Relationship ended due to that she lost her father

[CommanderCody]

12 hours ago, kayc said:

So is she wanting someone there with her to make the ex jealous?

I don't think so. I just have a feeling she wants me to be around so her ex wont bother her -- and also that her friends could meet me since they've been longing to meet me before. But since I've told her that I won't be coming with her to Pampanga and go on with my plans instead, all of those things she planned on her head won't matter anymore. And plus, I'm not her boyfriend anymore, why would I even meet her friends?

[CommanderCody]

Hi, @kayc I hope everything is good with you. I just want to give you an update regarding the situation : 

For the past few days Alek and I are continuing talking to each other on a daily basis but we only keep it to a really small talk. She would usually message me first just asking how am I -- and I would initiate conversation with her and the rest follows.

Regarding the plan I told you about inviting her to come with me, she wanted to but just couldn't make it for a reason and I understand her reason and it's valid. It's sunday now but last Thursday she asked me if I am free for Friday so we both could hangout but I told her I was busy last Friday and I suggested maybe we could reschedule on Monday. And last night she just told me that she's free for Monday and we will be seeing each other tomorrow after 6 weeks. 

I don't know what to do to make our hangout tomorrow fun but I'll try to entertain her with my stories ( especially since she saw my stories earlier about our hiking and falls trip )

Is there anything you could advise for tomorrow? 

[kayc]

No, other than try not to get your hopes up too high, go slow/cautious for your own sake.

[CommanderCody]

Hi @kayc

Here's another update :

Yesterday we both saw each other. I picked her up from her house and we went to a shopping mall after. During our trip on the way to the mall, we both had small conversations at first -- I was telling her stories about my hiking trip and some things I've been doing in the past month. After I told my stories, we went silent for a moment then she started telling her stories and she first told me that she got a job now and I congratulated her for it and after a while into her story telling, she dropped a tear when she mentioned an issue in her family right now and told me " I told myself I won't be crying today " and then I did what I know should do -- I muted the music and started listening to her. The whole time she cried and ranted her problems at me, I shut my mouth and opened my ears. She even included that a friend of hers were asking her if Alek and I are still together ; also her big sister, when she found out that we were broken up, she told Alek " why did you break up with him? he was supportive of us from the start " and Alek told me after " I even told you the reason why we broke up right" at that moment when she told me that I know she wants me understand the reason why we broke up (because maybe her sister didn't ) and I just stood silence. After I knew she's done ranting her problems at me, I focused on the only positive thing she said and it was the job she recently had and I told her " I'm happy for you that you have a job right now " and after awhile we began to have a more fun conversation and it led us to laughing with each other until we got to the shopping mall. 

At the shopping mall, everything was good! I didn't try to reach out my hand to her so we could be holding hands while walking. I just really took it slow. The whole time we would go from store to store and check something out, she eventually did bought a shirt and a brand new eye glasses. While roaming around the shopping mall we would also have some conversations.

After the shopping mall we decided to get something to eat and we drove to the restaurant right after. On the way to the restaurant, she picked up where we last cut off the topic about her problems and she told me " That's my drama story" And I told her " thank you for sharing it with me. I know you have trust issues right now and I can't blame you for that. You can trust me"  we would have some conversations after that and there was this one conversation where I just asked her something related to what we were talking about then when she answered my question I jokingly told her " that's not the answer I was expecting " and she told me " here we go again with the expectations " and I just realized on that moment that what word I used was a total mistake! I just kept silent and didn't explain myself because I didn't mean it the way she interpreted it to be. 

At the restaurant, nothing much happened. We just ate and have some talk.

After the restaurant I drove her back home. On the way, at first we were quiet for some time even when at traffic but she opened a topic and we both had a conversation. We went to talk about her family problems the most the whole time and I would just listen as she rants and give a small reply to what she says and she would continue on talking. I noticed that whenever she would talk to me about her problems, she really has a lot to say -- that she would go on talking and talking. We both even discussed about time being so fast and I asked her if she wants to go back in time where would she go first etc. When I dropped her home we just said goodbyes to each other and I told her to take care for her errands the following day. 

Earlier this day, she messaged me and said " Hey, I just want to say thank you for listening to my rants yesterday! " And I replied " Hey! You're always welcome!! I also want to say that I'm proud of you on how you handle your problems "  and we had a small convo after that and I didn't reply.  

Last night was the most conversation we both had with each other personally since September? Cause whenever I try to recall it, yesterday was the most stories we've exchanged with each other after a long time. 

I would say I'm proud for how I acted around her. I didn't force any outcome, I listened to her ( but right now I feel that after she ranted me her problems on our way to the mall, I should have said something to validate her feelings -- not just say how happy I was for her for her job. What you think? ), I just kept it casual, talked to her like how I would talk to my friends, & didn't expect anything. 

I also want to ask, is it alright to say " you're always welcome or you're welcome " when someone thanks you for listening to them? what could I have said better? 

I would love to hear your thoughts on my story, Kay C! 

[kayc]

You did well, you might try restating what she said to you, making sure you understand right and showing clarification & validating her feelings.  Understand it's really hard for this to go on, you feeling you have to constantly measure what you say and not feeling you can be yourself and it all being one sided.  Yes, in a relationship sometimes it's more giving but also you're just as important.

[CommanderCody]

15 hours ago, kayc said:

Understand it's really hard for this to go on, you feeling you have to constantly measure what you say and not feeling you can be yourself and it all being one sided.

I do understand. What I'm trying to do right now is still trying to be there for her as a friend ( even if we both agreed to work this out ). I'm also letting her set the pace, I'm not the one who's reaching out first. 

Speaking of constantly measure, I do filter most of my words before I say it to her because I don't know how she will react to it and it's difficult to be honest. I try to be myself when we were together last time, I'm acting how she first knew me -- cracking a joke & having a sense of humor, but at the same time I'm displaying to her the new me, not the one who she saw last time. I do feel if we both continue to do this, there will be a circumstance where in it's really going to be one sided.

Any more advice for me?  

Also, I want to add : when we talked on our way to the shopping mall the other day, she mentioned to me that it irritates her whenever people ask her " how are you? " because its obvious that she isn't feeling alright. I don't know also how to ask her how is she doing without it irritating her. Do you have any suggestions what to say instead?

[kayc]

I understand...perhaps ask her something more specific rather than general.  And give her an "out" if she's not comfortable with talking about it.  For instance, "I understand if you'd rather not talk about it, but I'm wondering how you're feeling about___?  Grievers don't know how to respond to "How are you?"  They want to snap back, "How the hell do you THINK I'm feeling!  My ___ just died, this/that is happening, my life feels out of control!"  But they're too polite to say it and don't want to run people off.  They realize people mean well, just would rather they think about how it's potentially taken/felt before speaking.

Here's an article on it: http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/10/in-grief-responding-to-how-are-you.html

Constantly feeling you have to be careful of everything you say isn't always sustainable long term unless we naturally do that all of the time with people.

[MartyT]

 

 

8 hours ago, CommanderCody said:

I do filter most of my words before I say it to her because I don't know how she will react to it and it's difficult to be honest.

Although I recognize that it is your choice to make, I'm amazed at how willing you are to twist yourself into a pretzel so as to remain a friend to this lady and sustain a relationship with her. Having to censor everything you say before you say it and analyzing whatever you've already said to someone must be exhausting. Some would even consider it humiliating. I cannot help but wonder how long you can set aside your own needs and your own spontaneity in order to sustain what looks to be a mostly one-sided relationship. Can you honestly be your authentic self with this person? 

[CommanderCody]

12 hours ago, kayc said:

Constantly feeling you have to be careful of everything you say isn't always sustainable long term unless we naturally do that all of the time with people.

I don't do it all the time with my friends or other people but of course I'm aware of the things I should say in general, in avoidance of getting other's offended or such. But I feel like I have carried this habit of "constantly filtering my words" even to my friends, where in for instance I would really construct my sentence well before saying it to them.

[CommanderCody]

19 hours ago, MartyT said:

Having to censor everything you say before you say it and analyzing whatever you've already said to someone must be exhausting.

It really is exhausting as a matter of fact. I'm not gonna lie there. It's really difficult to censor a sentence and analyzing each word before I even say it -- and once I have said it and she reacts in a different way, I'm constantly thinking " was there something wrong from what I have said?" Even I am amazed how long could I be this " stupid " into trying to work this out with her, but I know there's nothing for me here, there's nothing she could even offer me at this moment. 

and to answer your last question : no, I know for a fact that I can't always be my authentic self while I'm around her. The fun, playful, enthusiastic, charismatic, person I once knew that she was is really gone now. It's difficult to maintain that balance around her especially since I'm a humorous person.  

[kayc]

21 hours ago, kayc said:

Constantly feeling you have to be careful of everything you say isn't always sustainable long term unless we naturally do that all of the time with people.

It's sad but the person she fell for doesn't have room to exist in this context. 

[CommanderCody]

17 minutes ago, kayc said:

It's sad but the person she fell for doesn't have room to exist in this context

based on your experience and all of the similar stories you encountered that I've been going through, even though she still wants to work it out and judging from the previous story I've shared, what's your estimate ratio on us making it work? 

[selena1988]

5 hours ago, CommanderCody said:

based on your experience and all of the similar stories you encountered that I've been going through, even though she still wants to work it out and judging from the previous story I've shared, what's your estimate ratio on us making it work? 

Hi,

I'm not the person you asked, but I want to share my thoughts. Hopefully I don't come across as "hard" and/or judging by mentioning this... 

In my personal opinion; you should never stay with someone if you want them to change. What you see is normally what you get, and unfortunately it takes a lot of personal strength to try to change patterns. 

At the end of the day, you probably want to spend the rest of your life with this person. Sure, grief is extreme, but we all know life is full of bumps. I understand that it's hard to bring their best selves to the table, but honestly; there's no reason to treat anyone poorly. 

Chances are, this girl is likely to react the same time when another difficult situation happens. Are you okay to live with someone who shuts herself out and can't communicate through her bad times?

Also, you were only two months in when this incident happened. People often show theirselves from their best side during "the honeymoob phase." It's likely that you probably would have picked up on traits you didn't appreciate later on.

Regardless... it's difficult to be there for someone who can't accept support. You can only invest so much from your end without her cooperation. 

To me, it sounds like you're her safety net, and I'm sorry to be blunt, but you sound like a good and caring person who deserves to be treated with appreciation and kindness. 

 

[kayc]

Of the hundreds who have posted in this section, none, but you can't compare to others or expect this to turn out the same.  She is still showing some interest in continuing at least a friendship so that's hopeful.  I just don't know how long it's sustainable under these circumstances, esp with it being 99-1 effort.  My advice...set a time frame for which you do this and if nothing improves during that, then you know your answer.  I would not continue forever in limbo with you tiptoeing around her and expending all of the effort...THAT is not sustainable for long term.  Respect yourself enough to gift yourself that.

6 hours ago, selena1988 said:

you sound like a good and caring person who deserves to be treated with appreciation and kindness. 

Amen to that!

[CommanderCody]

Hi @selena1988, 

I appreciate your thoughts on my situation. I'm glad to hear an opinion from another perspective. 

I agree with almost everything you have said, they make total sense -- from bringing their best selves to the table until to me being her safety net. But I'm believing that you might have taken a misconception about her accepting support. She recognizes my outmost support in her time of grief, even her sister was shocked when she found out recently that we've broken up because I was very supportive to them from the beginning but our relationship fell apart. 

15 hours ago, selena1988 said:

Also, you were only two months in when this incident happened. People often show theirselves from their best side during "the honeymoob phase." It's likely that you probably would have picked up on traits you didn't appreciate later on.

I really agree with you on this statement. On the first few weeks when we've broken up, I kept constantly thinking about this. I've been asking myself that " it's only been 2 months since we've become a couple but this already happened to us. What more if we continued the relationship? " I'm not blaming the death of her father. I'm saying she really handles her own personal problems differently. But I get her point on why she chose to break us up it's because she doesn't want to be selfish and she can't meet my expectations at the moment. I also know people handle their problems or grief differently but I really wished that she didn't cut me out of it. I also wish she realizes by now that if I'm still supportive of her until now, what more if she didn't break us up? 

I know I deserve better than this. I don't really know why I'm still hoping there's a chance to fix this. The attraction is dead. The love we once shared is not there right now. But I still care and love her and I feel she still (care) does too. As day goes by, I'm slowly accepting the fact that sooner or later she may be out of my life and it's something that I should be brave enough to face to.

[CommanderCody]

@kayc

I understand. I'll give her until this December and if still nothing happens, I'm leaving everything this 2020 and I'm not gonna look back. 

[kayc]

7 hours ago, CommanderCody said:

But I still care and love her and I feel she still (care) does too.

This is what love is.  It's not about attraction or feelings, honestly, it's sticking through even the hard times, together.  It's loving the other even when they annoy you or are their most unlovable.  You, my friend, love.  

7 hours ago, CommanderCody said:

I know I deserve better than this.

I prefer to be with someone who would stick through thick and thin with me, no matter what comes along in life.  I only had that once, with my George, and he died all too soon.  I've not met anyone in my vicinity I'd even consider dating, but I'm older, not like when I was young, nor is their much choice here, but I do love where I live for the community feel and the wildlife and nature, it's beautiful!  I read a book years ago called Pathways to the Soul, it talked about the different ways our souls are fed, mine seems to be nature, I've always felt close to God in nature.  Some it's liturgy, I think there were four pathways.  None better than the other, not right or wrong, just different as we are each unique.  So it looks like my lone trail the last 15 1/2 years is likely to continue unless God chooses to put someone in my path.  I know the young people do online dating...not for me.

7 hours ago, CommanderCody said:

I'll give her until this December and if still nothing happens, I'm leaving everything this 2020 and I'm not gonna look back. 

It sounds wise to have a plan in place.  Are you talking this month or a year from now?

[CommanderCody]

16 hours ago, kayc said:

This is what love is.  It's not about attraction or feelings, honestly, it's sticking through even the hard times, together.  It's loving the other even when they annoy you or are their most unlovable.  You, my friend, love.  

Is moving on and letting her go for my own benefit means that I love her? Because I'm thinking sometimes that what if she needs me and since I'm moving on or had moved on, I won't be able to be there for her. Do you feel like a few months from now she'll come to her senses and realizes how much a mistake she had done about breaking us up? 

 

16 hours ago, kayc said:

Are you talking this month or a year from now?

I'm talking about this month. I don't think I can wait a year wishing and hoping that our situation may turn around. By next year I'm moving forward with my life, with or without her, and start doing the purpose that I have found when we took space from each other last November. 

[kayc]

It's hard telling if she'll realize it or not.  I just hope you fully grasp that your decision is NOT selfish, it's important to value yourself and your actions to reflect that.  Are you going to discuss this with her ahead of time?  Again, self-preserve what you know is in your own best interest...you can be sure she is doing exactly that for herself!

[CommanderCody]

6 minutes ago, kayc said:

Are you going to discuss this with her ahead of time? 

I'm not even sure if I should discuss with her that I want to move on from our relationship. 

I remember you've mentioned a while back that " it goes without saying since she broke up with you. She surely understand that her actions took her away from you and you have to get through this however you can. No need to explain yourself as that can open a dialogue "

I'm just confused right now on what to do. Should I even discuss this with her? 

We haven't talked for 4 days now. But I just finished playing a game on ps4 with her little brother. Is that too much? should I be avoiding doing that? Cause her brother and I really plays video games together. 

[kayc]

I was NOT saying you should, merely asking a question, it sounds like you don't intend to, that's fine.  Only you can decide whether or not to continue video games with her brother.  Breakups have fallout, unfortunately, on others.  This month will decide it's own course, time enough to figure it out then.

Since the time I've told you 

4 minutes ago, CommanderCody said:

I remember you've mentioned a while back that " it goes without saying since she broke up with you. She surely understand that her actions took her away from you and you have to get through this however you can. No need to explain yourself as that can open a dialogue "

you have had much more interaction with her.  You've also expended much more in the relationship, regardless of what it is.  You can honestly say you've given it your all, but please realize you are not a bottomless pit, everyone has their limits.  It might be different if you were married, but this was a fairly new relationship!  I recall your asking yourself once what more you'd realize on down the road if it continued.

[CommanderCody]

3 minutes ago, kayc said:

You can honestly say you've given it your all, but please realize you are not a bottomless pit, everyone has their limits.

Yeah... I guess we could say that I really did try my best but unfortunately it's not enough... 

 

5 minutes ago, kayc said:

This month will decide it's own course, time enough to figure it out then.

Yeah, I will keep updating you! I really appreciate your patience with me, I know I've been repeating mostly what I have been saying..

[kayc]

This is a process!  If you've ever read my story from over ten years ago, you'll see how blindsided I was...finally I came to realize it all turned out for the best, although it hurt like hades for months.

 

[CommanderCody]

I've read the first page of your forum and all I could say is damn... that was hard. 

May I ask how did you move on from that and what was the best thing that happened that made you say " it all turned out for the best"?

Alek and I haven't spoken for 5 days now and I think it's going to continue for a number of days. Tomorrow will be the first week since we've last saw each other, nothing big, I just thought about it. I don't know when will we be talking again or IF we will be talking again. Right now, I'm just really focusing on moving on, making myself busy just not to think about her that often ( it works tho ). I'm not exactly also sure why she hasn't messaged me or is she just waiting for me to message her? But I'm letting her set the pace, I don't want to disrupt the space that I'm still giving her. 

I've also mentioned to her last week that my dad will be coming home for a vacation, maybe she's not messaging because she doesn't want to disturb me and our family time? or maybe she's just busy with her new job? I don't know...

Since our last conversation last Tuesday when she thanked me for listening to her rants, we had a small talk after that but I didn't reply to her last message because there was nothing to reply about just " hahahaha " Do you think that we're just waiting for each other to message the other person? since she's been always the one who is messaging me first? But I do think that I've done so much effort to try to work this relationship out, the most effort she could just do right now is initiate convo with me. That's a fair thought, right?

[CommanderCody]

I just want to share this small detail :  

Her little brother and I played Call of Duty again earlier, while we were playing I was just having a conversation with him and in the middle of our conversation I asked him how is his sister and he told me that she's fine and that she's doing her job and I asked him " downstairs?" and he said " nope. here with me. Do you want to talk to her? " and I said " no, i dont want to disturb her " and after a while I asked him does his sister knows that both of us are playing and yeah, she does. And whenever I would ask her brother about her, he would reply " yeah she's here " and she would then know I was asking about her lol haha I would just keep silent for a few moment just to let her feel the vibe that I'm not actually looking for her ( but in fact I do... ) 

I'm now questioning myself whether I should continue playing with her brother or not.. my dad advised me before that any connections that still I have with her friends or family until now will only prolong my moving on process... Any thoughts about that?