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Girlfriend broke things off during grief


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I am so sorry it set you back, but at least now you know where she stands and you understand fully that NC is truly the best option you have to move forward and find someone else who values you. I wen

I am so sorry that you find yourself in this situation, and your GF/friend as well.  It does sound as if you're broken up and I would be honest with her that although you care very much about her and

Hi Baxter,  Please forgive if I lost out on any details, however I feel that this topic helped me understand the big lines. First of all, let me start by saying that I'm truly sorry for your

She will probably understand why you have said everything you had included in your blog. 

2 hours ago, BaxterBurg said:

I don't think I have anything to lose at this point.

Of course. It's not like we had done something bad that made the situation the way it is, no. Honestly speaking I know for a fact that when they look back a few months from now to this pain they endured, the first thing that will come into their minds will be the loved one they lost and second would be the person who were there for them; despite the pain they have given us and we still chose to support them in any way we can, that is when they'll realize how a mistake it was that the relationship fell off. Because you will know if someone truly loves you if they still chose to be there for you even if you had wrong them, not because they hurt us intentionally but because grief has consumed them. It's not easy finding someone with a pure heart to support you in your time of need, and when they had it ( which is us ) and it fell apart, that's not on us. We had done everything we could. It's not on them either. The love is surely in the right time but the timing was not. Life just got in the middle of the way and that's why I surrendered all my worries to the man above. Just like what you said, if it's meant to be it will be.

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Hmm...not sure Jim ever appreciated me in retrospect.  I know he cared somewhat but whatever it was, it sure wasn't enough.  He still broke up with me and never tried to get me back.  We've been "friends" for 10 1/2 years but it's growing more distant the last year or two.  I think his XW is more to him than he lets on, that's fine, not my business, just wish he could be honest & upfront about everything.  I guess Asperger's plays into it, has a very difficult time with confrontation, conflict, or anything uncomfortable.  Goes into denial mode.

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20 hours ago, CommanderCody said:

second would be the person who were there for them

I tend to beleive this too, but i'm not sure. I hope this is the case for both of us. I guess I will find out at our meeting in a month or two. She said herself she has no reason to not want to be with me; but again, who knows if its true or if theyre just sparing feelings. a situation like this can really just drive you crazy if you let it. I hope we arn't giving our ex's too much credit with how good they really are. Some people I talk to seem to think my ex was awful for how she dealt with everything; and others are more understanding but still put off by some of the things she said to me. It seems with every action theres stwo ways you could interpret it. Her not gtting back to me on the movie for example seems like she wants nothing to do with me anymore; or its because shes so consumed by her grief still that it slipped her mind etc. Genuinly feels like a nightmare.

 

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3 hours ago, kayc said:

Hmm...not sure Jim ever appreciated me in retrospect.  I know he cared somewhat but whatever it was, it sure wasn't enough.  He still broke up with me and never tried to get me back.  We've been "friends" for 10 1/2 years but it's growing more distant the last year or two.  I think his XW is more to him than he lets on, that's fine, not my business, just wish he could be honest & upfront about everything.  I guess Asperger's plays into it, has a very difficult time with confrontation, conflict, or anything uncomfortable.  Goes into denial mode.

Sorry to hear that Kayc; its very sad that he was never straight up with you, that's not fair. Its for sure possible that thats the reason why. Maybe there's a lot of guilt associated with it. But of course that's no excuse. I'm suprised you wre able to stay friends for so long. If things don't work out with my ex, I don't think I could ever return to being friends with her. She hurt me way too much, and it would always remind me of that awful month that she pulled away and kept doubting the relationship. She once questioned the relationship and I didnt even know if we were still a couple the next day. She apologized and said she didn't realize what she did; but looking back, this was no way to treat someone who was going out of there way to support them.

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6 hours ago, BaxterBurg said:

She said herself she has no reason to not want to be with me; but again, who knows if its true or if theyre just sparing feelings. a situation like this can really just drive you crazy if you let it.

Exactly. These are the statements that will keep holding you back because there is " hope ". Just like when she told me that she still wants to make the relationship work, I had high hopes but then I already had to keep expect the worse case scenario. It will keep you in overthinking most of the time and that will drain you emotionally and mentally. 

 

6 hours ago, BaxterBurg said:

Some people I talk to seem to think my ex was awful for how she dealt with everything; and others are more understanding but still put off by some of the things she said to me.

In my case, most people that I talked with said that our relationship is falling apart even though we both have decided to work it out. I immediately called my dad the day after we both have decided to work out the relationship and told him that Alek and I just finished chatting through video call but because when we talked on vc, the enthusiasm of her talking to me wasn't there and the words he emphasized with me is " son just let her go ".  

My point is I'm not sure if I made the right decision in listening to the advices I have received. Sometimes I still kept thinking what if I didn't ignore her last time, what would our situation look like now? have she invited me over at their house for Christmas? Would I feel now like she's resenting me if I didn't ignore her? 

6 hours ago, BaxterBurg said:

It seems with every action theres stwo ways you could interpret it. Her not gtting back to me on the movie for example seems like she wants nothing to do with me anymore; or its because shes so consumed by her grief still that it slipped her mind etc. Genuinly feels like a nightmare.

This is difficult. Reading every moves she makes and it will keep us in overthinking. Two persons who really love each other shouldn't be giving the other one reasons to think like this... and I hate it that we both are going and have gone through this situation.

6 hours ago, BaxterBurg said:

I shouldn't be reading into these things but I don't understand her. Is she trying to get attention from me?Is she doing it for someone else?

You're right that you shouldn't be reading that atleast not too much. Maybe she's doing it for herself but she also wants you to see it, given that she never posts selfies on snapchat. Or maybe she what's to try something new to post selfies on snapchat. But I would just let her do her own thing -- maybe this is her way on getting her confidence back slowly. I won't make myself suffer into thinking that she's doing it for another guy. That will break our heart. 

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5 hours ago, CommanderCody said:

Exactly. These are the statements that will keep holding you back because there is " hope ". Just like when she told me that she still wants to make the relationship work, I had high hopes but then I already had to keep expect the worse case scenario. It will keep you in overthinking most of the time and that will drain you emotionally and mentally

Yup, exactly. I'm trying my best to just believe its over, but its hard. I feel better having no obligation to talk to her, but I feel like I do because of the holidays/friend group. I want to leave this in 2020 like you. How do you convince yourself to move on? Part of me won't let go.

 

5 hours ago, CommanderCody said:

" son just let her go ".

I get what you mean, most people are just telling me this at this point. They tell me to just stop communication, and I think we both need this just to reset everything. I think this is best for you too. And just remember there's someone out there who deserves your commitment, and will offer you the same in return.

The more time away from her, the more I realize she always had problems with me, and held me to this crazy standard. After she got out of her sh**** relationship and met me, she said she never knew what she wanted until she met me. She now wanted to look for a serious adult relationship, and she wanted perfection--which is a copy of her in her eyes. She always found problems with me disagreeing with her on things, and I think this happened right as grief struck, and she just let me go.  She even got a bit upset when I would chllenege her on things. As i write this, i think i figured out what really went wrong. If this is the case, then this is her problem even more sothan I thought.

Have you relefected on your own relationship and noticed any chinks in it?

5 hours ago, CommanderCody said:

Sometimes I still kept thinking what if I didn't ignore her last time, what would our situation look like now? have she invited me over at their house for Christmas? Would I feel now like she's resenting me if I didn't ignore her? 

I wouldn't worry about it man, I think its best you both take a break from each other. You didn't do anything wrong, and she should understand how painful this is for you. I've been getting pretty anxious too over these thoughts but as long as you do whats best for you,it was the right thing to do. I don't think anything would have changed for either of us no matter what. Don't let it bother you if it still does.

 

5 hours ago, CommanderCody said:

Two persons who really love each other shouldn't be giving the other one reasons to think like this

Yeah absolutely not. But in my case she made it clear that she lost feelings for me, I just wish she would say "its over for good" not "maybe the feelings will come back... I don't know if its personal or because of the grief... I don't know if we have a future... there's no reason I wouldn't want to be with you". It would be much easier for both of us if this were the case.

5 hours ago, CommanderCody said:

maybe this is her way on getting her confidence back slowly.

I think this is most likely the case. There's no one there to tell her she's cute anymore. Its strange though because there wasn't anyone on snap except me pretty much. And she didn't post it on Instagram. Maybe she likes the validation of seeing me open it, I don't know. Bread crumbs.

 

I messaged her today that I ordered her a new sized up sweater. She hasn't replied for 5 hrs, makes me feel awful. For some reason I feel that another awful thing is going on in her family, I'm not sure why. I guess I won't know.

How are you holding up Cody? Any new developments/projects in your life?

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2 hours ago, BaxterBurg said:

How do you convince yourself to move on? Part of me won't let go.

For me, it was not easy at first when I collected my thoughts and came to a realization where this maybe ending sooner or later and I have to prepare for that. When we took space for a month last October to November, we both had the time to think things through. By those times, I realized then that I do want to be there for her, I do want this relationship to work but I know it's going to be difficult because she's emotionally unavailable. Then I started meditating every morning from 6 AM - 7 AM, I would meditate when the sun is rising up, closing my eyes, thinking things thoroughly, and talk to my inner-self. I faced myself with the hard truths and even my gut tells me that I know what I have to do, it's only my mind that I have to convince. I'll admit there's still part of me now that's slightly struggling to accept that we had to go down this way but it's something that I can't control now. My mind and heart is wide open in the reality that everything that happened is now a thing of the past but somehow my mind randomly plays memories from the past and that's what keeps hurting me now. 

Also, learn to be grateful for everything. Even the heart ache she has caused you, thank her and thank the universe you have experienced it. Be thankful for the love, time, laughs, you both have shared. Because we cant hate, get angry, sad, or any other emotions if we are genuinely thankful for everything. I know it's easier said than done but this is one way to do it. 

 

2 hours ago, BaxterBurg said:

the more I realize she always had problems with me, and held me to this crazy standard.

Why do you say that? What kind of standard do you feel she has set for you?

 

2 hours ago, BaxterBurg said:

After she got out of her sh**** relationship and met me, she said she never knew what she wanted until she met me

Haha we got another similar experience here. Her past relationships has been awful and toxic. I can confidently say that I'm the only guy who treated her right, respected her, showed her values, showed up for her, gave her the love she deserves. She had lots of firsts with me : first guy to be introduced to her whole family, first guy her parents approved of, first guy to celebrate her birthday with her. It's strange to think that no matter how good you are for that person and they even know that you're special, they can still break up with you regardless of the situation.

2 hours ago, BaxterBurg said:

Have you relefected on your own relationship and noticed any chinks in it?

Yes, I have. I reflected a lot on our relationship and where I went wrong. Notice that I reflected on where I went wrong and not where she or the both of us went wrong because 3 months ago I was blaming myself on why had broken up. Anyway, the chinks that I noticed are 

1. I was too emotional. I still believe until this day that if I haven't brought up that relationship talk on the day we broke up, maybe things would be different right now. She wants someone who's there for her emotionally strong ( because obviously she's emotionally unavailable ) and when I TEARED UP in front of her and told her that I was hurt when she didn't greet me for our 2nd monthsary, that's when she realized that I may only get hurt even more in the future if we continue this relationship. Moral lesson of the story : Don't be too emotional and learn to keep your mouth shut.

2. I didn't show her enough compassion. When we had an argument last Oct 18, I started the conversation by asking her if she's still happy with the relationship and she answered me yes then I dropped everything that I wanted to say to her -- I wish I didn't do that though. I wish I didn't bombarded her with my feelings AGAIN. I told her things like from the relationship having too many red flags for me to telling her I want to move on from this. Deep into the conversation we had a heated argument where she dropped a tear because I can't understand her. I can't understand how she feels, how she thinks, and how she acts. She thought that I understood her from the start when she asked me for space but it's clear that that conversation of ours was the evidence she needs to see that I clearly don't. I admitted to her that I can't really understand her and that made us have space from each other even more. How I wish I showed her compassion and validated her feelings rather than having a heated argument.

3. I don't know if this is a chink but I think the way I communicated with her was the one that really ruined us now. Back September after I ignored her for 3 days for a specific reason, she was upset that I did that to her and told me that if I wanted space, I should have said so. It would have hurt less. I told her then that I would communicate better with her. One of Alek's characteristics is that she doesn't forget. She is a good listener. And I'm sure she remembered when I said that. That's why I feel like I do owe her that I have to move on from this rather than just go without explanation.

I have learned to  forgive myself  for the mistakes that I have done and Im pretty sure this wont happen again. 

2 hours ago, BaxterBurg said:

Yeah absolutely not. But in my case she made it clear that she lost feelings for me, I just wish she would say "its over for good" not "maybe the feelings will come back... I don't know if its personal or because of the grief... I don't know if we have a future... there's no reason I wouldn't want to be with you". It would be much easier for both of us if this were the case.

Yeah, it's hard to strung along someone because of the hope that they still have in their heart. They know how much we are willing to cling to this relationship. In my case tho, what happened was when we had an argument back Oct 18, in the middle of our heated argument she specifically told me " Maybe I don't want to have a relationship anymore " I don't know if its her grief doing the talking or her rational mind. Anyway, we still both continued working out the relationship a month later.

 

2 hours ago, BaxterBurg said:

For some reason I feel that another awful thing is going on in her family, I'm not sure why.

This is another problem for the both of us. The problems going on with her family after the death of a loved one. That's why I can't really blame if she's emotionally unavailable due to the stress, problems, and anxiety she have been experiencing from the things going on in her life.  That's why she doesn't have time for a relationship.

 

2 hours ago, BaxterBurg said:

How are you holding up Cody? Any new developments/projects in your life?

I'm doing alright so far, Burg. I'm taking my healing process one day at a time although sometimes I do really get sad when I think about her and I can't help but to tear up sometimes but it's part of it. I'm slowly embracing the pain. I got many plans for 2021! Mainly I would be putting my focus on self-development. I am planning on volunteering in Red Cross for Emergency Response Unit, attend seminars about public speaking, and my best friend and I are planning on opening up a mexican-themed business next year. How about you? 

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19 hours ago, BaxterBurg said:

Sorry to hear that Kayc; its very sad that he was never straight up with you, that's not fair. Its for sure possible that thats the reason why. Maybe there's a lot of guilt associated with it. But of course that's no excuse. I'm suprised you wre able to stay friends for so long. If things don't work out with my ex, I don't think I could ever return to being friends with her. She hurt me way too much, and it would always remind me of that awful month that she pulled away and kept doubting the relationship. She once questioned the relationship and I didnt even know if we were still a couple the next day. She apologized and said she didn't realize what she did; but looking back, this was no way to treat someone who was going out of there way to support them.

I viewed him as someone of value enough to continue to care about him and be friends with him.  I also understand his limitations.  I didn't know of his aspergers when we were going into a relationship, by the time I did, I already had feelings for him.  Things have changed greatly over the years though.  I realize all the more how fortunate I was to have escaped the big one with him!  I did not feel blessed the day I got his Fed Ex package breaking up with me at work.  Now, looking back, I can see it was indeed a blessing & near miss.  I still care about him and always will, but our relationship greatly changed that day and I have not been able to maintain friendship with him by hoping for more, you can ONLY be "friends" after breakup by having a long enough period of time to heal, and resolving NOT to go there again.  If one of us is secretly hoping for something  more, it opens the door for heartbreak, manipulation, and nothing good can come from it...if one knows this about themselves, they do best to continue healing, ON THEIR OWN and strengthen their resolve.  The other should understand, after all, they created the situation!

In the end, it doesn't really matter what anyone else understands or not, it is YOU that you need to focus on, not them.  Our primary focus should be in getting over them and healing and going on with our lives.  You can bet they are doing the same in their grief.  Their lack of awareness is not an excuse.  Neither is, in my books, their grief.  While we can understand it, and realize they are not themselves (they are their NEW selves however) we NEED someone that won't jerk the rug out from under us when things get hard.

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13 hours ago, CommanderCody said:

my mind randomly plays memories from the past and that's what keeps hurting me now

Thanks for sharing your methods, and I think its a good way to go about it. I am also experinecing the replaying memories; particularilty the dissapointing ones. I also keep replaying memories of random things in my past, and they all make me hurt for no particular reason. 

13 hours ago, CommanderCody said:

Also, learn to be grateful for everything. Even the heart ache she has caused you, thank her and thank the universe you have experienced it. Be thankful for the love, time, laughs, you both have shared. Because we cant hate, get angry, sad, or any other emotions if we are genuinely thankful for everything. I know it's easier said than done but this is one way to do it. 

I originally looked at the situation this way, but the more I think about what we didn't get to do yet, and the lost futures, I just get this deep pain in my stomach like we missed out on a lot. Even if things weren't meant to be, we were robbed of many of those happy moments even just because of covid.

13 hours ago, CommanderCody said:

Why do you say that? What kind of standard do you feel she has set for you?

I was her first adult relationship, and therefore first serious one. She always looked towards her parents as model of what she wants, and they agree on everything supposidly. she told me this, and She didn't like when I would disagree with her on ideas, even though we agreed on 90% of things, incuding the same vision of what we wanted in the future. This is where she brought up doubts on the relationship. Maybe it was the grief pushing her to do this, but I was totally taken aback by how much she cared about something so insignificant. We had been talking about these things since our very first date, and when we were even just friends.

 

13 hours ago, CommanderCody said:

t's strange to think that no matter how good you are for that person and they even know that you're special, they can still break up with you regardless of the situation

yeah its sad for sure, and just seems unfair for everyone. But I guess thats life sometimes.

13 hours ago, CommanderCody said:

can't understand how she feels, how she thinks, and how she acts

I think this is what may have happened on my end to. She once asked for space so I stopped messaging her for two days. I didn't hear back from her until i gave her something from class. She said that she didnt mean i couldnt message her, its just that she needed time to respond. I wouldn't be too hrd on yourself, it is hard to understand, nd its possible they even hd trouble communicaing it to you. For instance my ex doesn't even seem to know her own feelings; she told me that I probably understand them better than she does. Its part of the reason why i keep posting on my blog resources so maybe she can figure it out.

13 hours ago, CommanderCody said:

the way I communicated with her was the one that really ruined us now.

I don't think I would go that far man. I tend to think, as others have mentioned, that the greiving may have just magnified some of these problems and pushed them over the edge, when nromally it would have been just small. As long as you reconciled the issue I don't think it was that significant. I also did something I regret during this and miss communicated somehing pretty bad. What I said came off as insulting and I really didnt mean it to. We talked about it the next day and explained what I meant, but she still felt the need to get angry and kind of yell. I asked if it was still going to bother her, she said no, but its always in the back of my mind. I don't know why i said something so stupid. 

13 hours ago, CommanderCody said:

I have learned to  forgive myself  for the mistakes that I have done

thats good, and don't be hard on yourself. 

 

13 hours ago, CommanderCody said:

in the middle of our heated argument she specifically told me " Maybe I don't want to have a relationship anymore

man! the same exact same thing happened here. During our political disucssion--maybe she would call it an argument, but I wouldn't--she got very emotional and upset because i disagreed with her. This is when she told me maybe she would have to consider if these dfferences would be feesible in the long run. She said herself she reacted this way because of her situation, so I'm sure its no different on your end.

13 hours ago, CommanderCody said:

I am planning on volunteering in Red Cross for Emergency Response Unit, attend seminars about public speaking, and my best friend and I are planning on opening up a mexican-themed business next year. How about you?

Of course, its normal to feel sad. My body stlll tells me when its 9pm because a sudden sadness/lonliness/emptiness comes over me. Its when we would talk over the phone every night. We did this I think for 3 months straight, every single day.

That sounds great Cody, Good luck! A lot of things to look forward to. Public speaking is a very good thing to practice, can't go wrong there; and the red cross volunteering sounds like it will be a very rewarding experience to have. A buisness will be a lot of work, but the indepdence you gain is more than worth it. For me I've been just talking to family and friends all day since I've accepted the end, but I have a very ambitious goal of reading most of the western canon, as well as improving my writing. And I have some university research goals that i need to attend to. Other than that I'm just going to get some hours at work, and workout harder than usual. Maybe pick up my instrument again, or explore some of the research topics I have been neglecting. 

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3 hours ago, kayc said:

I viewed him as someone of value enough to continue to care about him and be friends with him.  I also understand his limitations.  I didn't know of his aspergers when we were going into a relationship, by the time I did, I already had feelings for him.  Things have changed greatly over the years though.  I realize all the more how fortunate I was to have escaped the big one with him!  I did not feel blessed the day I got his Fed Ex package breaking up with me at work.  Now, looking back, I can see it was indeed a blessing & near miss.  I still care about him and always will, but our relationship greatly changed that day and I have not been able to maintain friendship with him by hoping for more, you can ONLY be "friends" after breakup by having a long enough period of time to heal, and resolving NOT to go there again.  If one of us is secretly hoping for something  more, it opens the door for heartbreak, manipulation, and nothing good can come from it...if one knows this about themselves, they do best to continue healing, ON THEIR OWN and strengthen their resolve.  The other should understand, after all, they created the situation!

In the end, it doesn't really matter what anyone else understands or not, it is YOU that you need to focus on, not them.  Our primary focus should be in getting over them and healing and going on with our lives.  You can bet they are doing the same in their grief.  Their lack of awareness is not an excuse.  Neither is, in my books, their grief.  While we can understand it, and realize they are not themselves (they are their NEW selves however) we NEED someone that won't jerk the rug out from under us when things get hard.

You're right Kayc, and that is the bst way to look at it. You did dodge a bullet, and you're right that it is always best to find out sooner rther than later that someone won't be as commited as yourself to the relationship. A relationship should be a team, two people who fight through everything as one.

And I'm not sure if I could ever go back to being friends. I understand in your situation now why you felt it was alright; but her being my first love I'm not sure if that would ever be okay with me. Maybe I only say that now because I'm not over her. And you're right again that we need to focus on ourselves, this is now what I've been focusing on. No point in investing time and energy into someone who wants to deal with it alone. Its up to them to fix themseelves.

3 hours ago, kayc said:

Their lack of awareness is not an excuse

yes, I agree. How my ex dealt with this, it seemed like she was in her own world. And I don't think thats right. While I've never experienced the grief/stress she has, just knowing how much I loved and cared for her I don't think I could do to her what she did to me. and there is absolutly no excuse for how your ex dealt with your situation. That was awful. If you love someone they should always be on your mind, and in your considertions. I worried bout my ex all day, and it felt awful that I couldn't physially be there to console her. I would have done anything to not see her hurting anymore; and when she would cry it made me tear up too. Anything that hurt her hurt me too.

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6 hours ago, BaxterBurg said:

Thanks for sharing your methods, and I think its a good way to go about it. I am also experinecing the replaying memories; particularilty the dissapointing ones. I also keep replaying memories of random things in my past, and they all make me hurt for no particular reason.

You could try watching videos on Youtube about relationship coaches who gives advices on moving on from the first relationships or letting go. This is the only time I've done this type of stuff because I really want to move on from the pain that I have experienced. 

6 hours ago, BaxterBurg said:

I think about what we didn't get to do yet, and the lost futures, I just get this deep pain in my stomach like we missed out on a lot. Even if things weren't meant to be, we were robbed of many of those happy moments

I feel you on this bro. I can't tell you how many times I've thought about how great we could have been. To be honest I never see her as my " The One That Got Away " rather she will be my greatest " what could have been " or " what if " so far. I'm pretty sure whenever she would look back to our relationship and realize the times I've been there for her, hopefully she would see me as her The One That Got Away. I'm beginning to understand now what @selena1988has mentioned in my forum about " You will miss what was ( and what wasn't meant to be ) " I'm pretty sure we're missing the what could have been right now. Life really did do us dirty on that one or maybe blessed us with something even more greater.

 

7 hours ago, BaxterBurg said:

What I said came off as insulting and I really didnt mean it to. We talked about it the next day and explained what I meant, but she still felt the need to get angry and kind of yell.

This is what's difficult about talking to them sometimes. Sometimes they misinterpret what we said and they would give a negative feedback on it and we will wonder if there was something wrong we had said. 

 

7 hours ago, BaxterBurg said:

She said herself she reacted this way because of her situation, so I'm sure its no different on your end.

Most likely. Every action they have been doing are affected by grief so that's that.

 

7 hours ago, BaxterBurg said:

Its when we would talk over the phone every night. We did this I think for 3 months straight, every single day

Same here bro. It's a big adjustment and a huuuge withdrawal for the both of us and for our ex's from us being able to talk for number of consecutive days,weeks, and months, to not being able to talk everyday or not talk anymore. We feel empty from those especially we have shared a lot of stories, told secrets, and made many memories.

 

7 hours ago, BaxterBurg said:

That sounds great Cody, Good luck! A lot of things to look forward to. Public speaking is a very good thing to practice, can't go wrong there; and the red cross volunteering sounds like it will be a very rewarding experience to have. A buisness will be a lot of work, but the indepdence you gain is more than worth it. For me I've been just talking to family and friends all day since I've accepted the end, but I have a very ambitious goal of reading most of the western canon, as well as improving my writing. And I have some university research goals that i need to attend to. Other than that I'm just going to get some hours at work, and workout harder than usual. Maybe pick up my instrument again, or explore some of the research topics I have been neglecting. 

Thanks bro! Wishing you the best also in your plans. I've been giving my time a lot on playing the guitar these days and have been posting some covers on Instagram. It helps that I am able to release my emotions to playing guitar, especially when I play a really sad song, I would just sing it with full emotions. May I ask, how old are you? I feel like we're off the same age or our age isn't far from each other. I'm 23 btw. 

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58 minutes ago, CommanderCody said:

You could try watching videos on Youtube about relationship coaches who gives advices on moving on from the first relationships or letting go. This is the only time I've done this type of stuff because I really want to move on from the pain that I have experienced

Yeah I've been doing a lot of reading and wtaching videos on how to get over it. I think the best thing to do is cut contact and just focus on your hobbies etc. also writing helps.

 

1 hour ago, CommanderCody said:

I'm pretty sure we're missing the what could have been right now. Life really did do us dirty on that one or maybe blessed us with something even more greater

for sure. Me and her were talking about moving out together right before all this went down. We also discussed having a family and all that. I was forming my entire future around us being together, and it fueled everything I did. We had plans to travel, and I finally had someone to do all these things with. We're haunted by futures that never happened. I'm doing my best to imagne the future without her in it; its tough and I'm scared that im going to return to my old miserable self. I'm despreatly holding onto my underlying happiness right now. Try to envision a future of finding someone just as good or better than her, it helps me. Since they broke things off during ths means that they weren't great for us anyway.

1 hour ago, CommanderCody said:

Sometimes they misinterpret what we said

this is for sure true, but what I said was actually my fault. 

 

1 hour ago, CommanderCody said:

It helps that I am able to release my emotions to playing guitar

sounds good dude, i do this when writing. Always great to have an art to express yourself through.

 

1 hour ago, CommanderCody said:

how old are you?

im 20, so yeah we're pretty much the same age group.There's plenty of time for us to meet the right people. 

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Could you help me out with something, Back in May when we were just friends, I sang to her Photograph by Ed Sheeran because we had a deal that if the other person would sing, he/she would sing too and she was the first one to sing. When I played Photograph ( instrumental ) she had a reaction of " aww what a sad song " then I continued to sing it. Fast forward to November, I posted in my Instagram a short cover of Photograph of me and my little sister. The thing is, my sister was wearing the t-shirt my ex lend to me when I took a shower at their home back July. This is the month and time that we decided to work out the relationship so she replied to my video " awww so good!! " but she didn't say anything about the t-shirt my sister is wearing ( but I know she noticed it ) what I'm trying to say is, she might have got a hint that I'm playing this song for her especially that an item of hers is in the video which is indirectly pointing out to her.

Now, my sister and I have made the full cover of Ed Sheeran's Photograph and I'm planning to post it. I'm not sure whether I should show some emotions on the caption of my video cause I was thinking something like this " Ending the year with a Photograph. The many times I've listened to this song, this is the only time I have really understood each word in the lyrics and how beautifully constructed this song is. Hope you enjoy our cover! " or something just simple like this " Ending the year with a Photograph. Hope you enjoy our cover! " I really want to plant the song Photograph in her head that whenever she hears it, it will remind her of me because our love story is like the lyrics in Photograph. And my gut somehow tells me that whenever she hears of this song, I'm the one she will think about.

What do you think? @BaxterBurg@kayc

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Since you write, I would appreciate it if you could suggest a better caption for my song cover. Not too emotional, simple, but she'll know that I'm talking indirectly to her. Something like a " thank you to everyone who has been a big part of my 2020. Im grateful for the experience, lessons, and the shared memories etc. " something like that. 

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just a little update: I have to return the gift i got my ex since its too small, and i have to bring back some textbooks she lent me. Asked her if we couldd have our relationship discussion on the same day. this will be a month from now. I'll let you now what she says. @kayc any thoughts on how proceed depending n her reaction? She already blew me off for the movie; sometimes it seems like she just wants to get rid of me, but at the same time she left things open like this, and keeps reading my personal blog.

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Hi Baxter, 

Please forgive if I lost out on any details, however I feel that this topic helped me understand the big lines.

First of all, let me start by saying that I'm truly sorry for your situation. Going through a heartbreak is never easy, and speaking from my experience- I know that the first love leaves a long lasting impression.

As I've mentioned to several people, I feel you deserve better than this. Of course losing a loved one is difficult, and we can't blame people for reacting to such a difficult situation, however, I do feel that we can expect them to treat us with respect. 

In terms of your ex-girlfriend, it's difficult to tell whether she truly lost feelings for YOU or whether it's the grief that's made her uncertain. Given we only hear one side of the story on this board, I always try my best to not assume what the other person may think/feel, because a) I don't know them and b) I truly believe in the fact that although we can't control external factors, we can control our reaction to them.

Let's say it's her lack of coping that made her think she lost feelings, does that change things for you? Practically speaking, no, she'd still ask for space, and you'd still be left hurting. 

Given my age (32), I've had my fair share of relationships,I even left my ex-husband. Trust me when I say: in 99% of the cases it's about more than the situation, it's about how we deal with it. As I told, Cody, let's say that you and this girl reconcile down the track; how can you trust that she'll deal with another tragedy better later on in life?

As much as you and Cody want your exes back and fix things with them, please keep in mind that the relationship didn't work for a reason. It's easy to think that "once she's done grieving, we can get back on track ", but to be honest: in a way, you're lucky. You now know that when push comes to shove she may not be able to be there for you, and is that a quality you want and/or need in a future wife?

I feel that first and foremost you need to accept that her relationship with you is over. You'll never get your old relationship back, if you want to build something new with her, that's on new terms. Regardless of whether you're going to get over with her or try to get back on track, remember; this relationship is dead. You need to grieve it, and work on getting yourself in another mindset to be able to gain some perspective. I'm not trying to hurt your feelings, yet I do feel the need to be honest, and I feel you're not there yet. I doubt you'll be there in a month too.

Look, if this girl really is your future wife, you need to allow yourself anf her time to heal. The sad reality is; right now she's not in any position to give you what you need. Stability,communication and commitment are all important factors in any healthy relationship. 

In my opinion, she's not mature enough to get there in the span of weeks/few months. She needs to get herself right, and maybe then understand that letting her boyfriend go just like that was a result of something else. 

In psychology we seperate between inner and outer motivation. Your conversation, you trying to get back with her, can perhaps motivate her from an outside perspective, however, if you two are going to make it work, you need to allow her to find her inner motivation. She needs to change her attachment style, her way of communication and similar concepts, however these things doesn't happen over night. 

Please don't wait for her to sort herself out (if she ever does). Move on with your life, your studies, and start understanding what you can provide and what you need from a partner. 

The painful reality is, very few of us end up marrying our first love, but we grow, and we learn from our past "mistakes." Please know that love is out there and love will find you. 

A few hours ago I read this quote on Instagram and it feels right to share it with you and @CommanderCody;

"Are you fighting for love, or are you fighting for them to love you." 

I instantly thought of Cody, and now you too. It may seem similar, but to be honest, in my opinion, it makes all the difference. 

 

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Hello Selena, 

Thank you so much for taking the time to read/reply.

1 hour ago, selena1988 said:

let's say that you and this girl reconcile down the track; how can you trust that she'll deal with another tragedy better later on in life?

Thi is something I think about all the time, and you are right. I did everything I could to slavage the relationship, and it seemed like she just didn't have the energy or want to save it. I feel as though if we did get back together, she woud need to do a lot on her end for it to work. I should say that I have a blog which she reads frequently. I left two blog posts with tons of information regarding grief and break ups, as well as personal grief resources from Marty. I also showed her tons of screenshots from this forum, and she looked at around 20 posts. It seems that she is trying to understand her feelings more, and I think if it did happen again, it would be different. However, it would always be in the back of my mind. I even told her this in my blog posts, I said that if she wants this to work she would have to prove to me that I can trust her again.

 

1 hour ago, selena1988 said:

Let's say it's her lack of coping that made her think she lost feelings, does that change things for you? Practically speaking, no, she'd still ask for space, and you'd still be left hurting.

This is a really good point. I bascially already experienced it for a month without her telling me why we had distance. It was worse than what I'm feeling now; never have I felt so lonely in my entire life. I was extremely unhappy, and i kept it in for an entire month; I was actually relevied originally when we broke up. I have to keep this in mind. You're right.

 

1 hour ago, selena1988 said:

feel that first and foremost you need to accept that her relationship with you is over. You'll never get your old relationship back, if you want to build something new with her, that's on new terms

This is true, and something I have recognized. Its kind of what I meant by "feeling" like there's barriers to reconiciling. We would both know thatwe could never go back to how it was, esecially since she is still greiving. 

1 hour ago, selena1988 said:

Look, if this girl really is your future wife, you need to allow yourself anf her time to heal. The sad reality is; right now she's not in any position to give you what you need. Stability,communication and commitment are all important factors in any healthy relationship.

Yeah this is true. To be honest, me and my mom have been talking a lot, and just from my own experience with her, she seems to be easily emotionally overloaded. I think it will take a significant amount of time before she is able to be in a relationship again. 

 

1 hour ago, selena1988 said:

She needs to get herself right, and maybe then understand that letting her boyfriend go just like that was a result of something else

I hope my posts are helping her ralize this sooner. To me, she does just seem like a young woman who is getting her first dose of the adult world. She never had to deal with anything really before, and within a month all this s*** was just sprung on her. She seemed very broken by it, and I can't date someone who is broken. You're right. 

 

1 hour ago, selena1988 said:

Please don't wait for her to sort herself out (if she ever does). Move on with your life, your studies, and start understanding what you can provide and what you need from a partner. 

You're right again. I will do my best to focus on my own progression. I might have to cut contact with her for a while though, which means losing my friend group too. I feel like a friendship is too much, and even just seeing her name in class hurt me for some reason. I do think in time she will realize that thiswas not the right course of action. I won't wait for it though, if someone else comes along I have course won't hesitate to make it work with them. I still want to keep the door open for her though, I might just tell her that I need some time alone, but my the door for reconciiaion is open for her when shes ready; i just cant promise ill be there when she is.

 

Ill update here what her response is to our dicussion meet up. I have a feeling she will be uncomfortable with it, as she was with my movie propisition. I hope she is able to use the resources I gave her.

1 hour ago, selena1988 said:

"Are you fighting for love, or are you fighting for them to love you."

I'll keep this in mind. I know all too well that you can't force someone to love you, its how i felt that one month. On my blog I bascially told her that ive done everything I could at this point, and its up to her to make things work if she still wants the relationship.

 

This is a great post Selena, and very well written. It for sure helps.

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To be honest, I might even show her this post. I wonder how she would react. It seems like she does care about trying to figure it out, and this might be an interesting way for her to think about it. I guess I don't really have anything to lose. This was vey well written, and I appreciate the time you put into helping us.

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update: ok, so she totally ignored my request to meet up. All she said was that she needs the textbook sooner, and that her brother will be in the area so he can pick them up right now. No acknoledgement of my request. Ouch. First the movie, now this. I think she is immature and unable tp confront this situation. Can't beleive I did so much for her and she can't even give me a simple response to my requests, suprised she even accepted a replacement sweater at this point.

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40 minutes ago, BaxterBurg said:

Hello Selena, 

Thank you so much for taking the time to read/reply.

Thi is something I think about all the time, and you are right. I did everything I could to slavage the relationship, and it seemed like she just didn't have the energy or want to save it. I feel as though if we did get back together, she woud need to do a lot on her end for it to work. I should say that I have a blog which she reads frequently. I left two blog posts with tons of information regarding grief and break ups, as well as personal grief resources from Marty. I also showed her tons of screenshots from this forum, and she looked at around 20 posts. It seems that she is trying to understand her feelings more, and I think if it did happen again, it would be different. However, it would always be in the back of my mind. I even told her this in my blog posts, I said that if she wants this to work she would have to prove to me that I can trust her again.

 

This is a really good point. I bascially already experienced it for a month without her telling me why we had distance. It was worse than what I'm feeling now; never have I felt so lonely in my entire life. I was extremely unhappy, and i kept it in for an entire month; I was actually relevied originally when we broke up. I have to keep this in mind. You're right.

 

This is true, and something I have recognized. Its kind of what I meant by "feeling" like there's barriers to reconiciling. We would both know thatwe could never go back to how it was, esecially since she is still greiving. 

Yeah this is true. To be honest, me and my mom have been talking a lot, and just from my own experience with her, she seems to be easily emotionally overloaded. I think it will take a significant amount of time before she is able to be in a relationship again. 

 

I hope my posts are helping her ralize this sooner. To me, she does just seem like a young woman who is getting her first dose of the adult world. She never had to deal with anything really before, and within a month all this s*** was just sprung on her. She seemed very broken by it, and I can't date someone who is broken. You're right. 

 

You're right again. I will do my best to focus on my own progression. I might have to cut contact with her for a while though, which means losing my friend group too. I feel like a friendship is too much, and even just seeing her name in class hurt me for some reason. I do think in time she will realize that thiswas not the right course of action. I won't wait for it though, if someone else comes along I have course won't hesitate to make it work with them. I still want to keep the door open for her though, I might just tell her that I need some time alone, but my the door for reconciiaion is open for her when shes ready; i just cant promise ill be there when she is.

 

Ill update here what her response is to our dicussion meet up. I have a feeling she will be uncomfortable with it, as she was with my movie propisition. I hope she is able to use the resources I gave her.

I'll keep this in mind. I know all too well that you can't force someone to love you, its how i felt that one month. On my blog I bascially told her that ive done everything I could at this point, and its up to her to make things work if she still wants the relationship.

 

This is a great post Selena, and very well written. It for sure helps.

I'm so happy to hear that it helped, Baxter.💗

To be honest, she said she doesn't have feelings and although her perspective is a little lost, I still feel that you posting on your blog, sending her messages, trying to convince her, isn't the way to go. In fact, I have a feeling that the more you do this, the further she pushes her away. 

Let's turn the tables; in her opinion, she shared her true feelings (she's not in love with you anymore), and you keep on asking her to meet up, try to show her how her judgement is clouded... if she has no feelings left, this behaviour will probably annoy her. For her, it may feel like you don't accept her decision. 

Meeting with her before she gets time to heal will probably cause more harm than good. If she really is the one for you, you giving her space for a few months won't change that fact.

Take a step, back. Think. How would you advice Cody in this situation? Most of the things you shared with him also applies for you I feel. 

A lot of people feel that giving their ex space is the worst thing you can do, however, it's actually the opposite. We all want to be the captain of our own lives and that part comes from inner motivation. For her to be able to miss you, you need to leave completely. 

My coach once told me this and it's so true: "If it costs you peace, it's too expensive. " 

 

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On 12/29/2020 at 2:37 PM, selena1988 said:

et's turn the tables; in her opinion, she shared her true feelings (she's not in love with you anymore), and you keep on asking her to meet up, try to show her how her judgement is clouded... if she has no feelings left, this behaviour will probably annoy her. For her, it may feel like you don't accept her decision

Yeah you're 100% right, i ended up calling her to ask her when they would be here, and then I asked her about the meeting. She said I was putting her in an "uncomfortable position" and that she already explained everything that needs to be explained.. I said no, there's still uncertainty about everything, and i just wanted closure. She got very annoyed. I get what you're saying that she has told me all that she knows, but thats why I set it in a month or two which we already agreed to do this meetup after our last talk. She said theres no need for an in-person meeting because there's no rush and I canjust message her or call her whenever. We will also just see eachother in school (which, keep in mind, is like 7 months from now, if fall term is even in person). I just said okay. She doesn't even seem interested in having a relationship with me in the future, why does she keep it open? My mom was her longest defender, and liked her a lot, but even she got pissed with how shes dealing with this. To me it just seems immature. This wouldn't have happened if she just answered my requests, instead of ignoring it. After seeing how you two are dealing with your situation, I don't think this is right. 

Doesn't seem like she wants to confront this situation, and is just pulling me along. And like you said, I can't trust someone like this through the tough times. If shes so mad with me, why can't she just say that we have no future?

Youre right though, I should have just left it as is. But I don't agree at all with how shes dealing with this, neither does anyone else.

On 12/29/2020 at 2:37 PM, selena1988 said:

If she really is the one for you, you giving her space for a few months won't change that fact.

It would have been 3-4 months by the date I had asked, but i get what youre saying. This call probably ruined it though, or at least made her angry for now. 

And in my blog posts i said that its just up to her to mke the relationship work if she wants to, and that I wasn't expecting the relationship to work out because from waht I have read they never do; so i don't think its that. I also said that we need time away so that she can heal. But I might just block her from my blog or something, I doubt shes even going to be viewing it after this.

 

Thanks for your reply Selena, I should have listened to Kayc from the start and just did NC. Oh well, live and learn. 

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30 minutes ago, BaxterBurg said:

Yeah you're 100% right, i ended up calling her to ask her when they would be here, and then I asked her about the meeting. She said I was putting her in an "uncomfortable position" and she did say thatshe felt like she did explain everything to me already. I said no, there's still uncertainty about everything, and i just wanted closure. She got very annoyed, but hasn't given me any answers. I told my mom what she said and she for the first tiem got very upset with her. I said that we already agreed to do this meetup after our last talk. She said theres no need for an in-person meeting because there's no rush and I canjust message her or call her whenever. We will also just see eachother in school (which, keep in mind, is like 7 months from now, if fall term is even in person lol) I just said okay.

Doesn't seem like she wants to confront this situation, and is just pulling me along. I'm going to go no contact with her. How shes been reacting to me is really making realize she not the person I want to be with. And if shes so mad with me, why can't she just say that we have no future? Why can't she just msg me and say "no" about the movie? Oh well, I feel like I lost my feelings for her now. Time to move on. Its for the best that I did this, at least it won't be so hard anymore. Posting your reply on my blog.

Youre right though, I should have just left it as is. But I don't agree at all with how shes dealing with this, neither does anyone else. Not someone I want to go through a tough situation with.

It would have been 3-4 months by that date, but i get what youre saying. This call probably ruined it though. 

And in my blog posts i said that its just up to her to mke the relationship work if she wants to, and that I wasn't expecting the relationship to work out; so i don't think its that. 

I'm so sorry to hear about the latest development. I understand that you feel she hasn't provided you the ending/closure you needed, but here's the thing; more often than not, that's unfortunately the case. 

In your opinion, her saying she suddenly lost feelings doesn't make sense, while for her, that's the reality and her telling you that was her way of providing you closure.

You have every right to feel betrayed and hurt, but unfortunately, you won't get the closure you need from her. Sometimes we need to find the closure within ourselves. 

When she doesn't respond about meeting up, it means she's not ready yet. Like I mentioned in my previous post, time is the best healing, and you need to allow her and yourself time to heal. 

Going no contact for some time is probably best, both to heal and gain new perspective. 

I understand that losing your first love, the one you thought was the one, for no fault of yours, is very painful. Her avoiding you probably adds to that feeling. 

Let her be for some time. Keep talking with people you trust, update this topic, but I advice that you stop posting about the relationship on your blog, alternatively block her from reading.  Her reading your blog about the break up is an one sided experience, and if anything, I believe she'll feel that you push her even further away. You look at things from your perspective, she has her own. Although you may feel that your posts are open-minded or informative, chances are, she feels it's another way of trying to convince her. 

As much as I understand your situation, let me try to put myself in her shoes for a minute. If I told someone I would meet him months down the lane, I would probably feel uncomfortable if I felt he wanted me to commit to a date before I was ready. 

She's confused and while I can understand why her not responding hurts, it's likely that she can't process the idea of a meeting right now. I have a feeling that she feels the blog posts, combined with your requests, probably are overwhelming to deal with.

If I was in your shoes, I would have texted her: "Sorry if you feel I got a bit emotional and demanding during our call. This relationship meant a great deal to me, sometimes my emotions may run wild. I apologize and promise to honor your request for space to an even larger extent from now on." 

That way you acknowledge her feelings, and that this conversation wasn't great, however, that's all you should do. As you said, she's not dealing well with the situation at all, and although she could feel uncomfortable, responding to someone is a general courtsey. 

Sending you a big hug! Hang in there💗💗💗

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