Lost my grampa and struggling

[Bee1234]

I don’t really know why I’m posting on a site where I don’t know anyone but sometimes it’s better to speak to strangers? 

I lost my grampa on 10 January 2021. He was fit, healthy but wasn’t feeling great over the Christmas period and we took him to a&e. They said he had pneumonia. A week later, after tests he was diagnosed with cancer in the pancreas that had spread and we never knew.  I can’t tell you how heartbroken I am. He contracted covid and due to this i could not visit him.  He passed away.  I hate that it happened this way, and that I couldn’t say bye. It’s so unfair and cruel and I’m really struggling to make sense of it all.   People say ‘at least he’s not in pain’ or ‘at least he wasn’t stuck in the hospital for months’  but there is no good thing to come of this and I’m finding myself irritated easily by people who only mean well.  Which is horrible and I can’t believe I’m saying that out loud as they are only trying to help. 

Ive just turned 30 and this is the first time I’ve ever lost someone, it’s horrendous. I keep talking to him at night hoping he’ll maybe come through spiritually as I can’t fathom the idea of never having any connection with him ever again. 
 

He was like a dad to me and he brought me up, I am going to miss him so much.  If anyone reads this and is going through a similar period or anything that may help please reach out, it helps to know I’m not alone feeling like this.  Thank you xxx

 

[kayc]

Oh Hon, I am so sorry!  Your gpa was more like a dad to you so of course this is hitting hard!  And it's horrible in these Covid times that people don't get to say goodbye, don't get to show support for them when they're dying.  It's beyond words to describe.   

My BIL had stomach cancer and died 5 days after discovering it metastasized, no time to process it.  My sister and him were married 50 years and he was more like a brother to me, living only about 10 miles away.  We were always there for each other.  She sold his business since she's disabled and can't run it.  The following week the person was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and within a week was gone.  Her husband gave back the business.  (My sister already spent the money on a ramp but there was a go between seller it's going back to.)  My best friend, Kay, died of cancer a few years ago, diagnosis to death was two weeks.  She never got to retire, meet but one of her grandchildren.  All our plans for our retirement, gone.

I think talking to your gpa is good.  I still talk to my late husband and my dog & cat that passed last year!  Sometimes I write letters and burn them so their meaning can go up in the air.  Who knows but it doesn't hurt.  

I believe with all my heart we'll be together with them again when it's our time.  Hold onto that.  Hope is free and is so helpful to our making it through this. 

Here, you are never alone.  Some read and don't post because they don't know what to say, they're in the same place but are struggling too.  Marty, our website owner/adm and grief counselor reads all the posts and I imagine she'll be here shortly.  

It can help to channel some of our love towards memorializing them.  It sounds like you have a lot of good memories and feelings towards him.  Also continuing what we've learned from them.  
I love this article, esp. since I've lost both of my parents, my dad when I was 29 and expecting my first child, my mom many years later to dementia when she was 92...32 years in between them both.
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/02/parent-loss-continuing-their-song.html

[Bee1234]

Thank you so much @kayc. It’s horrible to hear what you’ve gone through, life is so unfair.  Pancreatic cancer really is one of the worst isn’t it. 
I like the idea of writing a letter & burning it - I might give that a try.  

tomorrow is the funeral, it feels like it’s taken so long to get here & to be honest I’m dreading it!  I just feel so sad, and then guilty for being happy, it’s weird!   
thank you for your kind words ❤️ If other people, like you, have gone through worse than what I am, I know I can manage it. I know my grampa would not want me to be sad. I’m going to carry his coffin tomorrow & I know he will be proud of me.

[MartyT]

5 hours ago, Bee1234 said:

I just feel so sad, and then guilty for being happy, it’s weird!

In Grief: Feeling Guilty for Feeling Happy  ❤️

[kayc]

20 hours ago, Bee1234 said:

If other people, like you, have gone through worse than what I am, I know I can manage it.

II wouldn't say worse though, to each person, their own grief is the worst.    
I did write a letter to my husband and burn it to send it to him.  Another thing I've done is have us put a note to him in his Christmas stocking, I continue to hang it although no one comes here anymore, and I do the tree with his ornaments, he loved it.  Anything you can do to honor your grandpa, it helps.  And of course the best (IMO) thing we can do is take with us the things we learned from them.

You're in my thoughts today...