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I want to blame something somebody! This isn’t real


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My husband died Oct 21 from a heart attack. Trauma is my existence right now, my heart feels like it’s going to implode from the pain that washes over me every 5 mins.

Since the start of this pandemic we got into having unhealthy diets to ease the stress. Luckily we were able to work from home but both of us put on a lot of weight.  He was also under additional stress from work midyear as they laid off his entire department and gave him all the work to do.  He was already clinically obese and had high blood pressure, but stopped taking his meds thinking he didn't neg to as he wasn't going into a stress office environment. so October he was determined to get fit.  We had just finished dinner and he had walked for only 30 min on our brand new treadmill. He said he had a slight chest pain and took two antacids then went for a shower and 15 min later I was the one who found him in the shower stall slumped over into a corner  I tried to get him out of the shower to perform CPR, his face was already blue and I could see his fingertips and one foot was turning blue too. As hard as I tried, I couldn’t move him and yelled for my kids to call 911, my 10 year old son also tried to help me pull him out, finally I was able flip his legs over the edge and and get him flat on the floor. The tiles and wet floor made it difficult to get a good compression on him. I tried with all my might to give him mouth to mouth and compression until the paramedics got to us. They took over and tried everything they could for what seemed like an eternity. I was shaking uncontrollably on the edge of the bathtub hearing and seeing everything they did. The minute I heard one of them say "I'm calling it", I knew it was too late. He was dead. I asked if they could cover him up before I had to walk past him to find the kids. I didn't want to have the last image of my love with that blue face.
The police officers took us into the kitchen and everything was a blur of paperwork and questions. The only thing I can remember from the fog was getting ushered into the back yard as the coroner brought his body downstairs. We didn't see him go. 

The one thing he tried to do to get healthy was the catalyst for his death. It hits very hard that he's gone. My loveable bear is now lying in a morgue. I’m angry and devastated. I blame myself for not trying hard enough, did my compression technique fail? Could I have tried harder? Should I have taken him to the ER when he said he felt chest pain? 
Why didn't he take his blood pressure meds? Why didn't he stop sneaking junk food while he was out running errands?

The kids and I are in a fog with no where to go. Bereavement allowance from work is only 5 days. Their school is 10 days. We left the house for the first time yesterday, only to return to the house feeling empty and silent.

I feel numb. Like I'm in a nightmare. HIs body imprint is still in the master bedroom carpet, there is vomit on the floor from where they suctioned it out of his nose and mouth. I can't bring myself to enter the room alone to fetch clothes. I break down when I'm in the closet looking at his shirts that he only just wore a few days ago.

I look at the imprint and wish he would appear. I wish I could go back in time to the moment he said "slight chest pain " and whisk him away to the ER.

I'm crying in great big sobs that alarm the kids. I have to stop or I'm going to lose my mind.
 

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Joan_s,

My heart weeps with you as you share your dreadful experience.  The initial shock and awe of this does feel like a nightmare.  All of your thoughts and feelings are normal. Your mind is trying to sort out and make sense out of all of this.  The "what-ifs..." and "if only I..." is only natural. The best advice friends here gave me was to try and get some sleep, drink, water, and take this one moment at a time. Look into searching for a grief counselor who can help you through this challenging time.  Meanwhile, this group and Marty T has plenty of resources that helped me and many people here learn to deal with grief at this most difficult moment.  I will be praying for you peace and comfort and that you will know that you are never alone in this.  This group has helped me so much when my beloved wife died and my world was turned upside down. Take care of yourself. - Shalom ( Peace)

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I don’t know what I can possibly say to ease your pain as this is so devastating.  The images and disbelief.  I’m glad you found us and can get out what 'demons' grief has created.  Everyone here understands totally.  You are in shock.  Your children are as well.  That is a cruel loss for you to carry and them as well.  Being but a few days, you are stripped raw.  Please, if you can, don’t play out options that you feel you missed.  They only add to the pain.  Or if you must play them out, realize at the time you were reacting to the circumstance at the time.  You couldn’t have known this would happen.  We ALL carry what ifs and shoulds.  Don’t add guilt to your broken heart.  

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Others have said it so well, and I too am sorry to read what you went through.  It's been just a few days, from what I understand.   It's all bound to be raw, fresh and agonizing, being so recent.  Your responses and reactions and descriptions are all normal, natural, and understandable.  We've all been there with the self-blame, and we've all been there with the woulda-coulda-shoulda.  You did the best you could to aid him, in those frantic moments that no one ever wants to have to go through, but that you had to.  And now you're on the other side of it and looking back from every angle, looking for what you could have done differently.  I think we all have done that.

In your first post in another thread, you described your feelings so well when you said I feel like I was dropped from a tall building then electrocuted after I hit the floor.  And I can’t make heads or tails out of my thoughts and my emotions are on a nightmare roller coaster.  So familiar, so descriptive, so understandable.

1 hour ago, Joan_s said:

I'm crying in great big sobs that alarm the kids. I have to stop or I'm going to lose my mind.

While I agree/understand that it's alarming to your children, and to you, this is exactly what you need to do, somewhere, somehow, because this is the time for it.  Many people shove it away and run from it, and they pay the price later with delayed grief responses.  In my opinion, it's best to let the grief happen.  It will have its say and have its way, sooner or later.  The problem is that society doesn't allow much time or space for it, doesn't give us much breathing room in the aftermath, and lets us have 3 to 5 days of bereavement and then you're expected to be back to "normal."  As if!

I hope this place gives you some respite.

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I'm so sorry, Joan. It is so hard to be this early in the grieving. My wife has been gone a little over five months. I thought she would be ok when they were working on her after a severe low blood sugar, that let to a cardiac arrest. I am grateful that (as far as I know) she was still alive when she was taken by the ambulance. I just hope she didn't feel pain when they were doing the compressions trying to revive her. 

I have guilt about so many things. I enabled her in some ways, because she tried so hard to eat better and cook healthy, but I couldn't say no to her when she wanted fast food or something unhealthy. Life is too short. 

This may not be consolation now, but, in my opinion, everything happens for a reason. Maybe it's for the best that she passed the way she did, and didn't get COVID- which would be her worst nightmare. She was claustrophobic and her worst fear was not being able to breathe. Please don't beat yourself up too much. He wouldn't want you to. 

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I am so sorry. Just try and take one moment at a time. Everyone here has gone through their grief and pain in their own ways. There is no right or wrong way to feel.  Just breath for now...

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18 hours ago, Joan_s said:

Trauma is my existence right now, my heart feels like it’s going to implode from the pain

Welcome to our site...it's with mixed emotions I write this for I want to open our family, our hearts, to you...but at the same time, knowing I wish you did not have reason to be here.  We all wish that. 

I also want you to know that this is an ever evolving journey.  A few years from now you will look back on today amazed you're still surviving and once in a while perhaps even feel you're thriving, although you will still wish you had him back, you will still love him, still miss him.  You will never ever forget him.  You may experience "Brain Fog" or "Widow's Brain," I've heard it called by many things...mainly its the fogginess in our brain following trauma, I equate it to shaken brain, it affects our thinking and our ability to focus.  It can take time for clarity to come again.  For myself I don't think I was ever as before, in my brain, but it's certainly better than it was.  
The shock we go through with sudden death (and having gone through the loss of my soul dog a year ago to cancer, even though I had a couple of months to process it...there is no way to, death still comes as a hard hit) and especially the death of our husband, who affects us on every level, is not easily processed, it can take years...I'd say it took me a good three years to but it's an ongoing journey for the rest of our lives.  I do not want to paint a black picture though, I want you to know with your head, even though it's impossible for you to see that with your heart right now, that we are amazing creatures, with the ability to survive the unfathomable, if we were not, none of us would still be here.  You will not feel the intensity of this pain as greatly later on down the road that you do right now.  Little by little you will begin to hone your coping skills, learn, and adjust bit by bit.  In the Bible it talks about us learning precept upon precept, and I relate to that concept as I've seen that we learn the same way, bit by bit.  It doesn't all have to be today.  Today, just breathe, that along with remembering to eat and drink some water, maybe change your clothes, is enough for today.  In time you will look to accomplish one thing per day.  Maybe vacuum, maybe take care of business.  But again, little by little, constantly re-prioritizing.  I like lists...that way I don't have to hold it all in my mind, which can overwhelm me, I can cross one thing off a day and feel a sense of accomplishment.  I'm doing this.

You've taken an important step...you found us, you expressed yourself with people who "get it," who have been there...our details and circumstances may vary, but the heart felt pain we get.  We want to be here for you as you go through this, if you want us to.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

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18 hours ago, Joan_s said:

I blame myself for not trying hard enough, did my compression technique fail? Could I have tried harder? Should I have taken him to the ER when he said he felt chest pain? 

We all question ourselves in early grief...it's not because we are guilty of anything, not because we "aren't enough" but more like it's our way of trying to find a different possible outcome.

My husband looked the picture of health, he had a perfect physique, built like a weightlifter or wrestler, huge chest and arms, small waist, did hard physical work, yet the inside of him was quite another matter as I came to learn following his death...he had five clogged arteries, had survived a major heart attack that had knocked him out while he was driving six months earlier, leaving a severely damaged heart...all unknown to us because his doctor never referred him to a cardiologist to find our WHY he passed out, he just "assumed" it was his diabetes, although George argued that it wasn't typical of usual hypoglycemic episodes.  I wish he'd gone to another doctor, I wish this, I wish that, but none of it brings him back, it is what it is, it is what I live with now.  I asked "why" a million times, there were no resounding answers.  I finally quit asking.  As a friend of mine once told me after he'd had lost his wife and baby daughters, "I learned to ask not "why," but "what now?"  That takes time to figure it out.

As for the weight, I just lost 70 lbs.  I'd struggled with weight for years...I was small when George was alive but following his death, I just didn't care.  I ate whatever.  A lot of us do in our grief.  Last year after my Arlie's (dog) cancer diagnosis, my blood sugar was up and stayed up for seven months...I knew what I had to do.  I started Keto.  The weight literally melted off and my blood tests became normal, my blood sugar also, I got off the diabetic medicines.  The hardest part was making the decision/commitment.  It's for life, it's not a fad diet to lose weight, go off, and gain it all back again, like so many other times.

I wouldn't recommend doing this right now when you have so much on your plate...it's something you can consider when you feel ready...you will know when you are ready.  I "considered" it for a year before making that decision, because the day I determined it in my heart was the day I was ready...not the day before.  I am glad I did this starting New Years 2020 because the whole world has gone nuts, with the pandemic, closing businesses, elections, masks, everything changing, social isolation, this has been the ONE thing I can control!  And that felt good.  I pray for you, your health, for a good night's sleep, strength for today.

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16 hours ago, nashreed said:

I just hope she didn't feel pain when they were doing the compressions trying to revive her. 

She would not have.  Once we've past that point of our heart stopping, there is no more pain.  Our spirits are sometimes in a transitory place (I've had NDEs) where we're up above and watching them working on us, before we go to that next place, but no pain as they're giving compressions.

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5 hours ago, mik said:

There is no right or wrong way to feel.

This!  And no right or wrong way to grieve, only our way.  We can have seemingly conflicting feelings at the same time, all of them valid.  There is no "wrong" in a feeling, it's just what we have to contend with.

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2 hours ago, kayc said:

She would not have.  Once we've past that point of our heart stopping, there is no more pain.  Our spirits are sometimes in a transitory place (I've had NDEs) where we're up above and watching them working on us, before we go to that next place, but no pain as they're giving compressions.

Thank you. When I went to the hospital to see her after she had passed, she had a tear in her eye, and I was so afraid she had been in pain.  It was 4am, and I didn't want to leave her. It was so hard. I didn't want to seem weird, and the staff there weren't very nice at 4am. I just didn't want to leave her. I'll never forget how beautiful she looked at 4am May 16, 2020.

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Im so sorry. I have been in a similar state of shock as you're today, you're in survival mode and in the peak of your pain please try to keep the minimum: drink water, wash your face. The tap water running on your face eases the sting of tears.

If I can give you a piece of advice, it would be to start counseling. You have been through a traumatic experience and it could be difficult to deal with that on yourself without professional guidance. 

Keep coming here, we understand.

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@nashreed it could have been a bodily response or maybe her thoughts were on you?  But she wouldn't have pain from their trying to resuscitate her.  At any rate, their suffering is over, now it's ours taken over.  :(

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Today is my husband's Funeral-This will be my first funeral. He will be in an open casket then cremated. Because of covid, I also added the option of a live streaming for his friends and family out of state. Thank Goodness for modern technology. When making the arrangements I was in a fog, didn't realize the day fell on Halloween, but it works out; ironically it was always his favorite holiday. I honestly don't care if anyone in attendance thinks it's in bad taste. It's for him.

Thank you everyone for the responses. The kind words of wisdom have helped immensely. The past few days have been a blur of crushing heartbreak, inability to fully process my reality and forcing myself to breath and function on a very basic level for the children's sake. Since that awful night I have been on the trauma rollercoaster but also trying to be sensitive and handle friends and family calling with question after question. Every call has forced me to relive that night. Witnessing their reactions and subsequent grief on top of my own raw emotion has been beyond torture. Being a naturally empathetic person it has taken a huge toll on me and I have at several points considered joining my husband.

However, when dark thoughts have come I quickly pick up my phone and come to this forum, reread everyone's responses again and personal accounts of losing their spouse and try to imagine you are all surrounding me. It has helped me get through those dark alone moments you find yourself in; the times in-between calls, trying to rest, eating or using the restroom. Those odd snippets of time peppered throughout the day. This forum has been like reaching for an inhaler when I'm about to go into another panic attack.

Even though the funeral arrangements have kept me busy and distracted, I have not had any time to fully process my situation and I feel after today is over, I will probably have a full mental break down. I know my next step is to find counseling for me and the kids, but realistic first it will be picking up the pieces and shards of this broken life. Paperwork to help us fund counselling and research free services.

My journey to survival and eventual healing has begun...

 

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12 minutes ago, Joan_s said:

I honestly don't care if anyone in attendance thinks it's in bad taste. It's for him.

Good for you!  And you're so right!  You're in my thoughts/prayers today.  I know didn't feel this way, but for myself, his funeral was positive (although hard) as there were so many paying tribute to him, he was a very caring man as was evident at his funeral.  I hope you will feel comfort in your husband's as well.

You are so right about everything you wrote here.  We're all with you in spirit.

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5 hours ago, Joan_s said:

My journey to survival and eventual healing has begun...

Joan_s: Yes, your survival and healing has begun.....one minute at a time, one breath at a time, one step at a time and one day at a time.  Remember, you are not alone on this path.  Hugs, Dee

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It doesn’t matter what anyone thinks about how we choose to deal with any aspect of our loss.   The handling of my husbands loss was unconventional.   But it was what he wanted and also spared me from a large ceremony that would not mesh the 2 worlds he lived in.  He wasn’t involved in work anymore so I left that up to them to organize.  I handled his music buddies.  

I got lots of phone calls offering help and trying to be empathetic.  It does take a huge toll.  I started screening calls to avoid the added stress.  Plus I was in shock still and didn’t want to revisit the day as I knew that would end and the real mourning would hit me like a freight train soon enough.  

I’ve always felt that funerals were for the living.  Our loved left long before.  I hope you can handle today and maybe close the door to others that are stressing you out for a time.  It’s not rude or mean, it’s part of learning survival skills and you might have to explain it to some, I did.   You need some privacy and breathing room with your kids and alone.  It’s crazy we need alone time then and later come to hate it.   

I’m a firm believer in counseling.  It’s the only place I can go (there are limits even here because the written word can be misunderstood) and say any and everything I feel.  I can cry and scream and be heard.  This is my lifeline backup.  I treasure it more than anything to keep me sane too.  It’s the first place I usually share my thoughts and just writing them is a weight lifted.  I sometimes decide not to post them.  Getting them out was enough.  But the times I really needed to be 'heard', these wonderful people have been here.  They are for you as you’ve seen.   Hope you do find counseling too.  

Last thing you need is my babbling.  I wish you the strength you have but do not see today.  To organize what you have is incredible.  💖

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For myself I need a balance.  Sometimes people can be really trying, I was having such a day yesterday with people on FB being hateful, etc. and I am feeling the need to pull in like a turtle right now for some peace and refreshing, but I have always recognized the need for a balance, a mixture of both.  Too much isolation, on the flip side, is not healthy either.

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I'm sorry for your loss. 

It probably happened so quickly nothing could have helped. As for your chest compressions, I went through a first aid course, and at the end of teaching us how to do CPR. the instructor said "What you see on TV is very dramatic, but honestly, CPR only saves someone's life about 10% of the time."

The ambulance crew got to my house and asked, "Did your husband have a DNR?" Well, no he didn't, but he was terminally ill. It  doesn't make any difference. If there's no DNR, they have to do everything they can.

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On 10/31/2020 at 5:56 AM, Joan_s said:

Today is my husband's Funeral-This will be my first funeral. He will be in an open casket then cremated. Because of covid, I also added the option of a live streaming for his friends and family out of state. Thank Goodness for modern technology. When making the arrangements I was in a fog, didn't realize the day fell on Halloween, but it works out; ironically it was always his favorite holiday. I honestly don't care if anyone in attendance thinks it's in bad taste. It's for him.

Thank you everyone for the responses. The kind words of wisdom have helped immensely. The past few days have been a blur of crushing heartbreak, inability to fully process my reality and forcing myself to breath and function on a very basic level for the children's sake. Since that awful night I have been on the trauma rollercoaster but also trying to be sensitive and handle friends and family calling with question after question. Every call has forced me to relive that night. Witnessing their reactions and subsequent grief on top of my own raw emotion has been beyond torture. Being a naturally empathetic person it has taken a huge toll on me and I have at several points considered joining my husband.

However, when dark thoughts have come I quickly pick up my phone and come to this forum, reread everyone's responses again and personal accounts of losing their spouse and try to imagine you are all surrounding me. It has helped me get through those dark alone moments you find yourself in; the times in-between calls, trying to rest, eating or using the restroom. Those odd snippets of time peppered throughout the day. This forum has been like reaching for an inhaler when I'm about to go into another panic attack.

Even though the funeral arrangements have kept me busy and distracted, I have not had any time to fully process my situation and I feel after today is over, I will probably have a full mental break down. I know my next step is to find counseling for me and the kids, but realistic first it will be picking up the pieces and shards of this broken life. Paperwork to help us fund counselling and research free services.

My journey to survival and eventual healing has begun...

 

I'm already beside myself with grief which has now been compounded with additional stress from the funeral service. 

The live streaming of the service was screwed up so badly and done without any sensitivity at all. The tech guy conducting the stream couldn't get the sound to work, started messing with the volume settings which popped up on screen DURING speaker eulogies which was broadcast to the audience and then proceeded to call his boss for tech support (who I thought was going to be conducting the service on the day from all original communication) in a really loud voice while we all sat in awkward silence.

Friends tried to intervene while I was in complete shock and horror, getting angrier by the minute. I had to direct the tech on the slideshow, I had to tell him to play the provided music. I had to tell him to cue the speakers. I shouldn't have had to do any of this! I wish I was making this up and it was a scene from a comedy sketch but this was the actual nightmare I and all in attendance witnessed. Not once did the tech apologize.

To add insult to injury, I had to call the funeral owner about the awful service. He told me to figure it out with the tech company as they were a third party! I paid the funeral home for this service and yet they expected me to find resolution with their contractor. I did not get a resolution, the tech company refused to refund me and then demanded more money for the footage. I asked the funeral home owner to step in and help me. He didn't resolve anything, threw out an insulting low amount which I did not accept. I again reached out to the tech company to try and get them to understand my position, the footage would be all I had. They kept repeating a scripted apology but again refused to give me a full refund for the service and then changed their tune after speaking with the funeral home and stated 'footage was unrecoverable.'

My last communication was with the funeral owner, they got defensive when I pointed out the funds were paid to them and it should be refunded in full as I didn't receive the service I paid for and now I don't have any footage to remember the service . The owner literally told me to lawyer up and sue them before hanging up on me!

I am now in the process of having to take this company to court. I don't even have my husband's ashes yet from this crooked company. My panic attacks are now worse and I haven't been able to grieve properly because I'm so livid. 

 

 

 

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Oh my gosh!  I've never sued anyone in my life but I think it's definitely warranted here!  The question you have before you is if it will cause you MORE stress or alleviate some of it?  You have to ask yourself the what ifs of if it goes the way you hope or if it goes against you...and if you can handle it if it drags out.  Locally the courts are not processing anything "because of COVID," (I am so sick of courts and doctors not doing their jobs and blaming it on COVID, meanwhile we all suffer for it.)

I am just sick about what happened, anything else and you could get over it, but not something monumental and irreplaceable as this.  I honestly hope you have the fight in you and win, but that is a decision you have to make in your own best interest with the considerations I've mentioned.  I pray you make the decision you feel is best for you.

We all support your decision and are behind you.

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6 hours ago, Joan_s said:

I am now in the process of having to take this company to court. I don't even have my husband's ashes yet from this crooked company. My panic attacks are now worse and I haven't been able to grieve properly because I'm so livid. 

Joan_s:  How awful you are faced with this task especially at this time.  Keeping you in my thoughts.  I do hope this turns out positive for you.  Dee

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Wow, I don’t know how I would handle what happened to you!  I definitely see you want the footage and memories, but to have to take on suing them is monumental.  I hope you have someone to help you face this on top of your grief.  You may think it’s not in play with your anger, but it’s in there.  It never stops for anything.  The very fact this is about your husband keeps it forefront.  I’m in absolute disbelief reading your story.   Not about it happening, but the insensitivity and cruelty these companies have.  Yes, money is involved for business, but they lack any compassion.

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