're neither a wimp nor dumb, and everything you say makes perfect sense.  That's because those of us in this particular forum "get it."

After 20 years, he became so embedded in your existence that you've known nothing else BUT his presence, support and "there-ness."  And now that all this has been torn away from you, less than a month ago, you're feeling that emptiness which is a raw, gaping wound.  I'm sorry to say that it will feel that way for awhile.

[Margm]

My dear "K":  I joined after my husband had been gone three days.  The thing I wanted to do (follow him) would have done more damage to people I loved, so I toughed it out.  I'm not patting myself on the back.  I was Jello nailed to a tree.  I screamed (when I was alone) into pillows.  I'm no spring chicken.  I only tried that twice.  It hurt my head strangely very much.  I cried until out of breath, and that sensation was something that was comforting, not scary at all, just drifting off without breath.  But I couldn't do that, no more than the plan of following him directly afterward.  I felt like an animal that wants to go off, way off and just die in peace with no one finding me.  

Day after tomorrow, the 17th, will be five years.  We all take grief different.  My son does like I do.  Builds a semi-wall that no one touches..  My daughter (these are middle aged "kids" wants everything close to her of her dad's, his clothes, his...........anything that he owned.  We are not rich people.  I slept in that house without him for a few nights.  That was 2,000 sq feet of the loudest quiet I had ever been in.  We had planned on moving and did not have a sign up.  I gave the house away.  You cannot imagine the beauty of the hills and valleys in the little cove of homes fixed so we did not even have to see each other's home.  The national forest behind us.  beautiul flowers, trees, wildlife all around.  We both had combined retirement.  Your not supposed to do this, but I moved.  Five years later I have probably 15 of the big plastic storage buckets with tops that every time I open one, Billy is right there.  So, I don't open them.  I live back in the surroundings we lived before we retired.  We were born here, kids born here, school completed by all here.  All my relatives are here, and his too.  They all have stones with their names on them, but it is as close to "home" as I can get without him.  He would never live in an apartment.  I do.  My friends would not leave their homes at all.  I don't have to worry about fixing anything. (But me) and helping my family.

What works for one person will not work for another.  I described living in paradise.  The deputy sheriff lived at the end of our street.  No crime.  Do I miss it?  Not one little tiny bit.  I miss Billy.  

Welcome (that is a terrible word) but you are among friends.  You are among people who have been through this longer than even I have.  We still hurt.  Rose Kennedy said the wound never healed, we develop scar tissue.  I might agree with that.  Don't try to be strong.  We all walk a different path.  If I feel like crying in Walmart, I do.  I think the main thing is, it is your path, you have well meaning friends and relatives.  You do not have to answer to any of them or even answer them period.  It is ill mannered to turn around and walk off, but you know what?  Sometimes it is exhilarating. 

I am sincerely sorry for your loss, and as old as I am, I have said that way too often lately.

[Gwenivere]

Welcome also.  You have been thru so much and your loss so new, everything you are and will feel is horribly normal.   If you keep sharing you’ll see there isn’t anything someone here, if not all of us, have or still do feel.  I’m almost 6 years in and still miss knowing he is but an earshot away.  Feeling numb is the shock.  Even if we are prepared, we are not for the reality.  

Welcome is a strange word.  I wish you weren’t here, wish none of us were.  But Marty created a safe place that has been a life saver for us all.  We’ve been cut in half.  Here we share our journeys as outsiders don’t get it.  Your path will be your own, but we all walk ours together.  💖

[kayc]

I am so sorry you lost your life partner, it's the single hardest thing I've been through in my life.  It's been 15 years for me and now I'm growing old alone, I never expected this.  We will be here for you if you want us to.  It does help to express yourself to those who get it.

Grief is a journey that has a lot of questions but no answers that I've discovered, I finally quit asking why.  It never did any good anyway.  I had a pastor who went through this and said he quit asking why and started asking what now.  What now indeed?  That's the big question that has been so hard for us to make our way through, also no simple answers, can take years to figure out bit by bit.  One day at a time.  That's my creed that I live by.  In the beginning even the whole day seems too much and we break it down to an hour or even just a minute.  Breathe.  I wrote this article of the things I've found helpful over the years...it's not a one size fits all, but just tossing out things I've picked up from experience or people I've heard over the years that have gone through grief, I hope something helps you now or later on.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Kieron]

Beautifully said, as usual, Marg.

[Ann87]

I saw this post today and had to comment because it mirrors how I feel. I lost my husband on October 6th unexpectedly and I am so lost without him. We have two kids, 9 and 12, and I'm living and trying to cope for them. He was my soulmate and I'm incomplete without him.  All of our plans, things he was going to continue to teach the kids, just holding hands, it's all gone and I'm so empty except for the pain and tears. I don't know how "to be" either.

[Gwenivere]

I’m so sorry for your loss.  You are in the right place to express any and everything you feel as you start this horrible journey.  You have to help your children too which makes it harder for their ages.  Your family has been so changed and I hope coming here will help in some small way as we all know exactly what you are feeling.  That can be a lifesaver when surrounded by people that support you,but can’t truly relate to the reality of it unless it’s happenEd to them.  

As everyone here, I wish you weren’t because of why you are.  Wish none of us are here.  But since we are, we can help each other thru this.  I can’t say welcome, I can say you are heard and will be understood and validated here.  Any thing you feel and share.  

[kayc]

I didn't know how to be without George either, it took me years to figure it out, get used to being alone.  I hope you'll vent, lament, cry, scream, it's okay...it's healthy.

[Ann87]

But how do you go on? I'm trying to be strong for my kids, but I always have tears in my eyes and cry throughout the day. It took us a while to find one another and we had 13 wonderful years together and now I feel hopeless and empty. My friends and neighbors are trying to help with meals and calls, but I still feel alone, so alone. The pain is very real, but the fact that's he's gone still seems unreal, I just can't wrap my head around the fact that's he's gone.

[nashreed]

I feel your grief and sadness, Ann.  I wish now that I had friends and neighbors to help keep me distracted (luckily I have this Forum).  

You have your children and that's wonderful. They need you and although you might feel alone, they feel just as alone. You need each other.  

I feel hopeless, and because I was my wifes caregiver for so long, I now feel like nothing I do even matters. But your children are your purpose. I've been able to hang on and get through each day for five and a half months. It feels like its been five years. I always try to remember "It's better to have loved and lost", and it is true. Some days I can't think of her at all because it makes me upset, but there's wonderful times when I can think of her and smile and remember what her response to something might be and it makes me happy. I was so blessed and lucky to have had the time with her I did. Cherish your time with him. Some people never have love like that. Just the fact that you've made it so far means that you will go on. You will be ok. You're not alone if there are people who care about you. I have to remember that even though everything my family does annoys me, they do love me. It's not the same kind of love, and that leaves a hole in my soul that there's no filling- but it gets me through. 

My love for my wife is forever. I know I will be with her again. I'm 50. When you think of it like that, the time we are apart really isn't that long (although it feels like it). This is just a temporary parting. I try to think of it as that she's just somewhere I can't visit, like if she was in the hospital. I still talk to her and I know she still loves me. 

[Gwenivere]

4 hours ago, Ann87 said:

The pain is very real, but the fact that's he's gone still seems unreal, I just can't wrap my head around the fact that's he's gone.

It’s the biggest Catch 22 there is.  Almost 6 years later I feel the same, but more clear he is gone.  The pain has not lessened, just managed better at times because the world is done with my mourning.  They don’t want to hear it.  

I still walk into rooms now and then expecting him to be there.  I’ve never gotten used to his not being there when I wake up.  I know it’s reality, but the worst way to start each day.

[Kieron]

Yep, the feeling of unreality is so strong, it's almost a physical sensation.  I used to feel like I was waiting for him to come back from somewhere.  Early on, the cat wandered around, especially when I came home from work, as if she was expecting him to come in, too.  😿

[Gwenivere]

Animals have the 'pack' instinct.  Every time there has been a loss in our home it takes the others time to accept the void is now the new way it is.  They adapt faster than I do.  There’s the gift of living in the now.  Routines may change but they accept them more readily.  My dog was restless for her sister who passed.  She’s OK now, tho if she came back she’d be thrilled.  I still cry some nights without her next to me as I did/do Steve.

[kayc]

22 hours ago, Ann87 said:

But how do you go on? I'm trying to be strong for my kids, but I always have tears in my eyes and cry throughout the day. It took us a while to find one another and we had 13 wonderful years together and now I feel hopeless and empty. My friends and neighbors are trying to help with meals and calls, but I still feel alone, so alone. The pain is very real, but the fact that's he's gone still seems unreal, I just can't wrap my head around the fact that's he's gone.

You ARE "going on," this is a PROCESS and you are in the early time of that process, it can take us years to fully process our grief, but it's never gone from us, we continue to miss and love them the rest of our lives.  I listed many things that can help us in this time in my article, it's not a one size fits all, they are things to consider and see what is of help to you.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Ann87]

Thank you everyone. It helps to vent here, and cry. This is all so painful and scary.

[Gwenivere]

Ann, I don’t think there is anyone here without fear.  Pain is a given.  I think the fear is what surprised me most when I saw the reality of his loss and started trying to carry on without him.  I started seeing how vulnerable I was without the protection of our being there as a team is.  No, he wouldn’t be able to fix my back or whatever, but he could be there for any problem to at least talk to about, listen to me vent or hold me.  Just as I did for him facing his mortality for years.  I saw him cry, scream, get drunk, throw things across the room, ask me if he was being strong enough......the list goes on and on.  They were in fear for their lives and facing losing us to a huge unknown.  We live with their loss, now new unknowns on this plane and, for some of us, the same unknown about the end.  Steve knew I would be there with him.  We don’t get that.  I can’t even talk over options with him for anything facing me now.  It’s horrible and beyond fear.  It’s bone chilling frightening.  I know I won’t see him again before I die.  It’s so terribly lonely to know that.  Something he would have come to understand.  Because he would be here.  Men are stronger?  That’s a myth.  Many often just don’t voice it.  

[Kieron]

I agree with you, Gwen, I was astonished by how much fear there was, in the days and weeks and months after.

[scba]

29 minutes ago, Kieron said:

I agree with you, Gwen, I was astonished by how much fear there was, in the days and weeks and months after.

I feel it too. I was astonished how afraid and vulnerable I felt then.

I confess I'm afraid of what is going on, caused by this virus. I'm finding myself crying often and feeling afraid for the present and the future. This fear feels different.  Where's hope? 

[Margm]

41 minutes ago, scba said:

I confess I'm afraid of what is going on, caused by this virus. I'm finding myself crying often and feeling afraid for the present and the future. This fear feels different.  Where's hope? 

I have lived 78 years and have lived through my parents death, didn't want to live through Billy's, and this pandemic is something I've never faced and feel if I am alive still, I wonder why is all this happening now.  I know I would be doubly worried for Billy, but this week was slippery with having to tell my sister (who would not let me take her to ER), having to tell her to call 911 as they could get oxygen to her.  Not being able to call her.  Talking got her out of breath.  If I could not talk to her, was I going to find her body.  She stopped the UTI antibiotic and can breathe.  She has to talk to her doc. Then Nawlen's, Kelli's fur-baby that acts human, emergently was taken to vet and Scott paid for whatever was needed to save her life.  It was a stomach infection probably caused from her picking up pecans that had been in, what the vet called "flying rats" mouths.  She came so close to losing her fur baby over 10 years old, a tiny, tiny poodle.  She is so smart and Kelli was crying.  Because of COVID Kelli could not stay with her baby and I cannot go with my sister.  

I remember Mama being so scared of polio for me, people thinking it came from being in the sun too much (my people), but this time in my life I don't understand.  My son has to work where there are COVID patients and he is scared he will bring a virus to his mom and I'm afraid even with precautions that he will have it again.  So, I guess we are all living in fear.  And I don't understand politics, even less than I understand religion. I will vote. I tried reading up on all the labels and what they mean and thought I might be a socialist because I want everybody to have health care and medicine without all this crap we are going through.  I want no children to go hungry.  I want people to have a safe place to live and not be scared of their surroundings.  I want everyone to be warm when it is cold outside, to have a breeze when the weather is too hot.  I just want people to be able to live without fear and all the kids on the border to have their parents.  That is not going to happen.  

The hurricane is going to flood part of Louisiana, we have rain, but we are safe.  

[kayc]

14 hours ago, scba said:

Where's hope?

I don't think it's in the here and now, politicians, mankind, but I have to believe there is in the beyond, it's hard to live without hope.  I just made my sister a refrigerator magnet with hope on it.

[Ann87]

I have to believe that if there's life there's hope. If there's no hope, what's the point? I'd just end it now and be with Jon. My kids are my hope now, I have to hope for their future.

But this is all SO much harder with COVID. No in person funeral or memorial, my husband's family all live across the country from me and it's not safe for them to travel. No hugs. No celebration of Jon's life, which is what he wanted, a big party. It makes the grief so much harder, as if it wasn't bad enough already.

[Gwenivere]

On 10/29/2020 at 8:44 AM, kayc said:

I don't think it's in the here and now, politicians, mankind, but I have to believe there is in the beyond, it's hard to live without hope.  I just made my sister a refrigerator magnet with hope on it.

I’m still carrying the HOPE medallion Steve gave me.  It hasn’t helped.  I’d love to star Ann’s post above, but I don’t feel it at all.  I agree we have to have it to feel some sense of purpose.  I haven’t figured out how with no family.  Spouse, kids, siblings or friends you can be with.  Even with covid, we need contact.

Ann, I am so sorry you have to deal with your loss without your and Jon's family.  People need that closeness.  This makes you and your kids more isolated in your grief which is so very sad.  

[kayc]

Ann, I'm so sorry!  It was hard enough going through it WITH a funeral, hugs, etc.  This seems to be the worst year ever.  I hope when/if this abates, you can do a remembrance of him in his honor, I think that's so important.

https://healthmatters.nyp.org/how-to-cope-with-grief-amid-covid-19/

[Margm]

We waited until a year later.  His old fishing hole, his old home bayou, family and friends released balloons and Kelli jumped off the RR trestle that went across the water.  I guess if we had had liquor it would have been a Bayou Billy memorial, but he would not drink, and no one else did either.  My mom's was quiet also, but she outlived all her close relatives at 95 and my uncle, her brother-in-law made it a graveside services with what family we have left.  I just want to go quietly, but there are still some people that feel the need for services which I guess are meant to help those left behind.  My dad had a big Masonic funeral and the family sat separate behind a side in front of all the people.  I had cancer at the time and was weak from treatments and Billy and Scott were on each side of me.  I just remember seeing people trying to see "the family."  It was then I decided I wanted to leave quieter than I came.  I hate the lengthy planned services.  Billy was a private person so the memorial get together was for Kelli, the rest of us understood going quietly.  It is up to the different people, I guess.  My uncle wants the funeral, his wife wants the quiet, cremation.  Mama wanted the quiet.  My little cousin had alcoholic poisoning, was not a bar drinker but got the addiction and could not stop.  At her funeral, big, the pastor, a family friend, long-time pastor mentioned her falling by the wayside.  Only my love for my aunts made me keep from walking out of the services.  Her young children were at the services.  My mind was made up then.