Back to work after 6 months...

[Missy1965]

And oh my gosh...Tuesday I felt like I ran into a brick wall face first. It hit me really hard that Brian won't be waiting for me when I get home everyday, we won't be spending time together in the mornings or evenings, I can't call him or text him during the day and vice versa, I can't call him to let him know I'm on my way home. So many things hit me all at once and I lost it. I feel like I have started back at day one when the nightmare began, and to compound all of that, I have PTS from before and during his hospital stay and last days, and I am a mess. I was getting better at coping and coming to grips with it all, but when I started back to work, it all came flooding back in on me. 

I haven't worked since before he passed away 6 months ago and I still had him in my life. What is going on? I cry at work, I cry all the way home, I cry myself to sleep. I was getting better but now? Not so much. If I don't get a grip, I'm scared I will lose my job and I can't afford that. 

[nashreed]

I'm so proud of you for making it back to work. I wish I could say it will get easier. I know that I haven't worked since Annette left. I have panic disorder and agoraphobia and I worked part time because she couldn't. The only thing that got me through the day was having my phone buzzing every hour, letting me know I had a message to look forward to. It also let me know she was okay. A few times I couldn't get a hold of her (because her phone was charging or something banal) and I raced home on my lunch to make sure she was all right.

I promise, Brian is with you. He's watching over you and even though you can't see him, he's there. I feel very alone, not having someone who needs me, not having a purpose... But you know, you have a rare commodity these days... A job! You are needed. You have a purpose. You have an angel that loves you still and you have a family and friends here too. If I had the opportunity, I would work again because I would want Annette to see how strong I am. Brian wants what's best for you. It doesn't seem like it necessarily, but work is a blessing, something to focus on to make the day go by. You can do this. We're rooting for you.

[Missy1965]

Thank you James. I know I'll cry all the way home and when I get home. Life doesn't feel "normal" without him. I feel so helpless because I can't touch him or see him. I was getting better but now I've gone completely backwards. All the progress I made...gone. I miss my best friend 😢

[nashreed]

I know what it's like. I miss my best friend, and I feel like I'm forgetting our life together. Everything is so different now. But, I know in my heart that she's watching over me. I want to crawl under my house and die, but I can't let her down. Even if it's just maybe helping someone with a little encouragement- it's better than totally feeling sorry for myself. I don't think anybody's life is normal. Small consolation, I know. I don't think your progress is lost, it's just been taken slightly off track. I can be a cheerleader- I wish there was something else to help you through the day. Just think of what Brian would say as encouragement. I can think of what Annette will say in response to something we would always say to each other, our banter. That helps me.

[Gwenivere]

Missy, you getting hit with the triggers of re entering the life you had WITH Brian.  We’ve all been there in different ways.  I didn’t go back to a paying job, but my volunteering was changed as I couldn’t tell him about it.  I also couldn’t hear about his day.  I didn’t like coming home to an empty dark house.  Wasn’t in the plans to make dinner for us anymore.  Our TV time was gone.  It’s so hard to be around people carrying on their lives unaffected by a life altering event.  I’m sorry it’s so hard.  But it’s so understandable too.  The tears are normal as you now face another challenge without hm.  I don’t think I ever cried more than the first few years without Steve than I did in my 59 before that.  Pounded on the walls, screamed, exhausted myself so much I could hardly breathe.  I wish I knew more to say than I’m so sorry you are being slammed with the outside.   I don’t know if it good or bad as we are all so different when it comes to facing next steps.  Add in the pressure of losing your job and you have every right to cry all you need to.  💔

[joe57]

From “Heartbroken” by Gary Roe

Most of us who are grieving need reassurance. Perhaps you do too. While grieving you need to know that:

You’re not alone. 
You’re not crazy. 
You’re going to be ok 

Emotions will come. As they do, acknowledge and feel them. 
Don’t get in a hurry. Take your time. 
Be nice to yourself. 
Remember to breathe. 
 

Hugs. 

 

[kayc]

Missy, I went back to work at two weeks because I couldn't afford not to, my job would have been gone if I had not as they counted on me, I did everything there.  I went through everything you describe, some was because he'd just died, but some, like you say, is hitting because of how your routine with him is gone now.  I too cried to/from work, had episodes at work where I'd have to go to the bathroom and cry, was hit when I'd come home and his break time would roll around with no phone call, the weekends were the worst, starting Friday night as that would begin "our time" together and now I was alone.  I hope and pray you do not lose your job.  Can you talk to your boss and tell them how much your job means to you and how grateful you are to have it, that you're trying to adjust to these new triggers and they will lessen?  If you have a hard time focusing, maybe have someone check your work for a while?  I did that.  I know some places are more supportive than others.  I lost my job a few months after he died because of the recession hitting, it went out of business, and looking for work was way worse, the pressure off the charts!  Got a new job with only two weeks to spare!  Only gave six months unemployment in those days, no increase because of Covid, plus I was facing age discrimination for the first time in my life! 
Keeping you in my prayers!

[Gwenivere]

Excellent advice Kay.  It might make all the difference, Missy, if your boss listens to you about how hard this is, how you want to be as efficient as you were, but it might take some time and having someone 'check' your work (if needed).  I don’t know what you do, but I’m hoping you have a compassionate supervisor.  He/she may know of your loss, but not get how impactful this is. I have the opposite problem. Tho I volunteered, having that  shut down from the virus gives me too much time alone.  Apples and oranges these walls of grief.   I just wish you didn’t have the added pressure so soon.  

[Missy1965]

I do have a coworker checking my work. It just worries me that someone will see tears rolling down my face while I work and tell my supervisor I can't function. I walk outside and take a short break when a bigger wave hits, but I've been stabbed in the back in the past by a coworker who I considered my best friend. I ended up losing my job of 4 years due to lies she told on me. 

My supervisor is very sympathetic. Her best friend's fiance' was killed a couple of weeks ago so she knows from that experience with her friend, what I am going through.

I know this is going to take time. One of my office mates son was killed 9 years ago, so she is sympathetic as well. She said don't worry about crying when I need to, and that I will adjust in time. Just do my job, and don't let the grief consume me at work to the point of being terminated. There is already a huge turnover in that office and that is not a good thing. 

Btw, I'm a Medicare/Medicaid reimbursement nurse.

[kayc]

Missy, you've been given good advice by your coworkers, and I am praying you do NOT lose your job!  I broke down at work when George died, also on the shuttle back to work from my auto repair, at the grocery store, you name it!  It takes a while to get a handle on this, our worlds turned upside down!