Always thought we had tomorrow

[Gwenivere]

16 hours ago, JimJim said:

a friend told me Jim just be thankful for the time you did have, I say you be thankful, I just want her back, and the best one is well Jim you've come this far, things should be settling down for you, makes me just want to yell out at the top of my lungs,

I hear you.   I’ve been the recipient of such comments.   One day it took everything I had not to go outside and do just that...scream.  Wouldn’t have been as effective inside, I wanted the world to hear.  This is what’s adds to the existing pain.  I know I can’t talk to anyone about it that hasn’t experienced it snd be understood.  There us no one but my grief counselor, the people here and a local group I Zoom with.  It’s helpful, but not enough.  Still too many hours in a day and sleep flys by too fast.

16 hours ago, DeeP said:

at least he’d still be here and he could have lived the rest of his life he was supposed to live. And I wouldn’t be bascially half dead. 😔

It would be painful, but he would be alive.  We came close to divorcing once, but that pain was nothing compared to this.  We were always friends.  Just knowing he was still on this earth would have been preferable.  I know our friendship would have continued.  If he found someone else, I don’t know how I would have handled that.  I just know his existing always was important to mine.

[kayc]

11 hours ago, DeeP said:

my pain is telling me I can’t wait till it’s my time.

Stick it out, it won't always feel as painful as it does right now, although you will always love and miss him.  I know you can't see anything but the pain right now and it's the deepest pain you've ever known, I felt that way too.    We have to give it time for us to adjust, and it takes much time.

JimJim mentioned there not being light at the end of the tunnel, but he's still pretty fresh in grief himself, so of course cannot see it yet himself.  But it's there, whether you can see it or not.  Nothing is like it was, I won't kid you, but it becomes more bearable and you will get to the point eventually where you can smile and enjoy some of life again.  I can't say when, we're all different.  It's hard when we are getting old and infirm and alone, and of course these Covid times are hard socially, but thankfully you won't face old age and the pain that goes with it for a long time.  I realize your family/friends don't get it, but I hope they can learn to be a support to you and comfort you in some small way.  I'd print this out and hand it to them to read.

Helping Another in Grief

 

[kayc]

6 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

One day it took everything I had not to go outside and do just that...scream.  Woukfnt have been as effective inside

I remember going out in the woods and screaming at the top of my lungs!  I probably scared off the wildlife.  In early grief I think we need to get it out like that!  It felt cathartic.

[JimJim]

I can truly appreciate the art of time healing the wounds cut so deep, losing Nancy as I try to explain to to friends, was so much more than losing my life's partner, I lost my life, everything I knew it to be gone, just like that, all my dreams and hope vanished as I was not just living for myself, but for the both of us, and starting over is impossible, how do you start over, not that I even wish to, losing your reason for living, when you've had the one person from this entire world, the one person that loved you no matter what, the feelings of security from all the bad things that can happen in life,the one person that no matter where you were, you felt safe, even if the world were to end tomorrow, you had no cares as long as you were together, well the world did end, ended the night I lost her, now everything else feels useless, serving no purpose, and being advised that I now have to wait my turn to be with her again, all I can say is I don't know if I can or wish to, are working on it with my Dr's, but again I just don't know, Thank you all, many blessings!!

[Gwenivere]

27 minutes ago, JimJim said:

losing your reason for living, when you've had the one person from this entire world, the one person that loved you no matter what, the feelings of security from all the bad things that can happen in life,the one person that no matter where you were, you felt safe, even if the world were to end tomorrow, you had no cares as long as you were together

As I’ve added aging into the above perfect description, I’m really in a quandary about how to keep moving thru each day.  Im at the start of another that’s a repeat that never seems to end.  I have a list of things to do, but they are just time killers.  Plus I don’t want to live in a house ‘decorated' in despair.  It’s enough I have to feel it.  I don’t even know if I will be able to walk well enough to put get me out among the living which I need daily or I go to very dark places.  I have a virtual meeting with my grief counselor that will be unfulfilling.  Not so much for her help, but this added isolation for the virus.  Not that I could get into her old office as it was up a flight of stairs.   
 

I know it’s because I am aging now with some serious stuff that the yearning for him has returned a hundred fold.  Never ever thought I’d be utterly alone so soon if ever.  Queue up the anger for his leaving me and never having to face this because he had me.  I’ll never forgive nature, like it cares, for that.  I can’t find a way to get past it either.   That is my wall I bloody my fists on every day.   I want to do the things we always did as the seasons change that were 2nd nature and routine. Together.
 

it was and is such a simple and easy thing.  Loving him.  Not getting it back anymore has crippled me even more than nature has physically.  I sit here cold.  Wanting to hear, see, smell and touch him.  It will never happen.   My brain knows this and asks me why are we still here then?  I have no answers for it.  I can’t give myself one good reason to keep doing this.  The definition of despair is now totally understood, and it’s devastating.  

[JimJim]

 

2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

As I’ve added aging into the above perfect description, I’m really in a quandary about how to keep moving thru each day.  Im at the start of another that’s a repeat that never seems to end.  I have a list of things to do, but they are just time killers.  

it was and is such a simple and easy thing.  Loving him.  Not getting it back anymore has crippled me even more than nature has physically.  I sit here cold.  Wanting to hear, see, smell and touch him.  It will never happen.

This is exactly on the mark, as each day I will find chores and such that need to be done, or sometimes I will just make some up, finding that killing time is the only way to get thru the day, and it's the same vicious cycle over and over again, or some days sleeping till 2 or 3 just so I don't have tp be awake, as in my dreams she is still here, and the reality of it all is non existent, except for her visitations, as these are a blessing and a gift, I am constantly thinking of Nancy no matter where I go, or what I am doing, as everywhere I may go, we have been there before together, the Carpenter's song, Where do I go from here is the story of my life, as I always thought and never doubted that she would take me thru the years, but now alone without her by my side is unbearable, I found that all the strength I thought I had, and I always thought I was strong, was because Nancy made me feel that way, had the world by it's toes, now are barely hanging on by a string and it's slipping fast, I ask the Creator why did he not take me with her, rather then subject me to a world without her, would rather be there, then here!!

[kayc]

We're back in extreme were low/moderate before but they had an outbreak at a school, now the restaurants can't have dining in again so more businesses hurting, Jay Bosevich wrote to the governor, hasn't heard back, these poor businesses going under right and left and no control over it!  It's not directly related to them so why can't they be open, they've complied with all the cleaning, distancing, changes!  They still have to pay rent & bills, open or not.

Gwen, I think a big part of our situations are weathering old age/infirmities ALONE.  It's true, the one that gets to go first, they are the fortunate ones.  It's us living in this torture.  Although I certainly wouldn't wish this on George, not any day of the week!

 

[JimJim]

That is the greatest tragedy of all, being left behind  you read stories in the newspaper about how someone lost their life trying to save the other, or how an accident took the lives of a family all at once, of course those being a tragedy in itself, but as I'm reading the story, I can't help but feel envy that as together they lived, together they perished, nobody left behind with a shattered life, excuse my morbidity, but I wish to God that could have been my fate, as Nancy and I lived as one, we should have left as one!! 

[Gwenivere]

I would never wish this on Steve either.  But I knew the man and I honestly believe he had more strength than I do.  He also had a very large support system with his buddies and ways he could use this grief to enhance the world thru his music. I know he would have suffered, but he also always said he wouldn’t be that far behind me because of his alcohol dependence he would have given free reign that he controlled when we were together.  I know that sounds macabre.  Even his buddies have told me they doubt he would have stayed long without me.  All we can do is speculative.  I do believe, tho, that his personality was one of if there isn’t enough joy, it’s not worth being here for.

[Gwenivere]

7 hours ago, kayc said:

It's not directly related to them so why can't they be open, they've complied with all the cleaning, distancing, changes!  They still have to pay rent & bills, open or not.

This is at the feet of the people that are rushing this and going to places and not adhering to the guidelines.  Mostly being not vaccinated.  We’ve made big strides here that are keeping businesses open.  We might fall prey to those that include themselves to the CDC's new lift of no masks for those fully vaccinated being adopted by younger people especially.  Tho they are now the highest group getting infected.  The thing is this is so highly complicated snd people are pandemic weary.  With the summer coming it could get worse.  Lots of people skipping their 2nd shot feeling one is enough protection.  I just follow Fauci and while I am in that fatigue too, want this to reach herd immunity and that’s going to take a lot more people to do.  Even being fully vaccinated there is a risk of infecting others and not because we are sick.  It’s a sneaky virus that we’re still running to keep up with.  

[kayc]

Gwen, in response: 

I can't speak for everywhere, but in Lane County the outbreaks have not been restaurant related, they are complying with social distancing, cleaning, etc.  So how does small parties exposure/outbreaks affect restaurants?  Or return to school outbreaks affect restaurants?  THAT is what the head of Lane County's Public Health says and THAT is what Jay Bozievich, West Lane County Commissioner, are trying to tell the governor.  These poor restaurants are continually having to close/reopen, lay people off, make changes, bring them back, etc when it's not even helping.  Of course drastic measures were required in the beginning.  Half the people have been innoculated at least once, and most of them twice.  They kept shorting Lane County but this week they're supposed to remedy that with more vaccines.  They've seen a decrease in older people having outbreaks because it's mostly that population that got the doses, whereas it's increased in younger people who have not been vaccinated and are breaking the rules.

15 hours ago, JimJim said:

That is the greatest tragedy of all, being left behind ...Nancy and I lived as one, we should have left as one!! 

I think that would be all of our choice.  I am definitely glad George did not have to go through this, I just don't see how he could have made it, I was his rock...but then, he was mine and here I am still after all these years.  I guess life doesn't ask us what we're up to, it just throws it at us!

[Gwenivere]

I think we are both baffled by each states and federal guidelines regarding phase openings regarding the virus.  Now we are hearing of going back where I am.  I honestly can’t keep up with all the stuff I hear on the news.  Seems nothing makes sense, pandemics are so influenced by so many factors.  That’s the only thing I’ve come to learn.  I really feel for restaurants.   I totally understand people wanting to go back to it.  I haven’t heard of any hot spots in that field here either.  It’s just precautionary.  I’m glad to see here that people are still doing take out to keep smaller places afloat.  I know if Steve were here we’d probably go back being fully vaccinated.  Im hoping they get federal help.  I’m more upset about how people here have trashed many places for political reasons causing them to close for the cost of damage repair.  This pandemic has cost us in so many ways.  It’s definitely increased my grief about Steve and Ally.  If ever I needed the security of a family it is now.  Not that there would ever be a good time, but this is the worst for people struggling with existing and new losses.  

[kayc]

I skim through the news...record it, fast forward what I don't feel the need to listen in detail to...like sports & weather as it doesn't pertain to where I am, or news about places that have no bearing on my life...I do listen to world news like earthquakes somewhere or something major happening in another country, and local news (nearest cities) but beyond that, that's what the >> button is for!  I do not want inundated with daily reports about Covid, it's depressing and I can't begin to process, let alone retain it all!

My friend that started her restaurant a month ago (anyone going through Oakridge, stop at The Campfire!) will weather the punches, I'm sure, but they get no break on the rent when they're closed down!  She works out of her food truck as there's no kitchen there, but they'll still be open for takeout.  These are good friends of my son, I've known him all his life, as for her, I'd love to adopt her!   She's great at everything she does, she hunts, has gotten her own bear, skinned, gutted it, made jerky from it, bear steaks, etc. she painted murals on the walls of her business, Chad made the furniture, they're just amazing!  They came up to my place during the Snowpocalypse two years ago and brought me food and helped my son shovel snow!

[Gwenivere]

On 5/1/2021 at 11:07 AM, kayc said:

I skim through the news...record it, fast forward what I don't feel the need to listen in detail to..

I’ve had the habit of putting on the local news when I get home and recoding the national news forever now.   Over the past month I’ve noticed this hasn’t felt like a healthy choice anymore.  There’s more good news about covid, but all in all, it’s stuff that I don’t need to know.  All of them have some upbeat human interest story, but it’s not enough.  It’s shifting from covid.to hate crimes now.  Maybe I’m just sick off the stuff people do to each other.  Lots about the homeless problem here.  I didn’t live in a bubble before, but I was living a happy life so I could take in whatever was going on.   Things have changed, tho.  Covid seems to be the catalyst for much of the problems now aired.  Or just people in a catastrophic reaction mode from politics to lockdown frustration.  Another behavior I need to change.  Even reading my Time or Psychology Today are more and more articles about problems never conceived of before.  Too much about death.  I’m sure that is the trigger.  

[kayc]

I find I'm forwarding through it more and more, so sick of hearing about Covid and that's all they seem to talk about any more.  It'd be nice if they'd break the monotony with a positive human interest story once in a while.  Before Covid, there was NEWS!  Where did it go?  It surely didn't all just disappear with Covid!  I'm sick of hate crimes, Portland riots, etc.  I try not to take in what doesn't concern me, which is most of it, it's overload of negativity.

[Gwenivere]

I saw the title of this thread and see I am so feeling that lately.  Maybe it’s the coming of spring, life sprouting all over, more people out and about, longer comfortable days and less restrictions so activities that didn’t happen last year will this summer.  I loved this time of year as we could spread out more.  Use the yard, go more places with the dogs, BBQ, just so much more wing room.  I could hear music rehearsals or jams because doors could be left open.  Everything is still shut tight.  The most I’ll do is open windows, run fans or be trapped by high heat when we get our week of unlivable temps.  
 

I sit outside and look at what I already described elsewhere as the ghosts that surround me.  How life has become getting thru the hours that now feel very long because I’m aware of the empty time.  
 

I’m a prisoner of this spinal stenosis.  My only option is to have my body cut open and gamble on results of hardware.  I’ve had several surgeries, but laparoscopic.  I’ve never been cut open and it terrifies me.  I’ve heard it is most painful as other surgeries because they have to cut thru muscle.  The healing is long and intense.  This weighs on me every day plus the having to be in a rehab for weeks.  Last time I was in rehab I could leave.  It was for pneumonia.  Serious, but I could walk.  This is a nightmare to think of.  Being helpless on my own.  Can’t even control my own anxiety meds.  
 

I’ve written about this so many times.  It’s just getting worse and I find myself thinking of other outs that are so dark. Wondering why this happened on top of how drastically my life was altered already.  How to balance in thyroid and other conditions and losses.  It’s overwhelming.  I want what we all can’t have.  Even if I factor out Steve, I can’t have Ally back as my 15 year baby and got me thru losing Steve and so much covid shut down.  Just being my companion on drives felt better.  Melody rides in the car curled up in back.  Won’t move til we get home.  On my own, I can’t create things to do because of my back.  There are street fairs going in my new buddies go to.  Just walks at the park.  I’m wincing just walking down the hall.  When I went to the ER I had to trade more source for my back to find out why my stomach was in high level pain.  It’s a lose lose.  
 

have an appointment with the thyroid doc soon.  I know it will be frustrating as none of the MD's want to factor in our mental states.  That is so important.  I don’t now why they don’t get that.  I was a much better feeling patient with my old doc that saw the whole me.  Understood the frustration of so much to juggle.  Now it’s take to your counselor and they have their hands tied as they don’t want and can’t offer medical advice.  It’s existing in a twister at its whims.  
 

I thought about what Steve would think if he could see how I’ve wound up.  I know he’d feel horrid he couldn’t help and lord knows he would have.  Someone to lean on and another set of eyes on the whole me.  Helping make decisions on possible solutions.  Rehab not being as scary if I had an active advocate as I was for him.  Coming to visit so it wasn’t so lonely that I experienced last time.  One of my counselors asked if I was just waiting to die.  I said yes.  He was not surprised.  Nor was my other when I told her he asked.

[JimJim]

Your physical along with your mental state sounds twofold, and are so sorry to hear of your dilemma, and I totally get the other set of eyes knowing the whole you, Nancy could tell what I was thinking about just by looking at me, as I her, the telepathy is just there, and that I believe only happens once in a lifetime, the hardest part is that nobody understands me any longer, getting thru this crazy world is hard enough, but when you have your life's partner with you then everything seems OK, good or bad, as long as you are together, the world could end tomorrow, and that would be okay, as long as you have the most important person in the world besides you, you mention waiting to die, a feeling I understand very well, it's like I no longer belong here, I've experienced the most beautiful of love, that will never come again, so what's left? Gwen I wish you well on your journey of physical healing, as you've already experienced the most traumatic of life on love's stage. 

[nashreed]

I would be totally cool with the world ending. I wish they'd stop toying with us about these asteroids that never actually hit the planet.

I can understand not feeling like you belong here. I really just wish my life here could be over. I've lived my life, I found my soul mate, and I just feel like I'm overstaying my welcome now. 

The problem is, I had a love in my life for so long that I can't live without love like that. A lot of people, like my brother, have never had a love or a relationship and don't know what they're missing, and they're content with a life of TV, and life on earth without love. They're not happy, but they don't know what they're missing either. I just have such a hard time existing in this limbo, where I had so much love before. 

 

[JimJim]

Totally agree, believe that the one person we are destined to call our love, life's partner, husband or wife, Soulmate, the one that we believe in, and would willingly give our life for, believe that when we have this person in our lives, as my Nancy was for me, this is the reason for our existence, this is the answer to all the why's, this was my reason for reason, had a Dr tell me that I was a someone before her, my answer was perhaps I existed, but I wasn't alive, my life started once I knew the reason why, and my Nancy brought this to me, like you I have loved and been loved by the most beautiful soul, and I've lived to experience her, and now like Nancy it is time for me to journey on to the next level, life is complete. just my thoughts, Thank you 

[kayc]

I am not in a dark place right now but even so I would be okay if the world ended because of my faith, and I'd have to trust God to look after my little one, he is pretty much my incentive to keep going and do my best.  My heart is full of empathy for your situation Gwen, but empathy does nothing to relieve your situation, I wish there was something constructive that was a possibility for you, something/anything to give you a glimmer of hope.

My kids called me right before bedtime Mother's Day.  My son said I need to dig out around the pier block on the pole barn, it's on a hill and filled with dirt around it.  It was really hard with my knee and hands but I got the top of the pier block uncovered.  I don't think my kids have a clue how hard is this pain and loss of strength, they can't know, they've never been there.  I'm turning 70 next year, I wonder if I'll still be here trying to keep up this place when I'm 90.  Is it even possible?

My sister called yesterday, said her hot water is out.  I told her to call the plumber.  She didn't.  I asked if she checked the circuit breaker, she did but can't move them over.  I told her to call her big strapping neighbor.  Checked on her later and she said he got it mostly over but not all the way.  They don't make those breakers anymore (70 years old).  I told her I can get the name of a reasonable electrician (none here locally) that lives here but whose office is an hour away, I'd be willing to be they could look at it and charge from their home instead of office.  She said they'd require her whole house to be rewired and she can't afford it.  Bert left $30,000 for her so she's not as broke as she made out (I paid for his cremation and had my neighbor make an exotic crafted wooden box) but without an estimate she can't know she can't afford it.  Waiting to see if the water warms up as she said it takes a long time when it's been out a couple of days (she must not have told me right away).

Good news!  My BP was 119/70 this morning!!!  Lowest it's been all year and first time it's been in normal range in a long time!.

[AlvinC]

On 11/24/2020 at 6:35 PM, JimJim said:

I always thought we would have tomorrow.

I don't know if you will find this at all useful but I dived in every chance I had to be with my Dotti. I invested every second I could in being with her and doing things with her. I never took her for granted, but just like you I took tomorrow for granted. Her death blind-sided me because there was just no way she was going to die now. Not now. But she did. And all the time I spent with her didn't change the horrible pain I feel today, other than to make it worse because of the contrast of what I had before, with what I have today. There is no getting around the fact that loss hurts no matter what came before, and regrets only bring us pain, with no value gained. Thank you for sharing your story. I just found this message board today and it has had a very positive effect on me. I am not alone in this. 

[JimJim]

So sorry for your loss!!    I don't think it can be called pain, as it classifies more as intense agony just realizing that the one person, one person out of a world full of people, this one person held more of your life in her hands, then the entire world combined, the sun rose and set with her, that no matter what could happen to you, it didn't matter as long as we were together when it happened, we could override anything this world would throw at us, as long as we did it together, and now that one person is gone, never to come back, the one person who loved you no matter what, all our flaws and goofs, still loved you anyway, more then anyone else ever could, that one person is gone, the world is upside down now, and no longer makes any sense, and if there is no sense, then what's the point, I know the purpose of this forum is to help yourself and maybe others that experiencing the same pain, well I also think it should explore the dark side of loss, this is not something that you can just do this or that, and magically it's fixed, this will never be fixed, ever!! Life is quite clear how this works, somebody dies and that's that, life goes on for the living, so kick up your bootstrap and get on with it, that may work well for others, but not for me, I say okay life so you decided to harm me and make it stick, well I've got something for you life, you don't control everything, and you certainly don't control me, you life can stick it, when you have nothing, then you have nothing left to lose. Thank you  I apologize if this offends anyone, is not the intention. Take care all.

[AlvinC]

Thank you JimJim. You nailed it. My wife got a little figurine for my office that shows a little girl in a dress holding a bunch of flowers and she is holding hands with a little boy with one hand in his pants pocket and the other holding her hand, and they had big eyes that are looking right into the other's eyes. The caption that is written on the base says, "There's Nothing We Can't Solve Together." There is little plaque on our bedroom door that says, "We may not have it all together, but together we have it all." We had a sign for above that door for years that said, "Honeymoon Lane." The honeymoon finally ended on May 29. The suffering still has a ways to go. But when I go, Dotti's ashes and mine will be spread over the water at the top of the falls where we had our first date. It was a beautiful outing for us both, nearly 47 years ago, climbing 700 feet into the air to get an amazing view of the Columbia River. That was always our place, and we climbed it many times since. We will only have one more trip ahead of us together to the top of the falls, and we will have to be carried that time, but then we get the E-Ticket ride over the falls. Dotti loved thrilling rides, so I know she would enjoy this one. 

I wrote a short story years ago, for my blog on Dotti's web page. Later I turned it into an audio book sort of thing for a video on my YouTube channel. I called it When a Goddess Calls. It was about a Greek man of Athens thousands of years ago and he took a walk out of the city and on the trail he encountered a goddess. She took an interest in him and offered to take him to Olympus to live with her. She was divinely beautiful and he desperately wanted to go with her, but he had the wisdom to realize that when she tired of him, he would be cast back into the dreary world once more and never again would he be satisfied with anything from his normal existence again. No woman could measure up to the goddess. Everything would be dark and dreary forever. So, he refused, and because the goddess loved wisdom she didn't strike him dead but instead blessed him. Little did I know when I wrote that story that I would be living the very existence that the man of Athens avoided, because my time with my goddess has left me here, where my sunshine is gone, and nothing has any joy or flavor any longer. 

I once told my dentist, when he had given me a Novocain shot that the universe has a physical law that I call "The Law of the Conservation of Pain." Novocain hurts when you are given it balance the scales for the pain you will miss. The highs are offset by the lows and in the end it is a wash. The highs feel so good that we seek them out but the lows then seek us out, and the scales are balanced. In the book Hero With a Thousand Faces, it is pointed out that all stories have the same ending, and it is an unhappy one. The happy ending is a myth because "happily ever after" will end in death. And we poor humans arrive into this existence with no one asking our permission to put us here, and we struggle as best we can, and then we return to the great nothingness from whence we came. In a thousand years, probably far sooner than that, no one will care about us or our joys and our sufferings. And it will then be as if we never were. 

[JimJim]

I really admire your plans for the ceremony of both your's ashes after you leave, as Nancy and I were also adventurers in life, and I would agree that your wife would be thrilled with your plans, one last earthly adventure, and with the honeymoon being over, mine too ended Dec 3 2018, and I tell you, as for me, it could've just happened today as the agony and torture continues as if day 1, whenever someone tells me that Nancy would want for me to go on, to be happy again, I know they mean well, but I want to reach out and strangle them, I myself, me, I know what Nancy would want, you don't have a clue, and that's only for me to know.

Couldn't have said it better myself, as Nancy was a Goddess, at least to me, she could light up a room like nobody else, and to her there were no strangers, all living things as she would say are interconnected, would trike up a conversation with anyone in her path as if she'd known them for years, and a sense of humor, when we would go to her hospital appointments, she would ask if it was okay for me to stay in the room as I was her emotional support animal Lol, and giving to a fault, she would become easily upset at the injustices of the world, as she was a huge supporter of equal rights, would give you half her sandwich if she felt you were hungry, and so intelligent, even though she had a master's degree, she never once put her herself above anybody else, would always say that were all part of the same universe, therefore we're all the same.

And now my Goddess has left, and like you nothing will ever be the same, all the joy of living has vanished, poof gone, all the simple things that use to give us pleasure, walks in the park, driving trips up to he mountains, going to the movies, when doing these things now, it means nothing, there's no feeling inside of me, either good or bad, there's just nothingness, no longer get upset at anything, there is absolutely nothing anyone can do to me, that can upset me anymore, the worst has happened, a nightmare that came true, the one important thing it has done to me, is that I no longer fear death, as a matter of fact, I welcome it with open arms, was on a flight recently that was experiencing severe turbulence, very big drops in the air, I noticed a couple in front of me that were arguing when boarding the plane, and continued to do so while in flight, when the turbulence hit, they stopped all the bickering and just held each other, realizing what is really important, the safety of your partner, I just sat there emotionless, not a shred of fear anywhere in my body, as a matter of fact I felt sorry for others, but I myself was ready and still are, as a matter of fact it would be a relief, when you've had the best in life, nothing can ever replace it, with my Nancy here, I had an excellent life, all my needs were met plus more, life was the best, more then I could have asked for, I was blessed and I am grateful for that, I had the most Soulful Beautiful Human at my side, and I was honored, truly a lucky man, and now with her physically gone, being here is just not as important anymore, not at all for that matter, and in a thousand years if nobody even remembers we were ever here, think that's a good thing, as only Nancy and I will remember, wherever we may be.

[Gwenivere]

Reading this recent exchange between JimJim and Alvin makes me sad.  It makes me wonder what Steve would be feeling if he had lost me.  He would never join a place like this, wasn’t in his nature.  I know he saw me as I truly am, flaws snd all.  He didn’t think I was perfect.  He did take to calling me his bride after we renewed our vows after the brink of divorce.  I know he told his buddies how much I meant to him.  Told me.  He confronted his family for inconsiderate behavior towards me.  But if he had to write about me, I don’t know what he would have said.  He told me if I died, he wouldn’t last long.  He would have surrendered to alcohol, I do know that.  I’ve written a lot about him over the years here.  Their not all flattering as he had failings as we all do.  As the saying goes, he wasn’t perfect, but he was perfect for me.  I didn’t idolize him, I just loved him more than any person I ever knew and always will.  He loved me more than anyone did and ever will.  I don’t have any memorials in our house for him.  Much has changed, but his office snd music studio are still basically as he left them.  His bedside table is now just a lamp and blanket controller.  I removed his C Pap and books.  Things like his clothes are gone except for a few things that were so him.  His collection of guitars have been given to who he willed them to.  The house has pictures of him and us scattered about as they always have been.  It’s the lack of anything new over the last 6+ years that I really notice.  Signs that show he lives here.  We would have a new TV and other tech things he would do because he was into that.  The only thing I did myself was get this iPad because I never needed one when he was here.  I was too busy living  our life which was me in my own outlets and then time with him.  I can’t do the outlets anymore for med reasons but I so miss talking to him about the world and our life.  We always had dogs that completed our family.  They are gone now and I have one who never knew him.  The word 'dad' means nothing to her.  Plus we always had 2.  It would be good for me to have another, but I physically can’t get another settled into the routine and rules.  It’s profoundly lonely losing my once whole family.  Wish he knew this new dog and he would have been able to help bring in another to keep our family going.  It’s profoundly lonely watching life from the sidelines.  Not caring much about myself.  I lost that inner esteem thru him and my own body betraying me now.  Taking me away from doing things that could boost my identity.  Hard to do when you can barely get thru a day in pain.  That snd covid took away my biggest connection outside of us my volunteering.  I need to be with people so this is a cruelly ironic situation.
 

He wrote a song for me when we first got together.  I’ll always love that.  I don’t know that I have a copy of it.  His buddies might.  I do have other recordings he made I cannot listen to still after all these years.  I accidentally wiped out our answering machine message and it broke my heart as he wrote the dialogue we did.  I have a copy, but it’s not the same.  Hell, nothing is the same nor ever will be.  This home is now cold.  All the things that annoyed me I miss.  All the safety I felt are gone.  I had to trade my partner for a medic alert button.  I don’t cook anymore. I watch TV and movies alone.  Watch life happening from the sidelines and can’t share things that happen with him.  Can’t even have discord to settle with him.  And no one in what is left of people around me, and that is skeletal, understands one iota how this feels.