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I had to have my 16-year-old cat Max put to sleep yesterday morning and miss him so much.  I also feel very guilty that I was impatient with him at times when he meowed a lot and required so much care.

He had gastrointestinal lymphoma and bladder thickening and it was the bladder thickening that became worse in recent weeks and ended causing him a lot of pain.  He was on biweekly chemo pill, which I gave him at home and required other medications, as well as I.V. fluids several times weekly.  The pain and discomfort was pretty well controlled until a few weeks ago when it gradually kept getting worse.

I loved this cat so wanted to do this and take on the financial costs but then my other two cats and dog have have had problems and required a lot of home and vet care.

Of course none of this was Max's fault but I was exhausted, haven't slept well for a year, etc. 

He was a wonderful pet and I wish I could focus more on the good memories.

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I am so sorry for your loss.  When we are newly grieving we go through all of the regrets and what ifs in an effort to find a different possible outcome as this one is too hard to assimilate, it's a process that takes time to sink in, let alone begin to adjust to.  I don't know of many pet owners who would go through all that you did, incurring the expense and work to care for him, so try to be forgiving of yourself and patient/understanding with yourself as well...you deserve a medal not self berating. :wub:  My Arlie (dog) had lifelong Colitis, as did my son's dog that lived with me 1/2 the time.  I'd get up at 4 am to cook for him before starting my day, it'd take about an hour, he couldn't tolerate antibiotics and only one dog food but only half his food in that; as he was a big boy (110-140 lbs in adulthood) he consumed 4 cups/day, so half of that in cooked food.  Had him on probios and SAMe and Milk Thistle, as well as fish oil...he got cancer and his liver shut down.  One of the hardest things I've ever been through, then I lost 25 year old Kitty just a few months later.  :(

Right now is the shell-shock time, the recent memories of his illness are very prevalent in your mind, obscuring everything else, but the time will come when that will fade a bit and you will remember the good memories.  
http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf
https://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/08/pet-loss-when-guilt-overshadows-grief.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/07/pet-loss-when-guilt-goes-unresolved.html

I hope this brings you some comfort and peace:

 

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KayC,

I really appreciate your kind response.  It's very helpful too, incredibly so.  I intend to re-read it and checkout the links and video.

 

Thank you so much for taking the time.  And you certainly sound like a saint...a wonderful pet owner.  I'm very sorry for your loss, too.

 

Janice

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Janice, thank you, I do wish you peace and consolation going forward.  The good memories that bring you pain right now will bring you a smile someday.

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Thank you.  Now I'm feeling much worse again.

I was going through my history tab looking for some articles for my job and came across my e-mail to the vet about Max, as well as searches on his bladder thickening.

I go a little crazy when my pets are so sick and in his case, I knew he had gotten a lot worse but over the week before his death, kept giving him meds, fluids, etc. somehow thinking everything was the same and if I tended to him enough, he would be okay.  Because I had it in my mind he was okay, I think I got too impatient with him, yelling at him to be quiet when he meowed a lot, etc.

He used to keep me awake at night even before he was sick, coming into my bedroom, meowing, etc.  So I got into the habit of not letting him sleep with me.  I would kiss him goodnight in the living room and give him love there but when he was sick and wanted to come into my bedroom, I kept the door closed.

It wasn't just him, one of my other cats awakens me constantly and I was exhausted, which is also why I kept the door closed.

I know it sounds terrible and feel horribly guilty about it.  I just kind of kept telling myself he would be okay and didn't mean to let him suffer, but I know he did.

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It's not horrible and I hope you can let go of the guilt.  We NEED our sleep!  If we don't take care of ourselves we can't properly be there for THEM!  The same is true for children.  I had to learn this early on in life and it is NOT selfish, it's a requirement.  My Kodie sleeps in a crate in a back bedroom.  During the daytime he has free run of the house, but I NEED my sleep to function!  He doesn't have a problem with it, although sometimes I wish I could sleep with him, maybe someday when he's past the puppy stage.

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