What did you keep and what did you get rid of?

[Gwenivere]

I found that with volunteering.  I started long before Steve died and it carried me more after.   Having had that taken away due to the pandemic has really made this year tough.  The food programs, animal shelters all need help, but I’m now Im too physically restricted.  But for those who are not, it’s a thought.  Unless you are in need for money, there are so many places that can appreciate you and provide a little warmth in your heart, if that appeals.  

[nashreed]

I would like to do something that makes me feel like I'm worth something. It is very hard right now though. My father-in-law is very involved with a church, and though they are COVID deniers, I'm sure they are good people. I would be welcomed and could do some good there. I was a librarian for a church we went to years ago. I would be able to socialize at any other time. I'm not worried about myself so much, but I can't risk my Mom getting it. She has very bad allergies to wheat and breads, which is the base of everything she eats. She refused to change, so every morning she's coughing and sneezing. It's been like that for years and years, but she's high risk because of it, and 84. I have to think of her when going out or not. I can do "not" very easily. 

[Gwenivere]

I truly don’t get covid deniers.  I don’t see how that is even possible.  I know they exist.  Just don’t have a clue how their minds work, or don’t.

[nashreed]

They've been brainwashed by the orange one and right wing media. Some people truly need to have something happen to someone they know to make it real. 

[kayc]

Gwen, my DIL is  one and I have no idea, I hope she doesn't have to learn the hard way.  They see some skewing the numbers and maybe that causes her not to believe anything, I've learned to ignore the left and right and use common sense.  They can get extreme on either side.

I've heard it said, that any strength carried to the extreme then becomes a weakness, I think there's truth to that.  For instance, I'm analytical, when I was a child my sister called me that in a derogatory way, I didn't understand at the time, but now I see there's such a thing as being OVERLY analytical so I have to watch it.

[KarenK]

I often wonder if Covid is no worse than the 1918 flu. The population is so much greater now with so many more ways to spread it. A lot of people got sick and died, but many got it and lived through it, just like today. I do think everything is hyped out of proportion and common sense should be the main focus, as you say, Kay.

[Gwenivere]

I think we’re all weary about hearing about the pandemic coming at us constantly from all sides.  Having to live in the common sense parameters. I don’t  know if any research was done about after effects of the Spanish flu.  This virus is definitely different than the Spanish flu.   Just did some googling on it.  The 2 week incubation is novel.  The variation is as well.  The Spanish flu hit like our normal flu and that is what we battle every year as it’s mutation.  Because of vaccines we’ve had only a few limited pandemics. Hopefully the vaccines will negate having to achieve herd immunity by its losing hosts.  The CDC says this is definitely different and because of travel it hit like a bomb.  If we hadn’t been in WW1 in 1918, most likely Europe would not have been as infected.  I don’t feel we can really compare the two.  As much as I hate this, I think it’s necessary to keep this in peoples faces as so many insist on treating it as less lethal than it is.  That’s being proven by people traveling when we saw the result of that over Thanksgiving.  We know more medically and have technology, thank gawd.  

Doing the math on population really doesn’t matter, it’s the percentage.  So many similarities in needing make shift beds, overwhelmed medical staff and body counts.  No antibiotics either which would have saved so many from resulting pneumonia.

Sorry, I get angry from watching the  news and so many people lengthening this out by selfish behavior.  Creating more grief because of it in a time  people can’t get much needed personal help.  When I lost my dog in August, I couldn’t even hug my friend that was with me.  It’s a horrible feeling and I so feel for people that lost family going thru that. 

[nashreed]

It's a really, batcrap crazy world right now. And I would be so worried about Annette if she was living in it, trying to keep her protected.... It doesn't seem to matter now. I guess it's nice to not be stressed out all the time, but I'm also not needed either. That's the hardest part. My Mom and brother have a weird symbiotic relationship and I kind of feel in the way of it. They got by fine without me. I'm here with her to make sure she's ok, but she doesn't need me. She's usually nodding off to CBS procedurals, so it's Uber exciting. I'm sailing my ship without my partner and best friend and there's nothing I can do to fill that emptiness. 

[kayc]

17 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

When I lost my dog in August, I couldn’t even hug my friend that was with me.  It’s a horrible feeling and I so feel for people that lost family going thru that. 

I can't imagine how hard it is to experience loss during these times, whatever I went through multiplied great-fold...that I can't wrap my mind around.    I'm so sorry, Gwen, and anyone who goes through that in these times.

17 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

The 2 week incubation is novel.

They said on the news before Thanksgiving that one week is as sufficient as two weeks, yet they're still telling people two weeks.  I know someone who got it and they only made him stay in ten days, but his roomies didn't get it and they had to stay in his ten days PLUS 14 days!  Doesn't make sense to me.  They checked on them every day for symptoms.

10 hours ago, nashreed said:

It doesn't seem to matter now.

I don't want it because I still have to live to take care of my puppy, be there for my kids (even though they have their own lives and rarely call, I think it'd be hard for them if I wasn't here in the background, available), me there for my sisters.  This life is a struggle for sure right now but I hope for something better to come!

[Missy1965]

How is it that the days can simultaneously crawl and fly by at the same time? It's been 5 months and 7 days since the rug of life was pulled out from under me, yet some days it feels as if it's brand new.

I remember how at first I didn't think I could live thru this, nor did I want to. I still cry everyday, especially this month, but I'm also starting to appreciate, little by little, the beauty of nature, my family, a beautiful sunset...tiny glimmers of joy in the small things and hope for the future. I've even smiled and laughed a few times. 

I still have feelings of insecurity, I can't look at pictures or listen to his music, and the hole in my heart is ever present, but I feel I'm making a tiny bit of progress as each day goes by. I know where he is, and I know he is finally free of the mental and physical torment he endured on this Earth. 

I believe there are times I grieve not so much for myself, but for the life and physical and mental struggles he endured over the last few years. 

In meantime, I take it one day at a time, as looking too far into the future is too overwhelming right now. One thing I do know, is that I will see him again someday. I know he is with me and looking out for me, cheering me on. 

 

[nashreed]

I can definitely relate to what you're saying, Missy. The days do go by quickly, I guess, but the time that we've been apart has seemed like years. I find it harder and harder to pull up a memory from our life together. I don't want to forget. Luckily, there's pictures of her happy and healthy that get me through- to remember that she was a vibrant, happy soul on this planet, that she wasn't just a dream. 

I do get by every day, and I can appreciate little things that maybe I would miss with all the stress I had with her health problems. I just don't feel like I do anybody any good- kind of just taking oxygen away from something that has a purpose. I exist, but it's hard to live. I always to try to look at the beauty in the mountains and the clouds and the birds- all the details she couldn't see. I need to appreciate them for her. 

If I didn't have music as a distraction and a friend, I would surely not make it through.

There's a little hummingbird drinking from the feeder I can see out this window. Life goes on here, as I wait to reunite with my angel in Heaven.

[Missy1965]

I find myself dreading when I have to tackle buying groceries alone. We used to love to do that together. Dollar General, Kroger and Walmart are the biggest triggers, as well as a couple of restaurants we went to. I know I will have to face it alone at some point and not avoid life, because honestly, most everything reminds me of him. We were joined at the hip. Did everything together. That's where my insecurities come in. 

I ordered myself a necklace from Amazon that says "A piece of my heart lives in Heaven." it has a heart, a small medallion and an angel wing attached to it as well. 

[Missy1965]

Well the tears just decided to show up out of nowhere. I miss him so much 😥

[Gwenivere]

6 years ahead of you and it still happens for me.  I love your necklace. I have a HOPE amulet Steve gave me and said to carry always and I do.  I scoff at it mostly when I change jeans and find it in my pocket.  He gave it to me when he was fighting the cancer.  But, a promise is a promise.  I’m glad you know you’ll see him again.  I’m not so sure.  I envy you that feeling.  Don’t ever lose it.  Hugs.

[nashreed]

Gwen, I'm not sure that it's even a religious thing. There's no reason why a good person like you will not be reunited with Steve in Heaven or the afterlife or whatever it is. It's not necessarily even faith that you need to have. If there is nothing after death, then... well, you won't even know. But if there is something... and Steve is there. It's something to look forward to. Why not believe? There's nothing to lose and possibly so much to look forward to.

[kayc]

10 hours ago, nashreed said:

There's nothing to lose and possibly so much to look forward to.

True.

Missy, I love your necklace, I imagine you find it very comforting.  Gwen, Steve meant every word when he gave that medallion to you, I hope you can find some comfort in his feeling behind it.   Even if life changed our plans, we were each other's person, no doubt!

[Gwenivere]

22 hours ago, nashreed said:

If there is nothing after death, then... well, you won't even know. But if there is something... and Steve is there. It's something to look forward to. Why not believe? There's nothing to lose and possibly so much to look forward to.

It’s not something you can force.  Being mortal, all I can feel is the pain here and wanting it to stop.  I can’t change to faith as someone that does cant change to not believing.  You are right, if there’s nothing, I won’t know.  It will be over.  If there is more, I’ll find out.   Wish I did have that faith, but I don’t.  I know there is nothing to lose.  But that’s not the issue.

11 hours ago, kayc said:

Gwen, Steve meant every word when he gave that medallion to you, I hope you can find some comfort in his feeling behind it. 

 I know he did.  He’s gone now tho.  I don’t know if anywhere.  I’ve always admired your faith to sustain you, like Marg.  How you keep fighting to keep meaning in your life.  How Kodie has become a reason to live.  I adore Mel but know she has a great home waiting with my buddy if something happens to me.  He was over last weekend and his love for her abounds.  She would probably have more attention with him and that disappoints me about myself.  That medallion is a reminder of hope we once had, long gone.  I have found no way to apply it to the now.  If I were healthier, as I was up-to almost 2 years ago, my attitude would be so different.  We need something, anything, to hold on to.  What were once ropes of safety are now fraying threads.  I have 13 hours before sleep and waking to another medical day that will bring no relief.  Maybe more tests that I can’t do because I can’t walk to get inside.  It all comes back to that d*mned surgery and recovery.  No coming home to deal with it either.  Rehab.  Lots of risks that cannot be reversed when it’s done.  My motivators we gone.

[kayc]

I understand.  Kodie would go to my son and he would be wonderful with him, but unfortunately since he works a lot, he'd be with my DIL most of the time and she yells at him for no reason, it'd be like putting your child with a wicked stepmother.  I can't do that.  And no one else has offered.  My daughter also works all the time and has cats that wouldn't appreciate a dog.  Not sure it'd even be allowed at her new place.

[Gwenivere]

Now we plan for our furry kids.  It’s an important decision.  I hope you can get that settled somehow so you know Kodie is covered so you can read about that.   Have you discussed this with your son?   He should know your concerns, just my opinion.

[kayc]

I think my son is aware of how his wife is.  Not much he can do about it.  Perhaps my little sister?  She thinks he's adorable.  Her dog is getting old and she doesn't plan to get another, but maybe...