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My first birthday in three years without my sweetheart...


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Afternoons do suck. I wake up very early and in the early morning I can clean and be productive. Something about the afternoons really do just zap my energy and forward momentum, to where I'm just useless.

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I keep reliving the last days and all it does is cause more pain. He fought so hard and he never got angry. He even made jokes, trying to cheer me up because that's how he was. He and I both had been given hope he would recover. Only when hospice was recommended the day before he passed did I realize he wasn't going to make it out of the hospital. I don't think he ever knew he wouldn't. My heart aches for what he went through. It was the hardest, most heart wrenching thing I've ever had to witness. 

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I analyzed and relived Annette's passing over and over. There's questions I won't ever know the answer to. I never expected that she would pass that night, but I knew deep down that she was not doing good, that her body was giving up on her. She never gave up, but the constant pain and her diminished kidney function. and her Diabetes... it was so much...it was too much. Annette may have known it was almost her time. She told me that she knew she wouldn't live a long life when we were going to marry. She wouldn't have been able to tell me because I would have freaked out, so I guess it's better I didn't know. I felt it though. Something told me to save her voicemails. You're never prepared, you never really think it's going to happen, but she just wasn't able to stay strong. Please don't relive it. Remember him the way he would want to be remembered. He was so strong, remember that strong man. His body failed, his strength and spirit never did. He didn't get angry because it has to have been part of God's plan. He knew and it was ok. He didn't want to leave you. I know you'll be reunited. It will be so amazing. All of this pain will be forgotten. 

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3 hours ago, Missy1965 said:

My heart aches for what he went through. It was the hardest, most heart wrenching thing I've ever had to witness. 

Same here.  I look back over 4+ years I watched, at first, minor changes and progressing into rapid decline.  It was only really bad with him mentally the last 4-5 months, but it was so intense it might as well been decades.  That time made the times he underwent chemo, radiation and surgeries look easy.  When I started losing his mind, that crushed me.  I was dealing with someone that didn’t live in this reality.  It intensified it for me.  I couldn’t talk to him about our fight anymore.  I was with him but alone.  It’s said not to relive it and I don’t much anymore.  Usually when something comes up here.  There are a couple things in the house that can trigger it too if I let it.  It took years to stomp down the images just as I am doing about losing one of our dogs.  It’s all part of the process.  It sucks too.  Time is the cure and the enemy.  Need it but it goes so slow.  Even tho it has been a long time I’m still not protected.  guess if there were anything I could say helped, it was that there was a lot of medical stuff in the house I could bag up and never have to see, use, clean up or work around again.  That was cathartic.  In my shock state I was even able to find a place to donate it all to.  Now?  I’d just trash it all.  I’m so very done with those kind of reminders.  As you said, Missy, it was the worst thing I ever witnessed and cruelly cannot be unseen.  

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