Jump to content
Grief Healing Discussion Groups

Recommended Posts

I hop in the car, and I go for a ride

Nowhere to go, just wanting to hide

From the pain that I feel (feels like death)

So what am I doing? I’m looking for Beth.

 

And wherever I go, there she ain’t

Where I am, there is the pain

My heart is broken, I can’t catch my breath

The rest of my life I’ll be looking for Beth

 

I know that here on this terrestrial ball

When looking for Beth and I give a call

No answer will come, it just cannot be

I’m bound by time, she’s in eternity

 

“Be joyful for me, I’m with our dear Lord

Keep close to him and you can look for’ard

To the time of reunion. So don’t look for me here

I’m where I should be so don’t shed a tear.”

 

“I can’t let you go, my dear precious queen

I’m not where you are, my eyes have not seen

It still pains me so, I can’t catch my breath

I’ll be looking for you, my dear precious Beth.”

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites

That is so beautiful!  You wrote that?  Amazing!  I love it. :wub:  So neat that you can express your feelings so well.  What a tribute to her!

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I wrote that 4 a.m. this past Christmas morning, when I couldn't sleep. I woke up and it just kinda came to me.  Glad you enjoyed it. I pray that it will help those who have experience/are experiencing this pain of losing your precious love.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

I have saved it, entitled "My dear precious Beth" with your permission, I'd like to share it sometime.  Credits to you!

Link to post
Share on other sites

I love how you speak of her and the beautiful picture you've shared of her here!  She sounds like someone worth knowing, like all the spouses represented here!

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

You could have talked to her for 10 minutes and would have fallen in love with her! I received a sympathy card from a cousin and his wife today. Part of it read "She was such a joy to be around. Always so bubbly and great stories to tell."  And they only met her a few times! (Of course, these words bring tears, but seems just about every remembrance does yet.) Very special, very awesome gal who chose to hang around me which is very humbling. But I'm sure we all feel that way about those we have loved and lost. That reminds me of something I heard/read: Better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. Peace. Joe

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

I’m glad you have those memories and others do too.  We really need that in the initial shock phase.  Sometimes the never having loved at all tempts me because of the pain now, but I think of the decades we spent experiencing this world together.  Highs and lows, but together.  How many things I would have missed without him.  

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
10 hours ago, joe57 said:

Better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.

I definitely am grateful to have known George and shared this wonderful love with him.  I wish it could have been much longer, I wish we could have grown old together.  No one ever loved me like he did and that it was reciprocal was the only time in my life that I had this, at least I knew and experienced love and true caring.  We were each other's everything.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
15 hours ago, kayc said:

I definitely am grateful to have known George and shared this wonderful love with him.  I wish it could have been much longer, I wish we could have grown old together.  No one ever loved me like he did and that it was reciprocal was the only time in my life that I had this, at least I knew and experienced love and true caring.  We were each other's everything.

I feel the same. I've had the same experience. And I hope it's written in Heaven. 

I met a friend and I discussed about my "career prospects". Fine. Then I got home and no future was waiting for me. I felt I had faked something, that I was selling someone who doesn't exist. My career didn't feel that important, more an invention in my brain to keep me busy. 

I count my blessings. But I have no answer: what is a life without the love of your life? 

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, scba said:

I count my blessings. But I have no answer: what is a life without the love of your life? 

Maybe because I am older I’m running out of blessings to count.  That’s not something I ever expected.  But as life becomes more finite and with less refills, it’s a kinda dark, sad and scary place to be.  To the world I do have much to be grateful for.  I am for food and shelter.  But without him, our life that I knew for almost 4 decades, this trying to start over again when life is becoming more loss on every front, that’s not really a feasible goal.  I think about us facing these losses to time and mortality together and see that holding his hand would be so comforting.  That no matter what, we’d always have one thing we could count on.  But that was taken from me.  I never feel safe.  Content.  Relaxed.  I rarely laugh or smile for real.  I escape in sleep and curse waking up to this day after day.  I envy those relishing life at any age because they can.  I’ve tried for years to find some solace.  I had the great fortune of our last dog to keep me aware of all we had thru memories by just looking at her face and how she acted from us being a full family.  Him, our other dog we lost mere months before him, her and me.  Then she was taken from me to.  I have Melody and if he had stayed we’d still be a family.  She and I are, but it’s not complete, it never will be.  I know it was a rhetorical question, but I don’t feel 'life' as I’ve known it without him.  I never will.  It’s the hardest acceptance I’ll ever face.

As I type this we are having a storm so the DVR keeps resetting so no TV til the power bumps stop.  I’m hoping not to lose power as my candles in the fireplace are all water logged from the winds blowing rain down the chimney.  They normally illuminate he living room if needed.  I’ve lit other candles around the house just in case.  Mel is shaking from various beeping and I’m scared too.  Getting plunged into darkness would be another step into that loneliness and depression pit. Way back when Steve would be at the ready with the generator.  An adventure to get thru.  Pour some wine and pass the time together.  These times alone are not the memories I wanted to experience to look back on.  My rhetorical question....how do we stop this pile up of (bad) experiences we’ll never get to share with anyone that cares?  I’m tired of him existing in the past tense.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Gwenivere-your sadness comes through this post. I feel for you. Hugs.

"But as life becomes more finite and with less refills..." I like how you expressed this, thank you. God has our days numbered, that is true. But then, if we know Jesus as our Savior, we will be spending eternity with Him and loved ones, where, as the song says "When we've been there 10,000 years, bright shining as the sun, we've no less days to sing God's praise than when we'd first begun." Beth and I had talked about death after her dad passed, then she lost a close uncle, then a brother. I was close to them also, and I said what I miss about it all is the consistency of life. I want life just to go on as it has, with all the people I love and know, that they will be there, we can make plans, we can visit, etc. And I greatly miss that with Beth not being here, too, now. But I'm trying to look at it from where she is at now. I think eternity will be consistent because God is faithful and cannot change. I think every day will be a new day to learn, grow, be with our loved ones, a day to explore and be happy. (Although I'm not sure what "day" will be like, it's more like the eternal "now".)

"It’s the hardest acceptance I’ll ever face" So true. My mind says Beth is gone, but my heart is kicking, screaming, rebelling at the thought. That greatest expanse in my universe is that 18" from my head to my heart, but I'm trying to get there. I'm trying to draw closer to God through this, to help me get to the point of acceptance, but also to re-focus on him being who he is, and to glory in that, and to be comforted by that.

"An adventure to get thru" Thank you for that. Sometimes when Beth and I would get in the car to head towards (many times) another surgery and hospital stay, I'd say "Off on an adventure." Not exactly what we were looking for in life, but trying to lighten it some for both of us. She was light-hearted and would make a comment, and I miss that I can't hear a response from her now, that seat is so-o-o empty.

Anyway, I appreciate how you write, and how it makes me reflect on my queen and I and what we have/had. I'm so grateful for the time we did have. Hugs, again, and peace.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites

We had power outages all over the state last night, I got woke up at 2 am with it coming back on.  don't know how long it was out.

Gwen, I do understand what you mean, it's like life went from living color to black and white, greys.  We get by, we survive as best as we can, we handle the decision making on our own, but their spark is gone, the energy of connecting with them, they brought zest into our lives, love, and caring...and it's been so long since I've felt that...

  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites

It's the feeling of somebody needing me that I truly miss. I don't really think anybody would care if I went to be with Annette. That's how I feel. It's hard when my family really doesn't seem to care about my opinion- they just like to hear themselves talk. They're not bad people, but they're selfish. Annette was so not selfish. She genuinely cared about others, especially me, and truly cared. Even her family called her to complain about their lives and not ask about hers, because she was a good listener. Very rare quality. 

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
On 1/13/2021 at 9:02 AM, kayc said:

I do understand what you mean, it's like life went from living color to black and white, greys.  We get by, we survive as best as we can, we handle the decision making on our own, but their spark is gone, the energy of connecting with them, they brought zest into our lives, love, and caring...and it's been so long since I've felt that...

I know it’s been a good year plus since I felt any importance in this world.  When I couldn’t volunteer anymore and my body began the rapid deterioration, I started fading away.  Then came covid.  Losing Ally.  My foundation is rocky to start with about losing Steve.  I noticed a picture of us at about 25 last night.  That great couple with a lifetime ahead of them.  Walked into the bathroom and saw me now.  Said to Steve.....I’m not that girl anymore.  Your leaving and age have about sapped me dry.  Yes, I’d have to say there really isn’t any color in my heart anymore.  It’s dry, dusty, unattended to.  It receives and can give nothing anymore.  Not in that way.  I want to feel the blood of love pulsing thru me.  Now its just a medical indicator I’m alive. I’m up for another day again wondering why.  Found more possible problems with docs and insurance.  Can’t hardly walk.  Same old stuff.  There won't be any chats with Steve about anything.  Dinner will come from the microwave.  I’ll cry thru counseling.  Oh great, the mail just got here with a large bill from March of last year and 2 denials of my current meds.  Yet I see mail order is filling them but one is generic instead of brand.  This is what life has become.  Battles.  Used to be engagement and purpose.  Meals, shopping, laughing, dog walks, someone who loved me and could physically and vocally express it.  Nw it’s a headset glued to me with strangers and rules.  As I’ve felt for a long time, this isn’t living, this is existing.  Even a plant seems to have more meaning than I do anymore.  

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites

I understand, Gwen. I know exactly the feeling. If it means anything at all, just your connection is comforting, knowing there's someone out there in this country, in this world, that knows what it's like- somebody who's nice, who I can think about and hope is ok, because without Annette I don't have many people I know. With Annette, I didn't need anybody else, but now I'm so, so lonely.  I can look out this window at this view of virtually nothing (I mostly see a white trashy mobile home next door, with a hummingbird feeder and bell bird feeder (Yay for birds!) and then just a small section of blue sky and a couple of trees) and think and hope that you're doing ok. All these people who I don't know, will never know, people I don't want to know... it's helpful to know there's a soul who typed the above message who I can send positive thoughts to, just to make life less miserable and lonely. My Mom watches Entertainment Tonight and they talk about the love lives of the stupid rich entitled celebrities and who cares...They could be fictional people for all I know. But I know you're a real person, who I can relate to, who doesn't deserve what's happened. I care about you and just want you to be ok. I have to focus my empathy to somebody, because I can feel my heart grow cold and dead. You still have worth and life isn't fair. Just don't fade away- we have to be strong for each other here. These internet cables and wires lead to real people and people need people- for better or worse. You have to be ok with who you are now- don't hate yourself. Just keep the connection alive. We all need each other here to survive.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites

It does help to be here, with others that get it.  To come home and read the above was heartwarming, so thank you both.  Yah, I don’t  care about celebrities.  I have come to care about everyone here, my virtual home I can be the real me with the real 'yous'. I had asked my counselor if I was maybe spending too much time/energy in this and she said it is filling a need you have no one else can.  I know more about some of you long timers than I do about acquaintances I’ve had known for years.  What a gift that is in what could be a very barren landscape and the new people add to more understanding both ways.  As James said, it’s helpful to know we aren’t alone.  Just sad that any of us are.  

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites

Gwen, you DO have purpose, HERE!  I, for one, appreciate you!  And you too, Nash!  We have our own little support group right here, not only for loss of spouse, but with our daily lives/struggles.  We CARE about each other!  And it's not like our everyday stuff isn't connected to our loss/grief because we all know how different it would be if THEY were still here!

Gwen, I'm sorry you have another day ahead of you of struggle to sort things out...I hate stuff like that and unfortunately, that seems to be our world, now.  Peggy and I were just talking about that last night.  :(

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks Kay. My life is so very different- I'm really nothing like I was. Sometimes I think that in a parallel universe or somewhere in Tulsa, we're still in our little house, enjoying our little life, cooking in the kitchen of love, enjoying just being together. It's so empty without her. 

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

My parallel universe is in my home now.  Often those worlds collide.  I liken it to the clouds that have to merge to create thunder.  Today I’m having my housekeeper move dishes around because a) I don’t use all of them anymore and b) I can’t reach them without massive pain so I had to decide what’s needed for me solo.  The kitchen often becomes the heart of a house for sharing.  Nourishment of the body and soul.  It was in ours twice a day.  Now it’s just.......a kitchen.  Most of the same stuff, but it doesn’t feel warm.  The only real sign left of him is his The Dude coffee mug.  Same with our bedroom and all other rooms.  I want it to change but I don’t.  Either way the results are the same.  Empty.  

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

In my ever futile attempt to keep Annette present and alive in my world, I would like to think that it would be so much easier if I could have stayed in our house, but I had no choice, I had to move because I couldn't afford it (it was just a rental). I actually miss a city that I used to despise, always pining for the past and my hometown. Now my hometown is a ghetto with homeless people everywhere and grafitti and boarded up businesses. I miss our house where it looked so very wood paneled and 70's, with hardwood floors so that her wheelchair could roll around. Her hospital bed in the living room, but it was ok- it was just the two of us. I so miss the Cardinals that we fed with a feeder that was attached to our kitchen window, so they could stop by and say hello. We had to be careful and not spook them when we were seen. Sometimes the male would feed his mate, and it was us!- she always compared us to the Cardinal couple. She thought she was plain and dull like the lady, though that was so far from the truth. I was the her strong, red male- chasing away the dirty little brown birds when he was eating. We had bunnies and squirrels and all sorts of critters wandering through and saying "hi". I sometimes see little lizards here. It's just sad. Now I pine for the life that we shared and all the things that made her my Princess. It's really a cruel irony. 

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...