Girlfriend broke things off during grief

[BaxterBurg]

14 minutes ago, selena1988 said:

I'm so sorry to hear about the latest development. I understand that you feel she hasn't provided you the ending/closure you needed, but here's the thing; more often than not, that's unfortunately the case. 

In your opinion, her saying she suddenly lost feelings doesn't make sense, while for her, that's the reality and her telling you that was her way of providing you closure.

You have every right to feel betrayed and hurt, but unfortunately, you won't get the closure you need from her. Sometimes we need to find the closure within ourselves. 

When she doesn't respond about meeting up, it means she's not ready yet. Like I mentioned in my previous post, time is the best healing, and you need to allow her and yourself time to heal. 

Going no contact for some time is probably best, both to heal and gain new perspective. 

I understand that losing your first love, the one you thought was the one, for no fault of yours, is very painful. Her avoiding you probably adds to that feeling. 

Let her be for some time. Keep talking with people you trust, update this topic, but I advice that you stop posting about the relationship on your blog, alternatively block her from reading.  Her reading your blog about the break up is an one sided experience, and if anything, I believe she'll feel that you push her even further away. You look at things from your perspective, she has her own. Although you may feel that your posts are open-minded or informative, chances are, she feels it's another way of trying to convince her. 

As much as I understand your situation, let me try to put myself in her shoes for a minute. If I told someone I would meet him months down the lane, I would probably feel uncomfortable if I felt he wanted me to commit to a date before I was ready. 

She's confused and while I can understand why her not responding hurts, it's likely that she can't process the idea of a meeting right now. I have a feeling that she feels the blog posts, combined with your requests, probably are overwhelming to deal with.

If I was in your shoes, I would have texted her: "Sorry if you feel I got a bit emotional and demanding during our call. This relationship meant a great deal to me, sometimes my emotions may run wild. I apologize and promise to honor your request for space to an even larger extent from now on." 

That way you acknowledges her feelings, and that this conversation wasn't great, however, that's all you should do. As you said, she's not dealing well with the situation at all, and although she could feel uncomfortable, responding to someone is a general courtsey. 

 

hmm I understand what you're saying; and can understand from her perspective as well. With the movie, I told her it was just a no strings attatched friend thing, and I joked about it a little. We both laughed. I understand how that may be uncomfortable for her, but it was very lighthearted and the least she could have said was "no, i dont think im comfortable with that". I would have understood.

 I was veyr passive during the call and i said that i respect her perpective. All good there. I think she is getting frustrated that I can't seem to understand why she does things, or what she says. I will take your advise and just NC. I remembered I can't block her, but i might just private the posts and keep posting my usual stuff.

Also, one more thing to note, she never asked me for space. She said us being friends is fine, hence why I asked her to watch the movie still. I thought us just hanging out while she's going through her grief would be fun for us, and something that would take her mind off everything.

Should i post maybe something on my blog just saying I understand or something? Or just leave it at this point?

 

Thanks again Selena, your insights are pefect. And thanks for your understanding of my perpective too.

[selena1988]

2 minutes ago, BaxterBurg said:

hmm I understand what you're saying; and can understand from her perspective as well. With the movie, I told her it was just a no strings attatched friend thing, and I joked about it a little. I understand how that may be uncomfortable for her, but it was very lighthearted and the least she could have said was "no, i dont think im comfortable with that". I would have understood.

 I was veyr passive during the call and i said that i respect her perpective. All good there. I think she is getting frustrated that I can't seem to understand why she does things, or what she says. I will take your advise and just NC. I remembered I can't block her, but i might just private the posts and keep posting my usual stuff.

Also, one more thing to note, she never asked me for space. She said us being friends is fine, hence why I asked her to watch the movie still. I thought us just hanging out while she's going through her grief would be fun for us. 

 

Thanks again Selena, your insights are pefect.

Thanks for making that clear, that changes the context a little bit. If you do decide to send her a "clean slate" message, maybe add this part to it. Sum it up the way you did to me, I think she would appreciate that. Then follow up on your plan.

As much as we want to remain friends with our exes, it's very difficult, especially straight of the bat. Although you may not intend to put any pressure on her, she can still feel that's the case. That's the problem; feelings are too raw. 

It sounds like the movie night was a miscommunication. I can totally understand why you feel hurt, and although this doesn't exuce her behaviour, I have a feeling she may not want to turn you down more than she already did. 

 

[BaxterBurg]

hey, so i said "I dont mean to annyoy you about the relationship. I understand you don't have the answers Im looking for, and ill leave it at that. have a happy holiday and happy new year"

[BaxterBurg]

4 minutes ago, selena1988 said:

As much as we want to remain friends with our exes, it's very difficult, especially straight of the bat. Although you may not intend to put any pressure on her, she can still feel that's the case. That's the problem; feelings are too raw. 

It sounds like the movie night was a miscommunication. I can totally understand why you feel hurt, and although this doesn't exuce her behaviour, I have a feeling she may not want to turn you down more than she already did

Yeah thats true. Its for the best that I NC. And I kind of figured that she just didnt want to keep saying no to me, it probably worsened her guilt especially since I was good to her.

Thanks for all your help Selena!! Seriously appreciate it. Happy new year! And i'll update here if anything changes in the future.

[selena1988]

5 minutes ago, BaxterBurg said:

Yeah thats true. Its for the best that I NC. And I kind of figured that she just didnt want to keep saying no to me, it probably worsened her guilt especially since I was good to her.

Thanks for all your help Selena!! Seriously appreciate it. Happy new year! And i'll update here if anything changes in the future.

Proud of you. I know this must be very difficult for you. Would love to hear how things pan out for you.

Wish you too a happy new year, must 2021 be filled with love, hope, and new beginnings.

Maybe, in a weird way, this was the final push you needed to break free. 

Take care 🌸

[BaxterBurg]

I feel so free now knowing I don't have any obligation to her anymore-- a giant weight off my shoulders. I can finally move past the worst 2-3 months of my life. I cant explain how hard it was trying to be there for her, helping her with school work, her coldness, constantly worrying about the relationship and finlly trying to repair it and win her back. I can honestly say I tried my best, and Its finally over, hoping for a better 2021!

[kayc]

22 hours ago, BaxterBurg said:

@kayc any thoughts on how proceed depending n her reaction? She already blew me off for the movie; sometimes it seems like she just wants to get rid of me, but at the same time she left things open like this, and keeps reading my personal blog.

BaxterBug & CommanderCody,

I don't think it's been easy for anyone on either side.  I feel they're unable to do a relationship while grieving; grieving has a beginning but not necessarily an end, it just evolves.  I can speak from my experience and what I've read from each and every post/thread in this section...they're done.  No amount of cajoling or waiting, etc. is changing anything.  It's not about us, how patient we are, what we've done/haven't done, it's about THEM and what THEY are going through.  Only they can control that.  There's no manipulating change in the outcome, no "if I do this then maybe they will do that."  Only harsh reality and up to us when we accept iit and do what's best for us.  I've recommended going dark on them (block on FB, etc.) so you don't keep looking to see if they've maybe responded, read it, etc. and instead focus on YOUR healing. My 2 cents for what it's worth.  Of course they aren't dealing with it well, they're grieving.  Will they ever come around?  Not likely!  Read each and every thread in here like I have (it'll take you a LONG time!) and you will see a pattern, there's your answer.

[kayc]

17 hours ago, selena1988 said:

If I was in your shoes, I would have texted her: "Sorry if you feel I got a bit emotional and demanding during our call. This relationship meant a great deal to me, sometimes my emotions may run wild. I apologize and promise to honor your request for space to an even larger extent from now on." 

That way you acknowledge her feelings, and that this conversation wasn't great, however, that's all you should do. As you said, she's not dealing well with the situation at all, and although she could feel uncomfortable, responding to someone is a general courtsey. 

 

[BaxterBurg]

2 hours ago, kayc said:

BaxterBug & CommanderCody,

I don't think it's been easy for anyone on either side.  I feel they're unable to do a relationship while grieving; grieving has a beginning but not necessarily an end, it just evolves.  I can speak from my experience and what I've read from each and every post/thread in this section...they're done.  No amount of cajoling or waiting, etc. is changing anything.  It's not about us, how patient we are, what we've done/haven't done, it's about THEM and what THEY are going through.  Only they can control that.  There's no manipulating change in the outcome, no "if I do this then maybe they will do that."  Only harsh reality and up to us when we accept iit and do what's best for us.  I've recommended going dark on them (block on FB, etc.) so you don't keep looking to see if they've maybe responded, read it, etc. and instead focus on YOUR healing. My 2 cents for what it's worth.  Of course they aren't dealing with it well, they're grieving.  Will they ever come around?  Not likely!  Read each and every thread in here like I have (it'll take you a LONG time!) and you will see a pattern, there's your answer.

You're right Kayc. I think I've accepted that now. Knowing my ex, its going to take her a very long time to handle what happened, and me just sticking around is hurting the both of us. Imight have to let my friends go as well, I'm not sure. Its sad that this happened, and that she still cound'nt even tell me to move on or anything concrete other than that her feelings are gone but "might come back" and that there is "no reason not to want to be with me". My frined warned me day 1 that she might be unconciously stringing me along after she sid that she "misses me" the day after the break up. I just have to move on.

thanks for your insights through this Kayc, should have listened from the start!

[BaxterBurg]

its starting to sting again, especially because im losing my two friends too. I wish we could just go back to how things used to be. Too much hurt.

[kayc]

21 hours ago, BaxterBurg said:

her feelings are gone but "might come back" and that there is "no reason not to want to be with me".

That kind of waffling is not helpful to you at all!  It strikes me as cowardly, but I also realize she doesn't know her own mind, deep in grief, Jim was the same way.  I had to recognize what was good for me and do accordingly.  Such a hard process!  My heart goes out to both you and @CommanderCody as you are both true blue guys that gave your all and it seems sad that someone should be the recipient of that and not fully appreciate it!  But then I went through that too.  I had to learn to value and appreciate myself...I haven't sought a relationship since Jim.  Not that I wouldn't have liked one, just haven't met my criteria yet and likely won't as I don't do on line dating and I'm getting older...where I live there isn't much to choose from.  Only "hits" have been 20 years my senior looking for a caregiver, no thanks.  If I was in love with someone and married to them, I'd be glad to take care of them, I would have done anything for my late husband!  But somehow there's a big difference to me.  You start with your heart/compatibility, shared values, friendship.

I am so sorry you find yourself losing your friends.  That's added complication/hurt.  Cody has been friends with her brother, it's so hard.  Keep in mind that a few years from now your life will have been built back and this won't sting so much...maybe even in months from now.  

[BaxterBurg]

On 12/31/2020 at 9:32 AM, kayc said:

Not that I wouldn't have liked one, just haven't met my criteria yet and likely won't

 

On 12/31/2020 at 9:32 AM, kayc said:

  I had to learn to value and appreciate myself

Being able to love yourself is a very special thing. I know many need a relationship for validation to make themselves feel special, but its always the best when that validation and love comes from within. its important that we stick to our criteria and not just let anyone into our lives. my ex was the bascially the first woman i asked out for this reason. From all our talks, I never would have guessed she would handle everything so poorly--I guess i was mistaken. Clearly from reading so many forums and your story etc, the hurt that the wrong person can do is awful and life changing to many. Prior to dating my ex, i was fairly content with myself, just doing what I wanted to do and having no social obligations to anyone but my family. Now I feel totally off the rails and confused on where to go from here. What a mess this all has been, I think I aged a few years through these anxious/stressful/depressing months that was our relationship.  

On 12/31/2020 at 9:32 AM, kayc said:

If I was in love with someone and married to them, I'd be glad to take care of them, I would have done anything for my late husband

I understand this fully, and we need somone willing to do the same for us. All I wnted to do was to take care of her through this, I cared for her so deeply. When she would text me about how scared she was, I just knew how much she must have been crying--it broke my heart. 

On 12/31/2020 at 9:32 AM, kayc said:

I am so sorry you find yourself losing your friends.  That's added complication/hurt

Its pretty upsetting honestly. I loved bantering with them during class/in our group chat, and I don't want to be alone at university again, but I'm not sure if I can hang around them anymore if she will be there. It might just hurt too much, especially if she moves on. I don't think I could ever handle seeing that. I can't even look at a picture of her still, I just get a pit in my stomach. Seeing her in virtual class even gives me a pit in my stomach.

 

On 12/31/2020 at 9:32 AM, kayc said:

Keep in mind that a few years from now your life will have been built back and this won't sting so much...maybe even in months from now.

Thanks Kayc, I think I will be okay and back on track in a few months. Hoping you have a happy and healthy new year. Thank you for your continued insights.

[BaxterBurg]

You were right @kayc, the holidays are the worst when it comes to grieving, no matter what kind. I don't think I have ever cried this much, and I never even experienced a holiday with her. I never expected a heartbreak to hurt this bad, it's just so awful. I was doing so well I thought, and then all of the sudden it hits me at midnight that shes not there. I love her so much and she's not there. Tell me if this is odd, but I have had 3 close deaths in my family but nothing compared to this loss. Is that strange?

[kayc]

No, not strange at all.  The two that hit me hardest were not my parents or sister, but my husband and favorite dog of all time.  They were the two I loved the most, the two that were in my everyday life, the ones I loved, talked to, spent time with.  They affected me the most.  You think about how much it affects every aspect of your life, it's no wonder it knocks us down!  I literally wrapped my life around Arlie after losing George, I'd get up at 4 am and cook for him (he had acute chronic Colitis, life long).  We went on walks together twice a day, every day, even when icy, snow, heat, you name it.  I loved taking him to the park, walking the trails with him, giving him a ride, anything to make him happy.  His happiness made me happy!  And now he too is gone.  I'm 68, it feels like everyone/everything I love disappears.  These are not the golden years promised.  I miss having a family, raising kids, the noisiness, the bustle, now I live with ghosts.  Makes me understand how my mom must have felt, but even she too is gone now.  You have your whole life ahead of you, you still have the best yet to come.  It may not feel like it today, but it will...

[BaxterBurg]

On 1/1/2021 at 7:32 AM, kayc said:

No, not strange at all.  The two that hit me hardest were not my parents or sister, but my husband and favorite dog of all time.  They were the two I loved the most, the two that were in my everyday life, the ones I loved, talked to, spent time with.  They affected me the most.  You think about how much it affects ever aspect of your life, it's no wonder it knocks us down!  I literally wrapped my life around Arlie after losing George, I'd get up at 4 am and cook for him (he had acute chronic Colitis, life long).  We went on walks together twice a day, every day, even when icy, snow, heat, you name it.  I loved taking him to the park, walking the trails with him, giving him a ride, anything to make him happy.  His happiness made me happy!  And now he too is gone.  I'm 68, it feels like everyone/everything I love disappears.  These are not the golden years promised.  I miss having a family, raising kids, the noisiness, the bustle, now I live with ghosts.  Makes me understand how my mom must have felt, but even she too is gone now.  You have your whole life ahead of you, you still have the best yet to come.  It may not feel like it today, but it will...

Thank you for sharing your story Kayc. I could never understand the grief surrounding pets, but this is very insightful; I'm sorry for your losses. And its true that the spectres of the past will always haunt our present; I guess thats why you never truly "get over" grief--you move on with it.

On 1/1/2021 at 7:32 AM, kayc said:

You have your whole life ahead of you, you still have the best yet to come.  It may not feel like it today, but it will

I hope you're right Kayc; but sometimes I wonder if I'm already experiencing the good times. Having a family is my main goal in life, and I think that's why this loss is so painful for me; the future just seems scary now.

Hope we both have a better 2021, take care Kayc.

[kayc]

I hold hope for you even if you don't see it right now.  Sometimes it lies not only in what we can't see but in what will be!

I hope for the same (2021 better) too dear friend!

[CommanderCody]

how are you holding up, baxter? 

[BaxterBurg]

On 1/5/2021 at 4:11 AM, CommanderCody said:

how are you holding up, baxter? 

Hey cody, I'm doing okay. Still stings quite a bit sometimes, especially the uncertainty of the future. Taking it day by day, trying not to focus on the future as much; gonna work on my projects and getting in a lot of hours at work, talken to friends, etc.

How are you holding up Kody?

[CommanderCody]

I'm glad you're doing okay. I bet it still isn't easy to move on from what was. As I've mentioned on my forum, I thought about my ex a lot since yesterday and the other day but the thought of her doesn't affect my actions, my mood or my present; she's just constantly on my mind and it hurts me knowing this is how we are now. 

I really have been accepting our situation slowly day by day and it really is effective. I can feel the pain in my heart that was once there whenever I would think of her has lessened. Right now I could say I'm at the "accepting stage" since I haven't fully moved on yet but I know to myself that sooner or later I will finally be free of the thoughts I have been thinking today. 

I have been focusing a lot on myself lately, reflecting a lot; just like what I have been doing since last year. Right now I'm searching up for public speaking seminars, and in a few moment I'll be heading to my school to enroll in our second semester. I would also drop by for the volunteering after that. I told myself that this would be the year I would make it up for myself and I will use the pain of the break up as fuel to get to where I need to be going. This is the first step I guess. 

[BaxterBurg]

7 minutes ago, CommanderCody said:

I'm glad you're doing okay. I bet it still isn't easy to move on from what was. As I've mentioned on my forum, I thought about my ex a lot since yesterday and the other day but the thought of her doesn't affect my actions, my mood or my present; she's just constantly on my mind and it hurts me knowing this is how we are now. 

I really have been accepting our situation slowly day by day and it really is effective. I can feel the pain in my heart that was once there whenever I would think of her has lessened. Right now I could say I'm at the "accepting stage" since I haven't fully moved on yet but I know to myself that sooner or later I will finally be free of the thoughts I have been thinking today. 

I have been focusing a lot on myself lately, reflecting a lot; just like what I have been doing since last year. Right now I'm searching up for public speaking seminars, and in a few moment I'll be heading to my school to enroll in our second semester. I would also drop by for the volunteering after that. I told myself that this would be the year I would make it up for myself and I will use the pain of the break up as fuel to get to where I need to be going. This is the first step I guess. 

Sounds like you're on the right path cody, maybe even more so than myself. Im glad to hear the memories aren't affecting you as much as they were, but I'm going through the same feelings. Keep moving forward, and stay strong. Best of luck in your studies.

Take care,

-BB

[kayc]

7 hours ago, CommanderCody said:

I have been focusing a lot on myself lately, reflecting a lot; just like what I have been doing since last year. Right now I'm searching up for public speaking seminars, and in a few moment I'll be heading to my school to enroll in our second semester. I would also drop by for the volunteering after that. I told myself that this would be the year I would make it up for myself and I will use the pain of the break up as fuel to get to where I need to be going. This is the first step I guess. 

Good for you!  Using something hard to channel into something good.  👍

[CommanderCody]

How are you baxter?

[BaxterBurg]

15 hours ago, CommanderCody said:

How are you baxter?

Hey Cody,

Not too great honestly. It seems that as the loss sets in more, the more I miss her, and the more anxious I'm becoming. I've been waking up early in a panic these last few days, and her picture still makes me feel sick. The thought of her possibly dating someone new kills me, and I feel like moving and blocking her on everything, just letting go of it all. Can't help but blame myself too for what happened. I also just hate the thought of having to date someone new, and possibly get hurt again. I hoped I had avoided all that with her. I don't think I'll ever be able to date so freely and innocently now, I'll just be worrying about when they will "lose feelings" and bail. That's just where my thoughts are currently.

How are you doing?

[CommanderCody]

5 hours ago, BaxterBurg said:

Not too great honestly. It seems that as the loss sets in more, the more I miss her, and the more anxious I'm becoming. I've been waking up early in a panic these last few days, and her picture still makes me feel sick. The thought of her possibly dating someone new kills me, and I feel like moving and blocking her on everything, just letting go of it all. 

Im sorry to hear that you're having a hard time moving on as time progress. I know its not easy in this phase, given that each day passes without knowing anything about her at the moment is really a difficult thought to think about. I have been in that phase and I know how hard fighting our anxiety is. It really sucks thinking those thoughts. Even I had to control my anxiety when I thought of what if she has been talking to other guys or what if she had sex with somebody. But I know that those thoughts wont help me at all and I had a discussion with myself saying that anything that she does beyond this point is none of my business and I just got to accept that and get past it. It might not be easy at first but thats a start.

5 hours ago, BaxterBurg said:

How are you doing?

Im doing fine but not that great, trying to be great tho. Ive changed some routines that I have been doing recently, for example : I have been putting more effort in writing things I have to do in the day in my journal. 

I can somehow say I have gone past thru the withdrawal phase of intimacy; I dont think that much often anymore when we had intimacy. But I still think of her everyday, I dont know why. Somehow Im still hoping a little that she'll reach out but I dont think thats gonna happen anytime soon. I have been watching a lot of " let go and trust the universe " videos on YT and it was helpful for me to remain calm and ride the wave. 

[BaxterBurg]

1 hour ago, CommanderCody said:

But I know that those thoughts wont help me at all and I had a discussion with myself saying that anything that she does beyond this point is none of my business and I just got to accept that and get past it. It might not be easy at first but thats a start

Yeah it defenitely doesn't help to think about. Trying my best to accept it, I just wish I could forget about her. Just want to pack up and leave; hate this.

1 hour ago, CommanderCody said:

doing fine but not that great, trying to be great tho. Ive changed some routines that I have been doing recently, for example : I have been putting more effort in writing things I have to do in the day in my journal. 

I can somehow say I have gone past thru the withdrawal phase of intimacy; I dont think that much often anymore when we had intimacy. But I still think of her everyday, I dont know why. Somehow Im still hoping a little that she'll reach out but I dont think thats gonna happen anytime soon. I have been watching a lot of " let go and trust the universe " videos on YT and it was helpful for me to remain calm and ride the wave.

Glad to hear you're doing fine. Seems like you're making good progress. The routine is good, something I should probably do again--i used to do that in my relationship. Divide my day into my hobbies and then talk to her before bed.

I think we're at about the same point in recovery, that's how I would describe my feelings. Can't stop thinking about her all day either. Also with the hope of her reaching out, i feel that too from time to time. Most of the time i just want her out of my life--I only miss the old her, not the new one. I have been thinking of something interesting. I imagine the old her has died. Sounds weird but it preserves the love I had for her before, and it allows me to greive that shes gone forever. The new her I don't want in my life, so I don't miss her as much. I find its easier to deal with normal grief rather than the ambigious grief. Helps with the bad thought of her being with somebody else a bit too. Also, if she were to move on right now, after sying she can't handle a relationship and not telling me if we have a future yet, then shes not someone I want to be with anyway.

Take care, feel free to keep dropping in from time to time, I seem to be coming on here everyday for some reason and just reading stuff 👍.