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I don't know how "to be" without him...?


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1 hour ago, Marg M said:

We waited until a year later.  His old fishing hole, his old home bayou, family and friends released balloons and Kelli jumped off the RR trestle that went across the water.  I guess if we had had liquor it would have been a Bayou Billy memorial, but he would not drink, and no one else did either.  My mom's was quiet also, but she outlived all her close relatives at 95 and my uncle, her brother-in-law made it a graveside services with what family we have left.  I just want to go quietly, but there are still some people that feel the need for services which I guess are meant to help those left behind.  My dad had a big Masonic funeral and the family sat separate behind a side in front of all the people.  I had cancer at the time and was weak from treatments and Billy and Scott were on each side of me.  I just remember seeing people trying to see "the family."  It was then I decided I wanted to leave quieter than I came.  I hate the lengthy planned services.  Billy was a private person so the memorial get together was for Kelli, the rest of us understood going quietly.  It is up to the different people, I guess.  My uncle wants the funeral, his wife wants the quiet, cremation.  Mama wanted the quiet.  My little cousin had alcoholic poisoning, was not a bar drinker but got the addiction and could not stop.  At her funeral, big, the pastor, a family friend, long-time pastor mentioned her falling by the wayside.  Only my love for my aunts made me keep from walking out of the services.  Her young children were at the services.  My mind was made up then.  

I didn't know what my bf wanted. He never mentioned it. what his family prepared for his funeral/celebration was appropriate. People told me it was a "beautiful" ceremony. I remember nothing of it. I cried all the time it lasted. I remember feeling a pain like nothing else. I remember touching his ashes with my hands when they were spread. I remember feeling like I have had arrived to hell and that being my funeral. 

Years later my last grandma passed. Half of the family was at war with the other, they didn't attend her funeral. We all behaved like strangers, no words, no chatting. It was the cruelest thing I have ever witnessed. My grandma would have been so upset and disappointed. When her coffin was being laid down I silently asked her to forgive us for failing her. I hope she was already in Heaven with her husband and her son, unaware of what she left behind. Sometimes we want them to be with us. At that moment, I didn't. 

 

 

 

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Oh Ana, I'm so sorry you had to go through all that.  And, it only makes my mind more resolute that I will definitely have no memorial service or anything.  I know my grandmother's request was that she wanted no silk flowers ever.  It is a huge country cemetery and I think I will go plant some of those bulbs of the "suddenly flowers" and I don't know what they are called, I know spider lilies for fall or summer and around Easter there are some pink ones that bloom overnight.  No one but the Angels will see them because everyone has died or live too far away...........but, I don't.  I'm going to do that.  I look forward to it.  It is not on a grassy hill or anything, in fact, it is called Salem Cemetery and it is located in a loosely thrown around community called "Red Land" because, I think of all the red iron rocks that make up the land in what they call foothills of the Ozarks, but the Ozarks are a long way from our bayous in this part of Louisiana. I can't grow anything, but maybe if the Angels help me.  

 

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Ana, I'm so sorry, they should be ashamed, you are right, she would not have wanted that.  People should lay aside their differences at times like that. 

My mom favored my brother, he was her sole inheritor, and he put together her funeral, with no input from us, we were not even allowed to be privy to scattering her ashes.  I'd wanted them at my dad's grave, he ignored what we thought.  At her funeral he showed pictures of his kids, none of ours.  It was okay, we let it go, although it was very apparent.  He didn't get together with us since, except when my sister died.  Now he says when COVID is over he wants to get together with us.  It's been over six years since my mom died.  My brother lives 1 1/2 hours from me, about halfway between us girls.  To his credit, he was there for her, and that is what is most important.  No one is feuding, never has, I actually like him and miss him, although I rarely get to see him or his kids.  We're never invited to any major events.  Oh well, I guess we just aren't all that important to him, he is 15 years younger than me.

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It’s amazing all the family dynamics.  I am estranged from my only sister and have been for about 40 years.  Only had to deal with her one the sale of our parents house and that was thru a cousin middleman.  I did speak to her in the phone once to inform her of a cousin who died and know she would otherwise not know as she stopped talking either any family.  She said she wanted to communicate (I had written her once and sent her a couple little gifts over the years) so I was floored.  She never called back after that and I opted not to chase her as I was used to her not being in my life.  This was back when things were happy and full in my life with Steve.  She is 12 years older and I don’t know if I will ever know if something happens to her.  It’s not a dynamic in my life.  I guess I’d be a bit sad, I do have memories of being a kid around her.  But she resented me a lot and had to go thru my mother remarrying and knew our biological father.  So she was scarred by trauma at a young age.  It took me a long time to explain to Steve that this was OK, our not communicating.  His siblings were much closer in age and didn’t have the major parent change.  I have 2 nephews thru her I’ve never met or seen pictures of and don’t even know if they know I exist.  It’s all very strange to others, but the norm to me.  

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Gwen, I think that happens often.  I am about 9-1/2 years older than my sister and she had some bad times.  Our parents sometimes were distant and sometimes really troubling to both of us.  We were close when she was very young but by the time she was 10, I was married and out of the house, so she had to contend with them a lot longer really than I did.  Daddy and her argued religion all the time and she was a "new age feminist" where I was an old age beat down coward around them.  We are in touch 2-3 times a day with her living in the same apartments and it is like I have my baby sister back, but it is also like I am so afraid of losing her.  And Karen knows, and my heart hurts so for Karen, but I don't want any of my babies to hurt, and they are all my babies, even though she is 69 now.  She still teaches and I wish she didn't have to, but at least it gives her reasons to fight where with this virus, it would be so easy to give up.  And I know, everyone on this forum have wanted to give up more than once, twice or three times.  I just want you all to know I admire the heck out of all of you for keeping up the fight.  My daughter can be my bother so often and my son, and my grandaughters too, but they are all why I'm still here and I don't want to lose any of y'all.  

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12 hours ago, Marg M said:

My daughter can be my bother so often and my son, and my grandaughters too, but they are all why I'm still here and I don't want to lose any of y'all.  

:wub:

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I hope I did not screw things up too much.  I copied and pasted this under the post I made many months ago.  I felt like I was slinging my word salad all over someone else's grief.  I'm sorry.  

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3 hours ago, Marg M said:

And the last post should have been under some other topic.  I'm sorry.

\

Absolutely not. This is the right topic. and I learn lots about American society and history through your stories. Thanks for sharing them. 

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Ana, hope I didn't confuse things or screw up the whole forum.  If anyone can do that, I can.  I hope I moved it to "going through hell" part of the forum.  Thank you for your words, but I doubt very much of the USA was like my family.  I came from a paper mill town in a small area of the south that when my folks went to Shreveport (Louisiana), it was like going to the fair.  So big.  We didn't go but once or twice a year.  

 

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Marg, you post anywhere you want.  Lord knows these toptics are like streams with lots of twists and turns.  It’s the forum itself that matters and even there, there are cross overs because of added loss on top of our partners.  We’re all in this together!  💖

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1 minute ago, Marg M said:

Thank you for your words, but I doubt very much of the USA was like my family.  I came from a paper mill town in a small area of the south that when my folks went to Shreveport (Louisiana), it was like going to the fair. 

Marg:  I too enjoy reading your stories of growing up in the South.  Fortunately, or unfortunately I can relate to a lot of your stories.  My family were from North Mississippi.  In the early 40's my parents moved to New Orleans where I grew up until I was 19 and was given the opportunity to come to the Pacific Northwest.  My sweet Mother grew up in Tennessee and when she was 13 her parents moved her and her four brothers to the most desolate part of the country, nothing but pine trees, no running water or inside toilets.  She would tell me when I was growing up how she would sit on the the porch and just pray some human would drive down the dusty road.  After my grandparents passed away the 160 acres of pine trees were split up between the kids, less one uncle that died in WWII.  Won't go into all sad details this caused in the family, but believe me, there are not a lot of happiness through the years.   But, thanks for sharing, love your stories.  Dee

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When my cousin was doing our genealogy she wanted to find out one certain group and we grew up with them in the small surroundings.  They took DNA from two younger members of each side of the family with this name.  Turns out brothers had turned against each other many, many years ago.  They were cousins, we were kin.  No one knows what the fuss was.  But we found out we had two 1st cousins that did not seem to welcome us as much as we welcomed them.  My uncle, their dad, and their mom both had passed away.  Both were very successful, so someone raised them with self-respect.  I'm sorry, but years ago they would ride their horse just so far.  

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1 hour ago, Marg M said:

They were cousins, we were kin.  No one knows what the fuss was.  But we found out we had two 1st cousins that did not seem to welcome us as much as we welcomed them. 

Marg:  Yes, sadly just being kin doesn't guarantee harmony in a family.  I sometimes wish I didn't know all I know about what happened in our family.  It makes me very sad, especially now that I am without my husband and such a small family of my own.  I had one brother who was tragically killed in an accident at age 40.  I have lost contact with his two daughters years ago.  We corresponded for awhile.   The only cousin I keep  contact with lives in Lafayette, LA, and I was delighted he and his wife came up for a visit a year ago last summer.  I am not blessed, like you, with family and close friends nearby.    Keep writing your stories.  Dee

 

 

 

 

 

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Coincidentally, the only family I have left that I am in contact with is my long distance cousin in NM.  I’m glad you have your kids, Dee.  I’m sorry to hear about your brother.  I know you miss Maddie big time too.  Families scatter so often.  I have no idea what happened to my remaining cousins and their kids are so far removed now.  And if they have kids, are you really related anymore?  Seems blood would be so thin for connection.  I must be getting tired.  

Soeaking of which.....how did everyone do with the time change?  Except Karen.  🙂  Wish we would stop mucking with time.  It’s so useless anymore.  I got an extra hours sleep, but I was still messed up and it wasn’t really restful like when I was younger.  My body is so dependent on meds it was in withdrawal for some.  Never felt right all day.  My body knew the rhythm was off.  It was too dark too soon.  Here in the PNW we aren’t going to see a sunset before 5 until late January according to the weather people.  Since I get up at noon, I’ll have days of only 4 hours of light.  We are also known for lights on all day with our cloud cover in winter.  Could be worse, could be in Alaska.

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On 10/26/2020 at 12:45 PM, Ann87 said:

I saw this post today and had to comment because it mirrors how I feel. I lost my husband on October 6th unexpectedly and I am so lost without him. We have two kids, 9 and 12, and I'm living and trying to cope for them. He was my soulmate and I'm incomplete without him.  All of our plans, things he was going to continue to teach the kids, just holding hands, it's all gone and I'm so empty except for the pain and tears. I don't know how "to be" either.

I just found your post. I couldn't believe how close the dates and situations we're in are almost identical. My kids are 10 and 13, I lost my husband on Oct 21st to sudden heart failure. We found him together. Trauma and loss is the most unbearable pain. I feel it's like a cruel cosmic joke. I wake up in the middle of the night temporarily forgetting he's gone then suddenly the realization he's never coming back hits like a semi. Rinse and repeat to the point I'm afraid to sleep.

I understand the reality of just functioning to get through the day and be there for the kids but then having a sudden wave of hurt then start crying in the kitchen while in the middle of making lunch. That lost feeling, the missing part of our lives, a giant hole in our existence. 

I come to this forum to read when I give up  trying to sleep. It's been helping. I hope it is able to do the same for you.

 

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@Joan_sIt's good to know you're still here...I was just wondering about you and here you are!  I'm glad you feel helped in coming here.  :wub:

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5 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

how did everyone do with the time change?

I wish they'd leave it on DST, but OR is waiting on WA & CA to do the same before we make that permanent.  Kodie is adjusting better than anticipated.

Got all ready for church yesterday and they canceled because of a possible Covid contamination...he thinks he just has a cold but hasn't been tested yet, hoping he'll do so today, so it changed my plans this week as I was going to work there today, will wait until later in the week.  Unfortunately they're predicting snow here.  I hope I can still get around for my COVID test Sat., groceries possibly Thursday, and working Friday.  Ugh, I hate snow.  Pretty to look at but hard to shovel without hands, hard to drive in.

 

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6 hours ago, Joan_s said:

I come to this forum to read when I give up  trying to sleep. It's been helping. I hope it is able to do the same for you.

Joan_s:  Good to read you find this forum helpful.  I, too, find solace in reading how others have managed to live without their loved ones.  I don't think I would have made it without their stories.  I hope your children are managing as well as they can with your guidance.  The comfort of being with others who understand your pain and fears provides comfort.  Take care, Dee.

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12 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

....how did everyone do with the time change?

So far am doing ok, I think.  Although, yesterday at 4:30'ish pm, I felt like it was already 10 pm due to early darkness here in WA state.  If I was on medications that were closely monitored I can see where it could be a real problem...... one hour either way doesn't affect me.  Am thankful for my smart phone that tells the real time and a reminder when to take BP medication.  I still have those old fashioned clocks on microwave, oven, car and wall clocks that have to be manually changed.  I have to agree with those who would like to stay on DST.  Dee

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  • 2 weeks later...

Joan S.

Thanks for replying, it helps to know I'm not alone in my feelings and to talk about them with others who understand. I'm still crying daily, sometimes just a few times sometimes a lot, it really varies. Thanksgiving and Christmas are going to be very hard.

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Yeah, the holidays are going to be depressing, although not as much for me as for so many here. It would have been just me and Annette at Thanksgiving anyway, trying to cook a small little turkey or ham and all the fun that ensued. She made even kitchen disasters fun. She was never into Christmas, possessions and gifts. Our only real tradition was being together and listening to the Elvis Christmas CD, though I always got her a few things because I was brought up to be all about gifts. She knew the true meaning of the holiday.  I'm much more dreading our anniversary and her birthday next month.

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No holiday is the same anymore.  Never will be.  The winter holidays are the worst as they last so long and we are hit from all sides with ads, gifting, cooking and the all American happy people in them.  Stores full of stuff and the music.  Not that they are easy, but at least birthdays and anniversaries only last a day.  They aren’t blasting us from TV or lights in the neighborhood.  Mailboxes full of catalogs.  

The bad part is those special days are so isolated.  No one else feels them as we do.  If you don’t have any really close friends or family, there’s no one to talk to or cry with.  Some want to reminisce, about the good time of course and that is OK but the pain we carry alone.  There’s only one partner bond in this and we are it.  

I don’t hide from the holidays because that is impossible and uses lots of energy I don’t have.  I just try and Ignore them as best I can.  It is hard to tune out being alone particular days you know others are celebrating, even in this pandemic.  

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I hear you, Gwen. And I hated Christmas music before Annette's passing. I am going to try to not go into a store as much as possible until January (luckily my brother does the shopping). I will really have a panic attack hearing that stuff (Since I am such a music nerd, and very sound sensitive, it's impossible for me to tune out music).

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I like Christmas music but I''m afraid it'd take more than that to well up something in me right now, it's hard doing it all alone.  Life is meant to be shared.  I hate COVID, I hate this year.  Will this ever be over please?  Everyone in the media about staying home with your immediate family, none of them stop to think about those of us who are totally alone.

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