Relationship ended due to that she lost her father

[BaxterBurg]

2 hours ago, selena1988 said:

feel free to DM me with a summary of the situation and/or any questions.

Thanks so much for all your guy's help. I appreciate it greatly. Really.

[CommanderCody]

Hi.

I just want to vent out my feelings. 

Since yesterday, my thoughts were overwhelmed by Alek again; until in my sleep she's still in my dreams and I think it's because I kept thinking about her often lately. I don't know why I'm thinking of her frequently since yesterday. I'll admit I do think of her every single day but it doesn't compare on how I have been thinking of her frequently since yesterday. Our memories are haunting me and there's nothing I can do to avoid it but to embrace the pain of the beautiful past -- and it sucks it had to be that way. I still do miss her but I know there is nothing I can do to change our situation. 

I also want to add : 

On new years eve, her big sister replied to my IG story and I greeted her a happy new year and she greeted me back liked she always use to, no hard feelings, still friendly towards me, and talks to me in a way like my ex and I didn't even break up. My ex's niece also commented on my post greeting me a happy new year. I dont know though if she knows that Alek and I broke up already because she stills interacts with me.

My point is, her family sometimes still interacts with me, they even greeted me happy new year but she didnt. I dont know why she didnt. Right now, she posted yesterday a video on IG tributing about her father. I didnt watch the whole video as that I cant hurt myself seeing her pictures in the video but I liked the video. I guess she still is grieving at this point.

She doesnt look at my instagram stories, but its funny because whenever I would look at her instagram stories, she would look at mine. But when I ignore hers, she ignores mine. Thats what I have observed. I know I should stop doing these things, i shouldnt even worry with this kind of stuff anymore. Its just that i seem to think about her often today. Im trying to comfort myself by thinking that we did our best and that nothing is a mistake and everything happens for a reason, but my thoughts of her overwhelmed me today.

[kayc]

I'm a moderator of a diabetic group.  My friend leads Celebrate Recovery (a program for drug/alcohol addictions).  With both I see similarities of what we see others go through, whether carb addiction or substance.  We see people unable to leave things alone that harm them, because they're addicted and it takes practicing doing the right things to incorporate changes into our lives, it takes time and practice...repeated, and commitment.  

This is no different.  When we fall in love we get "feel good" feelings and affirmation.  It feels good!  Until it doesn't.  Until there's a breakup or hiccup in the relationship.  When you know it's over but still tantalize yourself with it, you prolong the agony.  It's simple to see & realize, but unless you REALLY realize the need for stopping cold turkey, you won't likely change the pattern.  We can know these things with our head, but until we experience it in practice...well it takes time for our feelings to catch up and heal, it really does.  And to get there is to go straight through the pain, withdrawal, as you set new healthier patterns for yourself.  That's why we say no contact...contact can be with our eyes, our voice/ears, exposure.  Block FB, IG, phone, everything connected to her, block even her family or anyone who could pass along information.  We can't allow ourselves these avenues of access where friends are telling us this/that about them, etc.  Cold turkey is cold turkey.

I'm sorry you're hurting, I know that you are, I really feel for you...been there.  It's not fun, not a piece of cake!  It's hard!

[BaxterBurg]

8 hours ago, CommanderCody said:

Hi.

I just want to vent out my feelings. 

Since yesterday, my thoughts were overwhelmed by Alek again; until in my sleep she's still in my dreams and I think it's because I kept thinking about her often lately. I don't know why I'm thinking of her frequently since yesterday. I'll admit I do think of her every single day but it doesn't compare on how I have been thinking of her frequently since yesterday. Our memories are haunting me and there's nothing I can do to avoid it but to embrace the pain of the beautiful past -- and it sucks it had to be that way. I still do miss her but I know there is nothing I can do to change our situation. 

I also want to add : 

On new years eve, her big sister replied to my IG story and I greeted her a happy new year and she greeted me back liked she always use to, no hard feelings, still friendly towards me, and talks to me in a way like my ex and I didn't even break up. My ex's niece also commented on my post greeting me a happy new year. I dont know though if she knows that Alek and I broke up already because she stills interacts with me.

My point is, her family sometimes still interacts with me, they even greeted me happy new year but she didnt. I dont know why she didnt. Right now, she posted yesterday a video on IG tributing about her father. I didnt watch the whole video as that I cant hurt myself seeing her pictures in the video but I liked the video. I guess she still is grieving at this point.

She doesnt look at my instagram stories, but its funny because whenever I would look at her instagram stories, she would look at mine. But when I ignore hers, she ignores mine. Thats what I have observed. I know I should stop doing these things, i shouldnt even worry with this kind of stuff anymore. Its just that i seem to think about her often today. Im trying to comfort myself by thinking that we did our best and that nothing is a mistake and everything happens for a reason, but my thoughts of her overwhelmed me today.

Hey Kody, don't be too hard on yourself, it is a hard process. I still think of my ex everyday too, and she often consumes my thoughts as well as my dreams. I'm often very frustrated and dissapointed because she even emphasized the importance of being a team through struggle--but she chose to push me away. And I'm greiving hard for the family that I wanted with her.

 As you said, the story checking isn't helpful, neither is talking to family members. While I still have down moments, I find that I'm getting better with no contact. Part of me is almost tempted to never interact with her again, I almost just want to let go all together. Sometimes I just feel like moving haha. It does get better, but it takes a lot of effort. Talking with family and friends helps a lot, but covid is making this so much harder. My time at work helps a lot.

Kayc is right about the no contact. I refrain from looking at any picutres, and I've pulled myself out of my friend group. I'm climbing out of the hole slowly, and I'm at the point where I can look below and realize that interaction will only bring me back down. You just gotta make it out of the initial rock bottom stage, and it will get better. You will probably always miss her, but you gotta push yourself to the point where those memories arn't as painful anymore. It's sad, but there's no point in letting something out of your control affect you so much; focus on what is changable: take it day by day, find joy in everything you do, even if its mundane.

take care friend, 

-BB

[CommanderCody]

5 hours ago, BaxterBurg said:

Hey Kody, don't be too hard on yourself, it is a hard process. I still think of my ex everyday too, and she often consumes my thoughts as well as my dreams. I'm often very frustrated and dissapointed because she even emphasized the importance of being a team through struggle--but she chose to push me away. And I'm greiving hard for the family that I wanted with her.

 As you said, the story checking isn't helpful, neither is talking to family members. While I still have down moments, I find that I'm getting better with no contact. Part of me is almost tempted to never interact with her again, I almost just want to let go all together. Sometimes I just feel like moving haha. It does get better, but it takes a lot of effort. Talking with family and friends helps a lot, but covid is making this so much harder. My time at work helps a lot.

Kayc is right about the no contact. I refrain from looking at any picutres, and I've pulled myself out of my friend group. I'm climbing out of the hole slowly, and I'm at the point where I can look below and realize that interaction will only bring me back down. You just gotta make it out of the initial rock bottom stage, and it will get better. You will probably always miss her, but you gotta push yourself to the point where those memories arn't as painful anymore. It's sad, but there's no point in letting something out of your control affect you so much; focus on what is changable: take it day by day, find joy in everything you do, even if its mundane.

take care friend, 

-BB

Thanks for the kind words. You're absolutely right. 

If I'm going to be honest, the things that haunts me now are the ones where we had been really intimate with each other and it just randomly pops up into my head. I just missed being held close like that.

[BaxterBurg]

Of course, same here. I talked to my friend today and even 2 years after his breakup he still misses that intimacy, its very natural. I didn't get much intimacy with my ex because of covid, and I'm sure that played a major role in our demise; but I still miss the feeling from time to time, even just holding her hand. What haunts me is how much we missed out on, and just contrasting those few warm, sweet moments with how cold and annoyed she is towards me now. Its heart breaking. I miss the old her.

[CommanderCody]

5 minutes ago, BaxterBurg said:

Of course, same here. I talked to my friend today and even 2 years after his breakup he still misses that intimacy, its very natural. I didn't get much intimacy with my ex because of covid, and I'm sure that played a major role in our demise; but I still miss the feeling from time to time, even just holding her hand. What haunts me is how much we missed out on, and just contrasting those few warm, sweet moments with how cold and annoyed she is towards me now. Its heart breaking. I miss the old her.

Yeah, exactly. I'm happy to hear that this is only a natural reaction about missing the intimacy. I guess this is one of the hardest part to accept, knowing we'll never be able to hold them up close in our arms again. 

[BaxterBurg]

There's this one memory I always remember that I kind of want to archive here. It was autumn, and I kind of knew it would be one of the last (it might have been the last actually) days we could walk together. All our dates were outside so winter meant ldr. But it was such a beautiful night: it was calm and warm--it was perfect! I just remember how badly we wanted to be close to each other. We would hold hands, arms, touch her back, anything just to be close without being close. She got frustrated we couldn't be close and just grabbed my arm and ran with it. Its my favorite memory and the most sweet. I hate seeing where we are now, she's just so cold and mean towards me. Sad.

[BaxterBurg]

Its hard to beleive that we ended up here

[CommanderCody]

I feel your pain on that story you have shared. However there's really nothing we can do to bring those back, or bring them back. They are who they are now. We know who they are now. Maybe who they are now isn't what we are being destined to be with, it's not that we can't handle them, maybe its just that things won't go well along the way. I used to think that we really were robbed of a lifetime of happiness but sometimes I like to think it as were were saved from a lifetime of constant pain emotionally. And I don't want to think that this was our loss, no. Sooner or later when they got their perspective right I'm confident they'll look back to us and eventually they might say that we were the one that got away.

If this may help, I've watched on Youtube about videos on Letting go of your ex. It has helped me somehow. 

[BaxterBurg]

2 minutes ago, CommanderCody said:

I feel your pain on that story you have shared. However there's really nothing we can do to bring those back, or bring them back. They are who they are now. Who know who they are now. Maybe who they are now isn't what we are being destined to be with, it's not that we can't handle them, maybe its just that things won't go well along the way. I used to think that we really were robbed of a lifetime of happiness but sometimes I like to think it as were were saved from a lifetime of constant pain emotionally. And I don't want to think that this was our loss, no. Sooner or later when they got their perspective right I'm confident they'll look back to us and eventually they might say that we were the one that got away.

If this may help, I've watched on Youtube about videos on Letting go of your ex. It has helped me somehow. 

You're right kody. I actually was unable to remember any of these memories until now. I had a grief fog for the past 2 months. But I'm sure they will look back in the future, or at least remember some memories fondly as we do. I hope at least. I've been watching the same videos, I think I'm doing okay so far. I will probably always miss the old her.

[CommanderCody]

Hang in there brother. I'm proud of the progress you have done. We will get through this together! 

[kayc]

6 hours ago, CommanderCody said:

I used to think that we really were robbed of a lifetime of happiness but sometimes I like to think it as were were saved from a lifetime of constant pain emotionally

Yes.  We can't count on them to change who they are.  Esp. as we don't cause this, this IS the real them showing up.

[CommanderCody]

56 minutes ago, kayc said:

Yes.  We can't count on them to change who they are.  Esp. as we don't cause this, this IS the real them showing up.

Funny to think about, 2 months ago when I was just starting this forum, if you had said that then I would probably deny your answer and try to squeeze my way into a different answer -- something I would want to hear. Right now, I have just accepted that this is who they really are when times get tough; That my ex is really a good person but I just got to see the real her, the one what no one has seen yet until grief has consumed her. A big part of me has already accepted that maybe she's just really a lesson I need to learn, that she's a part of my journey but she's not the one who I'll be walking with through. Lately I have been thinking a lot again ever since I have been thinking about her often; getting some alone time to gather my thoughts just to get through this and it has helped me so far. Talking with my conscience is a big factor. 

 

[kayc]

4 hours ago, CommanderCody said:

I would probably deny your answer and try to squeeze my way into a different answer -- something I would want to hear.

I totally get that!  We all would have in the beginning.  This is a PROCESS, and not an easy one at that!

I love alone time in nature, it really helps me with perspective and clarity.  Maybe that's why so many love fishing or hiking!

[CommanderCody]

6 hours ago, kayc said:

I totally get that!  We all would have in the beginning.  This is a PROCESS, and not an easy one at that!

Earlier today at 7:15 am, I was eating my breakfast while watching some videos on youtube but then again my thoughts of alek have been filling up my mind in the morning. I then decided to transfer eating at the living room but as soon as I reached the tv remote I accidentally spilled this water on the table and I grumpily asked " why is that placed there? " then my sister answered back in a high tone voice and I just got angry all of a sudden. After the argument I went back to eating but my chest feels heavy, it feels like I was angry because of the thoughts of Alek keep coming back to me and I released it when I had an argument with my sister. I almost teared up after because it was such a stupid thing to get mad about but my anger overwhelmed me. Is that normal?

[BaxterBurg]

26 minutes ago, CommanderCody said:

Earlier today at 7:15 am, I was eating my breakfast while watching some videos on youtube but then again my thoughts of alek have been filling up my mind in the morning. I then decided to transfer eating at the living room but as soon as I reached the tv remote I accidentally spilled this water on the table and I grumpily asked " why is that placed there? " then my sister answered back in a high tone voice and I just got angry all of a sudden. After the argument I went back to eating but my chest feels heavy, it feels like I was angry because of the thoughts of Alek keep coming back to me and I released it when I had an argument with my sister. I almost teared up after because it was such a stupid thing to get mad about but my anger overwhelmed me. Is that normal?

I would say so. I've been feeling angry from time to time; mainy stems from the feeling of being deceived. Got kind of irritated with my mom because I couldn't handle her complaining about work and some trivial things. Just not something I could handle in the moment; I'm sure you felt the same with the water and your sister's reaction. My ex had a few outburts with me while dealing with her grief, usually when I said some things she disagreed with. She ended up messaging me later that night saying she was sorry, and she just couldn't handle that type of conversatin right now. Don't be hard on yourself, but try not to let it out on those cloesest to you. Try writing instead, maybe what you're angry about, or try to figure it out. it helps. Its possible you feel angry with yourself over any regrets--I sometimes do.  Forgiving yourself and her is important if that is the case; when I start blamig my ex with how she dealt with everything and she treated me, I just get jaded. And if I start blaming myself it makes me angry at myself too. Not sure if thats what is generating your anger, but thats what causes it for me.

[CommanderCody]

2 hours ago, BaxterBurg said:

Try writing instead, maybe what you're angry about, or try to figure it out.

I'll try to meditate this later in the day. Thanks for the tip about writing tho.

2 hours ago, BaxterBurg said:

Its possible you feel angry with yourself over any regrets--I sometimes do.

I just felt this emotion running through my head whenever she would drop by my thoughts and that triggered me somehow. Maybe it's because I'm disappointed on how we turned out to be. I really hate it when I get to think of the intimate moments we both shared like I can't avoid not thinking them even though I'm trying my best to divert my attention to that. There's this bump in my chest whenever I would think of those intimacy, the worst thing is that those memories are still vivid in my mind that's why it hurts! Having withdrawals from intimacy is sooo worse. That's the hardest part for me right now.  That is what's causing my anger right now... 

[BaxterBurg]

10 minutes ago, CommanderCody said:

I'll try to meditate this later in the day. Thanks for the tip about writing tho.

I just felt this emotion running through my head whenever she would drop by my thoughts and that triggered me somehow. Maybe it's because I'm disappointed on how we turned out to be. I really hate it when I get to think of the intimate moments we both shared like I can't avoid not thinking them even though I'm trying my best to divert my attention to that. There's this bump in my chest whenever I would think of those intimacy, the worst thing is that those memories are still vivid in my mind that's why it hurts! Having withdrawals from intimacy is sooo worse. That's the hardest part for me right now.  That is what's causing my anger right now... 

I understand. That makes a lot sense, intmiacy is probably the thing that makes us the most addicted to the relationship. Affection was always very important to me too, I think we're the same there. But for me, I don't have many memories since we hardly got the chance. Kind of interesting to think of it this way but you're upset about the sweet memories you miss, but I'm upset that we never even got that many. Try to think of it this way, might help. 

[CommanderCody]

3 minutes ago, BaxterBurg said:

you're upset about the sweet memories you miss, but I'm upset that we never even got that many. Try to think of it this way, might help. 

I see your point. I just don't see at the moment how that would help me right now but thanks though. I guess the only way to get over this is to go through it, embracing the pain again. 

[kayc]

BaxterBurg covered it well.  You were insightful to realize what was underlying (thoughts of Alec) your anger.  I would apologize to my sister and tell her you realize it wasn't her so much as your situation you were responding to, then try to realize this sooner, in the moment, so you don't shove everyone away from you.

 

[CommanderCody]

Hi, I just want to tell something. 

I've been watching a lot of videos on YouTube about " How to accept what it is and let go " type of content and somehow they keep referring that everything that has transpired is already written by the universe. That there are no mistakes, there are no accidents, that all of the mistakes I've done in my past relationship was bound to happen because it was written that it's going to be that way. And also that there are no coincidences; it was not a coincidence that I found this site and that I got to be able to talk to you guys about my situation. That you were part of that journey of mine to guide me through it (even though at the time I thought that some were rooting against our relationship to work) and even though we tried to work out the relationship twice, there's a reason why it didn't work; it's because the universe doesnt want us to make it work (atleast right now I guess) cause we're going on different paths now and we're not on each other's board for that journey. 

As I look back now and try to connect everything that has transpired, I realized that everything was just leading me to something better. I didnt regret trying to work out the relationship for 3 months because now I have no regrets. I tried to playback some moments in my life where in that the universe has led me to a specific place or person and it changed me to something better -- I am now realizing that this is just another one of those moments. 

She will always be my greatest " what could have been " so far in my life but this is really something I can't control and I'm not regretting anything that I already let go of it. I did feel bad at first for just walking away from her life that way but as time progress I know I did it for the better and I hope she could understand why I did that even without notifying her. I really did try my best; I can confidently say that and you were right about last month when you said it's time to choose myself. I can see now why it was not selfish to do that, in fact if I haven't chosen to let go I might have been selfish to myself -- constantly thinking when she'll be talking to me again, trying to overthink certain things, trying to hold on to a failing relationship for the sake of just to be in each other's lives, and that's not healthy for me. I still think of her everyday but the pain that once was there has really lessen in my chest. I can really feel I'm healing one day at a time and these videos that I'm watching was a huge help to my self-healing. 

I want to end this realization with a picture I found on facebook.

[kayc]

I find a balance between fate and free will...I do believe that the choices we make affect our lives.  But I believe I was fated to meet my husband, George.  I believe some of the things I've gone through with other relationships were life lessons, I used them to learn something from and find some purpose in therefore, but that is a choice on my part, not everyone does learn.

[CommanderCody]

One of the thoughts that keep me sane right now is thinking that I have served my purpose in her life and since we're not talking anymore, it's pretty clear that I don't have anything else to serve or fulfill my duty to her life and vice versa. 

7 hours ago, kayc said:

I do believe that the choices we make affect our lives.

In your own opinion, if I hadn't let go after we havent talked for 9 days, what would I or we be now? 

[BaxterBurg]

Good way to look at it Cody. I agree more with Kayc about finding the balance. Being too fatalistic can mean you miss out when fortune presents itself, but in some cases--such as ours--I don't think there was anything we could have done/changed. Even if we could have done something different, it doesn't change the now. We did what we thought was right in the moment. Now, we have to work with our current situations--not live in what if's, or what could have been. Both only exist in our imaginations--even our memories are not completety accurate and only exist in our mind. And at the end of the day, as Kayc has always said, someone who drops us when things get tough is not someone we can trust to form a relationship with. And in my case, someone who isn't communicative will fail at any relationship. Everyone in my life has repeated this same thing to me. In that sense, our fate was pre determined. We did what we thought was right, they did what they thought was right; it would never have worked. 

Not sure if this makes sense, but here's my general thoughts. Its cliche but, when one door closes another opens. And there's no point worrying your present self with what if's, it only brings you down and doesn't change the present. We gotta work with our situation now. If fortune presents uswith someone new, we can't be letting this situation bring us down to the point that we miss it. In short: don't think about the past or present; live in the now, work with the situation at hand. It'sthe only way to be happy.