What did you keep and what did you get rid of?

[widow'15]

kayc:  Such a beautiful picture of you two frozen in a perfect time.  I can imagine how you must feel when you look at this memory.  Just beautiful. Hugs, Dee

[Margm]

I wish a genuine smile and happiness could happen again as on this one day.  Love the picture.  We didn't even have pictures made.  I have one of him at Kelli's wedding pinching me on the behind and grinning.  Pictures sometimes make me sad.  I've got to find them all so my granddaughter can take all of hers home with her.  

 

[Gwenivere]

Wonderful picture, Kay.  I think of ours and others shared here at the beginning of our partnerships and so much ahead of us.  One if the happiest days of our lives.  You can see it in your face, and his.  💖

[kayc]

That day was, along with the birth of my kids, the happiest day of my life.

This is what I looked like when I met George.  He made me promise not to tan anymore.  Now I'm paying the price for it with skin cancer.

[Margm]

I'm sorry Kay.  Unfortunately Billy, his dad, and myself were all so fair we could not tan.  I kept a watch out on Billy, that is why his having cancer that had advanced so far was such a surprise.  I took his blood pressure and detected a skip.  I had him at the doctor, down the street from us, that day.  An appointment with a cardiologist was fast.  I actually diagnosed him with his high blood pressure coming from more than inherited.  I had them check his kidney arteries.  They thought I was a crackpot, but I typed symptoms all day long and diagnoses.  The word "malignant" hypertension meant it would only get worse.  I could not accept that.  Turns out he had three kidney arteries with one doing all the work.  I got hysterical and shut myself up in the hospital room bathroom.  I asked the doctor had he checked his kidney functions.  He made fun of me, I cried.  He checked his kidney functions and had one of the first (maybe the first) kidney stent placements in that teaching hospital I worked for.  He was in his early 40's.  He would have died then.  I cannot discount 43 years of typing diagnoses, histories, physicals, consults, clinic notes and all the symptoms.  One I missed, a whitish mole on his shoulder.  It was a basal cell cancer, and about the size of a dime, smaller.  His back had been a problem since his 30's.  But, I did not see his skin hanging, one of the signs of disease wasting a person away.  None of his family lived past 70.  I was going to get him into his 80's.  He had two complete physicals a year, because of his kidney stents..  No signs of an aneurysm that I knew to look for, but he had one on the base of his brain.  An old one.  No symptoms off anything. I still believe it was the oral tobacco for so long.  I keep hearing "can't cry over spilled milk" and all you can do is clean up. But you can buy more milk.  God just decided to quit letting me play at his job.

Keep those checkups.  Pretty young lady, my friend.  

 

[kayc]

Fortunately for regular screenings they cut out the cancer but it's a pain to go through.  Skin cancer all over my dad's back required radiation treatment and it was so painful it brought on his last heart attack that landed him in the hospital.  Never made it home.  Don't ever let anyone tell you skin cancer isn't serious, it is.  My dad was Irish/Scottish/English, my mom English Mutt so we all got the fair skin, didn't tan just freckled/moled.

[Margm]

4 hours ago, kayc said:

Don't ever let anyone tell you skin cancer isn't serious, it is.

Billy's dad drove those tractors you see on interstate highways.  He wore a hat, but was in the sun all his life.  He had skin cancers removed all the time.  One spread to his parotid gland and from there all over his body.  Yes, it is important to have them checked.  My aunt had them removed from the top of her hands.  I have many I suspected but dermatologist said "no."  My aunt, grandmother, mom and dad, then Billy and Kelli, we fished all our life.  Hands directly in the sun.  We should have worn gloves with fingers cut out.  

[Missy1965]

It's been 5 months since my whole world came crashing down around me. I hadn't been able to look at his pictures, so about an hour ago I decided it was time. BIG MISTAKE. I thought it would help to see him happy in pictures before he got sick. To remember a time when he was smiling and content, not sick and dying in a hospital bed.

He only had a couple of months to enjoy living on the beach, but he was happy there. His dream was to live on the beach. Why didn't he get to enjoy it longer? We only had 3 and 1/2 years together. I feel so insecure and unsure. What am I going to do with my life now? 

Now I'm a big puddle of tears. I miss him so much. It hurts so bad to be in love with someone you can't see or touch. 

[nashreed]

They say it's "better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all", but I'm not sure now. I try to think about how much I was loved, but it feels like another lifetime ago already, not 7 months. I'm sorry it made you cry to see his pictures. I find that seeing my wife happy in pictures as proof that she had a good life. I only ever wanted her happy. She has to be happy now, because she was in such pain in this life. We always said "I'm OK if you're OK". I know she's ok, so I have to be ok for her. 

I have no idea what I'm doing with my life. I'm cool with life or death. It's kinda weird not being worried about everything anymore. I love my wife more than ever. I talk to her, and I imagine the pandemic keeps us apart sometimes, but it's hard to keep up the charade this long. I try to keep focused on little projects. It's just hard. I wish I had advice. I'm lost too.

[Gwenivere]

I wish there were a one size fits all advice, but there isn’t.  Being lost is a horrible feeling we all have too often.  As the holiday approaches I feel it more than usual.  I read others thoughts, feelings and some fit, some don’t.  I had a Zoom grief support group meeting last night and found no one had my same situation and while it was good to connect, I was still a loner.  All had family or local friends.  None had lost a vital family tie like mybdog recently.  But they listened and I could get it out.  The best we can hope for and does help.  I still cry alone.  

[Missy1965]

Yes this month has been brutal. I have cried everyday so far. First Christmas/New Year's without Brian. I wish I could sleep and not wake up until January 2nd. Jan. The 11th is my 56th birthday and the 19th would've been our 4th anniversary. March 18th would've been his 50th birthday. All these "firsts" are overwhelming. I try not to look at the big picture because frankly, it scares me to death. 

I wish I could be normal and find comfort in pictures and his music. But at the moment, it breaks me down and my whole day is shot. If not for my Faith and the comfort of knowing I will see him again, I would probably be in a straight jacket by now. 

I cry alone too. One day at a time...

[nashreed]

I know I will see her again. I know she's with me in some way, but I don't feel her presence. Hopefully that means she's happy and not in any way tied to this physical world. She's free of all her problems. 

Her pictures are the only way I can live without her. I can't even fathom going a day without seeing her. I never have since we met. Even when we had broken up I had a picture of her I carried around- even to work! Working at a Taco Bell drive thru, I would look at it, because I missed her so much- and we had broken up, and she hated me.  The same picture is still on my wall. 

What I have to do is balance my day, because if I think of her too much I get too depressed. I wish I could cry, but I come from an emotionally repressed family, so I can hold it in. I'm afraid that if I did cry, I'd never be able to stop. 

[MartyT]

9 hours ago, nashreed said:

I know she's with me in some way, but I don't feel her presence.

See In Grief: Longing to Feel A Loved One's Presence After Death

9 hours ago, nashreed said:

I wish I could cry, but I come from an emotionally repressed family, so I can hold it in. I'm afraid that if I did cry, I'd never be able to stop. 

See In Grief: Feeling Disconnected from Feeling Bad and Finding Crying Time in Grief   ❤️

[kayc]

Missy, I only got to be married to George for 3 years 8 months so also went through the fourth anniversary alone.  I AM glad we had each other for the time that we did even though it resulted in the pain of my missing him the rest of my life.  It was the only time in my life I had reciprocal love and I've no doubt about his love for me, no matter what we went through.

 

[Missy1965]

3 hours ago, kayc said:

Missy, I only got to be married to George for 3 years 8 months so also went through the fourth anniversary alone.  I AM glad we had each other for the time that we did even though it resulted in the pain of my missing him the rest of my life.  It was the only time in my life I had reciprocal love and I've no doubt about his love for me, no matter what we went through.

 

Yes I remember the short time the two of you had together, and I too know how very much Brian loves me. Our love was and is unconditional. Your words bring me a bit of comfort. Thank you.  I'm glad to have had a man who loved me the way he did, flaws and all. For me, there will never be another man like him on this Earth, and I have no interest in trying to pursue what we had with someone else. 

 

[nashreed]

I know that I won't ever find another love, but I miss having someone that I can talk to about anything- even poop consistency! A teammate, my soul mate. Everything seems pointless, and I've never felt such emptiness and loneliness. How one person could be everything to me is mind boggling.  She was that amazing. 

[Missy1965]

2 minutes ago, nashreed said:

I know that I won't ever find another love, but I miss having someone that I can talk to about anything- even poop consistency! A teammate, my soul mate. Everything seems pointless, and I've never felt such emptiness and loneliness. How one person could be everything to me is mind boggling.  She was that amazing. 

Same here. The loneliness and emptiness are ever present. We're still here so we have to try and move forward because that's what they would want. I can't imagine Annette and Brian wanting us to be miserable for the rest of our lives. We can honor them by living for them. 

[nashreed]

It's true. I have to remember. I have the gift of sight, which Annette did not have (she was legally blind). Just seeing two hummingbirds chasing each other around this morning made me smile- to think the two of us could be free and happy like that in Heaven. I try to be good. I try to do things she'd be proud of me for.

[Gwenivere]

15 hours ago, nashreed said:

I wish I could cry, but I come from an emotionally repressed family, so I can hold it in. I'm afraid that if I did cry, I'd never be able to stop. 

I’ve heard this and felt it many times.  This is purely my opinion, but if you feel the need to cry, you should do it as it will catch up to you and can greatly intensify or prolong intense grief.  Crying always stops.  Sometimes I stop before I expect to.  It’s a natural and understandable reaction to loss and pain.  I understand your reluctance, but it really can help.  It’s primal and such a release.  My mind and body release some tension I didn’t realize I had.  I’ve even yelled, screamed and cursed out god if it exists.

if you don’t feel it, forcing that would be unnatural.  I don’t even know if it can be done.  

[Margm]

Screaming into a pillow twice gave me such a headache.  Not worth it.  Now crying.  I could do that until I could not breathe anymore and that release felt so good I had to be careful.  I didn't want to catch my breath.  Now I keep tissue in my pants pocket, roll of paper towels close at hand.  I cry at cartoons, music, commercials, any kind of show, movie.  I cry in Walmart, if I feel like it.  One time I had an anxiety attack and had to stand fearfully at the back of the store where no one was.  I did not need any help, I could cry just fine, all by myself.  Still do.  I cry on talk shows.  Not a thing wrong with my tear ducts thank goodness.  No one feels sorry for me.  Everyone in my family can/and do cry at anything, everything.  I love to cry at other people's happiness most of all.  Kelli picked up  my granddaughter from the airport and called me with videos of people, (probably getting too close), but you don't have to know them.  We just are a crying family.  Like I said, crying at happiness is my favorite thing, other people's mostly..  

[Missy1965]

I cry everyday. Sometimes so hard I can't breathe. This month has been particularly difficult. I'm praying the New Year will be better for all of us, and everyone else who are struggling. It's just been a tough year. Period. 

[nashreed]

1 hour ago, Missy1965 said:

I cry everyday. Sometimes so hard I can't breathe. This month has been particularly difficult. I'm praying the New Year will be better for all of us, and everyone else who are struggling. It's just been a tough year. Period. 

Be good to yourself. If you have a purpose here, you also deserve to have happiness. Think of it as your purpose being a job- you deserve to rest and to have a reward. Although it's bad for me, I get some Haagan Daas every so often, just for a reward for surviving. If it wasn't for music, I don't know what I'd do. (Any music from 1980-85 will put me in a good mood) Take care.

[Missy1965]

James, I always felt he was my purpose, but now I have to shift my focus, asking God to lead me and do His will in my life. I cry as I type this. It's very hard.

[nashreed]

3 minutes ago, Missy1965 said:

James, I always felt he was my purpose, but now I have to shift my focus, asking God to lead me and do His will in my life. I cry as I type this. It's very hard.

That's exactly how I feel. She was my purpose. I was her caregiver, and I could only work with her encouragement and because she needed me to. (I had a panic attack that led to major anxiety issues when I was working retail a decade or so ago. I am on disability so I really can only work part time, and I need the Medicare more than the sense of purpose a job would bring)

You've made it this far. We're all making it in our own way here. There's a purpose for us. Maybe that's simply helping each other get through this.

[kayc]

A job doesn't always have to be a paying job, helping others can also get us out of ourselves and our world and give us a breath of fresh air, so to speak, in our perspective.  Not comparing, because I believe that is invalidating, but just realizing...

George was also my purpose...it can take us years to find a new purpose, may not be ready early on, but if we keep ourselves open, it can happen at some point.