Always thought we had tomorrow

[Gwenivere]

4 hours ago, kayc said:

George would be the FIRST to understand what I've been going through and I know his heart would be with me in this. 

I know Steve would not want me to be sad and miserable, but he would understand 100% why I am.   Of course he would want me to be happy again.  But he would know that isn’t truly possible for how our lives were intertwined for decades and I can’t live as a partial person now.  Some marriages aren’t that tight,  but ours was.  I know that’s why I miss him so much because he would get this.  We talked about so many times in his last year.  We didn’t know how bad it would be for me, but we knew whichever of us it was was going to be left in a life that would never be 'happy' or close to the fulfillment we knew.  This is beyond anything we imagined.  Just like most anticipatory grief.  It’s all speculation til the real thing.  So much of what I thought was wrong.  The reality of him gone, even right at this very moment, is gut wrenching.  I managed to dodge some during the shock years.  But it’s home to roost now.  No more illusions.  No more side stepping it.  No more distractions.  It figures into everything I have to do now.  The big stuff.  But little things too like eating.  I was just thinking this morning how a half dozen eggs were perfect on breakfast nights for our 2 meals and 1 each for the furry kids.  Now 6 eggs have become a reminder of simpler times. Silly as that sounds.  
 

I also didn’t have consistent medical calls.  (pre his cancer). My shrink called yesterday for our check in and as always, I was down about what his assessment is and changes he is pushing.  I liked when I never knew or needed this guy.  I just want him to write my anxiety meds as no doctor will anymore.  Emails back and forth thru portals with specialists now that give me options that scare me and intensify the loneliness.  I barely used the phone way back when and when I did it was to set up dog park meets or just chat lightly.  Now I walk around with my headset all the time.  I hate when the phone rings now or I have to call and  menus to negotiate to get a human being.

I look at my to do list today and sigh.  Nothing fun, nothing to leave a feeling of inner accomplishment, just check off the tasks.  All the while pain and sadness follow me.  As I told my counselor yesterday, I think I’m just letting my health issues progress to possibly emergency stages because I have lost any fighting spirit.  I’m fully vaccinated now, should be scheduling back surgery.  Yeah, right.  
 

 

[JimJim]

Can truly appreciate how we are all different, and the ways we separately cope with loss, I wish Nancy and I could have spoken about this, as she was taken suddenly, it never happened, the only time one of us leaving before the other type of conversation ever happened, was while lying in bed, cuddling and just talking, she asked what I would do if she left before me, I looked at her and gently told her, Honey if you die, I die, and she was happy with that answer! So again I can appreciate all of you, and thank you for sharing, but as you can see, we all walk a different path!! Stay safe and healthy all of you!!

[Gwenivere]

37 minutes ago, JimJim said:

she asked what I would do if she left before me, I looked at her and gently told her, Honey if you die, I die,

JimJim, that’s perfectly sums up what I’ve taken paragraphs to.  Thank you for that.

[kayc]

21 hours ago, nashreed said:

She was so kind and unselfish and when I am depressed and miserable, I need to remember those qualities. I need to tap into the reservoir of love that we have, because it doesn't die. Our love is still in my heart. 

Yes!

[nashreed]

17 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

JimJim, that’s perfectly sums up what I’ve taken paragraphs to.  Thank you for that.

I have been thinking about this a lot. I know it is hard to live without our soul mate, but I have to believe that our soul (operative word: soul) mate is eternal. Yes, a part of me has died- but it's more part of my personality, the me that I can only be with Annette. Our saying was "I'm ok if you're ok". I KNOW she's ok. I know it in my heart. She is in Heaven, no matter what you believe it to be. She is ok, so I have to be ok. For all the suffering she went through here, I know that she is pain free and happy, with beloved family members. The more I hear about someone who wants to give up and "die" without their love, the more I want to fight that, out of respect for Annette. If someone really believes that after death there is nothing- just black, then what is your motivation for being a good person, an unselfish person? I hope no one takes offense, and I'm not trying to lay my beliefs on anyone, but I just think its a sad, sad thing to not have faith that there is life after our time here in this existence. 

[Gwenivere]

11 hours ago, nashreed said:

If someone really believes that after death there is nothing- just black, then what is your motivation for being a good person, an unselfish person?

I’m not offended, but the question does seem to push faith in a beyond. Not really to be debated here. my motivation is I am good and unselfish person by nature, not the other way around.  People matter in my life.  They always have.  Love is as essential.  When I reach my end, I’ll know I did the best I could at any given time. I’ve made mistakes like everyone else.  That’s what’s so cool about life. We can each believe whatever we want.  I’d love to think I’ll see Steve again, but I don’t know that. I wish I felt what you do.  I just have to travel my grief path without it.  I can see it would make it helpful in the low times.  I’m happy for those that have that.  

 

[kayc]

I think it's all in how we're looking at it.  You are a good person, Gwen.  Your saying you don't know that (afterlife) sounds as if it's coming from a scientific knowledge point of view, which we aren't likely to realize as there is so much "unknown" about the realm beyond this.  The belief I hold is faith based...something I believe without being seen.  All in how we look at it.

I agree, not the place for debate.  Just stating my view.

 

[Gwenivere]

I’ve been having an ongoing conversation with my cousin in NM for a couple weeks now.  It is about why we keeping going on.  I look at my life and hers and how they mirror large health maladies.  So we relate there without question.  She’s living alone and has been since divorcing a very long time ago.  So she’s alone, but not the same pain.  She has 2 grown children, several grandchildren and her 3 dogs.  
 

this started because she said she wondered why she bothered to go on every day which is something I’ve been struggling with for months.  You that know me here know I have no one in my life anymore.  Family or truly close friends.  Lost the last living link to my life with Steve when I lost a dog last august.  I’ve attempted to make connections, but they have failed and I was locked out of volunteering by my back and the pandemic.  
 

so I asked her last night why she felt that way as she has her kids and connection to them.  I was surprised by her answer.  She feels we are all alone in life. That she is giving love but not getting it in return the way she needs it.   It’s very complicated to lay out.  Basically, she felt that her kids are now on their own paths and they intersect when needed.  So it’s not a daily tight connection.  So far I am with her as I have a couple people I occasionally see that don’t fill the emptiness.  
 

she said she feels she’s in a bubble (I saw it as a balloon) alone. Sometimes another person bubble with connect but not fully.  There are never fully with her. When she explained it more I said ah!  It is how I feel.  So I asked if it was because she was alone in hers that caused the sadness.  I think she said yes.  It’s hard to get hard answers in philosophical conversations.   All I could tell her was, using her analogy, is that with Steve I felt our bubbles were totally combined and we were both in one together.  That when he died, a layer was popped and now I am in mine with the deflated remains of his.  We’ve all seen a popped balloon.  She doesn’t have the remains, but she is alone in hers just the same.  I understand more about being alone even when we see others with family or friends.  Their balloons always touching.  But if you are a lone one, only occasionally bumping up to another, you are just looking out at the world alone.  
 

I don’t know how to make this very clear in print.  I just know after talking to her last night I felt I understood more about loneliness.  How draining it is.  She can’t relate to the death of a spouse physically.  The loss of one, yes,  but as she pointed out, it was not a good relationship, thus a divorce, but there is a pain there too.  A love that created their children.  Anyway, I’m failing at trying to truly express that I am now feeling closer to her about how extremely hard life is without that very special love.  She said she is tired of being the giver and not the recipient very much.  To matter above all else to someone.  She has friction with her son, but was once close friends with her daughter.  Now that her life is much more complex, my cousin has lost that.  She lives as I do, trying to find meaning to keep going on.  Waking every day to that big question....why?  
 

this hasn’t eased that feeling.  It has helped me see in another way I’m not alone (bad unintentional pun as this is about being alone) in feeling so alone.  Now there’s a lot of alone in one little paragraph. 

[JimJim]

I can definitely relate to loneliness, and the big question why? and to try and find any kind of answer is fruitless, at least for me, the why left the same night Nancy did, as she was my why, my reason for getting up, going to work, coming home, making dinner, going to sleep, the major simple things of life, what is there to strive for now, to make a better life for what, for myself, that's not a good enough why, not for me! To lose Nancy and how I remember taking her for granted, thinking she would always be there, how wrong I was, never once thinking that life would take her away from me, so what I've done is to recognize that in this life, I have had the greatest gift of all, loving Nancy, and receiving her love back unconditionally, the two of us as one, both here and the afterlife as I am believing with my entire being, so I no longer are needing to be loved here on earth, as I have been truly loved, and this love is waiting for me on the other side of the veil, my philosophy is life has taken everything from me, my family is gone, and now its expecting me to live on its terms, have always been a fighter, so in this fight, life will lose, when you've lost everything, pardon the cliche, you have nothing to lose, so my own answer as to why? it no longer has a place in my existence. Again please these are just my feelings as they apply only to me, please everyone be safe and warm always.

[kayc]

I feel luckier than your cousin, Gwen, because at least I had someone who love me and I him, and I hold those memories dear.  When people divorce it's different.  As for kids, mine don't help my loneliness as I don't hear from them.  My granddaughter recently had an important event to which I was not apprised of or I would have been there.  Her mom said she emailed me...I did a search, nope, nothing except when she wants me to babysit.  

It's been up to me to create my own contacts and we all know how that's gone since Covid.

JimJim, we all have our own feelings, we get that.

 

[Gwenivere]

23 hours ago, JimJim said:

have always been a fighter, so in this fight, life will lose, when you've lost everything, pardon the cliche, you have nothing to lose, so my own answer as to why? it no longer has a place in my existence.

While I feel I get the meaning of your whole post, the above I am not clear on.  I feel I have lost everything also, my question is why do I keep going on each day.   What is your ‘motivation' to get up, eat, do the day to day survival things as well as what society demands like shopping, paying taxes, going to the doctor, get repairs done, etc.?  That is my stumbling block even tho I do it.  They feel useless, but are necessary or required.  Even if I felt I was going to see him again, how do you get thru the time you have here?  

[JimJim]

Ya know Gwenivere, it's a struggle each morning just getting out of bed, thinking about things that have to be done today, and work is the most difficult, dealing with other people's issues, makes me want to drop off the radar, poof, just disappear, my way of not recognizing life, life has told me, sorry Jim but I am going to force you go through the rest of your life without the one person that matters most to you, and I don't care how much pain this causes you, as I am in charge and you're not, you control nothing, so whine and cry all you want, I've already made this decision, so tough!! So here I am living, actually only existing, as to live means to have joy and meaning, and knowing your why, so I decided to expletive life, is not going to force me to do anything that I choose not to do, so I keep Nancy alive, I have the house saturated with her photographs everywhere, no matter where you turn, she is there, and I have all her clothes hanging in the closet, and each day I take out an outfit for her to wear, when at the store, I still bring home her favorite foods, still buy her a new outfit every payday, still have all our things decorating the home, now of course I understand the reality of physical and spiritual life, I am not in any type of fantasy world, and understand my situation, BUT I am not going to allow life to dictate to me anything, my friends and family think that I am not accepting the reality of Nancy no longer here physically, I say it's not a matter of acceptance, you believe what you wish, and I will do the same, and I choose to let Nancy live, cause if you knew her, she was also a fighter, so now I plan projects for her, next week are going to Chicago where she grew up, I am in Colorado, had a necklace custom made with the star of David, and are going to have it placed in our Niche, have a companion urn, and will be recording this, also visiting her old home and schools and will be burning onto a DVD, the rest of my life will be projects just for her, and this my dear friend is my motivation, not what I can do for me, but for Nancy, trying to give her the things now, that I didn't do before, and I know she hears me as we are in dreams together practically every night now, she is waiting for me, and I can't wait to get there!! Wishing you all a super nice evening, stay safe always.

[kayc]

I can get how your family thinks you are not accepting the reality of her being gone, but I know you DO know all too well that reality, it is your existence now!  By buying her an outfit, etc. you are trying to keep her alive and in your life.  I get that.  There is this grey area we cannot define in words, but it is nonetheless, we know with our minds they have left but to us they are always still here, if that makes any sense.  People can think what they will, we get through this our own way, whatever brings any comfort or consolation, whatever makes any sense to us in this nonsensical state...that we do.  I still talk to him.  Does he hear me?  None can say!  I talk to him regardless.  If it helps me, why should the rest of the world care or make it their business!

[JimJim]

I know right, I mean you go from having a life one moment, and then the next it's gone, just like that, gone! Friends and family, they still have their lives, nothing has changed for them, and I understand in their own way they are trying to help, but I have to tell you when they give me sayings like, at least she's no longer in pain, or she's in a better place, I correct them and say, actually a better place is with me, and you didn't look into her beautiful brown eyes, when after coming home from work, the moment I stepped into the house, the Dr's office had just called to schedule an endoscopy, she walked into my arms, looking straight at me and said, Jim I don't want to die, and she looked so scared, I told her that she didn't have anything to worry about, that I would take care of her, and then a few weeks later she collapsed never to recover, so you see I tell them, she would have taken the pain in order to live. Yeah you mentioned that we all have diff methods on ways of coping, and you're right, ya know having Nancy's pictures all over the house, includ her Artwork as she's an Artist, does bring me both joy and sorrow, and I welcome both as is the only time I have any feelings inside of me, is when I am thinking of Nancy, otherwise are a blank slate, completely dead inside, I always ask God why cannot come and take me as I am already halfway there, still waiting?  I am a believer in the afterlife, as some scholars say this universe could not have resulted from any big bang collision, as there would definitely be more chaos with no order of things, as we know it, so whether it's divine or something else, that is for the individual to discover, the Jewish faith tells us to wrestle with God, ours is not to accept, but to question, you mentioned that you're unsure as to whether they can hear us, good question as I guess we won't know till we get there, there is a movie called Death of a Ghosthunter on TUBI, where she is asked if she believes in the afterlife, she answers that hard to say, then asked do you thing we'll ever know, her response is, eventually we all know!! Wishing you all and happy and healthy Sunday and rest of your week,  Jim and Nancy.

[nashreed]

JimJim,

Your posts give me pause and give me a lot to think about.

I applaud you for doing what you're doing, keeping Nancy alive as best you can. You must be doing something right, if she's in your dreams every night! Annette isn't in mine that much. She's often around in them, but not the main focus. I would give anything to have dreams where we're together and happy- in the past or the present (for some reason, I can only dream in the present right now, with everyone wearing masks and stuff). She is alive in my dreams, so that's a good start. I think I wrote about the one time where I actually had a dream that was more than a dream- it seemed real. It was on Christmas Eve, and I had just a simple dream of being in bed in an old apartment we had, and all she said was "Hey baby". but then I felt a hug (a big full bear hug) that was HER, it was real- I felt it! It was so real, I immediately woke up and couldn't sleep the rest of the night, so I wouldn't forget it. I truly believe it was her, being allowed to come and visit me in my sleep. I just wonder if there's special permission that needs to be granted for her to visit...so many questions about the afterlife. I believe. I KNOW she is in Heaven. But, I often worry that she might be mad at me. I know, I shouldn't feel guilt, but I feel partly responsible for her passing, because I didn't wake up when she needed me. I don't know if I could have saved her. It's just that I always woke up instinctively when she had a low blood sugar before, and for some reason, this time I didn't. There were other factors, and I have to figure that it was just her time. 

Annette was in pain for 20 years. I believe that God is merciful. I hated seeing her suffer. I hate to say that she was "ready" to go, she certainly didn't want to leave me, but she never wanted to be a burden, and she felt like she was. Her body failed her. I know that she had no question of there being a "better place". Sometimes I feel that life is very over-rated. I know I can't wait to see what happens after. 

There's an Elton John song called "Song For Guy". It's mostly instrumental. The only lyric is "Life isn't everything"

[JimJim]

The visitations as I like to call them are very real, and you are correct Nash in that the amount of energy it takes to manifest a visit is enormous, a lot of it due to them appearing in human form, as they are now all spiritual, but appear as you remember them so that our 3D brain will understand, as we are not yet evolved as much as we think we are?  My medium will only arrange to see me every 120 days, as she explains it, is to allow Nancy to recover from all the energy spent to make contact, and you know Nash, Dr.s tell me that there was nothing I could have done to prevent Nancy from leaving(death is not a word in my vocabulary), you mentioned that on this occasion you did not wake up, but have been told there's nothing you could have done even if you had, I too feel the same guilt as I didn't get to Nancy soon enough before her losing too much oxygen, found her unconscious on the outside stoop, but it was too late, what if I had found her sooner, So I welcome the guilt for selfish reasons, as is a feeling, connected to Nancy, and in an otherwise empty existence, I find no meaning in anything anymore, except for when it comes to my love, only then do I find meaning. Are happy for you as you experienced a visit, I love the visitations better compared to dreaming, as the visits are just the two of us speaking telepathically and is a glowing experience, as in a dream there is normally a Calvacade of people, and what I do is right after the visit or more direct dreams, I write them down in my dream journal, and yes me too, hard to go back to sleep after a visit, the best part is they are not visiting us, we are visiting them, they are able to bring us to them, still takes the both of us, but recognize in the visits, we are not in an earthly setting, there is no sky above nor any ground below, you just are, and it's Wondrous!! Thanks for the tip, will check out the song by Elton, and yes I agree with you that life is overrated, people sometimes take themselves much to seriously, as if the world will stop turning just for them, and we all know just how fleeting it really is, our motto is, be kind, be generous, give to the poor and needy, or anyone for that matter that is requiring help, have empathy, be non judgmental, manage the ego keeping it in check, love others as they love you, even those that don't, as we are in control of these things, life cannot take that away from us as it's already taken everything else. Be safe all  Jim and Nancy

[nashreed]

I am heartened to hear about your experiences. I'm in no position to afford a medium, but I would just want to know that Annette doesn't blame me for her passing. Whatever else, I just cannot handle thinking that she might blame me or be mad at me. Today, I broke her headphones- they were hers, but I use them all the time, and the cheap plastic snapped. I was able to tape it together, but I'm just beside myself that I broke something of hers. Something else to be upset about. 

Is Nancy ever able to tell you anything about her life now and where she is?

 

[JimJim]

Nancy had these really old antique rings that were handed down to her from her grandmother that escaped from Poland during the German invasion, she treasured these rings as they were valuable, but mostly had more sentimental value, even during her broke periods prior to meeting me, she would never pawn or sell them, she would only wear them during special Jewish holidays, well I carried them with me as I was preparing to have them encased with her ashes with our cemetery plot, was at a motel 6 for a few days, and they were stolen, it breaks my heart to think they were sold to buy drugs no doubt, was in a worse part of town, they must have been valued monetarily at about 7 or 8 thousand easy, I thought about ending my life at that point, as they were my responsibility, and I failed her, a month later when visiting the medium, out of the blue the medium says Nancy understands about the rings, my heart just dropped and I began to weep, that's where I became a firm believer in the afterlife, there is no way the medium should have known this, I guess what I'm trying to say is that Nancy forgave me, even though I could not forgive myself. During her last visit, we were in an area of all light, she was glowing and I could smell her perfume, she told me Jim I am so in Love with you, thank you for what you are doing for me, there was no sadness even though we both knew the reality of separation, and she also confirmed that I have a place with her after leaving this earth, I asked her how long would I have to wait, she said soon, so I am just counting the seconds till I am Home again!!

[kayc]

18 hours ago, JimJim said:

I correct them and say, actually a better place is with me

I hear you.  My ONLY consolation is that George IS no longer struggling and suffering, but I totally get what you're saying!  I remember thinking the same thing when people told me that.  Someone said yesterday that they prefer someone saying the wrong thing to nothing at all...not me!  I prefer they keep silent rather than open their mouth and say something inappropriate.

18 hours ago, nashreed said:

You must be doing something right, if she's in your dreams every night! Annette isn't in mine that much.

I didn't dream of George for a whole year, and rarely have afterwards, that is that I know of, I couldn't understand it because we were so much a part of each other's lives!  He was my life!  But maybe it was just such a shock to my system and even my subconscious knew he was gone from me.    All I know is, I'd love to dream of him.  Marty mentioned people that can conjure up dreams of them but it's never worked for me no matter what I think about before I go to sleep.  I'm not very good at that kind of stuff.  

 

[JimJim]

Took over a year before I started having dreams and visits, I thought maybe Nancy was upset with me, or stopped loving me, only to find out she was protecting me to keep me safe from harmful emotions as I was in a touch and go situation at the time, and now that I am more stable, I see her mostly each night, sometimes skipping a time or two, some of the things I practice are meditation, beginners Astral traveling, don't know if these methods are to blame for the increase, but either way are a content man in that forum!! I agree that it is better to stay silent or just a simple I'm sorry will suffice when it comes to Nancy, I understand people believe they are helping with the ol cliches, but it's too much, as each passing is so different from the other 

[Gwenivere]

9 hours ago, kayc said:

Someone said yesterday that they prefer someone saying the wrong thing to nothing at all...not me! 

I’m with ya on that one!   I don’t know how anyone could prefer that.  Nothing makes me angrier than when that has happened.  I’ve always thanked the people that expressed they don’t know what to say because there is nothing they could.  I don’t know how many times I’ve had to grit my teeth with acquaintances and outright confront closer people when they offer their 'wisdom'.  

 

9 hours ago, kayc said:

All I know is, I'd love to dream of him. 

Me too.  I can’t make it happen either and rarely see him that I remember now.  During the first year I did a lot, but I hated it because I couldn’t get to him.  So it was very frustrating.  I’ve had a few we were together and in the light of day they made it worse.  I think of him all my conscious hours as it is.  I haven’t  really found a comfortable place in this alone existence and doubt I ever will.  Now I think I could handle seeing him in my sleep, but it doesn’t happen.

[DeeP]

On 4/25/2021 at 12:41 PM, JimJim said:

I know right, I mean you go from having a life one moment, and then the next it's gone, just like that, gone! Friends and family, they still have their lives, nothing has changed for them, and I understand in their own way they are trying to help, but I have to tell you when they give me sayings like, at least she's no longer in pain, or she's in a better place

This! They do not understand. I know there intentions are in the right spot but they are not living on with the void of having the one you love physically gone. I’m 28 Jim. I lost my bf he was 29. A drug overdose that nobody including myself expected. My whole world turned upside down and I’m basically living in this new life that I’m forced to adjust to. It sucks, it’s painful I hate it. Iv had moments of wanting to just go be with him bc I do believe he’s on the other side. he was my comfort and that’s where I want to be. With him. Happy again. I believe I will see him again and my pain is telling me I can’t wait till it’s my time. I’m sad it was him and not me. I’m left to have to live this now as I get older. Thinking will I meet another and them love me like he did? These are things that worry me.

 

I don’t want to sit and sulk I really really don’t. I know he didn’t like to see me cry but this pain is just different. 😔 I’m feeling pretty swallowed by the depression and one part of me is saying stop staying low and another part of me is saying just sleep. I have not felt happiness since he passed a month ago. 

[Gwenivere]

37 minutes ago, DeeP said:

part of me is saying stop staying low and another part of me is saying just sleep. I have not felt happiness since he passed a month ago. 

You are in such a horrible place right now.  We all went thru that initial shock and then conflict about what to do.  You can’t not be low right now.  Wanting to sleep is so very natural.  If you felt happiness, well, I don’t know how you could.  Half of you left with him.   We gave them a part of us we can’t get back. And do we want it without them?  It was a gift strictly for them.  I understand your concerns about ever feeling that way again.  I’m to old to think about that.  I accept that I had my 38 years and that definitely cannot be redone.  This may or may not be your only deep love, only as your life unfolds with this experience will you find out.  I feel you are strong and will survive whichever way it goes.  But the present is what you have to deal with now.  A month feels forever, but you have so much more that will challenge you fir quite some time.  My hope is you keep sharing and let us hold your hand as the path is not smooth.  

My heart really aches for you as at 29 I was blissfully happy with Steve and that was stolen from you.  We were just beginning even though we had known each other 8 years already.  We had just married, still in that honeymoon phase and bought a house.  Everything was right in the world with little speed bumps.  So many adventures already and so many more to come.  Dark times too, but we made it.  I wish you had gotten to have that time to be together snd work on the problems he needed you for.  Help you with any of yours.  Be a team.  It’s just not right when it happens to anyone still in their prime.  😪💔

[JimJim]

The pain is unbearable I know, like everything you believed in is gone, I feel like when Nancy left, why didn't I too, why was I left here to suffer with no comfort in sight, and I did attempt to be with her, to go to where she is now, my thought was if I can not be with you here, then I will go there, as you can see I failed, friends and family say I was lucky, I say otherwise! Are going on 2 and 1/2 years now, and the pain is still there, a month after Nancy left me, I was a trainwreck, and still are, but everything seemed surreal, like I was looking at myself from someplace else, even though I was there, I wasn't, as if I was in a deep fog, nothing mattered any longer, not even breathing, nobody came to visit me because they couldn't deal with my tragedy, Nancy collapsed in front of me after her heart stopped, and I couldn't save her, even there I failed, I asked and begged for the creator to come take me and bring her back, didn't work, a friend told me Jim just be thankful for the time you did have, I say you be thankful, I just want her back, and the best one is well Jim you've come this far, things should be settling down for you, makes me just want to yell out at the top of my lungs, this is not a cut or a bruise that heals, I didn't just lose the most important person to me, I lost my life, and it's never coming back! use to believe in luck, no such thing, good or bad, only just is? I wish I could tell you that there's a light at the end of the tunnel, there may be a tunnel, but not always a light, cannot be classified because pain is pain, the only thing that continues for now is time, each micro second at a time. So sorry for your loss, My Condolences. 

[DeeP]

25 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

I wish you had gotten to have that time to be together snd work on the problems he needed you for.  Help you with any of yours.  Be a team.  It’s just not right when it happens to anyone still in their prime.  😪💔

That’s what kills me the most. It all kills me actually. But the fact that yeah we didn’t even get that much time. We had our ups and downs for a while and for us to literally just get back into a great space where it felt like the beginning again; for a week later him to be gone. He was going to have to move to Cali bc the army and we were going to do long distance which definitely was going to be rough. But I think we would have been ok. And if not, at least he’d still be here and he could have lived the rest of his life he was supposed to live. And I wouldn’t be bascially half dead. 😔