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I miss laughing


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I miss genuine laughing- wanting to make Annette laugh. I always tried to think of something funny to say, or a funny voice. We had our in-jokes and things only we would understand. Now it's a dead language. 

My family doesn't understand my sense of humour. I don't feel like even trying. I actually am pretty dirty if being myself, or with Annette. That person I was is dead. I've never been one to laugh at a TV show, not out loud at least (much too self conscious). I'm pretty sure I'll never laugh again. Sometimes I could make her laugh uncontrollably, until she said stop- I'm going to pee my pants. And of course, I would have to pile on. 

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It's hard to get together with other people you enjoy right now in COVID, I miss that.

http://www.aliveinmemory.org/2013/05/30/learning-how-to-smile-again/

 

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I actually have a friend from school here in town that suggested getting together on my birthday next week. I've been to his house once this past summer, and he's a great guy- but he has a wife and a beautiful son and it just makes me depressed after. Because of COVID, and how California is now, I will probably bow out. It's difficult to deal with this loss with COVID fears and restrictions. I can't even go the mall to sit and get out of the house. 

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It wouldn't be so bad if you could meet, just the two of you, at a neutral place like a restaurant, but right now there's nothing we can go to unless outdoors and it's too cold for that.  That and it can be cost-prohibitive.  But it would be good to get together with someone, if only we all could!

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I'm just torn. It's actually work to get up the motivation to do anything. Is it worth it? I don't feel it's right to have any kind of happiness right now. I just don't know. My life ended when hers did, and what happens now doesn't really matter that much. The giant meteor could hit and I'd be cool with it. I'm a lot less stressed these days. 

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