Relationship ended due to that she lost her father

[kayc]

On 12/6/2020 at 5:27 AM, CommanderCody said:

May I ask how did you move on from that and what was the best thing that happened that made you say " it all turned out for the best"?

I think whenever anyone blindsides us, esp. when having a relationship with them, it's hard to process & adjust and takes time.  Let's just say my house got very clean back then!  (could use it again)  
The fact that he could do that, break up with me after one year engagement, without any discussion, shows he was not the one for me!  Like I said earlier, I'd want someone who'd go through thick and thin with me, because it's not a matter of IF hard things come, it's a matter of WHEN!  My late husband never would have done that.  He's a person slow to take action to better things in his life.  I do feel it turned out for the best.  He is a good friend but has become increasingly more distant in the last few years since his XW moved in with him.  I value him and care about him as a person and he has a terrific sense of humor, but I find him lacking in qualities I consider of more relevance...number one to me is character, loyalty, beliefs.  He appeared that way but when it came down to it, he ran, didn't he!

[kayc]

On 12/6/2020 at 5:27 AM, CommanderCody said:

the most effort she could just do right now is initiate convo with me. That's a fair thought, right?

Yes.

3 hours ago, CommanderCody said:

my dad advised me before that any connections that still I have with her friends or family until now will only prolong my moving on process...

I agree with your dad.  Esp. since she's always there with her brother.

[CommanderCody]

10 hours ago, kayc said:

I think whenever anyone blindsides us, esp. when having a relationship with them, it's hard to process & adjust and takes time.

I want to ask, is blindside equivalent to gaslight or being gaslighted? and is it a reasonable excuse to treat someone as "blindside" them when they are grieving? I can't really blame her for being depressed during her grieving stage as to the reason that led her to cut me off...

[selena1988]

On 12/4/2020 at 8:17 AM, CommanderCody said:

Hi @selena1988, 

I appreciate your thoughts on my situation. I'm glad to hear an opinion from another perspective. 

I agree with almost everything you have said, they make total sense -- from bringing their best selves to the table until to me being her safety net. But I'm believing that you might have taken a misconception about her accepting support. She recognizes my outmost support in her time of grief, even her sister was shocked when she found out recently that we've broken up because I was very supportive to them from the beginning but our relationship fell apart. 

I really agree with you on this statement. On the first few weeks when we've broken up, I kept constantly thinking about this. I've been asking myself that " it's only been 2 months since we've become a couple but this already happened to us. What more if we continued the relationship? " I'm not blaming the death of her father. I'm saying she really handles her own personal problems differently. But I get her point on why she chose to break us up it's because she doesn't want to be selfish and she can't meet my expectations at the moment. I also know people handle their problems or grief differently but I really wished that she didn't cut me out of it. I also wish she realizes by now that if I'm still supportive of her until now, what more if she didn't break us up? 

I know I deserve better than this. I don't really know why I'm still hoping there's a chance to fix this. The attraction is dead. The love we once shared is not there right now. But I still care and love her and I feel she still (care) does too. As day goes by, I'm slowly accepting the fact that sooner or later she may be out of my life and it's something that I should be brave enough to face to.

Hi,

Sorry for the bit delayed response from my end, just a lot going on.

Again, I feel with you and your ex. This is definetely a difficult situation to be in, and I believe that deep down you know what's right for you. 

My boyfriend lost his mother eight days back. He still talks with me at least two hours daily, we text, we leave voice mails, and he still keeps on bringing up how to take our relationship forward. He shared a message that he posted on social media with me to get my input first.

Is my boyfriend broken? Sure, he's heartbroken. His mother meant the world to him, but so do I. I believe that grief can either make your relationship grow stronger or break it. 

Sure, sometimes he feels flat, and we chat briefly, but the point is, he's mature, he's present, and although I wish he had the mental capacity to take on my grief too, I value how he always tries his best to include me in his. As I tell him "you've given me no reason to doubt you." 

If he acted like your ex did, I'd leave straight away. It took me years to understand this, but we deserve someone who sees the effort we make for them. My boyfriend thanks me every day for being there for him, that makes it easier for me to be there, and by extension, I want to help him even more.

Her exuce about being selfish is an easy way out, in my opinion. Does my boyfriend feel that he burdens me? Sure. But he also understands that supporting each other through everything is important if we're planning on forever. Allowing others to take part in one's grief is anything but selfish. However, your relationship is fresh, and perhaps she has some unresolved trust issues? My boyfriend knows I'm a grown up woman, and if things get too difficult,I'll tell him that. Whether it's too much to take on too much is my decision, the same way it should be yours. I understand that she's in no shape to have a relationship right now, and that's fair. However, I feel it's anything but selfish to ask someone to be by your side. His first words to me after his loss were; "I'll need you so much in the next week and months. "

Letting someone you care for go is always hard. Staying in touch with her and her friends makes it even harder. She has clearly shown that she's not capable to provide what you need right now. The next steps are up to you.

I recommend reading up on how to get over an ex. It will be hard, and it will take time, yet it will only get harder if you prolong it.

If I was with my ex, I'm sure he'd act similar to your ex, and initially I'd make exuces for him. It's human to want to do that. That said, I feel that you need to decide to give up all hope to be able to move on. Wish you the best whatever you decide to do.

 

[CommanderCody]

Hi @selena1988, I'm happy to hear from you again.

First of all, I extend my condolences to your boyfriend's mother. 

How I wish my ex acted the same way how your boyfriend is acting right now, that he needed you the most in his time of grief and not cut you out of it. When we started the relationship last July, the both of us even talked about how we are going to be on the same page ( we didn't talk about grief or  how we are going to handle through tough times ) and until the end of that conversation we agreed to everything we have said to each other. I believed in everything she said to me. That's why I when her father died, I know that she would be going through a lot and I need to be there for her but I was in total shock that she's slowly losing in the relationship then. I tried to fix that and force an outcome but it got even worse. 

I know she's a mature person, I saw and felt  it even before she was grieving. At first I can't really understand why she had to cut me off in her time of grief -- until I found this site and I realized that I wasn't alone in this situation. I still continued to show her support even though we had broken up because I know both of us doesn't deserve to be in this spot. She thanks me from time to time, acknowledging the support I've been giving her even though she had hurt me. 

8 hours ago, selena1988 said:

I believe that deep down you know what's right for you. 

Yes, you are right about this. We haven't spoken for 7 days now and I'm not exactly sure why she hasn't reached out to me. I haven't done anything wrong the past days nor last week when we went out -- she even thanked me the following day for listening to her rants. Me and her brother have been playing Call of Duty for the past 2 days and it's such a hard feeling on my chest whenever I would get to hear her voice in the background. That's why I'm now considering on making up an excuse as to not play with her brother anymore, or at least for now. 

I'm not even sure when are we going to be talking to each other again or IF we are going to be talking to each other again. I don't want to reach out first because I've done so much to try to work this relationship out with her and the only thing she can do to let me feel that she's still into this is just initiating conversation with me. 

The only thing that I can do right now is move forward and be grateful for all the lessons she had taught me. It was not easy to handle a grieving person but I'm thankful for the experience because now I know I just moved a level higher in my life now. 

[CommanderCody]

9 hours ago, selena1988 said:

Her exuce about being selfish is an easy way out, in my opinion.

I respect your opinion on this statement. I on the other hand looks at it from a different perspective, that she's genuinely caring for me -- she knows that she doesn't have much to offer right now and she can't meet my expectations that's why she did what she had to do -- break us up. To me that is a form of love, even though she doesn't want to do it ( she was crying when we had this break up discussion ) she had to let me go. You know the saying -- " if you love someone, let them go. If they come back it's meant to be. But if not, their love was never yours to begin with " It just sucks that life had to get in the middle of our way. 

[kayc]

15 hours ago, CommanderCody said:

I want to ask, is blindside equivalent to gaslight or being gaslighted?

No, the two terms are totally different.  Blindside is to catch someone off guard, they never saw it coming.  "Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which a person or a group covertly sows seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or group."

The term gaslighting actually comes from a 1938 play, “Gas Light” (which was turned into a more widely known movie in 1944, “Gaslight”), where a husband manipulates his wife to make her think she's actually losing her sense of reality so he can commit her to a mental institution and steal her inheritance.

[kayc]

11 hours ago, CommanderCody said:

I'm not exactly sure why she hasn't reached out to me. I haven't done anything wrong

This has nothing to do with how you act or don't, so really can't personalize, nor does it make her a bad person either, it's just how she is responding to her grief.  Some cope, some don't.  I look at this as their way of coping, but not mine...and not that of anyone I'd wish to be with in a relationship!  I really don't ever want to go through this again!  Being on the receiving end is not good.  But then neither is their grief.  I don't "fault" anyone in a situation like this, but rather I DO see it as unacceptable to me in a relationship, period.  I know their grief response is not of their choosing.  That my exfiance shut me out without discussion is something he did, I don't excuse it, but neither do I find it helpful to "lay blame," still I'd rather find out this is his way, BEFORE marrying, rather that later!

[kayc]

11 hours ago, CommanderCody said:

The only thing that I can do right now is move forward and be grateful for all the lessons she had taught me.

You have a wonderful positive attitude, it will take you far in life!  This is about all we CAN  do under the circumstances!

[selena1988]

13 hours ago, CommanderCody said:

I respect your opinion on this statement. I on the other hand looks at it from a different perspective, that she's genuinely caring for me -- she knows that she doesn't have much to offer right now and she can't meet my expectations that's why she did what she had to do -- break us up. To me that is a form of love, even though she doesn't want to do it ( she was crying when we had this break up discussion ) she had to let me go. You know the saying -- " if you love someone, let them go. If they come back it's meant to be. But if not, their love was never yours to begin with " It just sucks that life had to get in the middle of our way. 

 

I respect your opinion too, but after being married and having dated several men, I feel that I've started to see a pattern. Again, this is mainly my perspective, however after seeing a dating coach to learn about attachment types and personality types among other things, I've started to notice patterns that I didn't see previously. 

Let's take my latest ex for instance, a genius, I'm sure he'll achieve great things. Unfortunately, he was very inexperienced with relationships and love in general, so he left me because he didn't have enough to give. Sure, he may even feel that way, but I truly believe we change for the right person. 

Look, even at my boyfriend. Amazing guy with a few serious relationships in the past, still he never committed to change. Then he met me. For the first time, he wanted to make things work. Even when he was caring for his terminally ill mother he spoke with a therapist with me (online), because as he said; I never wanted to be with anyone more than I wanted to be with you. Although he loved his ex, he ended things with her when his mother had a relapse. 

As he said: if I was anyone of his exes he would have left, but I'm his future wife and he looks at the bigger picture. 

I've also left men behind because I felt the emotional work was too hard, but now, for the first time ever, I'm all in. I feel so safe and content with this man that I allow myself the space to work through things. 

Of course I know that not everyone has the capacity to do that, but honestly, neither one of us thought we did a few months ago either.

The past year and these last months in particular has changed my view on this. Only a year back I'd agree with you fully. 

 

[selena1988]

20 hours ago, CommanderCody said:

Hi @selena1988, I'm happy to hear from you again.

First of all, I extend my condolences to your boyfriend's mother. 

How I wish my ex acted the same way how your boyfriend is acting right now, that he needed you the most in his time of grief and not cut you out of it. When we started the relationship last July, the both of us even talked about how we are going to be on the same page ( we didn't talk about grief or  how we are going to handle through tough times ) and until the end of that conversation we agreed to everything we have said to each other. I believed in everything she said to me. That's why I when her father died, I know that she would be going through a lot and I need to be there for her but I was in total shock that she's slowly losing in the relationship then. I tried to fix that and force an outcome but it got even worse. 

I know she's a mature person, I saw and felt  it even before she was grieving. At first I can't really understand why she had to cut me off in her time of grief -- until I found this site and I realized that I wasn't alone in this situation. I still continued to show her support even though we had broken up because I know both of us doesn't deserve to be in this spot. She thanks me from time to time, acknowledging the support I've been giving her even though she had hurt me. 

Yes, you are right about this. We haven't spoken for 7 days now and I'm not exactly sure why she hasn't reached out to me. I haven't done anything wrong the past days nor last week when we went out -- she even thanked me the following day for listening to her rants. Me and her brother have been playing Call of Duty for the past 2 days and it's such a hard feeling on my chest whenever I would get to hear her voice in the background. That's why I'm now considering on making up an excuse as to not play with her brother anymore, or at least for now. 

I'm not even sure when are we going to be talking to each other again or IF we are going to be talking to each other again. I don't want to reach out first because I've done so much to try to work this relationship out with her and the only thing she can do to let me feel that she's still into this is just initiating conversation with me. 

The only thing that I can do right now is move forward and be grateful for all the lessons she had taught me. It was not easy to handle a grieving person but I'm thankful for the experience because now I know I just moved a level higher in my life now. 

I'm so sorry to hear that it came to this, but also happy to hear that you're looking at it as an experience. Unfortunately, during our lives we meet people that we love, but the timing is off. 

I read this quote in another post here; You need to meet people where they are, but sometimes you gotta leave them there. 

People may have the best intentions, but sometimes they don't have the experience and/or emotional tools to work towards the outcome they want.

Thank you so much for your kind words and condolences. I'm incredibly proud of my boyfriend, and today he left me a voice mail telling me how happy our conversation made him. That made my day. I feel really grateful that he's such a great communicator, and I can only imagine how hard it must be when your partner shuts down completely.💕

[CommanderCody]

18 hours ago, kayc said:

This has nothing to do with how you act or don't, so really can't personalize, nor does it make her a bad person either, it's just how she is responding to her grief. 

You're right. I kept thinking about what you have said to me before about " If she wants space, she'll take it. If she wants you in her life, she knows where to find you. If she asks why you're not initiating, tell her you're respecting her wish on giving her space. If she wants to change things, she can say so. " and this makes sense. I'm guessing she's just occupied right now that I don't have any space in her life as of the moment. 

[CommanderCody]

10 hours ago, kayc said:

You have a wonderful positive attitude, it will take you far in life!  This is about all we CAN  do under the circumstances!

Thank you for the kind words. I have been meditating almost every morning from 6-7 AM and I use that time to think about things, gather my thoughts, and also a time of realizations. And slowly I have been accepting the fact that she may have been only a lesson that I need to learn as I take my next step in life. You're right about what you have said to me last month about the pain getting lessen in time. Right now, I won't lie that I still think of her daily but the heartache that once was there is slowly healing and I can feel it. I know that to fully heal, I need to do something about spending time with her brother through video games and I'm going to cut it for now. I can't bear to hear her voice in the background as of right now -- it's too heavy for me. It's like getting to smell a scent that reminds me of her. 

I want to ask, is this the perfect time to go no contact to her since I'm healing one day at a time? Like no viewing of her instagram stories, no contact with her family, or even talk to her if she reaches out to me?

[CommanderCody]

1 hour ago, selena1988 said:

Unfortunately, during our lives we meet people that we love, but the timing is off. 

This is the saddest part. I always believed when we started the relationship everything was going through its natural flow -- the love is there, the timing is great. But unfortunately how wrong was I about the timing. 

 

1 hour ago, selena1988 said:

People may have the best intentions, but sometimes they don't have the experience and/or emotional tools to work towards the outcome they want.

Yeah, and it's something that I have to accept even though it is difficult.

 

1 hour ago, selena1988 said:

Thank you so much for your kind words and condolences. I'm incredibly proud of my boyfriend, and today he left me a voice mail telling me how happy our conversation made him. That made my day.

You're very welcome! I'm really happy for you both on how you are making things work. I hope you both surpass this together! 

[kayc]

On 12/7/2020 at 8:08 PM, CommanderCody said:

The only thing that I can do right now is move forward and be grateful for all the lessons she had taught me. It was not easy to handle a grieving person but I'm thankful for the experience because now I know I just moved a level higher in my life now. 

This!

[kayc]

14 hours ago, CommanderCody said:

is this the perfect time to go no contact to her since I'm healing one day at a time? Like no viewing of her instagram stories, no contact with her family, or even talk to her if she reaches out to me?

I would say so.

[kayc]

@selena1988 I'm glad to hear things are going well for you, you inspire and give us all hope!  You never know...

You have taken some positive steps that I believe have contributed to your success, seeing a relationship expert, keeping your eyes open, looking to find what wasn't working and what is!  Good luck to the two of you!

[CommanderCody]

I had a talk with my best friend last night and I told him the changes I had to made in order to fully heal and he's proud how I'm willing to make the change. It's not going to be easy but I'm ready to take the next step now and the first thing that I have to do is self-heal. 

I'm really happy how heard I am in this site -- and the amount of support I've received is overwhelming. I'm grateful for it. I will be updating you in the future about my progress, Kay C! 

[CommanderCody]

I just want to share this detail : 

Alek posted a story in her instagram yesterday, when we went out last week she told me that there are a few specific people who she allowed to view her " close friends " story and I am one of them. I don't know how many but I'm estimating less than 5 since she's really that private in her personal life right now. Since she posted a story yesterday, I purposely didn't view it because I'm really determined now into moving on. 

Until earlier today, after 9 days, she messaged me all of a sudden, she said " hey, how are you? " and I smirked and lol'ed at it. I guess she noticed I didn't view her story ( because I always view her stories especially those only meant for her close friends ) and that made her to send me a message, I guess? 

I know I have given a time frame for this until the end of December to try to see if things are gonna work out but I know I don't deserve that she'll be messaging me after 9 days if she's really wants also in working this relationship out. I want someone who'll consistently tell me what's going on in their lives and not hit me up when it's convenient for them. Is this how its gonna be if I'm gonna continue it with her? That its mostly gonna be on her terms and when it's convenient for her? It has been 2 1/2 hours since she messaged me and I still haven't replied yet -- I don't think I won't be replying for now. I think that sends a pretty clear message even without I saying a word. 

Should I reply and let her know that I'm moving on or it's better if things are left unsaid? 

Any thoughts, @kayc?

[CommanderCody]

Her brother kept messaging me just a few moments earlier -- asking to play with me, spamming me with messages but I'm not replying to him either. I feel bad for doing this to him because he just wants to play but I'm ignoring his messages... I know this is for the best and for my self-healing but damn, it's not really easy. It's harder than I imagined. We developed a bond over the past few months and he looked up to me as one of his older brothers and it sucks that it has to come down this way. I wish I could tell him that I'm moving on but I don't think he'll understand...

We had a talk yesterday also though, I told him then that I won't be able to play ps4 with him because I have to focus for my upcoming finals next week. When he messaged me earlier he was asking an hour of my time to play with him but I didn't respond. I just wish he would understand the reason that I've told him yesterday... I don't want to feel bad for ignoring him. 

[kayc]

8 hours ago, CommanderCody said:

Is this how its gonna be if I'm gonna continue it with her?

What you see is what you get.

 

8 hours ago, CommanderCody said:

That its mostly gonna be on her terms and when it's convenient for her?

Yep!

4 hours ago, CommanderCody said:

I just wish he would understand the reason that I've told him yesterday... I don't want to feel bad for ignoring him. 

You gave him a heads up, that should suffice.  He'll quit in time when he sees you're serious.  Don't feel bad for taking care of YOURSELF first and foremost!!!

[CommanderCody]

On 12/10/2020 at 1:50 PM, CommanderCody said:

 

I know I have given a time frame for this until the end of December to try to see if things are gonna work out

What can you say about this, Kay C?

I havent seen nor replied to her message yet. Should I keep it that way? Im wondering if we'll ever talk again in the future if I ignore her right now... I'm doing this to protect myself as of the moment but I'm still open in keeping a friendship with her in the future... I just dont know right now how that's gonna happen tho...

[CommanderCody]

Hi, @kaycI just want to share you this small detail : 

Her brother messaged me again earlier he said " Kuya ( brother ) Emman, Can I ask you something?" and since I'm thinking maybe he has really something to ask, I replied to him. Then he just proceeded in asking me if I'm available to play with him and I just told him " I can't. I'm very occupied right now. Much has been going on. " and he then said " ohhh ok 🤧🤧 " and I thanked him for understanding after that. 

Is what I did right by replying to him? Because I feel like if he tells his sister that I replied to him after ignoring him yesterday (I'm not really sure he would), Alek would then think that I'm purposely ignoring just her since I replied to her brother. Did I lose my momentum when I replied to him? I know I shouldn't even care anymore since I'm moving on that whether Alek will still reach out to me or not but why do I still think about it. 

I also know that I've said I'm determined & ready to move on, I should stand by what I said since I have already started and taken the first step -- ignoring her message... and its going to take some getting used to... In your opinion, does she have a feeling by now that I'm moving on? 

[kayc]

10 hours ago, CommanderCody said:

why do I still think about it.

You still have feelings, of course you do!  Our emotions take time to get under control.  We must use our heads though, not just emotions.  If we let our emotions rule we'd bow and cow to them indefinitely!  You must put your own healing first.  I would have been honest with her brother to start with, rather than blaming it on being busy.  Busy-ness is not why you haven't responded, trying to heal is.  It's obvious she's putting HERSELF ahead of you so why is it so hard for us to do the same?  

I would continue what you have begun.  To do otherwise would be to set yourself back, esp. with  the holidays come into play.  People get sappy around holidays.  Do you want to continue healing or set yourself back to only have to start over?  That is a question only you can answer.

Yes I think she notices and gets it.  If I were her, I wouldn't expect anything else!

It's hard when family/friends are involved, but that's to be expected.  Still, this was a new relationship, not one of long term, I know your connection was strong, but then again, she was able to throw you overboard w/o any problem!

Sorry, just the way I see it.  Jim did the same with me, only we were engaged for a year and he didn't keep messaging me, I cut out all contact when he broke up with me.  We resumed contact after a few months, as friends only...I'd sent him a sympathy card when I learned she passed, he called immediately.  Never did find out why he never tried to get me back, perhaps he was afraid he'd hurt me again!  And he was most likely right.  And I was also right in not seeking anything more than I see him being able to deliver. 

 

[CommanderCody]

13 hours ago, kayc said:

Yes I think she notices and gets it.  If I were her, I wouldn't expect anything else!

Is it really okay that I didn't discuss with her that I would be choosing myself now and move on? Cause I feel like she needs to hear that from me since we both agreed to work out the relationship again last month. When we broke up last September and agreed to work out the relationship the following day, on the same week I didn't talk to her for 3 days for a specific reason and she messaged me saying that she thought we both agreed to work out the relationship and that she wants a reply so atleast she knows where she stands. And of course I replied and we both talked about it. I said to her " I've thought about it and I do want to work this relationship out. " She then said " If you wanted space, you could have just said so. It would have hurt less " That's why I feel like she needs to hear it from me this time -- not suddenly disappear. 

Why do I think that the  reason she feels why I'm not talking to her right now is because I'm expecting something from her and when I didn't meet my expectation (not talking to me for more than a week because that's too much if she really wants to work out the relationship), I ignored her? or is it just me?  

If I'll be continuing my moving on process, would it also be okay to greet her Merry Christmas on the 24th so that at least she knows that I'm still open for a friendship?