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What did you keep and what did you get rid of?


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Thanks. It means a lot that you would take the time to write that out. 

I'm torn. I'm resigned that I won't find anyone like Annette ever again- she was perfect for me. But I guess the "man" in me wants another relationship- for companionship and affection. This is not the era to be single. Is there ever going to be a time when you could meet somebody at the grocery store, deciding on melons? Everybody avoid strangers like the plague- literally, and I'm afraid that mindset is here to stay. 

I know Annette wouldn't mind me having another relationship. We said that I could even have an affair- if it was a redhead (my type). I doubt there's any available anyway. Every woman seems taken. For every breathing female there's a dozen men looking for action. I don't even have a job right now. I'm on disability living with my Mom, and I wouldn't want to even attempt to get a job in this environment. She's 84, and it's good she has someone here and she's not left alone much. It's bad enough my brother works at Walmart. It's like playing Russian Roulette. 

So, yeah, I know I might be young, but I fear my hopes as far as another romantic relationship is not in the cards. It's the getting used to not having a purpose that's hard. Being her caregiver, but also her best friend. We could be ourselves, as nasty as we wanted to be. We could discuss feelings and fears and dreams. My family doesn't do feelings. Hugs are not done. It's a very hard adjustment. I just take it one day at a time.

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2 hours ago, nashreed said:

I'm torn. I'm resigned that I won't find anyone like Annette ever again-

Please, don't look for Annette.  It is sad, but there was only one Annette.  If you go in comparing, looking for the same things, you might not find her again.  "Another" will have her own ways.  If you compare, it would not be fair to "her."  You cannot clone Annette, and you just have to follow your heart.  If "she" does not live up to your priorities, you might try living up to "hers"  Pardon the pun, but you could kiss a lot of frogs before you find your princess.  I try to compare it to my son's expectations.  He likes younger women, but if he gives them a chance, one closer to his age might appreciate him more than a young inexperienced one.  He used to be DJ in a strip club and often would "bring his work home with him." One of those women he liked but did not respect..  She had a small son and it turns out she was paying for her education.  She is now a lawyer.  His last long term relationship was a train wreck for all the time he was with her.  His dad's death has had him depressed along with the relationship ending, by him.  I have high hopes he will find happiness.  I would imagine you will too.  It won't be the same.  But, you have to want happiness again, and you have to give yourself time to grieve.  

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You better believe there was only one Annette. I miss her so much.

You know, it is very lonely. I literally have nowhere to go. I drive around a pretty small town and it is booring. 

When I'm home, my Mom and I don't talk a lot. She's always nodding off, for no other reason than that she's old. She closes her eyes and looks totally like she's sleeping, but if you ask she will never admit it- she's always awake, but her eyes are also closed and her head is down. It's so irritating. Why do people get so offended about being caught nodding off? Annette got mad about it too.  Plus she's hard of hearing, and my voice is so low in volume and hard to understand. I hate shouting. It's just easier to not talk. 

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Maybe your mom is lost in her memories.  The only time Billy has visited me was when I nodded off.  One time he kissed my forehead, I saw his khaki colored pants, then he was gone.  Another time also.  Of course I know he is not there, but it felt so real.  Sometimes I'm afraid to nod off.  I spent my first months reading this forum and other books written by widows or widowers.  Martin Short's was the best.  It was humorous, but you could feel his pain too.  

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I’ve only seen Steve in my sleep.  None of the 'signs' he is around that others have felt.  If anything, it’s the opposite.  I see things I wish he could because they are odd.  But I don’t believe in sending signs because if that were possible, I think he could make himself 'visible' in some way to be unable to deny it is him.  So many people have left my life from death and none have felt present.  I don’t know what’s beyond this mortal plane.  It could be a continuation of energy, spiritual beliefs of reuniting or nothingness.  I’m so driven by logic that the closest experience I’ve had of being shut down mentally unlike sleep is anesthesia and there was nothing there.  The odd waking to being alive again by physical sensations.  I’d drift back to nothing to be woken again til it stuck.  

Marg, your insight into other people is so accurate.  There is a huge danger of comparisons we can fall into if we try to find another partner.  I’m so aware of that and have no desire to do that.  Plus being my age, it would be too much work to get to anything close to what I require in another.  It took so long for us to get it right.  I wouldn’t have the patience as I so hunger for what I had that took so many years, experiences, ups, downs and everything in between.  I look at men and feel nothing now.  There is only one man that can muster my emotions now.   This is the price and once reward of totally giving oneself to another.  I knew there was risk, but I thought maybe divorce kind of heartbreak.  Never imagined this.

Janes, just so you know (if I am getting your drift right), the 'man' in you wanting a relationship and affection is just as strongly felt by women.  I would give anything for his touch and that intimacy.  I’m 14 years older than you so I don’t notice many men in real life as I have no desire for pursuit or being pursued.  But I’m not dead, so I see some movies with fav actors that remind me of those times and how lonely a bed can be.  

 

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I believe that her spirit is around- I just can't feel it because I can't calm my mind at all. If I wake up to go to the bathroom, that's it- my mind starts up with all this stupid stuff and it takes a while to fall back asleep. It would be very frustrating for her to try to contact me I imagine. 

I am in contact with a widowed friend who has been to a medium, and her husband has been able to give her signs and she's been told he is watching over her. Maybe I want to believe too much. I don't know why some people can't tap into that energy. 

We hadn't been able to sleep in the same bed for years, but there's so much more to marriage than the physical. I just miss it all- every aspect. You're right, Gwen, it would be waaay too much work to have a relationship that really means something. I'd settle for a couple of good friends at this point. 

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I had a very strong bond with my father, at times almost like an ESP. In 1977, he suffered an abdominal aneurysm. As I walked beside the gurney to the ambulance holding his hand, I said "I'm right here, daddy". He replied "I know you are". Those were the last words he ever spoke. I dreamed of him frequently. We would have conversations. At some point he would say "You know I can't stay" and I would tell him I knew. I wasn't unbearably sad because I knew he'd return. Those dreams were so real, I'd swear he was standing at the end of the bed. It's funny, but I don't recall talking much with my mother about his death, but I know she was crushed and like so many of us, thought she could run from the deadly silence of the house. I remember her taking a lot of trips to visit relatives around the country and one trip to Europe. After Ron died, I felt ashamed that I never really talked to her about how she felt. At his death, it was all about "me". He was my father. I never thought about the fact he was her husband until it happened to me.

I didn't dream of Ron for a long time. Then when I finally did, he was angry, a demeanor he exhibited toward me during many years of our life together. Finally that anger is gone. In dreams I have of him now, we seem to be more like the couple we were when we married. Maybe he is finally at peace now.

As far as signs of his presence or that he's watching over me, that's never happened.

I'm old enough to be your mother, Nash and like Gwen, I'm not dead. I just don't have the energy or desire to do it all over again. Besides, I can't fathom going out with a 75-80 year old man. 😄

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The only men that show interest in me are old enough to be my father, nope!  It would be nice to have a companion friend but at this point I've lived alone for over 15 years now, not sure I could again, although it would be nice to have the company.  So many potential pitfalls to look out for!  Controlling, draining, only concerned about themselves/their family, etc.  Would take someone really special to get my attention!  I've learned a lot in the last 10-15 years, about myself, am more aware than I used to be.  I have higher criteria than ever now.  Funny, I just lucked out with George, I really did.  Maybe the odds were in my favor at that time.

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I was very lucky. What are the odds of finding your soul mate? If I hadn't applied at that fast food place and got hired, I never would have met her. We lived in the same town, but never went to the same schools. It could have easily been another place that I could have applied at. Up until this year, I always believed you were where you were supposed to be. things happen for a reason, etc. It always seemed like me and Annette- us against the world, we could make it through anything- we always did, ...until she didn't. 

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Fate is a funny thing, Nash. I've told this before, but I met Ron sitting at a stoplight on the way to a friend's house. He looked over and asked me if I wanted to go for a drink. I told him no. Then I did something I'd NEVER done before and definitely wouldn't do in this day and age. After all, he was kind of cute and had a hot car so I asked him if he wanted to follow us to a club and go dancing. For some reason, I gave him my real name and #, which I never did. We went out twice. The second time he came home with me and stayed for 41 years. We married 2 months later knowing very little about one another. Very different personalities and backgrounds, through many ups and downs, we managed to stay together all those years. He taught me about life and love and there's very few things about those years I would change. In my heart, I knew he was a good man. One of a kind.

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I wouldn't mind dating someone but moving in together, starting over and getting used to quirks, habits etc.?  Not now.  I realized, at one point, that I put up with a lot of things then that I would not tolerate now.  Of course, I was much younger then.  Maybe getting more set in my ways. 🤣

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This may sound stupid and I don't know if men think about this, but being a woman, I'd almost be afraid to go out with a stranger. I'm not near as strong and fast as I used to be and what if he turned out to be a serial killer or rapist. To be truthful, I'm not real good at reading people. Ron was, but I kind of take people at face value. I watch and read way to many crime stories, I guess. Good thing I'm not really interested. I definitely wouldn't want to live with someone new.

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I wonder if that's even possible- just to date, when you're over 50. 

I really wouldn't want anything other than casual companionship. I doubt many women in my age group are looking for the same thing. Most will have children of some age- I can't be anybody's stepdad. I have nothing really to offer financially- I'm sure that's a no-go. Why can't two lonely people just want to spend time together without committing to change each others lives?

 

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2 minutes ago, KarenK said:

This may sound stupid and I don't know if men think about this, but being a woman, I'd almost be afraid to go out with a stranger. I'm not near as strong and fast as I used to be and what if he turned out to be a serial killer or rapist. To be truthful, I'm not real good at reading people. Ron was, but I kind of take people at face value. I watch and read way to many crime stories, I guess. Good thing I'm not really interested. I definitely wouldn't want to live with someone new.

I don't think there's nearly as many serial killers around these days. People are too lazy. Knowing my luck, I'm sure I give off "creep" vibes. I'm definitely not an athletic guy, and I've never been a guy who exudes confidence or have any handyman skills or.... Yeah, I'm going to be alone the rest of my life. That's okay. I had my love- a lot of people never do. It's this purgatory I'm in now that I need to accept.

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Steve and I didn’t do the dating thing.  We snuck around because of marriage issues.   Our marriages ended thru choice tho.  Oddly we didn’t get together right away.  Steve took a job here in Seattle and the separation changed everything. He was flying back every other weekend.  I had thought it was just a super attraction thing, but none would ever have made me quit my job, store my stuff and move to Seattle the first time he asked.  Thought it would end at some point just like others even tho this felt different.   I was deeply in love and didn’t want to acknowledge that.  When he said we should get married I was stunned.  I knew his track record, maybe 4 years.  But I did and while we came close to ending it twice, it was only successful when death snatched him away.   We never did figure out what made our connection/addiction so intense beyond anything we ever felt.  No matter how bad, we couldn’t stay away from each other, even when separated there were excuses made to be together.  We both were the ones that ended things with previous partners.  We couldn’t with each other.  

So I read the above start if this discussion and see, no, I couldn’t 'date' anyone again.  Like Karen, I could never live with anyone again.  Yes, I want companionship, but it would be disappointing.   As Kieron said, set in my ways.  Ways only he would fill.  I’ve had years to think about this and nothing or no one has made me feel anything.  I had interest a couple years after by some, I felt nothing.  Didn’t want the possibility of them feeling anything I could never reciprocate.  

I was and am still in love.  Always will be.  

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55 minutes ago, nashreed said:

Why can't two lonely people just want to spend time together without committing to change each others lives?

They can.  I hear about it all the time.  There is always a risk one will get more emotionally attached tho.  I guess it’s something that they would have to keep in check.  Or, maybe it would be for both.

Since this path is different for everyone, so are the choices.  I opted not to take invitations for coffee or lunch from men because I sensed they wanted more.  I gravitated to 'safe' people like nursing home residents and other women if they crossed my path.  I don’t want the mess of possible expectations I do not want.

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34 minutes ago, nashreed said:

I wonder if that's even possible- just to date, when you're over 50

I have two kids over 50.  Both have had different relationships.  I've learned about things I might not want to know, but now I am "woke."  Strange, sometimes I still flinch when I'm told something I really didn't want to know.  With my kids and grandchildren, I've been re-introduced to music.  I was really country, when country wasn't cool.  Now I am given different pronouns that when I was 18, were a foreign country.  My granddaughter insists I come into whatever century this is.  In 2014, my body finished up what started in 1982, and I scare doctors.  Nothing below my waist (if I had one) can be fixed and I find myself looking at death sooner than another man.  I have no desire or time for another relationship.  Another strange thing, I do not regret it.  Billy was very jealous and I'm afraid I'd really see him again.  That is really a joke, because the desire is flat lined.  

I do know this.  If I had not had the medical calamities that I have had, I still would not look for companionship.  But, I doubt anyone is like me.  I hope not.  I do think for any woman, or man, looking for a relationship, there is someone out there looking for the same.  

The woman that manages these apartments, she is a cute middle aged woman that when I moved in she was so excited about getting remarried.  I saw her happy wedding pictures.  She had been a youngish widow of two years.  I usually pay with a money order put into a secure box in an envelope.  We have to make appointments to go into my credit union, so I paid with a check I signed, she filled out for me, because I shake.  Her new husband from last Christmas was a victim of this illness and she was a widow again, she showed me his obituary card with his wedding picture on it.  It had not been a year.  She had told me of the land they had bought and the excitement of moving a mobile home onto it.  She is now getting settled in the mobile home, alone.  

I feel like I've had all the relationships enough.  I've still  got Billy with me.  In fact, he is on his table next to the computer.  I have all his mementoes on that table, his awards from work, a sign I found, big, hanging above them that says "A TRUE LOVE STORY NEVER ENDS" and a beautiful cabinet, oak, glass covered with red velvet shelves that hold his precious hobby, different animal and bird "calls" on each shelf. Maybe it is a shrine.  I have a very small Christmas tree with the little sparkling lights that don't burn out.  They are on night and day.  All year.  I have a jolting little sign he wrote one day when he went fishing, I found while packing,  on the front of his wooden urn that says "Love you, will be back by noon" written with a red Sharpie.  I don't have a monument yet, but was given the deed to the little plot of ground behind Mama and Daddy, my grandparents, next to my uncle and aunt, and the kids know what to do when the time comes.  They will mix us back together, and by faith, I have to believe we will already be together again.  

I do know some of you look for happiness again, and I do believe that is possible for you if you are open to it.  Another word salad.  Sorry.  I am the Grinch, I hate Christmas, but I'm the only Grinch in our family, and I can fake it, maybe.  

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1 hour ago, KarenK said:

This may sound stupid and I don't know if men think about this, but being a woman, I'd almost be afraid to go out with a stranger.

That doesn't sound stupid in the least.  It's a very real difference in the experiences of women compared to men.

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4 minutes ago, Marg M said:

I do know this.  If I had not had the medical calamities that I have had, I still would not look for companionship.  But, I doubt anyone is like me.  I hope not.  I do think for any woman, or man, looking for a relationship, there is someone out there looking for the same.  

I wouldn’t be either, Marg.  There’s nothing wrong with it.  Steve would be jealous as a mortal, but I know he would be happy if I found that again. I just know I won’t.  This is not something I choose either.  We all know ourselves.  I look at the reality of my situation physically and mentally and know it’s not a part.  I had my relationships and the ultimate one.  There is no going back or settling for anything less.  

Some find others.  I’m happy for them.  Glad my mother did or I would never have had a father.  But she was a divided woman half her life.  She wasn’t very happy.  Her road was detoured from the man she loved the most and began a family with.  I benefited from her pain.  It’s an odd thing now that I think about it.

So, you are not alone.  Others here feel the same.  It’s not good or bad.  It’s just the way it is.  If anything age has given, it’s seeing who we really are now that we don’t chase illusions.  Or try and create things that cannot be and would make this feel worse.

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1 hour ago, nashreed said:

I don't think there's nearly as many serial killers around these days

You all know my story of my having to be at the Houston hospital when my little girl was 14. I trusted our youth director at the church.  He even prayed over my dying father while he was preying on my child.  It went on three years and came to a stop with an OD. We were involved with my dad having terminal cancer the same time I had mine.  My brother-in-law kept my daughter and would take her to "church things."  I cannot tell you what all we did, but at her age we didn't want it in the papers.  She has been treated for PTSD for all  these years since then, now off and on.  Recently she got a message from a member of this youth group that she went to school with.  It just so happened he is an associate pastor of a big church.  They conversed about old times and then he told her of his weaknesses and sent her a vivid messenger picture from all sides.  She tried to handle it through the church association.  This time she had pictures and messages.  She was not trying to trap someone and tried to keep it quiet.  She went to his pastor who she tried to show the pictures, but he didn't want to see them.  He called her back and wanted her to meet with him and two other pastors behind closed doors to get "at the truth."  She is not a 14-17 year old innocent any more.  She is a PTSD survivor and I am so proud of her.  A female friend is a detective in the sheriff's office and was only too happy to handle the situation.  There will be charges filed and a job lost and a family situation at Christmas that should not have happened.

Yes, you have to be careful.  This did not involve drugs or drinking, just a twisted mind.  So, please do be careful, all of you.    When I was dating, our only "drug" was alcohol.  Billy was not a drinker.  I would, at our office parties that he would bring me to because he knew he was going to have to drive me home.  All it took was 2-3 and I was throwing up, so it was never a real problem.  Now we have weird drugs that you cannot trust someone you have just met handing you a drink.  

I'm sorry we have weirdos out there, but we do.  But there are some good, very lonesome people too that need help, just like you might need it.  Sometimes being elderly is really a "plus."   

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1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

Steve and I didn’t do the dating thing.  We snuck around because of marriage issues.   Our marriages thru choice tho.  Oddly we didn’t get together right away.  Steve took a job here in Seattle and the separation changed everything. He was flying back every other weekend.  I had thought it was just a super attraction thing, but none would ever have made me quit my job, store my stuff and move to Seattle the first time he asked.  Thought it would end at some point just like others even tho this felt different.   I was deeply in love and didn’t want to acknowledge that.  When he said we should get married I was stunned.  I knew his track record, maybe 4 years.  But I did and while we came close to ending it twice, it was only successful when death snatched him away.   We never did figure out what made our connection/addiction so intense beyond anything we ever felt.  No matter how bad, we couldn’t stay away from each other, even when separated there were excuses made to be together.  We both were the ones that ended things with previous partners.  We couldn’t with each other.  

So I read the above start if this discussion and see, no, I couldn’t 'date' anyone again.  Like Karen, I could never live with anyone again.  Yes, I want companionship, but it would be disappointing.   As Kieron said, set in my ways.  Ways only he would fill.  I’ve had years to think about this and nothing or no one has made me feel anything.  I had interest a couple years after by some, I felt nothing.  Didn’t want the possibility of them feeling anything I could never reciprocate.  

I was and am still in love.  Always will be.  

I think that nails it. I am still in love with Annette. From the moment I met her, I don't think I ever stopped thinking about her. 

We went out for a couple of months, and then we broke up for two years. During this time, all I did was pace around thinking of ways to get her back. It was all my fault- I was so inexperienced, and she didn't understand why I wasn't like other guys. During those two years, I tried to hang out with her friends, just to be around her. I even had another girl that was interested in me (a very sweet African American girl who looked like Tracy Chapman). I went with her AND another girl to Disneyland, for what was supposed to be a romantic opportunity of a lifetime... and all I did was pine for Annette the whole time. Seriously,-completely blew it (the poor girl was killed in some senseless family gun violence incident a year or so later). All I ever wanted was to be with Annette. And now I still pace around pining for Annette, trying to figure out a way to "get her back". 30 years later and I'm in the same situation...sorta. 

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George and I really didn't "date" either, what started as a letter I wrote to the editor (Eugene newspaper) ended up with us writing back and forth, we really connected, were friends for quite a while before it developed into more...George called it "friendship that grew wings" and that kind of describes it.  We realized we never wanted to be apart from each other, we married, simple wedding in a chapel with one of my sisters & niece & my kids, mom there.  That was it. 
This was us when we got married, my sister framed it, it's up still.  Our happiness was palpable. 

George & Kay Wedding.jpg

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