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Relationship ended due to that she lost her father


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Although I recognize that it is your choice to make, I'm amazed at how willing you are to twist yourself into a pretzel so as to remain a friend to this lady and sustain a relationship with her. Havin

I want to post this to help you understand her situation a little better and perhaps learn through this experience, not that I think you should necessarily be that person helping her with her grief. 

Oh Hon, my heart is so sorry for you, I know the pain, I've been through this, over ten years ago, we learn from everything we go through, but I want to assure you that this is not your fault!  Had yo

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Surely do!  Sending you thoughts of peace & comfort and hopes for clarity of mind as you heal!

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I think that often, people may not have anything to give during a time of grief, and the romantic relationship they had is the victim. Our friends have lower expectations. Our jobs may be a distraction from the grief. Maturity helps (sometimes). But even with maturity, a lot of long-term relationships and marriages fall apart with the death of a child.

I doubt there was anything you could have said or done to make the outcome different. 

Nora McInerny has a funny and poignant TED talk about losing her husband. I wouldn't equate the loss of a relationship or any other loss to death. But she makes an interesting point: the losses we suffer mark us as much as the happy experiences, and the relationships we engage in throughout our life don't compete with one another. They are, as she put it, "strands of the same thread."

Sorry for your loss.

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Hi @ipswitch,

Thank you for those words. 

Right now I'm slowly starting to accept the fact that this is something I have to live with -- that the memories we once shared are now the thing of the past. I know to myself that this situation of hers is something that I cannot control and I just should let life handle it. It sucks on some point because I thought I was going to be the person who she'll be crying all her problems with but it didn't turn out to be the way that I expected. 

The pain is still there in my heart and I have to accept the reality that things will never go back to the way they were before she was grieving. From time to time I still tear up whenever I get to think about how happy we are for a moment in time. But I understand her reason for breaking up with me -- that it was in her best interest so that she wouldn't want to be selfish to me also. 

On the first few weeks when we broke up I tried to force an outcome by expecting that if I do some effort to make her happy, it will somehow help in her grieving process and start talking to me in a way on how we were talking before but obviously it didn't work. 

As of the moment we haven't talked for 4 days now and I'm getting used to the reality that sooner or later we won't be talking anymore for a long period of time. I'm moving on aswell and making myself busy and trying to improve myself -- showing her on social media how happy I am even without her.

I hate that we're in this position right now because we both didn't deserved this -- I still continue to pray for her and  wish her well that may she be able to cope up with her own personal problems even without me by her side. 

 

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Hi @kayc,

I just want to give you an update

We talked last thursday ( there was a huge storm that hit our country ) she messaged me just to say that  " hope you and your family are safe! " and I replied after 9 hours. She replied back within an hour and we talked for a while but I talked to her in an uninterested way but she kept telling me stories about how she almost lost her father's pendant and stuff like that but I didn't really entertain her stories and I think that she felt that I'm no longer interested or trying to move on...

Right now, its been 4 days since we last talked and I don't know if she will be hitting me up again due to that how I talked to her the last time we had a conversation. 

She still views my instagram stories though so I guess I could say that she  still wants to know what's happening in my day?

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Keep EVERYTHING that has transpired in mind when you talk, don't get caught up in the moment, let your head speak to you.  Everything is a balance.  Will wait to hear how things went.  Keep in mind that past behavior is a predictor of future behavior, in other words, caution.  Wishing you the best...

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Hi @kayc we've talked last night and everything went great. I will be sharing with you the things she said to me and what I've said back to her -- and also I'm going to be asking some questions regarding the story I will be telling. So here's what happened : 

She told me last night that " I just want to say thank you because even though you cant understand me or even that you're not in my situation, I know that you know this is hard for me. From day 1 you've been very supportive even tho I have hurt you. It was never my intention to hurt you. I guess Im just so unfamiliar with what's going on around me, even I don't know what I should do. Thank you for giving me the space I needed. I mean I still feel lost, sometimes my chest feels easy but most of the time it still feel heavy. "

I told her " Hey, you dont have to worry if you've hurt me because I understand now the reason why that happened and I have accepted it -- even the both of us didnt want this to happen. You're welcome. I just want to give you your wish because you're right in the way that you're the only one who can help yourself and I respect that. "

She then said " I just feel like somehow I'm being unfair to you. I dont know why I feel like that. I feel so selfish because you should not even experience this. " 

And I told her " I cant blame you if youre feeling that way but I understand that you can't really give your best right now and I accept that. I chose to be with you from the very start and I know the possibilities on what could happen but I went with it anyway. Don't be too hard on yourself"

She then said " I know. But I cant help it. " 

Then I told her " Hey, I want you to know that I will never be mad for what happened to us even if we became a mess at some point. "

She then replied with this emoji 🥺 and she said " I want to make this work but I also want to take things slow " 

And I replied with " I'm down with that. Lets discuss that. What do you mean by taking things slow? So Im also aware. "

She then replied with " I guess we could start taking things day by day?

I replied with " Okay. What else is in your mind by taking things slow? " and she said that she cant think of anything else at the moment and asked me if I have somehting in mind. I told her that " I want to set a boundary because I feel like the reason we became a mess before is due to the lack of boundaries. " 

Then she asked me " Okay, what are the boundaries? " 

I told her " The boundary on my mind is to still give you the space that you need " and I asked her if she has any boundary to set and she said that she doesnt have anything in the moment but will tell me if she can think of something. After that I ended our conversation and said my good night. 

The questions I want to ask you are : 

1. What is your interpretation when she said " I guess we could start taking things day by day? " ?

2. Since we've agreed to start working out the relationship again, does this mean she's ready to see me or even talk to me on a regular/daily basis? 

3. Should  have I said that I want to indicate the PRIORITIES instead of BOUNDARIES? ( cause I feel like I created a barrier between us that instead of maybe talking regularly, it would be limited only to a number of days because I set a boundary on giving her more space. ) 

4. What are the advice you could give me on our situation right now & the mistakes I need to avoid?

 

Please feel free to share your thoughts on the conversation we had -- I want to hear on what you have to say. Thank you, Kay C!  

 

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Hi, @kayc

I just want to give you an update : 

We just finished talking together on video call via messenger. I'm honestly disappointed because this is the first time we have seen each other face to face on video call since October 18 and the way she talked to me is still the same way on how she talks to me even on the last time we saw each other personally -- uninterested, no energy, lack of enthusiasm. I was kinda hoping that she would talk to me in a energetic way because if you haven't seen someone for a long time you would be excited to be talking to them but that didn't happen to us earlier.

I tried to make the conversation work by sharing stories and asking her how she is since the past month and she would reply " same old same old " and you could hear in her voice on how she wasn't interested into talking to me. She then asked me how was I and I replied to her question. 

Here is the most red flag part, I told her the purpose on why did I ask to have video call with her and its because I wanted to ask her how much space does she need right now. She then replied " I dont really know how much space I need, I'm just going with the flow " and I was honestly shocked behind my head because that's not the answer I was hoping for. I was hoping to hear since she told me that she wants this to work, she would give me a specific answer and not an " I dont know, I'm just going with the flow " 

Right now, I don't really know what to feel about this. If there is something to be hoping for even if she said last night that she wanted to work things between us. Judging on how our conversation transpired, her words didn't match her actions. Is that red flag enough or its still too early to say?

My dad even told me to just move on even if she said those things last night, that I would just make myself suffer if I continue to hang on to this because even I can see the picture clearly but kept denying it. 

I think you don't have to answer anymore of my questions on my previous update, I think it's kinda clear to me as of the moment. I was planning to try to ask her out this weekend but I don't think its best right now to even ask her to out -- not after how she still talks to me the same way she has been even when we last saw each other personally. 

Any thoughts, Kay C?

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Just a small update

She messaged me an hour ago just asking how much the paratha in our area costs? ( because we went there before to eat ) and I replied " Around 50-65 PHP " and she replied back " Much cheaper! " 

I don't plan on replying anymore not after how our conversation on video call went. I feel like she's just trying to see if I was somehow affected on how she talked to me earlier. I clearly stated last month when we had our argument before she asked for more space that whenever she talks to me, I don't feel the energy or enthusiasm anymore. I was hoping that since we took this space, she would reflect on that and talk to me more properly when we have a face to face conversation but no -- the way she talks to me is still the same. 

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11 hours ago, CommanderCody said:

1. What is your interpretation when she said " I guess we could start taking things day by day? " ?

2. Since we've agreed to start working out the relationship again, does this mean she's ready to see me or even talk to me on a regular/daily basis? 

3. Should  have I said that I want to indicate the PRIORITIES instead of BOUNDARIES? ( cause I feel like I created a barrier between us that instead of maybe talking regularly, it would be limited only to a number of days because I set a boundary on giving her more space. ) 

4. What are the advice you could give me on our situation right now & the mistakes I need to avoid?

Day by day sounds to me she doesn't want to throw in the towel but can't think about commitment at this point either.
See/talk on regular basis?  That could change from day to day depending on how she's feeling.  I wouldn't lean on "relationship" talk.
Priorities seems more applicable than boundaries, you might correct that term with her.
Don't worry about what you do/don't have with her, take it as it comes.

2 hours ago, CommanderCody said:

uninterested, no energy, lack of enthusiasm

This is about her grief journey, it's not a reflection on you or your relationship or even the underlying feelings she has for you, try not to personalize her grief reactions, because that's what it is.  Otherwise you may not be up to this for the long haul, her lack of enthusiasm is something she'll likely be combating for a very long time.  You may want to learn about the grief process.
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/08/grief-understanding-process.html It's very individual and varies. It's common to feel depressed, uninterested in things.  If you have questions about it, ask away, I've lived with grief for years and years!

My mantra is one day at a time!

6 minutes ago, CommanderCody said:

I don't plan on replying anymore not after how our conversation on video call went. I feel like she's just trying to see if I was somehow affected on how she talked to me earlier.

Don't read too much into this or overthink it.  If you do you could unwittingly self sabotage.

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It's so difficult not to over read into it because her actions says louder than words. I'm trying my best to understand her but Its not going to be easy... 

I know that I have to prolong my patience if this is something I'm in the long haul for

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2 hours ago, CommanderCody said:

her actions says louder than words. I'm trying my best to understand her but Its not going to be easy... 

Yes. And you're trying your best to understand a person who doesn't even understand herself right now . . . 

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Read everything you can about grief, it may help you understand a bit, although personally I think one has to experience it themselves to truly get it.

http://www.griefhealing.com/column-helping-another-in-grief.htm
https://www.gq.com/story/how-to-support-your-partner-through-grief

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9 hours ago, MartyT said:

. And you're trying your best to understand a person who doesn't even understand herself right now .

You're exactly right about that. I think the best way that I can do right now is even if she herself told me that she wants to work it out with me, I shouldn't expect as much because she isn't in the right place to give something emotionally right now. 

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Hi @kayc

I just want to give you an update : 

It's been 3 days straight that we've been talking and right now it's a saturday and I just wished her a great weekend early in the morning and she wished me the same back. I'm not sure if I should be the one who'll hit her up and start a conversation right now cause I don't want to overdo talking to her on a daily basis. 

I just want to ask is it alright if I won't be talking to her the whole weekend or the following days after that if she wont message me first? I'm planning on just letting her come to me whenever she feels to. Because even tho we both agreed to work out the relationship again, I want to let her know and feel that I'm not focusing on her and fixing the relationship right now -- that I'm just going with the flow also ( just like what she said ) and since I've told her that the priority right now should be focusing on ourselves and our plans, I feel like if I even message her just to say " hey how are you? " would let her know that I'm still chasing or clinging onto fixing the relationship. 

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I would let her set the pace, if she wants space she'll take it, if she wants you in her life, she knows where you are.  If she ever asks why you don't initiate, let her know you're being respectful of her wishes.  If she wants to change things, she can say so.  You're following the last directive given...

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Exactly! I also don't want her to sense that I'm overly excited that we're both talking again and she may get that sort of feeling if I continue to always initiate conversation with her. And if she does, that might give her a reason to back off a little bit because she'll get a gut feeling that I'm focused on her, where all she wants right now is taking things slow and/or a friend. 

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Hi, @kayc

I just want to give you another update : 

Alek messaged me just a few moments ago and she asked if I am free on the weekend and I replied I'm not yet sure because me and my friends are also discussing about our plans for the weekend and I asked her why. She then told me " My college friends invited me to go on an overnight trip in Pampanga ( a province in Philippines ) but I don't want to go alone because Josh is there ( her ex who treated her very badly ) I mean, I'm not yet sure if I'm still going " and I just proceeded to tell her " Alrightt, I'll let you know few days before the weekend regarding our plan " and she just said "okayyyy"

I don't plan on ditching my friends because we've already set the plan -- but should I accompany her incase she plans on going to Pampanga?  Since I know how bad her ex treated her badly, I doubt that she'll even be going alone. My questions now is, would it be okay if I ask her if she wants to come with me and my friends instead or should I come with her to Pampanga? My friends and I would be hiking and swimming in a waterfall and I think she could use some of that activity. 

I don't want to overthink it but why do I feel like she only asked me to come just to shield her from her ex and not actually want to see or be with me? Or am I the only one thinking about that? That's why since she's still undecided if she'll be going or not, I'm planning to ask her to come along with us on our trip just to see if she DOES actually wants to be with me and not to be some bodyguard.

I also want you to understand that the reason she is asking for me to come is because the relationship Alek and Josh had in the past was very abusive. He would hurt her physically, verbally, and emotionally. So I really get it Alek doesn't want to be around him no more and why she has asked me to be with her.

What do you think, Kay C? 

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I think offering the alternative plan would be good because it'd let you know the answer to your question, also allay her fears about seeing her ex.  You already have your plans set so I would not cancel them, not fair to your friends, and also would not be a good message to her because it would make her think no matter howl she treats you, you're ready for more of the same and anxious to be with her!  (This is a time to maintain your dignity/self-respect rather than grovel for crumbs.)  In no way should she even CONSIDER being near her ex, not safe!  I would go to great lengths NOT to be around my first husband because he was extremely violent and dangerous!  Not because I fear him any more, but it's just smart!

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12 hours ago, kayc said:

and also would not be a good message to her because it would make her think no matter howl she treats you, you're ready for more of the same and anxious to be with her!

exactly the same thought that I'm thinking. I don't really want her to feel that I'm chasing and relationship focused right now.

I'm going to talk to her later and ask her first what's her decision before I invite her then I'll ask if she wants to come with me. I'll update you later! 

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Hi @kayc,

I want to give you an update : 

I messaged her at 3:20 pm then she replied back at 4:02 but I wasn't able to reply immediately cause my wifi was off -- at 4:30, I replied " Hey! I just want to ask, did you already decide if you're going to Pampanga?" then she replied immediately and said " I'm not sure if I want to go... why? " then I told her " I see. My plans for this weekend is a go. Do you want to come with me to Lucena? We're gonna be hiking then swimming in the waterfalls! " then she replied " Who's gonna be coming? " then I told her " My high school friends from Qatar. We're only 4. " The last message I sent was clocked at 4:42 pm but she didn't reply back yet -- and its 7:03 pm now, take note it has been almost 3 hours since I last messaged her -- we were talking on a fast pace just 3 hours ago to her not replying for 3 hours now after I told her that my plans are set and asked if she wants to come with me. That's so funny to think about. 

She may not yet reply to me if she wants to come or not but the amount of time she lets pass by tell me a lot about her answer and that there is a hidden agenda behind her asking me to come with her to Pampanga...

Any thoughts? 

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Just another update

She just replied just now after 2 hours and 40 minutes. She just said " Oh okayyy I don't know yet... " then I didn't reply for an hour then she messaged me again saying " You're staying there the whole day or for the whole weekend? " And I just replied with " We will be coming back to Manila first thing in the morning. Why? " 

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So is she wanting someone there with her to make the ex jealous?

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