So Much Loss And Confusion

[elizabeth_j_cooper]

I am lost.

Four years ago las month I lost my best friend. I had great support and was grieving fairly well and moving on with what I knew my friend would want me to do. Then three months later almost to the day another close friend of mine died. Again I started the grieving process all over again and was moving on again.

More of the people closest to me died but again life went on.

I found a great guy who was there for me on all the anniversaries of my friends deaths. My parents always supported me and helped me in times of grief. Little did I know that those tough deaths would never prepair me for the grief I am facing now.

My Mom died a year and 8 months ago. I was 21, getting ready to be married and college graduation was just around the corner for me. My life turned upside down in a heartbeat. Mom was dead!

The autopsy said drug overdose. But my mom was on numerous medications for numerous ailments. So I somehow doubt that was the root of it all. And if it was then the doctors should have been held accountable for pumping her so full of drugs.

Then within a few months of her death I was deployed with my reserve unit overseas. I spent the first mothers day after her death alone and crying. I spent the 6 month anniversary of her being gone alone and crying.

Before I had left I had married my fiancee and upon returing had the wedding that I had planned before the deployment. I felt so lost doing all the planning with out my Mom, with out my best friend.

No one around here seems to understand what it is like to be a 22 year old planning a wedding without your mom. I survived! The wedding went perfect. But there was still a void.

I don't think that void has ever been delt with though. It seems like I haven't had a chance yet to even realize my Mom is gone. I cry occasionally but mostly I just seem to block out any thought of my mom being gone. Sometimes it hits like a brick. I just can't deal with thinking about it any more. I want to cope and grieve but I have so much on my mind right now I just don't allow myself to.

My dad called tonight and sprung the news on me that he is seeing someone. For me this is so hard. I have barely delt with my mom being gone yet he is seeing someone?

I am not just some kid. I realize that he needs companionship and someone to love him. I don't want him to be alone all of his life. I just don't know if I am ready for this yet. I know it isn't my place to be ready for this though. I guess if he is ready then it is his life. I just don't understand how after 30 years of marriage he can be ready after only a little over a year and a half. I am scared of what happens if they end up staying together and I have to meet this woman. What if they get married? I know I am way ahead of myself here. But I just feel so confused.

No one around here has gone through anything that I have gone through. I feel so alone sometimes. The only one I can talk to is God. My husband is great but I just don't think someone can fully understand the pain a person has when they lose someone unless they themselves have lost someone close.

And I sometimes think even though some people have lost people close to them it isn't the same when you lose your mom.

I just am glad I finally found someplace that others may actually know how I am feeling.

[Hans]

Elizabeth,

I'm sorry you lost your mom. My mom died July 4th last year and I understand the feelings you have on all fronts. Grief is a drag and I struggle with it in a variety of ways even now. Your father is grieving in his own way too. It sucks to be alone and so it is not surprising he would like to spend time with someone. After all, life is too short as you both have found out.

I don't have the magic words or advice for you, but I know it is comforting to hear from others who have experienced loss. Take care.

[bobsgal]

Dear Elizabeth,

I am so sorry to hear of your many losses. And as you are finding out now, each one is different as each relationship is different. I have not lost my mom, but I did lose my husband and best friend from a sudden and unexpected heart attack. Your grief for your mom may have been delayed somewhat due to circumstances beyond your control, with your being deployed and all, but there is no set time frames to get through all this. You will always miss your mom, that is a given. But the missing will be colored with wonderful comforting memories eventually, instead of the stark void that they are colored with now. You will always think of her when anything of any significance happens in your life, and that is the way it should be. She was part of the major shaping in how you think and feel, and death cannot erase that from you. She is always your mom.

As far as your dad and his new friend/love interest. You know all the things in your head that you stated are true and right ... but at times that is hard to take in your heart. But as you already know, we, as people, are capable of loving more than one person at a time. That includes loving someone again after our spouse has died. Your father has been blessed to have someone come into his life, to be able to express the love that he was taught through loving your mom for those many years. For some widows/ers this happens quickly, and for others it is slower, and even for some it never happens. But a new relationship of love does not diminish the one that we had, rather it is a testament to how our loved one keeps moving forward, expanding with us as we grow and heal. No one can ever replace your mom, she was unique, individual and totally your mom. None of us are replaceable. We are each unique.

I am glad you made your way to this group. I hope you keep writing and getting all this out. Somehow the "monster" is not quite so formidable when the light is turned on it. It helps to read what others are feeling, and it makes you realize that you're not that crazy after all. I will be keeping you in my thoughts as you move through this journey. Sending you warm hugs to wrap yourself in when the grief gets so big and cold, remember you are being thought of dear Elizabeth.

Love and Blessings,

Lynda (bobsgal)