I don't know how "to be" without him...?

[Gwenivere]

You are so right.  Just got off the phone with my doc and none of them get the isolation factor when trying to eat with physical probs.  I was trying to tell him how this is more than just physical, the psychological aspect has a big impact.  He’s so young tho, he has no experience with huge loss upon loss.  How even small things can throw you off.  I have counseling today, but my therapist's Internet is down, so that means phone which is not really as helpful.  At least with zoom I could see his face.  Every day I wonder....what will go wrong today?  I can’t remember a day that didn’t have complications.  IF I can take the pain getting out today, it will be my first time picking up and RX on Medicare.  I’m so used to zero copays and I know that won’t be the case now.  I’d curl up and cry, but it hurts too much.  2020 is a four letter word for me.  Never had such a bed year and don’t see it magically changing in 21.  I’m also tired of talking to people that are in-firmed in other ways so their suggestions don’t apply to me, and I would love them to.  Swimming, support groups in person, other volunteer opportunities.  This has been the ultimate year of loneliness and depression doused with test upon test that just leaves me feeling impotent.

[kayc]

Gwen:  (((hugs)))

Today I have to drive over 60 miles to the dentist, then get groceries and come home, put everything away.  A huge challenge.  It's windy and raining hard.  I want to fast forward to April when Spring peeks through.

[Gwenivere]

Yes, the PNW winters are it just that much harder.  Same with the upper east coast.  I hope you make it thru your drive and tasks OK.  You’re my Wonder Woman.  I’ll be lucky if I can get to a close grocery store for a couple items.  I was shaking in pain when I was getting dressed.  Lost an hour of sleep trying to find a minimal pain position to sleep in 2 hours before my alarm went off.  Already feel I’ve done a whole day of stuff and it’s not even been 2 hours.  ⛈

[kayc]

Yesterday was rough but made it through it, have another day of it today, now they've moved the snow up to this morning, hoping not, I'll get down to the valley, will deal with getting home, later.  Kodie was an angel, I left him in the house the whole six hours I was gone + 40 min. it took me to carry in the groceries and put them away.  Didn't eat from 10 until 5!

[Ann87]

I agree with an earlier comment that the press just doesn't seem to get, or talk about at least, the isolation for those that have lost someone. All they say is to stay away from everyone, but we need just the opposite. Churches are closed, no in person support groups are meeting, can't even have neighbors in your home just to talk for a while. I believe that this is creating a huge mental/emotional health crisis that no one is talking about yet.

I'm lucky that I have 2 young kids at home e-learning to keep me busy, along with all the estate stuff I'm trying to fit in in between. The stress is huge and I know it's impacting me physically. I'm worried about my health, what if something happens to me, then the kids are orphans. Hopefully I'll get social security set up soon to have some money coming in. I'm grateful we were always frugal and have an emergency fund or we'd be in serious trouble.

[Kieron]

 

 

Working in mental health as I do, I can see the writing on the wall.  As an confirmed introvert, this is getting to me a little more each day.  I even broke down and got an iPad so I can FaceTime with people.  Not that I like seeing myself on screen, but it sure beats the plain old phone at times.

[Gwenivere]

Being an extrovert, but battling grief, panic disorder and depression, I began noticing the mental health fallouts sooner than most that have others with them in this isolation.  

I’m tired of the phone.  I’ve adjusted to Zoom, but when they or I severe the connection it feels so cold.  Not like going your own way after having coffee or hanging out at each other’s house.  It’s just this screen saying your meeting is over.  Can’t hug them goodbye.  On Zoom you can see their face sans mask, but you can’t move around normally.  

It bothers me that I get anxious now when someone is actually coming over.  I only have one person that is on a personal level and maybe once a month.  My only other real life person in town is always on the iPad.  All my therapy is online too.  That’s really hard to terminate via computer.  To be that openly emotional and blip!  Blank computer.  I used to leave the office and had a drive afterwards between tasks or home. I had that buffer between there and this darned house (which I love but spend way too much time in).

My housekeeper and repair people I have to adapt to every time now.  As I lost volunteering, I’m not in a schedule anymore and getting that human contact was essential.  All these precautions have retrained me/us to go against needed human behavior.  I desperately want to talk with people I know at the nursing home.  Try and engage strangers at the store but people zip by you fast from fear.  

It’s a guessing game every day how I will fare with another lacking in meaningful contact.  Even if the meaning is just to discuss how the traffic has increased in the neighborhood with the neighbors.  Or the price of butter at the store.  I have more interaction with cashiers.  

As my luck would have it, my only relative I am close to is in a rural area and we can’t even do the Zoom thing.  I’d love to 'see' her.  

[KarenK]

I see the reluctance to acknowledge another's presence or speak when I'm in the grocery store, mostly from people that are older. It's like they're scared that a germ might float over in conversation even behind a mask. Conversations are usually with the young adults who are asking an opinion about a product. Little do they know I'm probably the last person to ask that of as cooking is not my forte.  lol  Most of the cashiers are friendly though.

Took Marley to the vet today. $375 for visit, bloodwork, and meds. A lot more than I was expecting and precisely why I don't have more dogs. Just too expensive!!!

[Gwenivere]

I was telling Mel what a costly little critter she is.  Got her vitamins and glucosamine today.  Pet health is often more expensive than human.  But I can’t imagine not having the companionship and love.  If I could physically do it, I’d get another dog.  Mel needs someone who speaks her language for activity.  We’re both used to more canine energy.  

I don’t cook anymore either, Karen.  Unless a total understanding of how to use a. microwave counts.  My pots and pans have been cold for a very long time.  I really should donate much of it to people that can use them.  If I could get down there I would.  Would be a good project.

[KarenK]

Ron was a great cook and he enjoyed it. He liked to bake also. His mama taught him well. Before the guys moved in, I ate a lot of Stouffers and take out or used the crock pot and froze single portions. I cook almost every night for the three of us, just basic meat, potatoes, spaghetti kind of stuff. I like broccoli, brussel sprouts, etc....they don't, so I fix them for myself. I found a recipe for pasta fagoli soup(like Olive Garden). It required a ton of ingredients I didn't have so I got everything and made a big pot. I was the only one who ate any. They don't eat pie. I love pie. Two things we agree on...muffins and donuts😁 I don't have to cook those, just eat them😋

[Margm]

Billy wouldn't eat casseroles.  He had to have meat at every meal when we first got married.  I learned how to fix Spam so many ways.  It was great in Chef's Salads.  Then on a health kick later in life we left out meat except on "fat Fridays."  Brianna fixes her own meals.  She likes rice with anything.  Not brown rice.  Her nickname of Tater suited her too because she loves potatoes, but not tater tots.  

[KarenK]

Marg, the only casserole the guys will eat is a Hamburger Corn Casserole, recipe courtesy of my 60 year old Better Homes and Garden cookbook. I fix it sometimes.

Tell Brianna that she travels in good company. "Tater" is what we call our big, sweet very intelligent dog Tatum.

[Gwenivere]

I envy you both having people to share meals with.  During the first couple of years I would cook pasta, rice, salmon fillets, pork chops, etc. and have several meals.  then it started getting to me all the staring out the window and how how quiet dinner was.  How leftovers tasted strange.  I’ll buy ready made Mac and cheese and split that over two nights now and then.  I’m relying more on the community centers for meals.  They even give you utensils as washing stuff annoys me.  

I know we all miss the person that was our 2nd half, but I’d sure like some humans in my home life.  It’s all too predictable by yourself.  Ive tried doing things at different times, but that us just shuffling the same stuff around. I do things at odd times now to fill time.  It might hit me at 2am to do laundry, or use the cordless vac to get the bird feathers.  It feels weird.  All this is driven by discontent.  That moved in when Steve left.  

Never truly relaxed.   Never content or safe.  Im never still inside anymore.  

[kayc]

I eat different than everyone else in my family except my son and he's slipping on his diet I think because his wife doesn't cater to it and he often works late and eats what she has for him.  If I lived with someone I'm afraid we'd have to prepare separate food, but I'm happy with the food choices I'm making and choose them for life, it's working!

I don't consider myself 100% introvert or 100% extrovert, my son is more introvert, my daughter extrovert, I seem a mixture, need a balance, which of course I don't get now.  I talk on the phone to someone every day, my sister Peggy and a friend usually.  It helps to have an outside "fix."

I do not like the way our world has changed this year, I want things back, it's like I don't have a life now.

18 hours ago, Ann87 said:

I believe that this is creating a huge mental/emotional health crisis that no one is talking about yet.

For sure!  It was me that posted about the news not addressing those of us who live alone.  The governor and leaders all say to stay home at TG, don't go see family, they think our physical needs are all that matters, but they're so wrong!  We all know here that we need contact and they're demanding way too much of us with their scare tactics!  Not saying there's nothing to it, just saying this is not the only consideration...

[Margm]

It worries me because my granddaughter just crawls further into herself.  She is not bodily sick, so how can we go to a doc?  She has a friend, thank goodness, that she talks to often.  Has her personality.  But, has a twin and about 3 brothers and sisters and lives with her family, afraid of the outside, her parents and grandmother all live together, and they all have COVID now.  Won't talk to Zoom, Skype, unless it is to her friend.  

I knew she did not want to get around people but I offered to get her outside, she will not go.  Does not want to go Thanksgiving, but there will only be five of us. I've got a problem.  Advice has been given.  Over and over.

[Gwenivere]

8 hours ago, kayc said:

they think our physical needs are all that matters, but they're so wrong!  We all know here that we need contact and they're demanding way too much of us with their scare tactics!  Not saying there's nothing to it, just saying this is not the only consideration...

I understand what you are saying.  I think the scare tactics have emerged because there are so many people that just won’t do the things proven to work and we ALL have been doing.  We don't like them either.  I am covid'd out as I get it.  Why some think they are more burdened by it, I don’t know. And there are those still unbelieving with a quarter million deaths, this is still a hoax or overblown.   I try and avoid the news now.  Vaccines are still way out there.  Not close enough to subject myself to the depressing stories that still abound.

As to how to solve the need for human contact beyond just seeing others from a distance and only half their face, I don’t know.  Zoom calls remove the mask issue, but they’re not physically there, and vice versa if they are.  Even people we don’t know, like when out shopping, it’s an altered universe.   Being avoided when passing people.  I’ve had people stop walking by when I get my mail and wait til I’m back up the driveway.  

Mental fallout?  You bet and big time.   We’re already lonely without our partners and now this.  This will sound bad, but I have little empathy to the stories I hear about people so missing hugging their kids, grandkids, best friends, whatever.  At least they have them and will someday.   Keep in mind my feelings are from being utterly alone.  One Zoom call call to an acquaintance a week and a few minutes with some people I’ve gotten to know at the community center for meals does not mean significant connections.  My only social buddy is a maybe once a month thing due to his busy life with family and friends.  

And during all this is the increasing physical pain and fear being alone with it.  Walking, showering, trying to take care of my dog and other once simple things that If something happened I’d just call for him.  Now it’s a medic alert button and strangers.  No one gets that loneliness but us.  If you are fortunate enough to have kids close by, that is awesome.  Or a close friend.  I have people that would take care of Melody and I think my birds, but no one to be by my side.  I’m tired of putting on a brave face for strangers.  Just don’t have the energy or desire.  They can think what they want.  I don’t care anymore.  As is said....walk a mile in another’s shoes.

this hardened reply brought to you doing another day painfully trying to throw a ball for Mel, walk from one end of the house to the other and hoping I can get out to pick up dinner and away from these shrinking walls.

[Margm]

Like I said before, I am a cynical old lady.  If they are hateful to me in a store or anywhere they don't roll the red carpet out, turn your back and walk away.  People are overworked, underpaid, and you might get some hardnosed people but you can turn your back on them.  

[kayc]

So I just learned that the governor says there'll be a penalty of 30 days in jail if you're caught with more than six people together at TG or from more than two households...that seems overreaching.  I'd like to see her live in solitary confinement for a year the like rest of us here!  Nothing to ever look forward to...

 

[Margm]

There will be five of us.  The usual five.  Kelli might invite her two cousins (nephews)

[Gwenivere]

I don’t remember what the penalty here is, but my big question is how are they going to enforce It?  Look for houses with lots of cars?  That’s everywhere.  More important to me is that it really is the wisest thing to do.  Limit how many people are gathered.  6 is a fair number.  It’s one Thanksgiving.  So much risk of losing part of your family for years ahead.  I guess I don’t get why people are so upset about this.  Look what’s happened at experiments of social gatherings already.  With strangers it’s easy to maintain distance protocol.  Risky with people you love to give in to that craving for closeness and touch.  People should have seen this coming.  I wasn’t surprised.

[Margm]

Yep, you have got to remember the son who wanted to give his mom and dad a party for their (somewhere over 60) wedding anniversary.  My cousins BIL, who had been like a dad to him all his life, wanted to see his great grandchildren.  One woman (only one was all it took) was in contact with everyone.  Mom and dad did not see another anniversary, both "left" within hours of each other, and the great grandfather, he "left" first.  I really hate the reality of the word "died."  There were, I think, 24 at this gathering.  And you wonder, at all the political gathering, activism organizations going on, maybe being in the streets with the wind blowing, maybe it blows the virus upward, but people that follow one candidate do not wear masks and think it is a hoax.  Until it isn't.  

[kayc]

17 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

my big question is how are they going to enforce It?

Busybodies reporting them to police.  They can allow hundreds of strangers around you in a store but not six others in your family?  No more than 25 in a church, regardless of space/size?  They won't address their reasoning on that.  We're losing our rights, not just our lives.  This would have been unheard of a year ago, but now they have us so beaten down we don't even question it.  THAT's what I find saddest of all.

Yet they don't put a stop to the vandalism/destruction going on in Portland!  People should not be allowed to destroy businesses others have worked hard to build!  No matter what their cause or message.  Two wrongs don't make a right. 

 

[nashreed]

My brother works for Wal-Mart as a cashier, and they're busier than Disneyland (which is been closed since March)! I worry, as more and more people don't care about wearing masks. People don't bitch about wearing seat belts. I don't like them, they strap and bind- but I do it. Isn't it the same thing?

COVID would have been the worst possible thing Annette could have had. She feared not being able to breathe and had to use a CPAP as it was. I'm glad I don't have to worry about her getting it (which I feel terrible about). It seems Tulsa is really bad with cases. All these red states want their freedumb. I know I can't get into it. It just angers me so much that so many Americans got conned.

[Gwenivere]

13 hours ago, kayc said:

We're losing our rights, not just our lives.  This would have been unheard of a year ago, but now they have us so beaten down we don't even question it.  THAT's what I find saddest of all.

I’m confused here,Kay.  You are opposed to limiting sizes of gatherings?  I guess I don’t get this 'rights' thing.  People can go without masks if they want, but they give up getting services as they endanger other people.  This has been proven over and over again.  I don’t like it, but it’s pandemic protocol.  They did it for SARS and others.  This is the first one that has hit the US big time.   Other countries are used to this that were affected by epidemics.  I don’t want to get it and I certainly don’t want to be responsible for infecting others.  

As for the vandalism, that I see as people out of control.   Taking out their anger on innocents.  Trashing a small business does nothing but hurt the owner.  

I don’t know where you go, but here people are very respectful of the distancing in stores and I’m guessing in churches from what I have seen on the news.  No one is happy in this.  But the priority is to save lives.  

I don't see it as stomping on our rights.  I see it as a way to keep us alive to have them in the future.  Just my opinion.  Maybe I misread yours.

[Margm]

Myself.............I want to live in one of those Hallmark villages.  (Nah, I won't leave here), but wouldn't that be neat?