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Just so helpless and heartbroken.


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Sorry if this is long winded. But thank you to those that will take the time to read it. 
 

my husband and I have been together 25 years and in short we’ve had a wonderful life together not many bumps along the way. Built on a solid foundation of truth to what I believed he’s always said being honest is the best way through anything happens we’re together in it and all the other things that relate to these. May this year out of no where his dad passed away and it’s devastated me( my dad passed in2014) my husband is the most bubbly full of life positive person you could meet. He’s also very black and white straight up kind of person. When my dad passed I let him help me through it I didn’t push him away we went through it together my dad passing away didn’t bother him in the slightest he wasn’t affected by it at all. 
I wish I could have that comfort with his dad passing away and it not bother me but it has I loved my father in law so much more then my own father. 
I’ve never felt so much emotion in my life I’m genuinely heartbroken and my husband has pushed me away and watching him go through it my world is falling apart we have had more problems since this then we ever had he doesn’t want or need me for anything his words. He’s allowed to say I make him worry because of how fragile I am but anything I say to him is dismissed he’s working so hard and looks exhausted I can see how heartbroken he is how stressed he is and anxious but he will not open up to me at all the atmosphere in what was once a home is nothing to what it has ever been. 
everything he’s ever said About being together in everything and all the other things was just a lie. 
it’s all made me very ill all I do is cry and I’ve never felt so helpless in all my life all I want to do is be there for him and take care of him the thing that’s I’ve done for the last 25 years. I’ve never wanted to leave but I do now so very much a lot of things have been said. All he ever says is I’m fine. I feel like anything that’s to do with my father in law is separated and I’m not involved with any part of it even thou he’s been in my life longer then he hasn’t. I always thought we was so solid but we’re not were very much apart. Anyway I don’t know what the meaning of this post is only I just read some posts that felt like mine how do you watch the most important person in your life go through something so big on their own and not be bothered or care. I don’t think we will come through the other side of it I really don’t. 
 

thank you for reading and sorry if I sound a horrible person I’m not. 

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Oh Becky, I am so sorry you're in this situation, I'm sorry both of you are!  I don't understand a person stonewalling or shutting a person out, my XH did that, we were married for 23 years, now he treats his current wife wonderful, why couldn't he try with ME?  IDK.  

It sounds like if you two are to make it, you'll need some counseling, sometimes a counselor can get things across that our spouse won't hear from us.  I understand your deep feelings for your FIL, that's how it was with me too with his parents, and his dad kept me as a "daughter" even after our divorce.  Has he been like this at other times or circumstances in your marriage?  

Grief can do odd things to people, not usually with marriage so much as GF/BF or fiance, but as you've found, it can happen.  I would definitely try to get counseling before throwing in the towel.  If he won't then go alone.  Good luck to you, sending you cyber hugs!

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I'm pretty sure it's safe to say no one here considers you a horrible person.

12 hours ago, Becky1982 said:

All he ever says is I’m fine.

*sigh*  What a guy thing to say (I can say that because I am one!).  I'm afraid this is kind of common.  I think you are saying his dad died in May this year so it's been about 6 months.  Everyone is different so everyone's timeline for grieving is different, but possibly it's really hitting him, especially now with the holidays coming on fast.

12 hours ago, Becky1982 said:

how do you watch the most important person in your life go through something so big on their own and not be bothered or care.

I think it's a sign of how deep your love and caring goes.  You can't watch it and not be affected.  I would echo Kay's advice to try to get counseling, and if he won't go with you, go alone.  You say you loved your FIL, so you, too, are grieving.  And you're grieving the change in the relationship, so you're affected twice.  That's a lot to carry inside. 

I hope you can find a good match in a counselor or therapist!

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I just thought of that article and was going to list it!  Thank you, Marty!!  Kieron's remark about it being a guy thing made me recall it.  Men and women can indeed mourn differently.

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Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me I really appreciate it. 
 

kayc- he’s never been good with showing any form of affection but I’ve always felt like we was together if that makes sense? When we was in a discussion quite heated. I asked him what he needed me for and he replied I don’t need you for anything- nothing. I can’t tell you what those words have done the have literally untied my entire life everything he shows or tells me only prove those words.

it’s just so terribly sad and heartbreaking, I’ve been to counselling but they ask me questions only my husband can answer that being the reason I’m not going to continue with it and there isn’t a chance in this world my husband would go. 
 

he knows what person I am he knows that looking after him and my children have always been my life, I just can’t do it he makes me feel so terribly lonely and isolated in my home. 
 

I just truly don’t know how Im ment to be I feel like I can’t mention anything about his dad ask anything about his dad ask anything about how he is. I’m mentally and emotionally exhausted. 
 

i know it’s hit him hard And harder then the makes out, I see it all and feel it all as well. 
 

it won’t work out I do know that everything is awkward and feels incredibly alienated and I do believe I’m causing a lot of it but he’s never made me feel how he has and I don’t know what to do with it. 
 

thankyou for the articles I’d already read them and about 100 other more it’s all I do is try so hard to understand everything but you can’t not communicate with each only time will tell he has told me that he does know something is wrong. 
 

thank you again for your time x

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A good counselor will not be asking YOU questions only HE can answer!  I would tell them that, they should focus on your own wellness and learning about yourself so that you can make decisions right for you.  

You are describing my marriage to my kids' dad...23 long years alone in the marriage.  NO affection, NO love!  I always knew he was hard but when I found out he'd been deceptive the entire marriage, I lost respect for him...that was the beginning of the end.  I'm so sorry.  Normally I'd advise someone to hang in there because they're married...but after this long, well there's a lot to consider, it's complex and only you can decide what's best.  I'm sorry you didn't get a counselor that helped, I'd encourage you to try another, sometimes it can take a few tries to get the right one, unfortunately.  Not even necessarily to help your marriage, but to help YOU.  Married or not, it can be a lot to go through.  Looking back is a different view/clarity than being in it was.  I relate to much of what you're going through, having been there, no intimate communication, that's hard.  Esp. for so many years.  I too loved my husband's family, so much!  But I was in  dad's life until the day he died, I used to visit him every Fri. night at his Assisted Living and have dinner with him and his friends, then play cribbage with him (he always won!).  I still talk to his brother & SIL & email with his other one, and we've been divorced for 20 years now.  

I wish my ex had tried, but we can't control another person's responses or lack of them, only ourselves.  At the end of the day, I know I gave it my best, I wasn't perfect, but tried my best.

I do wish you well.  I know that being who he is, he's going to respond differently than you, only question you can ask yourself is are you willing to accept it?

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Kayc-I’m truly grateful for your response I feel like your the only person that has understood what I’m saying and not judged me for feeling how I feel. 
 

I know he’s grieving and I know how hard it is I truly do that’s why I feel like I do. 
 
she asked me if I felt like I smoothed him( I don’t feel like I do I don’t go by him) I feel I’m hard to deal with emotionally at the minute but when you saw your husband as your best friend and went to him for everything and that’s no longer there then yeh I’m hurting badly. She also asked if I thought he dreaded coming home I replied yes I do because of me. Then she asked if he thought I was his best friend and if he loved me I replied I don’t no but no I don’t think he does. 
 

im not willing to accept it, I can’t live in a meaningless marriage, where I open my heart and share my life but where is that back? 
 

I used to tex and ring him even before this happened it’s a standing joke in the family he never used to answer my called or ever text back so I don’t bother anymore haven’t for a long long time. 
 

I feel like this is just the start of a downward place. I’m a loving person and my heart and feeling on on my sleeve I’ve always made him feel loved and gave it my all and up till now I chose that it was hard for him to be affectionate and I accepted that but I don’t accept all this I really don’t. I’m not prepared to live the rest of my life with nothing I deserve to be thought of more then just a fragile mess that can’t handle anything and isn’t needed I’d rather be on my own. X

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Kay is right about the counselor.  Not all of them are skilled at doing their job, asking the right questions or putting aside irrelevant matters.  That takes training, education and skill.

1 hour ago, Becky1982 said:

im not willing to accept it, I can’t live in a meaningless marriage, where I open my heart and share my life but where is that back? 

You nailed it.  It essentially becomes a one-sided conversation.  You may as well be talking to a wall.

 

 

treated right.jpg

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I have two kids, greatly affected by our divorce, they had been taught marriage was forever and it crushed them when we divorced.  But I also remember my daughter holding me (after he threw a huge tantrum and screamed at us because her BF got sick in the van) and telling me, "Mom, just do what you have to do, we (her and her brother) will understand."  I also remember after we separated, my son coming home from school (he was a young teenager) and flinging himself face down on the couch, sobbing, "Great, now I'm just a statistic, like everyone else!"  It was painful, all I could do was acknowledge his feelings, apologize, but I greatly understand why I felt as I did, unloved, uncared about,. unheard.  It's no way to spend your life and I spent 23 years that way.  He changed the moment he placed his ring on my finger.  I felt duped.  
This isn't what I signed on for.  BTW, it was him who got the divorce, he wanted to control even how that went.

I married George on down the road and we were very happy together until the day he died, way too soon!  But I'm glad I got to experience love the one and only time in my life.  And I'm glad the kids got to see that it is real, although in spite of doing all the right things, I'm afraid it's eluded them.  :(  I hope sometime before they die, they get to experience it themselves.

I love Kieron's "sign!"

 

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On 12/5/2020 at 3:31 PM, Kieron said:

Kay is right about the counselor.  Not all of them are skilled at doing their job, asking the right questions or putting aside irrelevant matters.  That takes training, education and skill.

You nailed it.  It essentially becomes a one-sided conversation.  You may as well be talking to a wall.

 

 

treated right.jpg

That’s how it feels Kieron one sided, I’m just so lonely I don’t even no if he’s bothered I know he has such a lot going on in his mind I see he does it all just breaks my heart daily, I’m just a shell with nothing inside, I’ve lost so so much weight the more I get upset the more comes off I’m just bone so yeh I do look fragile probably because I am,all my other friends that are also my family are going through the same loss and they all seem to be together along the way with their husbands, I look at them and feel happy they have got that. Maybe if I wasn’t so emotional and didn’t let things get to this it would of been different but I can’t turn back time if only I could 💔.

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3 hours ago, kayc said:

I have two kids, greatly affected by our divorce, they had been taught marriage was forever and it crushed them when we divorced.  But I also remember my daughter holding me (after he threw a huge tantrum and screamed at us because her BF got sick in the van) and telling me, "Mom, just do what you have to do, we (her and her brother) will understand."  I also remember after we separated, my son coming home from school (he was a young teenager) and flinging himself face down on the couch, sobbing, "Great, now I'm just a statistic, like everyone else!"  It was painful, all I could do was acknowledge his feelings, apologize, but I greatly understand why I felt as I did, unloved, uncared about,. unheard.  It's no way to spend your life and I spent 23 years that way.  He changed the moment he placed his ring on my finger.  I felt duped.  
This isn't what I signed on for.  BTW, it was him who got the divorce, he wanted to control even how that went.

I married George on down the road and we were very happy together until the day he died, way too soon!  But I'm glad I got to experience love the one and only time in my life.  And I'm glad the kids got to see that it is real, although in spite of doing all the right things, I'm afraid it's eluded them.  :(  I hope sometime before they die, they get to experience it themselves.

I love Kieron's "sign!"

 

My children will be devastated especially my little boy his family means the world to him we’re all he ever talks about, everything in his mind is revolved around his family. We are at the top of his list in everything 😢. It must of been so hard for you kayc but on the other hand I’m glad you got to be loved even if it was for a short time. X

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21 hours ago, Becky1982 said:

It must of been so hard for you kayc but on the other hand I’m glad you got to be loved even if it was for a short time. X

It was one of the hardest periods of my life, with the exception of losing George (my late husband) and Arlie (my dog), they are the two I've been closest to in my life.  My XH got custody, apparently, of all our friends, our church, our bank account, but I got the kids...that's what I wanted most.

I tried to take the high road, I let him see the kids whenever he wanted, encouraged him to even, although he didn't show a lot of interest.  He pulled so many things!  My advice is keep adult things between the adults and try to shield the kids from it, put your kids first.  Don't get into the backbiting (we're in a small town), even though he did his fair share, I tried to keep my feelings private and stuck to talking to my sister and later my close friend.  Debunk if you can without giving details.  In the end, people believe what they want.  Life was hell back then, but I lived through it.  I remember getting up, looking in the mirror, every day, and telling myself, "It won't be like this forever."  And it wasn't.

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