Always thought we had tomorrow

[Gwenivere]

I read an article that said you could program your dreams.  Think of what you want to dream about before falling asleep.  Unfortunately, I never found that to actually work.  I didn’t pick Steve usually, as that happens now and then.  More so the first year.  Now when I see him it just feels normal unlike the early ones I was desperately trying to connect with him and there was always some obstacle.  

Jim, I didn’t add any pics in the house of Steve.  There are several of us both that have been here from the time they were taken.  I have one of him from a work photo shoot by my desk monitor.  Sometimes I look at him and it’s just surreal.  I don’t know anymore what it felt like to have him here daily.   Talking, eating, joking, sharing movies, any interaction.  Just memories.  I see this couple that looked happy.  I don’t really recognize myself either.  This has so changed me.  I was able to donate Steve’s clothes because I knew he would want them used and was generous with his belongings.  Everything he outgrew was given to a shelter.  I kept a couple things that are 'him' to me.  Things I didn’t want anyone else to take his essence I felt in them.  Now I rarely see them in the closet.  3 things pushed off to the side of a once full wardrobe.  I guess time changed my need for them.  I’ll still keep them, but I forget they are there and still wouldn’t want anyone wearing his jacket.  He’s been far too much erased tangibly to add more.  It’s weird. Don’t think about things when they are here, know I’d obsess about them if they were gone.

[nashreed]

I don't know what I'm going to do in even a year from now, when her things that I have here are collecting dust. I still have her cough drops, and they'll be expired. I can't even fathom it. 

If I have pictures of her that I stare at before I go to sleep and I still can't dream of her, I don't know what it will take. I am completely full of despair today. My family wants to engage and talk and I just want to cry. Or I'm curt and short with them. I don't mean to be, I just am.

[Gwenivere]

12 hours ago, kayc said:

WISH I could help someone!  Right now I can't even help myself.  The pandemic is having a profound effect on those of us in utter isolation!  Throw medical issues into the mix and you have a real formula for holiday blues!!!

Gwen, I wish I could start with helping you.  I feel helpless right now!  I wish I weren't so far away and I wish my hands didn't hurt so badly!  That's all I want for Christmas!!!

Incidentally, I got a Harry and David package coming today...can't eat any of it, don't know why someone would send it to me.    Meant well but...

All I want is for my back and legs back.  I’m so tired of living in more than age related pain and fear I will fall or not be able to do something that is necessary.  I try everything I can to not make things worse, but it doesn’t work.  Add in severe depression from it (and hypothyroid and anemia), it’s a nasty mix.  Hard to care about anything.   I have so many things I would like to feel enthused about, but cannot.  Got 2 Christmas cards today.  One with a gawd awful newsletter I read.  Big mistake as I never do.  How this couple found ways to find fun thru the pandemic.  Rv'ing, meeting up with friends/family at parks, golfing, crafting projects.  Stuff couples do.  I dread having to walk down the hall.  

I don’t know anymore if anyone can help me.  Worse, I feel I have exhausted ways to help myself.  I have reached out to the med providers so much, talked with my counselors, tried to keep up with what few social connections I still have and try to believe I can keep going.  But inside I feel I am losing and days are numbered.  I don’t know what will happen to me and I do not want to be put somewhere.  Separated from Melody and my home.  Loss of control of my own schedule.   Basically a prisoner.  Alone even more.

i got a notice a package is coming I have no idea of what it is.  You don’t  get messages about presents.  I don’t recall ordering anything.  If I do it’s from Amazon usually.  I don’t recognize the senders name.  Truth is I don’t want packages.  They are hard for me to get inside usually and create recycling.  Gawd, I’m one miserable creature.

Macdonalds brought back the McRib sandwich.  I’m not ashamed to say I love them.  Want to get one tomorrow and feel some excitement about it.  Mostly it’s tradition and I’m burgered and poultried out and looking for something to do before coming home to this prison.  

Someone else wrote about waking up, doing a couple things and retreating back to bed.  I know that is not healthy.  How healthy is it to live a whole day in misery tho?  Knowing you’ve tried and tried and it’s just getting worse.  

I’m going to try and take Melody to the vet.  She is already resisting as I put her harness on.  I don’t  have the strength to force her to the car.  I’m tempted to try now while I have time but that will stress her more.  In former days I’d take Ally with us because she’d follow her.

this should really be such simple stuff.  Now it’s monumental.  Sorry, just rambling again.  Feeling so frustrated and not grateful for anything.  I so miss the positive me.  I think when you can't feel that, you turn into a person you can hate and that feels awful. Can’t outrun myself either.  

this is not me, I don’t care about the reasons.  I don’t want to be this person.  I want to be the one that felt a place thru others and interactions.  One who cared and had that flow back and forth.  

 

 

 

[Gwenivere]

5 hours ago, nashreed said:

I don't know what I'm going to do in even a year from now, when her things that I have here are collecting dust. I still have her cough drops, and they'll be expired. I can't even fathom it. 

If I have pictures of her that I stare at before I go to sleep and I still can't dream of her, I don't know what it will take. I am completely full of despair today. My family wants to engage and talk and I just want to cry. Or I'm curt and short with them. I don't mean to be, I just am.

James, Steve’s bathroom still has his stuff in his medicine cabinet.  I don’t worry about it.  During the first couple years I got comfort looking in there. Now, I have no thought to.  I could clean it out, but why?   The shelves in his office here are full of his stuff and dusty.  Have no plans of doing anything with it as I have the things I need to take over all the work financially and sometimes I grab envelopes or supplies as he has everything labeled.  I’m using labeled tubs he bought for batteries and keep spare printer paper there.  So cough drops?  Keep them.  If you feel the need to toss them someday, you’ll know it and it won’t affect you.

as for dreams.....I think you’re trying too hard.  We really can’t control that.  Maybe lifelong Buddhist's can, I don’t know.  I don’t think about it beyond if I see him, that would be great.  IF it’s a good one.  In the beginning I would see him but couldn’t reach him.  It was awful.  Reflective of how I felt awake.  Then as time passed and I got further on my journey I’d find myself comfortably in a situation with him.  It was just natural. Only felt weird when I woke up because I wanted to stay there.  You may be fighting the normal flow of your own path.  trying to alter it.  You didn’t ask, but maybe if you just thought 'it would be great to see her' when you went to bed and leave it at that. Take some extra dismay out of this already hard massive change.

is your family wanting to engage about your issues now?  I know you felt disconnected before.

[nashreed]

Oh no, my family doesn't talk about her. They don't have the emotional capacity. I don't want to make them sound like terrible people, they just live superficial lives, hiding deeper pain. My Mom never got over her divorce in 1974. My brother never got over his college crush. 

I will probably keep her cough drops, Chap Sticks and maybe even her medications. They were part of her. They make me feel like she's around. I just don't know if I can keep up the illusion indefinitely. 

[JimJim]

Nash I've had both, some are dreams from the past, and the others, I call the special dreams, are Lucid visits, where it's just the two of us only, in a surrounding of only light, and we're not vocal, but are communicating telepathically, we both understand the so called reality of the physical world, but she tells me not to worry, takes so much energy from her to appear this way to me, so as I wake up, I'm always sure to write it down, these Lucid visits are the dreams that I fight hard to stay in, but Nancy will tell me again not to worry as she will be back to see me, and that my friend is the most comforting thought of my present life, the only time I feel normal!! in answer to your other question, I did not dream or have any visits untill about after a year afterwards, I've been told by both psychics and medium's that first her Soul was adjusting to the non physical world, and that took time, and second that she was also waiting for me, meaning that she would not visit me if my mind was still in a crippling state, she waited to make sure that I could emotionally handle it, without being self destructive, and now I have dreams of her almost nightly, it doesn't take away the daily pain of missing her, I miss her so much beyond words, a broken heart and soul that will never mend, but it does provide a sense of relief to know that she is okay, and that one day we will be together again, just one last note, I practice meditation daily and I find that helps, just 10 minutes a day to clear the mind, find that it allows fresh thoughts to come into focus, Thank you.

[kayc]

18 hours ago, JimJim said:

I keep a shrine to my beloved

I had a "shrine" in my bedroom for a couple of years, it's taken down now but I still have remembrances all over, things not so noticeable to others but they remind me of him.  His Native American heritage, photos, even as I still have my sympathy cards up from when Arlie passed 1 1/2 years ago.  I have a corner of my bedroom for Arlie also.  And his coat hanging on my chair, his leash & collar by the door.  Who cares what others think, it's what brings us comfort, in our own time and in our own way.  Others aren't going through this, we are.

[kayc]

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/how-to-control-your-dreams_n_6296526

[kayc]

16 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

How this couple found ways to find fun thru the pandemic.

Yep, got one of those from my little sister yesterday, always about all the fun trips they did together, etc.  Pictures of how happy they look!  Of course I know she doesn't list their struggles there.  How aggravated she is that he won't let the office help go that is worse than useless (dyslexic, can't type or spell at all, not getting it...never should have applied, let alone been hired!).  So I keep all that in mind and realize her life isn't all about fun and trips, yes she shares that with him but also there have been the hard places...those aren't put in a Christmas newsletter.

 

[kayc]

16 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Macdonalds brought back the McRib sandwich.

I used to love those!  Can 't have the bread or their BBQ sauce now but our McDonald's closed a few years ago, to our chagrin.  Guess it's not worth it to order one with just the meat.

 

[razorclam]

19 hours ago, JimJim said:

for the holiday approaching, now normally Nancy would celebrate Hanukkah, with the proper prayers, and the lighting of the Menorah, as a matter of fact it start's tonight going through the 18th, this I will celebrate, in honor of her Love that she gave and still gives to me, went out and bought everything needed, so that is set.                                                                                                                                                                                                     

 I hope this gives you some comfort. After all, lighting a candle is one of the way that we remember our loved ones. Last year, the final night of Hanukkah coincided with my late friend's birthday. I realized it when I saw all 8 candles lit, it was overwhelming.

[nashreed]

4 hours ago, JimJim said:

Nash I've had both, some are dreams from the past, and the others, I call the special dreams, are Lucid visits, where it's just the two of us only, in a surrounding of only light, and we're not vocal, but are communicating telepathically, we both understand the so called reality of the physical world, but she tells me not to worry, takes so much energy from her to appear this way to me, so as I wake up, I'm always sure to write it down, these Lucid visits are the dreams that I fight hard to stay in, but Nancy will tell me again not to worry as she will be back to see me, and that my friend is the most comforting thought of my present life, the only time I feel normal!! in answer to your other question, I did not dream or have any visits untill about after a year afterwards, I've been told by both psychics and medium's that first her Soul was adjusting to the non physical world, and that took time, and second that she was also waiting for me, meaning that she would not visit me if my mind was still in a crippling state, she waited to make sure that I could emotionally handle it, without being self destructive, and now I have dreams of her almost nightly, it doesn't take away the daily pain of missing her, I miss her so much beyond words, a broken heart and soul that will never mend, but it does provide a sense of relief to know that she is okay, and that one day we will be together again, just one last note, I practice meditation daily and I find that helps, just 10 minutes a day to clear the mind, find that it allows fresh thoughts to come into focus, Thank you.

Thank you, Jim. I'm glad you have that comfort. So, the dreams you have and what Nancy conveys to you, corresponds with what the mediums say? I hope it won't be too frustrating for Annette to try to visit me, as I'm such a scatterbrain, and it's very, very hard to clear my mind.

[JimJim]

I know this is a few months from when this discussion was posted, think you are all just fantastic, wanted to say one thing about time and grief, people don't forget about a loved one any less as time goes on, but this organ called a brain can only hold so much gigabytes before it has to let go of memory, in order to store new info, hence the saying, time heals all wounds, well to that I say not always the case, one can keep the memory of the loss as if it just happened yesterday, time may bring you to the conclusion that this is real, not a mistake, and this person is indeed not coming back, and some may choose to move on, whereas for me, and any others like me, choose to hold onto the pain, it's the only tangible thing that I can control, everything else is out of my control, but not this, life took the most important person in my life away from me, and it's not going to take this too, whether good or bad, I suppose that's up to the individual, life is not that important, our jobs, our lives, poof could all be gone in an instant, and all that's left are the people we leave behind, so I guess what i'm trying to say is that I refuse to allow biology to take away something that I was crying like a baby for just 2 years ago, want to keep the baby crying, it was important enough then, and is just as important enough now. Thank you, mean no offense to anyone please, are only my thoughts.

I

[kayc]

It's not that I made a conscious choice to hang on to the pain, but I do know that not a day has gone by that I don't think of him, love him, and miss him.  That just never stops.  It's not our grief that connects us though, it's our love, and that continues still.  We all get through this the best we know to do.  

[nashreed]

As I come up on the one-year mark, I think it harder and harder to keep up "the relationship" with her that we had. I can't bear the thought of it ending. I still talk to her everyday, but she's probably tired of hearing me whine and complain about missing her. All of her things are like souvenirs of a life that we had together, and my life is so completely different now- it's hard to even feel like the same person. I'm not the same person, just a shell...but I'm trying. I don't really have a choice, and I ultimately don't want to disappoint Annette. If she's watching over me, I don't want her to be sad by seeing a broken, miserable man. So, I try- I get up and talk to her and I do things to pass the time. I'm doing my best.

[Gwenivere]

2 hours ago, kayc said:

It's not that I made a conscious choice to hang on to the pain,

 

1 hour ago, nashreed said:

I'm not the same person,

These two statements really sum up the reality of this, and for me, reflect how I feel.  I didn’t make a choice, it was made for me.  Now I live in the consequences of it.  
 

The pain hasn’t really lessened.  It’s changed and as heavy as it’s always been and will be.  I think most of us would want iease from the weight, but nothing is going to diminish the memories and longings.  I wish I could cry more.  Like I used to when this began.  It’s not that I don’t feel it or feel silly being so caught up in it, it’s just not the response that is occurring.   It’s mutated to intense depression inside and apathy outward.  I get things done, but they exhaust me.  I don’t get enough fuel anymore so have to mete out my allowance longer.  No matter how hard I’ve tried to care about something for a long time now, I can’t.  The pandemic definitely contributed as it took away so much routine I had for decades.  My volunteering loss started the slide downhill.  I don’t know for sure, but that is when my back became worse and now I can barely get around.  
 

The loss of our partners shut down the refueling we had daily.  We also were a source of it for another person.  It was perfect symmetry.  I have no idea how to live  a meaningful life without it.  I can’t even volunteer at other places than the nursing home by physical limits.  So I feel trapped.  I never, ever thought I would wind up like this.  Watching the world from the sidelines.  Never experienced this before and I hate it.  I really liked the old me.  I so want to be her again, or close.  There are bits and pieces laying around, but not enough to make a whole being.   I’m only whole physically and age is making that horrid.  I lay in twilight sleep before I have to get up and sometimes it’s a fake of things that felt good.  I’ll often totally immerse myself in a useless video game to gobble up time.  
 

it bothers me I don’t have the time before me I had and I’m just squandering it away.  Except for taking care of my dog, parakeets and hygiene, I don’t do anything of consequence anymore.  That’s the most empty feeling.  Making a meal for Steve and I had enormously more meaning than donating a large sum to a charitable organization, for example.  The point, for me, is, without the core that gave me meaning (parents and friends that have died too figure in), I don’t know why I exist anymore.  I don’t enjoy any of it.  The few connections I have with others are so short and far apart, I’m not a part of this world anymore.  Not in a way that has meaning.  And I am so tired of hearing you make your own because I have tried for years.  It’s also invalidating as we all know how hard we have and will continue this battle.  I only hear that from people that have their partners anyway.  Or never did.  

 

[kayc]

I think right now we're all just trying to hang in there.  The added weight of Covid, lack of social interaction, medical issues, it's kind of made a bleak world for us.  Will anything change?  I can't say.  I'm just hanging in there...I try to find something good in my day, usually it's Kodie.

[Kieron]

As an antidote to "bleak world," the following link is from someone's Tumblr blog.  I can't post the short clip here probably because the system doesn't allow it, but it does work and it seems to be a safe blog.  And it's positive, not spam and not garbage.

If all dogs go to heaven, then this could be it!   Look at them frolic!

https://liriusworlfaws.tumblr.com/post/648937181014081536

[Gwenivere]

I really liked the 2nd video with the golden bouncing over the little waves into the ocean.  That’s enthusiasm!   🐕

[JimJim]

I am there with all of you trying to make sense of things, with only the memories to hold onto, remembering all the things that use to bring you joy when experiencing things together, it's like looking at a beautiful sunset or sunrise now, doesn't give the same excitement of a new day, or passing day as when we would enjoy it together,use to be hopeful that today or tomorrow would bring new things our way, and that life would get better, didn't matter the circumstance, the only thing that mattered was that we were together, no matter where we were, It was home, friends and family try to be there for me, but ya know they tell me Jim, Nancy would want for you to be happy again, and to try and move past this, death is a reality that comes to us all, and don't worry when it's your time, you will be with her again, well folks, again no disrespect to those that follow this belief, but I tend to differ, I believe that Nancy would want me upset, sad and crying, and wanting to be with her, and missing her terribly as I do each and every second of the day, even in my sleep, believing that grief does in fact keep us connected, again no offense to anyone please, but I feel that all the things we hear about what a loved one would want for those left behind, is only what the living tell the living, as we are unable to speak with the dead, all the books on grieving is always telling us ways to heal, like healing is all there is, for once would love to pickup a book on grieving, with no need for healing, an avenue of living with intense grief, but yet continue living making it a part of everyday life, I do that anyway. And again my apologies for going against the norm, as I feel healing is a very important tool that helps so many people Thank you. 

[Gwenivere]

You have every right to be honest and express how you feel.  There is no norm.  There is so much out there that the living tell the living.  That’s all we really know as we relate to each other on our paths.  I only rely on books for validation.   As I am unsure of what comes next, if anything, I struggle along like everyone.  I don’t know what faith is.  It might help, but I can’t force that.

[nashreed]

I can't agree with that. Annette and I talked about this. She told me that she wouldn't want me to be sad when she's gone. She knew she wouldn't live a long life. She tried to dissuade me from marrying her. She wouldn't be that selfish to want me to be sad and miserable. What good does it do? I can be happy just to think of a funny thing she would say, or our little jokes we had. I talk to her to keep the connection to her. I keep her things, certainly, but that's for my own grieving. I truly believe that our loved ones can visit us and want us to be ok. I felt her love in a dream that was very different from a normal dream. 

My love for Annette is forever- we pledged that to each other. When looking at forever in the scheme of things, the time we're apart is so short. I'm waiting to be with her, like I would wait if she was in a hospital or in another state, and I'm pacing and passing the time, looking at the magazines, (living life as best I can) but I'm trying to not be miserable, because I have faith that I will be with her again. If I see her again and I had been a basket case, I know she would tell me "You dummy- there was no reason to be sad, I'm right here". 

[kayc]

13 hours ago, JimJim said:

they tell me Jim, Nancy would want for you to be happy again, and to try and move past this

I don't ascribe to that, only someone who hasn't been there would tell you that.  George would be the FIRST to understand what I've been going through and I know his heart would be with me in this.  As for people telling you to move past this, that's not possible!  We learn to adjust as best as we can to carrying our grief and living with the hole in our heart, but we are forever changed, as are our lives.    But I don't think it's our grief, how miserable we attain to be, that proves our love or holds us to them, but the LOVE we continue to share, even when we can't reach them!  Our love is everlasting, it wasn't for an ascribed time or when everything was great.  We are soulmates, I've never had this connectedness with anyone else before or since.  He is my one.

[kayc]

11 hours ago, nashreed said:

She told me that she wouldn't want me to be sad when she's gone.

Of course George wouldn't want me sad!  But he'd be the first to understand that sometimes what we would like and what we have are two different things.  It's not like I go out of the way to make myself miserable, quite the contrary!  I've done everything I know to do to be positive and hopeful and keep going.  But this is a life long struggle we keep plugging away at.

[nashreed]

Exactly, Kay. I was sad and miserable BEFORE I met Annette. She showed me love and a way to live that I never knew was possible. She was so kind and unselfish and when I am depressed and miserable, I need to remember those qualities. I need to tap into the reservoir of love that we have, because it doesn't die. Our love is still in my heart.