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My first birthday in three years without my sweetheart...


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And it's just not the same. I have a lot to be thankful for, but this is not a happy birthday. To top it off, next Tuesday would've been our 4th anniversary. I'm not trying to be ungrateful for all I'm blessed with. I'm just extra heart broken today and the tears will not stop. 

 

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Went through my birthday and hers in December. It is very sad. I hate that I have to not think of her too much just to get through the day. I have to try to be distracted. I know you have a lot to be thankful for, it's just finding it. We have to be strong for our lost loves. I just don't want to give up and let the grief win. Annette watches over me and doesn't want me to be sad. I don't want her to worry about me. 

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The tears just won't stop. It doesn't matter how much I'm distracted. My mind is constantly on him. Even working. I can't even begin to describe how much I miss him. He truly was my best friend. I don't know how much longer I will cry and be miserable every single day and night. I just want my life back. I want to smile and be happy again. Right now it doesn't seem possible. I had this thought in my head that surely at 6 months, I would be coping better. 

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At almost 8 months, I can distract myself and "act normal" with my Mom and brother, but I still think about her all the time. I just have to just accept that my life is very, very different. I just feel so un-needed, so unloved. My family is very unemotional, so I can just exist in their world, while being disconnected. I can't cry- I just have reverted back to the way my family is.  I miss her so much, but that life is gone. I can remember our life and know that I had a love that was so amazing, and I was so lucky. I just have to remember that not everybody finds their soul mate. You were lucky too. 

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Unfortunately for many of us, Missy, it is right around the 6-months mark that the initial shock of loss has lifted, the imaginary cushion of disbelief is completely gone, and you are hit with the full force of your grief. You've begun to recognize that yes, your person is really and truly gone and is never, ever coming back. It hits you smack in the face, it can feel as if you've been hit by a tsunami, and as the waves come crashing down, you're convinced that you will drown. You must remember to breathe. To slow down. Don't panic. Take each wave as it comes and let it wash over you, knowing that you can float until you feel strong enough to swim. You've made it this far, you do know how to swim, and trust that you will survive. ❤️

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Missy, I experienced my first birthday without him just a few months after he died...later than month was our fourth anniversary.  I was ill equipped to know how to handle it.  George always made a big deal of my birthday, he loved special days and had so much zest for life!  That he was missing was palpable.  No one remembered my birthday that year.  I cried myself to sleep.  Not because birthdays meant so much but because his absence on it was so apparent.  To go from one extreme to the other...the pain was excruciating.

I am sorry.  (((hugs)))

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No, it doesn’t change he is gone.  But it does help your mind, soul and heart get out that pain that is so heavy to carry.  We’ve all been there.  Some have tried to outrun it and have it hit them worse.  Some don’t cry and think there is something wrong, but there’s not.  And others do as you which is also normal.  So many personal ways to react.  What would you do if you didn’t cry and could you even do that?

its barely been 6 months.  It feels like forever, but it’s still so fresh and raw.  Allow yourself to accept that and your right and need to grieve.  . 

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There's no way I can't cry. Reality is sinking in and it feels like I'm starting all over from the day he went into the hospital, then passed away a week later. I find myself reliving those days and it's so hard.

Some people say it's "not normal" to still be crying everyday. They say I should be "moving forward with life" and tuck him away in my heart. What they don't understand is that he was the center of my world and my best friend. His absence has hit me very hard. I cry now as I type this out. I miss him so very much and I need time. 

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I really wonder if there's something wrong with me, as I just can't cry (well, I know I have a lot of mental issues- but...). I was brought up in an unemotional household, but I'd like to think that I had normal emotions as a child. I cried a few times in massive shock and grief when it first happened, but then I kind of went numb, and now (living with my family) it's easy to just suppress my emotions. I try to tell her (I talk to her every morning) that I love her, and just because I'm not crying, it doesn't mean I miss her terribly. 

Unfortunately, all we have is time. I don't see myself moving forward. My life ended when hers did. I'm just existing, trying to fill the time until I can be with her. i understand, and I wish I had encouragement for you. Some days I just don't have anything positive to offer. 

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1 hour ago, Missy1965 said:

Some people say it's "not normal" to still be crying everyday. They say I should be "moving forward with life" and tuck him away in my heart.

Let's have these "some people" experience a loss like yours and like everyone else's here, and report back to you at 6 months whether they think it's time they should be "moving on."  🙄  The nerve of some people.

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Missy, there is no "normal" in grief. No one walks in your shoes except you and no one has the right to judge your feelings. My husband and daughter have been gone for nearly 8 years and 7 years, respectively. I don't cry every day, but still have moments of unbearable sadness. They remain in my thoughts and heart every day and always will. Time does take the edge off, but does not obliterate the grief.

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4 hours ago, Missy1965 said:

Some people say it's "not normal" to still be crying everyday. They say I should be "moving forward with life" and tuck him away in my heart.

Well, 'some people' don’t have a clue.  And who makes them qualified to judge what is normal or not?  Tuck him away?  Seriously?  Being further along and now familiar with anger, I’d have some biting retorts.  Have used them at times when someone has dared question MY grief.  It’s always people that haven’t experienced it.  Always.  

 

3 hours ago, Kieron said:

Let's have these "some people" experience a loss like yours and like everyone else's here, and report back to you at 6 months whether they think it's time they should be "moving on."  🙄  The nerve of some people.

You summed it up perfectly.  Beat me to the punch and written more succinctly.  It’s not just nerve, it’s rude too.  I’m sure Missy didn’t solicit this.  Why why why people try and fix us I’ll never get.  You had to be broken to understand.  I don’t  wish it on them, but know someday they’ll perhaps find out and see the nonsense of such thinking.  Hopefully they will have support and not run into their former selves.  

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19 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

it does help your mind, soul and heart get out that pain that is so heavy to carry.

I agree.  We all hate that early grief, nothing fun/good about it, but I hope you can see that it does evolve into something we can better carry with us later on as we process our grief.  It doesn't seem real or possible, but honestly, the beginning was truly horrific to me!  I am living all these years later but other things have affected HOW my life has gone, combine health/Covid isolation/getting older/missing the one I wish was still here AND my Arlie dog, all combine to make this not as smooth a journey for the time being as in some times in the past or as others are doing...but I'm afraid the Covid thing has affected everyone world wide.

16 hours ago, Missy1965 said:

Some people say it's "not normal" to still be crying everyday. They say I should be "moving forward with life" and tuck him away in my heart.

Oh my gosh, it makes me want to scream at them!  Seriously it causes a totally emotional reaction in me!  I at least want to shake their pea brains and TELL them what loss/grief is REALLY like and JUST WAIT UNTIL IT HAPPENS TO THEM!!!  I despise how ignorant our society is about grief!  You are right where you can be expected to be!  THEY are the ones that are sickeningly amiss in their response!  We've all been there with people like that. :angry:  (They need to make an emoticon that has an angrier looking face, maybe orange at least!)
 

 

15 hours ago, nashreed said:

I really wonder if there's something wrong with me, as I just can't cry

No, there is nothing wrong with you.  I have a dear friend who lost her husband several years ago and she still has not cried.  The only thing wrong is when someone wants to cry but is holding it IN, THAT is not healthy!  But there are a lot of people who do not cry, it'd be nice to have that emotional release, but they don't.  That does NOT make them abnormal!  

15 hours ago, Kieron said:

Let's have these "some people" experience a loss like yours and like everyone else's here, and report back to you at 6 months whether they think it's time they should be "moving on."  🙄  The nerve of some people.

Such a kind way of putting it!

15 hours ago, KarenK said:

Time does take the edge off, but does not obliterate the grief.

Yes.

 

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Thank you all so much for your kindness and support. The last two days haven't been quite as bad, but I still cry. I have thought many times about just giving up, going through the motions and "existing" until it's my turn to join him, but he truly loved me so much and did so much for me, I feel like if I was to just give up and exist, all that love and all that care he poured out on me every single day would be wasted, and it wouldn't be the way to honor him. He spoiled me rotten and he made friends everywhere we went. How could I just give up, go through the motions of living, just getting by, knowing he would want me to live as fully as I can and be as happy as I can without him. Right now it doesn't seem possible to ever be that happy again, but for him, I will give it my best. I know that's what he would want. There are and will be bad days and worst days I know, but I have to try for him. I will ride the waves as they come, cry as much as I need to, grieve in my own way and time, and stop letting others put pressure on me as to how long I should grieve or not grieve. He is and always will be with me and in my heart. I'll never "move on", but I will do my best for him to "move forward", live, and hopefully someday, thrive again. 

 

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Beautifully said. I will have to remind myself of your post when I want to give up, Missy. There are ok days, bad days, very bad days... It's a process. I don't know how much time I have left until I can be with Annette, but I have to be here for a reason, even if right now that reason is to make sure my Mom is ok. I too, will look for something to be happy about. I can't see it happening, but I will try- it's all I can do. I just have to remember that I was so lucky to have met and have 30 years with my soul mate. So many never find theirs, never have complete total love that I did. 

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Thank you James. I only had 3 & 1/2 years with Brian, but we truly loved each other unconditionally. He often said I made him happier than he had ever been, so I want to do my best to make sure his love and happiness weren't wasted. It's very hard right now to smile or laugh. In fact, I cry as I type, but he loved me so very much, and I him, so I want to try my best to honor him the best way I know how, and that is to live and make him proud. We had many plans together, but God had different plans and called him home. I don't know the purpose for the pain, but I trust there IS one. In the meantime, I conrinue to grieve and love him deeply as I wait on God to reveal His plan for me or call me Home. Whichever comes first. 

There's something about this time of day that the tears start flowing, and "he should be with me" and "this isn't fair" and "this is not how it was supposed to end" starts going through my head. I've often said God made a mistake, but deep down I know better. He sees what we don't and is sovereign and merciful. This is the hardest thing I have ever been through. It's going to take a lot of time. 

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7 hours ago, kayc said:

(They need to make an emoticon that has an angrier looking face, maybe orange at least!)

I think you want this one: 🤬

I believe it's a furious face that's swearing, with #@%! over its mouth.  😄

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21 hours ago, Missy1965 said:

Thank you all so much for your kindness and support. The last two days haven't been quite as bad, but I still cry. I have thought many times about just giving up, going through the motions and "existing" until it's my turn to join him, but he truly loved me so much and did so much for me, I feel like if I was to just give up and exist, all that love and all that care he poured out on me every single day would be wasted, and it wouldn't be the way to honor him. He spoiled me rotten and he made friends everywhere we went. How could I just give up, go through the motions of living, just getting by, knowing he would want me to live as fully as I can and be as happy as I can without him. Right now it doesn't seem possible to ever be that happy again, but for him, I will give it my best. I know that's what he would want. There are and will be bad days and worst days I know, but I have to try for him. I will ride the waves as they come, cry as much as I need to, grieve in my own way and time, and stop letting others put pressure on me as to how long I should grieve or not grieve. He is and always will be with me and in my heart. I'll never "move on", but I will do my best for him to "move forward", live, and hopefully someday, thrive again. 

 

Beautifully put!!!

Kieron, the emoticon didn't display here, not sure if others can see it.  I think I expressed my vehemence pretty strongly w/o swearing in my response with Missy, I can't believe the things people say, I'm so sorry she experienced that and wish I could have a word with them!!!  I feel protective of grievers, knowing all too well how it feels.

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There is just something about late afternoons the tears just start flowing and the memories flood in. I guess it's because of the realization that my routine has drastically changed, and I now have to adjust to a "new normal" without him. I don't like it one bit 😪

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I understand, Missy.  One of the phrases I’ve come to abhor thru all this also is 'new normal'.  It’s new, but it has never felt normal.  After all these years, I’m guessing it never will.  It’s just adjustment to something I have no control over.  Hits me about the same time too.  Late afternoons I dread so much.  There’s about 2 hours I can’t fill anymore from worldly restrictions now that pull me under.  I saw it at the nursing home with many people.  They call it 'sundowners effect' as the light fades into night. People cry and get confused more then.  I didn’t know how it felt until now. It makes sense tho, even to us without dementia.  We got thru a day without them, very aware of that and then face the night without them too.   None of any of the time is what it was.  I’ve tried lots of ways to fill it and only volunteering did, but that’s gone from the pandemic and my ability if it weren’t happening.  So it’s connection, I feel, we are deprived of.  Definitely our other half, but also people that can help fill the void even a little bit.  Posting, mail and phone are OK, but it’s not in the flesh.  It’s that transition tho, from dealing with the world to our once shared time with them that repeats daily and hurts every time.

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