Grief is unbearable

[kayc]

3 hours ago, Agemgem said:

I kept my sanity because she was with me the entire time.

One positive out of this whole thing!  I had a dog, Lucky, that I could bring to work with me.  She was completely trained under voice command, and so gentle and sweet, everyone loved her!  People in our building used to stop in and ask if they could take her for a walk on their break.  She'd lay on her blanket next to me while I worked.  It was so nice and very de-stressing for everyone!

No need for apologies, you can post as much as you want, we're here to listen and care, even as you have demonstrated to us.  

[Agemgem]

Yes, having them around really de-stresses every one. If my day is lonely or heavy for some reason, I will just hug and play with her and my mood lightens up right way. Sometimes I would think, maybe the reason why dogs have short life span is because they shoulder our stress, anxiety, etc so maybe it’s the price we have to pay for receiving their unconditional love. I know @Marty mentioned something like pain is the price we have to pay for love, or something to that effect.  Do we have to pay because we love them? Or because they love us? Or maybe it applies both ways? 🤔

[MartyT]

It's not so much that love is the price we pay. Rather, the pain of loss is the measure of our love. The more attached we are to those we've lost, the greater the pain in losing them. But love is stronger than death. Love does not die, and the bond we have with our beloved remains even after death. It is the pain we learn to let go of ~ not the love. ❤️

[kayc]

Yesterday I took my Christmas tree & decorations down and put them away.  Was never hard in the past but this year my hands hurt so bad and the surgical wound on my right hand is still in a lot of pain and swelling.  It swelled up so bad last night and my whole hand/wrist just in severe pain.  Kodie laid on the couch with me and looked at me with such love and adoration and proceeded to lick my hand/wrist where it's hurting, very thoroughly.  It actually felt a little better afterwards!  I've never had a dog quite so intuitive responsive to my pain before.  Makes all his digging & pulling seem unimportant.

My point is, THIS is the love they bring to us!  This is what makes it so worthwhile.  And when they're gone, we hurt to that degree, missing them so much.  But no way would I opt NOT to have had them in my life, nor my husband either (I lost him 15 1/2 years ago...I've learned to live with it but I still love and miss him, just like I do Arlie now.

[Agemgem]

Well I also believe that every thing is worth it, it's just that I feel like I'm bombarded with questions and thoughts, and honestly sometimes I'm no longer sure if I'm just overthinking.  One question leads to another and another, and it's just so hard. I've found a link suggested by Marty and watched a video in TED talk. I remembered a line -- we don't move on from grief, we move forward with it. And that video somehow gave me hope and makes me understand grief more. 
By the way, please take good care of your hands, it's difficult to go to clinics/hospital right now because of covid.  Praying for your fast healing. 

[kayc]

I'm not going to the doctor any more over this hand, they haven't helped me thus far and have given me bum information.  I think it's just going to take much time to heal.  My son's nerves in his thumb took seven years for the nerve to repair and feeling to come back, it takes what it takes.  On magnesium to help it, still doing epsom salt soaks too.  It's hard when you live alone and no one to help you.

I agree with that line (Ted talk), this will always be with us, and so will our love and missing them.  It's up to us to learn to cope with it, and that's a long process so we need to be patient with ourselves.

 

[Agemgem]

Since the day she left, I hardly slept at night. I would sleep only for 4 hours and I would have vivid dreams, I don't know why. I feel so restless.

The first few days since she left in 12/28, I would always check my phone for her pictures and videos.  I would scroll her photos the whole day, and even browsed back to her first photo in 2013.  She got lots of photos during Christmas day-- she's so happy, she wore a Santa hat in the morning then a reindeer headband in the evening. Now, I cannot look at them, not even a single photo, because it's so painful I can feel my heart breaking into pieces.  

[kayc]

You might want to talk to your doctor about the sleep, I've had problems off & on since losing my husband, stress does that to us.  After years of struggling to get sleep, I finally accepted a sleep aid that has improved how much I get, not every night, but most.  It's worth it to me as it affects my diabetes and brain.

I'm sorry, I hate that others are going through this pain as well.  It can change from time to time as to what brings us comfort, and what causes us pain, I've seen that with the pictures and mementos.  Some things I display, but other things pain me to look at, doesn't make sense, doesn't have to.  Go with whatever brings you comfort.

[Agemgem]

On 1/9/2021 at 10:42 PM, kayc said:

  Some things I display, but other things pain me to look at, doesn't make sense, doesn't have to.

I have her urn in my room and displayed her 2 favorite toys and her scarves. It's 2 weeks today. I woke up with fear again of facing this day. What happened that fateful day keeps lingering in my mind everytime a week goes by.  I know that life is not fair but I didn't know that life is cruel. 

Years ago, I had a rescue dog named Max, and he died of old age. Although we cannot really prepare for death, days before he passed away, at the back of my mind I got the idea that it's nearing because he showed it. I was able to tell him that even if it pained me I'll understand if he'd like to go. I'm not that prepared, but I already had a bit of courage to accept what ever happened back then.  I cried tons of tears as well, but somehow I understood. 

With Gem's loss, I felt cheated-- by time, by universe, I'm not sure. She was taken away from me so suddenly, no time to think what to do, no time to say good bye, no time for every thing. She's the perfect dog for me, I'm so upset why this has to happen to us. 

[kayc]

I feel as you do in the loss of my last dog, Arlie, I always called him my soulmate in a dog, he too was the perfect dog for me.  My son brought me a puppy a few months later, Kodie, and some things about Arlie I will forever miss as Kodie is not the same as him, but I have discovered unique things about him that are special as well, they're all unique.  I will forever love and miss my Arlie though and can't wait for heaven to see him again!  I'm 68 so hope when Kodie goes, I can too, soon after. 

 

[Agemgem]

I also want to believe that we'll be with them again once our time on earth is up. I just wish they live just as long as we live so that we don't have to experience all the sadness and grief we're going through right now. I still haven't washed her scarves, still has her smell on them. But of course I'm planning to wash them eventually (when I'm ready) and maybe tie at least one on my bag, so it's like she's still keeping me company. I miss her terribly. 

[kayc]

That sounds like a great idea!  Yes, like keeping her with you. 

[Bene]

Hi  briefly, as I am still overwhelmed myself - but this is exactly how i am feeling.

[Agemgem]

2 hours ago, Bene said:

am still overwhelmed myself - but this is exactly how i am feeling.

Hi bene, sorry to hear that you're also going through this grief right now. It's been almost 3weeks for me but it's still overwhelming. I'm trying to get busy just to get through the day, but there's not a day that I would not cry especially at night when I go to bed and in the morning when I wake up. There are days when I just can't help myself but to sulk and be unproductive. As what I've read through their advices and articles, they said we really need to take our time. This website is a blessing for all of us and I'm grateful, all of the people here understands our grief and they are always ready to listen and help us. Hope we all find peace and acceptance. 

[kayc]

3 hours ago, Bene said:

Hi  briefly, as I am still overwhelmed myself - but this is exactly how i am feeling.

I am so sorry for your loss as well.  As Agemgem said, it helps to come here and read/post, we want to be here for you.  One of the hardest things we can go through in my estimation.

[Coco Forever]

We never get over grief but we learn to live with it.8 months since my Coco passed but without sounding like a parrot every time I post but for me personally the grief is still so intense day after day.I come in and he’s not waiting for me at the door,I long to hear his feet on the wooden floor,I miss his yelping while he’s dreaming,I miss him waking me up wanting his breakfast then his daily walk,I miss drying him down when we’ve both got soaking wet but most of all I miss his cuddles and the undying love that he had for me and I had for him.Love and good health to you all❤️
 

Frankie

[kayc]

I hear you.  It's not as bad for me as the very beginning (it's been 1 1/2 years) but I DO love and miss him each and every day!  He is in my thoughts a lot.  Getting Kodie helped in that he keeps me company but as we all know, animals don't replace another, they create their own spot in your heart, they are so uniquely different!  I love the things Kodie brings to the table, but I'm afraid they broke the mold on Arlie, I will never have a dog like him again with his advanced communication (Husky talk), gentleness, goofiness, devotion, amazing watchdog, loyal, so careful not to pull on me (didn't come that way!), so smart!  Kodie is smart, devoted, loyal, but at his size could not protect me, he doesn't possess some of Arlie's qualities but has some of his own.  I'm thankful I had him this year, this isolation is horrible!  My Kodie loves to cuddle and give kisses and is very smart but also extremely strong willed.  He'll get there, just may take way longer than it did with Arlie.

My heart goes out to you, it's hard seeing the places where Arlie used to lay, and I LOVED walking him!  He was my companion, my best friend, my soulmate in a dog.  It's very hard to live with their absence, even when we believe we'll be together again and have that hope, it's a darn hard wait!

[Agemgem]

3weeks today. I woke up again with a heavy heart. I'm longing for her so much, I closed my eyes and tried to listen to the sound of her toes on the floor.  On her last birthday, Nov 2020, we did a photo shoot and she wore a flower crown.  I was her glam team.  We sang happy birthday and I helped her blew her cake, but my sister forgot to take a video of our singing. Now I regret we weren't able to capture it. I may have replayed it a million times. 

Yesterday, I bought her a flower and I put it in a vase beside her urn. Oh how I wish I can still put a flower crown on your head. 

Mondays are the hardest.  It's like I'm back to square one. 

[kayc]

I'm sorry, I know it's hard.  In the beginning the memories can cause intense pain, but later on as our pain diminishes a bit they can bring a smile.  I kind of get a mixture of pain & smiles at memories now, I still feel that pulling on my heart...I'm hoping the rest of today isn't as hard for you.