Relationship ended due to that she lost her father

[CommanderCody]

Me and my  girlfriend  began the relationship last July 2020 and it ended on September 2020. When her dad passed away last august 2020 our relationship pretty much went downhill since then. She really got depressed on the loss of her father and I can't blame her for that. There were a lot of up and downs in our relationship before we even broke up. We broke up due to the reason that I became insecure because Im not really sure if she still has feelings for me because she was depressed and she doesn't say I love you back and didn't even greet me happy 2nd monthsary.

So we broke up because I became insecure and told me that she doesnt want the pressure of a relationship right now and doesnt want to be selfish to me -- but the following day we talked about it and decided to work out the relationship but the thing is if we're going to try to work it out it's going to be a " no labels no promises " type of thing and because I don't want to lose her, I agreed to that. We talked everyday and once a week saw each other for a month, and at the same time I was hoping that I could see some progress about her mental state.

On the 3rd week since we decided to work out the relationship, I thought she was getting back on track because I could see the enthusiasm on her replies, how fast she replies and so on. But the only problem is that when we're together, we didn't have that same energy like we used to, we would have close ended conversation personally and it's really not what how we talked to each other before her dad passed away.

On the 4th week, pretty much went downhill again. Her texts takes 4-5 hrs before she replies and she'll reply in an uninterested way and I'm thinking to myself like " what just happened?" because last week things were going good between us in chat. So I confronted her again ( my mistake in this is that I didn't show enough compassion but rather we talked in an argumentative way ) expressed my feelings I even told her that there's too many red flags in the relationship I just chose to ignore it and it led us to her wanting more space so I gave it to her. The problem with us during that time was that we couldn't understand each other -- I really tried to understand and show empathy but for some reason I don't know how to understand her because I was never in her position and I told her that. She even ended up showing a tear because I can't really understand her, she kept saying to me that " I thought you understand me but it's clear that you don't " And also she told me that I'm expecting something from her and I told her she's right. I was just expecting that she could talk to me in a proper way cause the way she replied to me that time was really uninterested on her part. 

We gave each other space for 12 hours to breath then we talked. She said her part and I said mine and we both apologized to each other and my apologies came from 2 things :

1. For not validating her feelings especially last night the way we talked to each other

2. For expecting that she could talk to me in a way that I had imagined

I even told her that we don't have to talk everyday and we could catch up whenever we want and feel to. I did this because in this way it would be much easier for me not to expect that she could talk to me in a more proper way. 

So we gave each other space and we didnt talk for mostly that whole week ( Oct 18 - 25)  and the following week ( Oct 25 - Nov 1 ) we talked for 2 days straight and her replies are getting good again. But right now she deactivated her facebook account and only left messenger and currently we're not talking as I'm also giving the respect of her wish about space.

We're on our way into becoming a toxic relationship due to stress, overly thinking, and the emotions were just too sad. It was a good thing that we both got some space because I got to think clearly. I do want to try and be there for her but at the same time I know this is going to be hard and I don't even deserve to be in this spot. We would talk on a regular basis just to say how are you and I try my best to make the conversation casual yet fun and it worked so far last week. 

Right now, November 3, 2020 -- we havent talked too much in the last 5 days. I messaged her last Sunday just to say that I was happy to see that she had a relaxing weekend with her family cos I saw her instagram story and we had a really small talk and she didn't reply to me but the following hours I saw her instagram story again and she posted this image and I was thinking to myself that maybe the reason she didn't reply to me is that wants more space now.

I hope somebody could reply to me cause this is the first time I was in a relationship and the first time I handled this type of situation on a girlfriend. I know I messed up a lot, there's much more details I didn't tell here. 

Thank you for those who are gonna reply. 

 

[Kieron]

Hey.  I don't see it as my place to comment on whether you "messed up a lot."   Since you asked for a reply, though, I will say a few things.

Unless I am mistaken, it looks like you have a LDR (long distance relationship), correct?  And the LDR started in July 2020?

If this is the case, then I would like to--very gently--point out that having romantic relationships through the medium of texting and social media leaves both parties with the following problems: misinterpretation, misunderstanding, and having feelings hurt by unexplained silences from the other person.  Without the clues of tone, pitch, volume, body language, eye gaze, and so on, we "read into" things that may not be there.

Also, don't forget, we humans are wired for that dopamine kick from the instant message notification.  Ding!  Incoming message!  Yay, I get my "fix"!  And then the letdown when you wait for the next message... and wait, and wait, and wait for something that takes forever to arrive. 

And I have not even addressed her loss, the gaping wound, the hole in her life where her dad used to be.  I interpret "last august" to be 2 months ago, August 2020?  Unless I am really mistaken, it's been probably 60 days since her dad died.  She's going to be out of her mind with disbelief, loss, anger, sadness, crying spells, numbness, and back to disbelief and all the rest of it.  I'm sure she doesn't know her own mind right now.   Her back-and-forth behavior is a clue about that.  That's what happens to us, because we're human.  Grief and loss scrambles our wiring for awhile and makes decision-making impossible.

I think your instinct to give her space is wise, considerate, and compassionate.  If I were in your place, I would make it clear that you wish her well and will respect her space while she grieves.  And then stick to that.

[CommanderCody]

@KieronHello Kieron, I appreciate your reply. Unfortunately we're not on LDR -- we still saw each other every week even after we broke up. It was really difficult for me to understand her during those times and that led to me doing things that would even damage our relationship even more. And you're right about the last sentence, right now the best thing that I could do is to give her the space that she fully needs even if that means if we're not going to talking everyday anymore. I don't even know if she'll talk to me in the following weeks or even think about me but one thing im certain of this time is to focus on myself and move on.  

[kayc]

I'm sorry you are going through this.  I want to correct one thing though...grief is not a mental state, it's a process we go through in the state of grieving...what she is going through is normal for grief.

I want you to understand that you could be the most understanding accomodating person in the world...and still lose her.  

10 hours ago, CommanderCody said:

she doesnt want the pressure of a relationship right now and doesnt want to be selfish to me

She cares about you but can't help how she's feeling.  It is a common grief response that those who are in a relationship cannot handle doing a relationship at the same time as grieving because they feel they "should" be doing this or that and cannot, they have nothing in them to give!  Every iota of their being is going towards grieving.  Any relationship talk is viewed as pressure and should be avoided.

I understand the position this puts you in.  You may be grieving losing this relationship.  I was engaged for a year and he broke up with me (by Fed Ex no less!) when his mom was dying.  
It is very likely that you will not have this relationship back as it was.  I don't say that from my experience alone, but the hundreds of threads in this section tell me that this is a classic response, out of hundreds of people who have posted here, I remember only one making it through intact...and the last response we got was only a couple months later so we don't really know if they even survived it intact.

9 hours ago, CommanderCody said:

one thing im certain of this time is to focus on myself and move on. 

My standard advice to people going through this IS to focus on themselves, the other person is in their grief by necessity, so this is a good time to work on yourself, devote time to family/friends, job, hobbies, classes, clean your house, etc...in other words, keep busy rather than obsessing about the other person (not saying you are, but it can happen when we have an abrupt loss like this).  

Also...remember, this is not about YOU.  It AFFECTS you, but this is about her and her grief, so try not to personalize, even though it FEELS personal!

Again, I am so sorry, I know how it feels.

[kayc]

I want to post this to help you understand her situation a little better and perhaps learn through this experience, not that I think you should necessarily be that person helping her with her grief.  She will likely want someone else to turn to as you are a reminder of what she feels she's failing at and "should" be doing.  Grievers must focus on getting through the moment however they can.

https://www.griefhealing.com/column-helping-another-in-grief.htm

[CommanderCody]

@kaycHi, Kay C, I really appreciate your thoughts on my situation. Just like what you said, it is very much unlikely that this situation of us will turn around and be just like what we used to be before her dad passed away and I agree with that. I just feel really sad at times thinking that even tho she's grieving right now, we could have avoided breaking up if it wasn't for me expressing my feelings and talking about our relationship -- my emotions got the best of me and that put us here in the first place. 

Right now the only thing that I can really do is to respect her wishes and give her the space she wants and let her reach out to me whenever she wants and that hurts on my side but it's something that I have to accept. I'm trying my best to be optimistic on our situation but also I'm preparing myself for the worst because this is something I can't control, this is her journey she needs to face alone. 

Last night we talked on messenger, we caught up with each other and she told me she's still on her vacation but I didn't ask who's she with because I didn't want to look like I'm worrying or look needy. I always acknowledge her for reaching out and told her last night " It was good to hear from you! Be safe always! Good night. " I really want to ask her out if she wants to do something but I know that it's a wrong move -- that I should let her ask me to meet up because I know that time she's ready for us to see each other again. 

[kayc]

13 hours ago, CommanderCody said:

we could have avoided breaking up if it wasn't for me expressing my feelings and talking about our relationship

Oh Hon, my heart is so sorry for you, I know the pain, I've been through this, over ten years ago, we learn from everything we go through, but I want to assure you that this is not your fault!  Had you said and done everything perfectly (which none of us do because we're human and we honestly don't realize what's happening and what to do), it would have most likely ended in the same way because this is about THEM and what they are going through, and not us.  It could have been us or anyone else and it would have had the same results.  It really is about them and their way of coping and how they respond in these situations.  Not everyone who grieves cuts off their partner, but enough do that tells me this is a classic grief response even though not all have it...we all handle our grief differently, some similarity, some uniqueness.  Personally, I would want a partner to go through thick and thin with, not cut me off with the rough times comes because it's not a matter of if, it's a matter of when.

Jim and I are good friends all these years later, he has his XW living with him the last few years, they aren't a "couple" but they are "family" if that makes sense.  I have a sort of friendship with her for cordiality sake but we have nothing in common beyond him.  When he was in the hospital a couple of years ago (he almost died), he told his daughter to call me, I was the only one he asked for.  I have come to realize over the years that we weren't meant to be a couple, but we make great friends.  Sometimes all works out as it should even when we can't see it at the time...and oh how I know it hurts at the time and is hard to go through.

It's okay to pour out your feelings here, know you're heard, we're here, listening and caring.

I think you're wise to take your cues from her.  I even had to become a little guarded, putting a wall up around my heart where he was concerned so as to protect myself emotionally as he was yanking me around emotionally...not on purpose by any means, but because he himself was confused at the time.

[CommanderCody]

9 hours ago, kayc said:

Personally, I would want a partner to go through thick and thin with, not cut me off with the rough times comes

This is what I was believing the first few days after her dad passed away, that she won't cut me off because if there's someone who she'll want to lean her thoughts and emotions on, it's got to be me. But how wrong was I that even I, her partner, would cut me off through her grieving process. I won't get angry with her for doing that cause I know for a fact she's doing her best to cope up with herself even if she's gonna do this alone or with her friends. 

 

[CommanderCody]

9 hours ago, kayc said:

It's okay to pour out your feelings here, know you're heard, we're here, listening and caring.

Thank you for this, Kay C. I appreciate the warm welcome. I guess it's clear to me now that the only thing I can do now is move on with my life, if it's meant to be, maybe we'll find our way back but if it's not then this is something I'm gonna charge to experience. 

I'm not going to bother her again as to respecting her wishes on her space, but if she reaches out to me then I'll entertain her for a bit but that's about it. I was planning to ask her out this week but I can see clearly now that it's going to be a bad move. 

[kayc]

Hang in there, it gets easier in time.

[CommanderCody]

1 minute ago, kayc said:

Hang in there, it gets easier in time.

I just want to ask, what does it mean if she still reaches out even if I don't make the first move into interacting with her? Or I don't have to give it any meaning?

[CommanderCody]

Update : she's ranting her family problems right now at me and I'm doing my best to show support and listen to her rants. 

[kayc]

I would not attribute anything to it other than she needs a friend right now, don't over-read into it, you're familiar and comfortable to her so she can let down with you.  If you can handle it as such, then listen, but if it's tearing you up inside, you need to do what you can to protect your emotions so you can heal from the relationship and in that case, I'd go no contact...usually when there is a break up that is necessary for self-healing and realization you're on your own.

[CommanderCody]

Is it normal that I don't feel any sad emotions whenever we talk to each other? Like I can talk to her casually and fun at the same time but I don't feel anything that could trigger my emotions like " when are we going back together? " when can i see you again? " I'm keeping it cool as I am avoiding her to feel that I'm longing to see her. Also I'm really filtering my words before I say it to her so that I wouldn't say something that could make our situation awkward ( like mentioning something about the past ) or make her annoyed at me. So far at the moment we're having a good conversation and before I end our conversation I would say to her " Hey, if you need anything, let me know, I'm here to listen. Good night! " 

Is what I'm doing okay? 

[kayc]

Yes, you are what I had to learn to do later on and that you can do it this soon is great, not weird at all!  I think it's very healthy that you're self-protecting.  But if it gets too hard for you emotionally or tears you up inside, I caution you to take the next step entering no contact.

[CommanderCody]

I'll take note of that. Thank you for your advice, Kay C. Is it okay if I keep updating you on this forum? 

[kayc]

Of course!  It'd be good to hear back from you!  Sometimes we wonder how people are doing but don't hear back...

[CommanderCody]

Thanks, Kay C. I'll keep you posted in the following days. Hopefully she would message me and we could talk sooner or later. 

[CommanderCody]

Hi, Kay C, I just want to vent out my feelings right now. 

I'm really sad at the moment due to that we haven't spoken for 4 days now and I haven't even seen any updates from her on her instagram stories but she tweeted the other day about a song saying " like a bridge over troubled water, I will lay me down "  and when I searched the meaning for the tweet I found out that it's something about someone who's needing in comfort but I'm not exactly sure if I should give her a message then because I don't want to disrupt the space that I'm giving her. 

Fast forwarding to yesterday,  I was feeling down the whole time that I can't avoid not thinking about Alek, my girlfriend. The saddest thing about it is when you're heartbroken, I can't avoid reminiscing on the good times we both had and that had hurt me -- I can't even close my eyes properly without thinking about us before. 

I even talked to my dad last night saying how sad I am feeling and wanting to message her but I know that it would be a bad move and my dad agrees. 

As of right now at 9:50 am, I have cried more than I have cried in the past couple of weeks. I cried today like how I cried the day after we broke up -- I was bursting into tears. I'm feeling empty right now, got all these thoughts about worrying if she's going to text me again, if we're going to be talking again or even see each other again. I even got to the point today that I kneeled down in the church praying for my feelings and how hard it is for the both of us and how I'm really feeling sad. I still prayed for her and hoping that she's doing well. I'm trying to divert my attention by doing the things that I do but I can't get her out of my mind. 

 

 

[CommanderCody]

Update : she messaged me as of the moment just asking how i am 

[kayc]

I'm leaving for surgery shortly, won't be able to type afterwards as it's my right hand.

I know exactly what you are saying & feeling, having been there.  I think I bawled for the first maybe two months, I can't remember but even felt sad after that for quite a while.  It does eventually lessen.  I think you're making the right call by not contacting her but of course it's up to you.  Any contact you have with her will prolong your healing at this point, it takes realizing you aren't a couple any more and that can take time to fully realize in your heart.  I prefer to be with someone who wants to go through thick and thin together, not dump me when tough things come, like loss, because life guarantees that will come, it's just a matter of when.  Keep this uppermost in your mind and let your head rule over your heart right now.  Remember, your heart is broken and not at it's best for making judgment calls.  I pray you can have some smiles in your day as well.

[CommanderCody]

12 hours ago, kayc said:

I prefer to be with someone who wants to go through thick and thin together, not dump me when tough things come, like loss, because life guarantees that will come, it's just a matter of when. 

Honestly this is what I am preferring also. Can I blame her for breaking up with me during her toughest moments? I try to deny to myself that she did it with a reason and out of love because she don't want to be selfish to me and I understand that ( this is the slightest reason that I still cling on to ) -- and also that someday she might come back but I honestly know for a fact that things won't go back to the way they were IF we ever get back together. I'm not even sure if I should check up on her sometimes but if ever I will be doing that, the reason would be that I just want her to know that I'm still here if she needs a shoulder to cry on.

Is this the wrong mindset to have especially since I've burst into tears yesterday that I thought that I won't be doing anymore cause I'm slowly moving on but it's clear to me that there's still pain inside me.  

I wish you a speedy recovery on your surgery! I hope I could talk to you soon again. 

 

[kayc]

Whatever you feel is okay!  Feelings in and of themselves are neither good or bad, it's our actions we have to consider.  You're bound to have mixed feelings about everything right now, in time you will be able to forgive her...it's a determination, not a feeling.
Let go of the hope of your relationship returning to pre-loss/grief stage.  I've read all of the posts in this section and only remember one that made it through intact, after two months, never heard back to confirm the long-term outcome of it.  There are literally hundreds of threads here.

[CommanderCody]

Thanks, Kay C. 

Right now I'm considering on not talking to her for a while even if she reaches out to me. I'm not sure if I should let her know that I want to move on from this and not talk to her anytime soon or just ignore her messages etc. 

One of the best things that we were doing when we were a couple or even after we broke up was that we are open in communicating each other's feelings. We want to let the other person know how we feel. I feel like she deserve that I should let her know that I won't be replying to her message or basically talk to her so she won't feel offended or hurt in thinking that I'm ignoring her -- or should I just completely shut her out? 

[kayc]

I think it goes w/o saying if she broke off with you, she surely understands that her actions took her away from you and you have to get through this however you can.  No need to explain yourself as that can open a dialog back & forth that will take you nowhere and be painful.