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Break up when your partner is in grief


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I need help trying to figure this situation out. I have read a lot about this, but in my case it differs a bit, because we have talked things through and we still talk everyday which gives me hope, yet I feel so hopeless. Anyway..

Long story short. My boyfriend for the past 5 years lost his mother. He takes care of his dad all the time and of course worries about him a lot. I think he hasn't fully grieved until now and he has many signs of the depression stage .. It has been hard on our relationship, no fights but just the love factor.. A week ago I brought up the love between us and he just started to cry and said that he wanted to break up, he wanted to take time for himself. He couldn't handle our relationship right now and he didn't have the strength for it, he doesn't know how to do it right now. He loves me and he wants to, but he simply can't and he thinks that I deserve better. It was so difficult to hear... Especially since we have had a strong relationship, but after the death he has held his emotions for himself.

Is there anyone who is in the same position and can give some advice..? 

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How do you give space when sharing an apt. together?  His reaction is classic for some people, they're overwhelmed with their grief and feel as he does, they have nothing to giv3e anyone and the first to go is their relationship.  I would say avoid relationship talk but hard to do if he wants to talk about it.  All you can do is respect his wishes and give it time.  That is hard on YOU though, and not fair to you.  So I would set a time in my mind, don't stress him by giving him a time though, he really can't handle pressure right now, but maybe a boundary for your own emotional health and well-being, depending on what you think is a fair and doable time realistically.  I'm so sorry you're going through this!  My fiance of a year broke off with me abruptly when his mom was dying (he was her caregiver) by Fed Ex no less!  No discussion, just gone.  I dropped his things off next day.  We had a few months of no contact but resumed as friends only...if that happens it will only work if both accept the new role without secretly wishing for more or that could lead to manipulation.  Years later his XW moved in with him, not as a relationship per sae, but she's "family" to him and that's that.  He's become more distant since.

I'm assuming you've read the other threads here?  I've only seen one that made it through this intact out of hundreds here, but no report after a couple of months so don't know if they even made it.  Your BF (ex?) seems to be feeling the pressure and overwhelmed but is responding with more hope...not sure if that's good or bad, only time will tell.  I just hope you'll listen to your inner caution and not let it drag on in that indefinite place continually...I sincerely hope the best for both of you.

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  • 1 month later...

Also, to Kayc, I've been reading many of your posts even going back many years, I appreciate how much time you have put into responding to peoples posts. If you have some advise, or if my situation seems more hopeful than others, I appreciate any advise regarding how to proceed. To me it seems that my situation is different that the others I have read: we both stayed close, and she is willing to try to repair the relationship. I feel that she made the decision she did because she doesn't understand the effect that grief can have--she has a small family and never experienced grief before. She also expressed that she feels she has to be with her family, as her father is not handling it well and they are very close. The people around me seem to think that she has only so much emotional capacity, and that she had to make a choice between me and them; but I just feel confused and unsure. I often feel resentment because these two months have been the worst of my life, and I put so much effort into helping her; and of course, the result is having to deal my own grief of my first love.

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@BaxterBurg

Hi, Baxter. I have read your post but I suggest you creating a forum of your own so we could discuss it in a properly manner.

Having said that, I really feel you on your situation right now. Having those continuous " what ifs" going around your head, anxiety & worries running through your brain that hoping things will soon work out between the two of you. I don't blame you for having that hope as she is also willing to work out the relationship. May I suggest you reading my forum on " relationship ended due to she lost her father " we have a similar case and you might learn a thing or two from my story. 

I'm still grieving her as of the moment but day by day I can feel that my heart heals. We haven't spoken casually for 20 days now and I'm not honestly sure when or if we are going to be talking again.

 

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4 hours ago, CommanderCody said:

@BaxterBurg

Hi, Baxter. I have read your post but I suggest you creating a forum of your own so we could discuss it in a properly manner.

Having said that, I really feel you on your situation right now. Having those continuous " what ifs" going around your head, anxiety & worries running through your brain that hoping things will soon work out between the two of you. I don't blame you for having that hope as she is also willing to work out the relationship. May I suggest you reading my forum on " relationship ended due to she lost her father " we have a similar case and you might learn a thing or two from my story. 

I'm still grieving her as of the moment but day by day I can feel that my heart heals. We haven't spoken casually for 20 days now and I'm not honestly sure when or if we are going to be talking again.

 

Hey Cody, I actually did read a large chunk of your forum post a few days ago--I'm sorry to hear of your situation, but glad you are healing. I'll probably read more of it, and make a my own forum post later today. Me and her seem to be very close still, but yeah, she knows I still love her and I told her I can't be much a friend, but she often comes off as "too" friendly towards me. It for sure fuels that anxiety and questioning you mentioned. But we can continue this chat in the forum when I get to it, and I'll have an answer to if she says yes/no to the movie proposition.

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Hi BaxterBurg, I have responded to you in your own thread, it seemed to read the same as you posted here. ;)

Cody, hoping your day goes well!

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