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I miss him, and I feel guilty for moving on


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I lost my beautiful brother a few months ago, and although I'm doing okay, I struggle with the fact that I'll never meet him again. Given the fact that I've down a lot of therapy previously, and worked on myself, I understand why I in some aspects seem to move on 'easily' (if one ever can compare these things) to others. 

Every day I try to remind myself that he'd want me to be happy, he'd want me to be a boss babe for my lovely niece, but it hurts to realize that I'm working towards things and a future, he'll never have. 

A few days ago, my mother offered me some money that she was left by him. Both her and his wife have taken what they feel they need, and they deeply want me and my remaining brother to take around 15k USD each. Obviously, not a big amount, however for me, it's so important that they reflect his wants. 

To be honest, I've made a pretty decent career in the business world at 32 and I don't really need the 10k, but I love the sentiment that my younger brother is looking out for me. I've decided that I want to donate 1/3 to a charity (the orphanage I was adopted from, to help kids that doesn't have a future), invest 1/3 in a college fund for my beautiful niece (in 14 years that could be a decent amount) and invest the remaining 1/3 for a down payment on a home in US (I already purchased an apartment in Norway).

As much as I want to do the right thing, another part of me also feels like I'm moving on by doing this, and deep down, a small part of me feel uncomfortable doing that. I understand that I don't need to make a final decision today, and I'll give myself whatever time I need- however I do feel the need to address this reaction. I understand it's a part of the process, but still...

I have accepted the loss and I'm working towards a better future every day, so I don't get why this hit do hard. I'll definitely bring up this topic in therapy, however I'd love different perspectives. If anyone has any input or similar experiences to share, I'd love to hear about it.

 

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Selena,

I've been reading your posts in the other section and appreciate you and your wisdom.  There's no doubt in my mind that you are very capable.  

Why do you think your brother left the $?  That your mom wants to share some of it with you tells me she doesn't have need of it.  Honestly, I think your idea about what to do with it is wonderful.  It was your adoption that gave you your brother, so to speak, so I think donating some to them is apropos.  

Thank you, Marty, for sharing these articles, they're keepers!

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 12/30/2020 at 4:44 PM, kayc said:

Selena,

I've been reading your posts in the other section and appreciate you and your wisdom.  There's no doubt in my mind that you are very capable.  

Why do you think your brother left the $?  That your mom wants to share some of it with you tells me she doesn't have need of it.  Honestly, I think your idea about what to do with it is wonderful.  It was your adoption that gave you your brother, so to speak, so I think donating some to them is apropos.  

Thank you, Marty, for sharing these articles, they're keepers!

Hi kayc

Thank you so much for your beautiful and thought of response as always. I really appreciate your kind words and faith in my decision. Also, I really admire the effort you put into responding to everyone here.😻

Sorry for the bit of a delayed response on my end. I've been taking some time offline to focus on my family, my boyfriend and just enjoying the holidays. 

I've had some good discussions with my boyfriend about this topic, and for now I've decided to invest the amount. I need some perspective to be sure of my decisions and there's no rush to spend anything. If anything, the lump sum I can donate will be even more down the line.

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On 12/29/2020 at 7:54 PM, MartyT said:

Such an interesting question!

It turns out that others have written about this phenomenon, and you may find these perspectives helpful:

Guilty Money: The Guilt of Inherited Wealth

How to Overcome Inheritor's Guilt

The emotional struggle of receiving an inheritance

Thank you so much for sharing these resources, Marty. I'll definetely take a closer look at them. 

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