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Lost my childhood cat pt 3


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Today was rough in a different way. My husband and I spent the day out and it was a good distraction. I got waves of sadness here and there. But now I'm home and the day is winding down and suddenly there's that tightness in my chest, and I remember that my baby boy isn't here anymore. My favorite part of coming home was kissing Westley's forehead, picking him up and carrying him around for a couple minutes. He always nuzzled my face and neck when I picked him up, and never fussed when I'd carry him around the apartment, just because. I really want to hold him, have him sit in my lap for the last hours of the day like he used to. I want to feel his warmth. I want to be annoyed when yells at me for food when his bowl is full. 

I hate walking into our bedroom. Westley spent most of his time in there, either in his bed or on my office chair. Occasionally he'd join me in the living room, and every single night when my husband and I got into bed, Westley would join us for our cuddle pile. Cuddle pile was my favorite thing in the world, the best part of the day. I miss it. 

This still doesn't really feel real. I know it happened but I feel like my brain is resisting this new reality. That's why it sucks so much to look at where his bed used to be, or to look at my office chair, and to not see Westley there snoozing. It doesn't look right. It doesn't feel right. So I just avoid it. 

My office is set up right next to where Westley's bed was. I'm going to move everything out into the living room. I'm getting a new office chair, because mine is very overused, but also it was Westley's chair and I can't handle looking at it without him in it. During my workday, he would watch me and wait for me to get up and walk away from my chair so he could sit in it. He did that up until his very last day. Sometimes he'd settle for sitting behind me on the chair. It wasn't very comfortable but I was happy to share the seat with him. 

I go back to work on Tuesday. I'm not ready for a workday without my cat on my chair, or sleeping in his bed behind me. But I guess I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.

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Hi Dear,

Everything you say here resonates with me because the couch was where Gracie would sleep so I find it’s not easy to use it. Today I sat there but I still leave her side clear as if she still uses it. I’ve thought about getting a different couch because it’s old anyway but it’s such an expensive item to replace. Many times I just stay in my bedroom because there are less memories there but of course there are memories in every room. I find myself still avoiding looking at certain spaces or things. 
Nights are hardest for me, too. I think when the sun goes down I just want to be alone and not interact with people. I grieve harder at night. I usually end up taking something natural to help me sleep. Dear, we really do understand your feelings. My heart is with you. 


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Arlie liked to sleep behind the recliner or in the far corner next to the dining room table.  It's still hard for me to see those empty spots.  I can so relate to you both.

The best dog in the world.

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