Death of spouse during covid

[Napa sadness]

My husband died January 6.   He was diagnosed with glioblastoma August 5.   I thought I had more time.   I didn’t.   The shock.  
I’ve not been alone for 30 years.  I miss him terribly.  No service, no family, none of the regular rituals.   My nights and mornings are so sad.  
I’m lucky to have many friends and much support.   I’m still very much alone.   Sequestering because of covid, social distancing, makes this so hard.  I miss my wonderful supportive best friend.   I look for him to come in the door.   My pets are suffering too.  I finally put a sweater of my husbands in the dogs bed.  It helped her sleep.   I wish I could sleep.   I’m crying everyday.  I’m hoping to feel better everyday.

Hospice called me Friday with support.   Talked two hours.   I’m feeling like, my life has changed so drastically, everyone else’s has stayed the same.  
I wish I could sleep until next year, but I’d wake up in the same space I am now.   
How are people coping with death during a pandemic?   

 

[widow'15]

I am so sorry to read you have recently lost your husband and am hopeful you will find some comfort in joining this forum.  We here all have different stories but are all understanding of what you have lost.   I lost my husband almost 6 years ago and still have days you speak about wanting to just go to sleep and not wake up.  Agreeably the pandemic has only magnified the lose of your husband, your partner and your best friend.  It is good you have a support system.  The best advice I learned on this forum is to just get through one day at a time.  Keeping you in my thoughts.  Dee

[kayc]

I am so sorry, and in these times especially it is very hard for the reasons you mentioned.  I had a hard time sleeping when I lost George, toughed it out for years before finally accepting help from the doctor.  I thought a Rx would be a temporary solution to a permanent problem, I made it harder on myself by not accepting help in the beginning when my doctor offered it, it was hard to function, hard to do my job.  Now I gladly take the Rx and wish it was good for more than 3-4 hours.

Others go on with their lives but ours are irrevocably changed forever.  I'm glad Hospice was there for you to talk to!  It helps to have someone to talk to, when it happened to me, there was no one, all our friends disappeared overnight!  I started a grief support group a few years as we hadn't had one in our town, loved it, but Covid has taken that away for now, I hope to get it going again when this settles down.  I am so sorry for how all the restrictions have hit you. 

 

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Gwenivere]

I don’t know how people cope with this loss in the pandemic as I lost my husband 7 years ago.  I didn’t want to be besieged by a lot of people, but it was helpful to know they were there.  This is the first time in my life I’ve been alone too.   Really alone.  Your loss is so new.  It doesn’t sound like you have any support beyond hospice.  There are others gong thru this during the pandemic who hopefully will share their experience.  The loss of a spouse is a deep cut because half of you dies too, IMO.  I feel that way til this day and probably always will.  I’ve mastered things he did, but inside I’ll never be whole again.  I’m not saying this to scare you, just to tell you I (we) get it here. Nothing you wrote is anything we haven’t felt.  I hope you will take advantage of the support here.  You can share as much or little as is comfortable for you.  I don’t know if you’ve considered a counselor, but that helps me immensely.  Especially since I am alone, no close family or friends in my physical life.  It’s very draining having to do day to day things when they feel like they have no meaning.  Covid took away my volunteering and health issues most of my other physical outlets.  Isolation is torture.  Ever since this pandemic it’s been a struggle to stay sane.  My heart goes out to you being caught in this and your biggest loss.  💔

[Gwenivere]

I guess she never came back.  It always makes me sad that the responses don’t get to the person asking.  I hope she does check back in.  I know this is a tough time it being so new.

[kayc]

I'll try messaging her, sometimes that prompts an email...

[Napa sadness]

On 2/1/2021 at 6:23 AM, kayc said:

I am so sorry, and in these times especially it is very hard for the reasons you mentioned.  I had a hard time sleeping when I lost George, toughed it out for years before finally accepting help from the doctor.  I thought a Rx would be a temporary solution to a permanent problem, I made it harder on myself by not accepting help in the beginning when my doctor offered it, it was hard to function, hard to do my job.  Now I gladly take the Rx and wish it was good for more than 3-4 hours.

Others go on with their lives but ours are irrevocably changed forever.  I'm glad Hospice was there for you to talk to!  It helps to have someone to talk to, when it happened to me, there was no one, all our friends disappeared overnight!  I started a grief support group a few years as we hadn't had one in our town, loved it, but Covid has taken that away for now, I hope to get it going again when this settles down.  I am so sorry for how all the restrictions have hit you. 

 

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

Thank you.   I’m a Casa and do a lot of fundraising, so volunteering is my norm.   Wish I could go to church.   I have two pets that are really mourning.   
I play golf, but can’t right now.  It’s a very strange time.

[Napa sadness]

On 2/1/2021 at 3:33 PM, Gwenivere said:

I don’t know how people cope with this loss in the pandemic as I lost my husband 7 years ago.  I didn’t want to be besieged by a lot of people, but it was helpful to know they were there.  This is the first time in my life I’ve been alone too.   Really alone.  Your loss is so new.  It doesn’t sound like you have any support beyond hospice.  There are others gong thru this during the pandemic who hopefully will share their experience.  The loss of a spouse is a deep cut because half of you dies too, IMO.  I feel that way til this day and probably always will.  I’ve mastered things he did, but inside I’ll never be whole again.  I’m not saying this to scare you, just to tell you I (we) get it here. Nothing you wrote is anything we haven’t felt.  I hope you will take advantage of the support here.  You can share as much or little as is comfortable for you.  I don’t know if you’ve considered a counselor, but that helps me immensely.  Especially since I am alone, no close family or friends in my physical life.  It’s very draining having to do day to day things when they feel like they have no meaning.  Covid took away my volunteering and health issues most of my other physical outlets.  Isolation is torture.  Ever since this pandemic it’s been a struggle to stay sane.  My heart goes out to you being caught in this and your biggest loss.  💔

Thank you.   We sequestered since March.  We were fine, enjoying our life. 
Going to  our boat at the Delta.   Social distancing lunches.   I played golf.  I will continue with these things as we open up.   I’m very much an extravert,

VP of marketing for Fidelity, in recent years I worked two days a week at a tasting room.   We have a lot of friends, single and married.   I find I don’t want to talk to a lot of them.   I feel like my sadness is to much for them.   I’ve been the one feeding 100 people during our fires.    My house always open for dinners, holidays etc.   Don and I were such a good team.   He told me daily how lucky we were.  Loving each other, enjoying our garden, our animals.   He wasn’t fearful.   When I said why you? He said why not me.  No fear.   I feel differently daily, no really every hour.   I realized today I feel out of balance.   Like one side is lagging.   We were each other’s yen and yang.

Him a zen master and me, never meeting a stranger.   Really good for each other.   A girlfriend came by with a huge check for me as she was worried about my house!  I’m fine.   She said most people would never know the love Don and I had.   She wouldn’t.   I’m glad people saw the respect and loyalty.

💔Napa sadness.    

[Napa sadness]

49 minutes ago, kayc said:

I'll try messaging her, sometimes that prompts an email...

I’m having a hard time navigating this site!  Opening responses etc

[Kieron]

13 hours ago, Napa sadness said:

I feel differently daily, no really every hour.   I realized today I feel out of balance.   Like one side is lagging.

I believe that is a pretty common sensation, and you will probably notice different feelings, different intensities, and certainly some physical sensations.  There were times I expected to take off my shirt and find a hole in my chest.  I went about 5 - 6 months feeling the most intense ache in my hands, forearms and shoulders.  A massage therapist worked on me and she said she believed people store their grief in these same areas, which makes sense.  So, again, you will probably notice a wide range of things, especially after 30 years.  And, really, when you stop and think, it's been barely a month for you.  I'm not trying to frighten you or anyone, but it really is just the earliest steps on this strange grief journey.  Be gentle with yourself and give yourself breaks, time to do some reflection, sleep if you can, and definitely hydrate, especially if you find yourself crying often.  Your body needs to replenish fluid, so don't overlook this.

It's definitely a strange time.  I can't fathom how extraverts are handling all this.  I'm an introvert and the isolation is driving me a little 'round the bend.

[scba]

18 minutes ago, Kieron said:

  There were times I expected to take off my shirt and find a hole in my chest.  

I went through a similar experience. I expected to find a big wound in my chest, in my back. Sort of a "stigmata". I remember dreaming with me being the patient getting ready for surgery, laying in a hospital bed while waiting (he died after a major intervention). I could experience in my body what wasn't really happening. I thought I was going crazy. I'm relieved that those days are far away. 

[kayc]

15 hours ago, Napa sadness said:

She said most people would never know the love Don and I had.

It was evident with George and I too, people always commented.  I'm glad you experienced that too.  It has to be enough to last me my life, I guess. 

15 hours ago, Napa sadness said:

I’m having a hard time navigating this site!  Opening responses etc

You don't have to open responses here, just read and reply.  You have already figured out how to quote people.  You can tag people but putting @ and then their username, then clicking on it when it pops up below.  You can go to someone's profile by clicking on their username or profile picture and then clicking their activity or messaging them.

 

[Napa sadness]

2 minutes ago, kayc said:

It was evident with George and I too, people always commented.  I'm glad you experienced that too.  It has to be enough to last me my life, I guess. 

You don't have to open responses here, just read and reply.  You have already figured out how to quote people.  You can tag people but putting @ and then their username, then clicking on it when it pops up below.  You can go to someone's profile by clicking on their username or profile picture and then clicking their activity or messaging them.

 

Thanks

[Napa sadness]

16 hours ago, kayc said:

I'll try messaging her, sometimes that prompts an email...

I now realize why they say not to move the first year!   I made the mistake of remodeling my bedroom during Don’s illness.   Hired a novice that did nothing right.   Paid him as I was afraid of retaliation.   Waited a few months and started again.   New guy works two hours a day!   Now laying a floor takes time!    At this rate he’ll be done in two months.   Yesterday he no showed, so a new floor person today.  Now, I’ve always been a discount girl, saving wherever I can, but, this will cost me double!   Finances are another issue when husbands die!    My income changes significantly .   You’re not only grieving, you now have to pay a huge mortgage alone.  I’m going to do my best to stay here.   Rents in Napa are huge too.    
Last night I was laying in bed, feeling sad and my mortuary guy texted me with sweet thoughts.   He said Beth, I can’t stop thinking of you as I’m pondering the loss of my mother.   He and I bonded the first time I called setting up arrangements.   He even wanted to run errands for me.   He forwarded a beautiful song about lost love.   There is support around every corner.

I find if people didn’t make me feel better I run.   I can’t stay in their judgement zone.   Taking my inventory doesn’t work.   My besties sister lost her husband to glioblastoma in November.   We talk weekly.   We have bonded because of this horrible disease.   My husband had surgery, hers didn’t.   He made it nine months, mine five months.   I had no Dr visits.  Only zoom.   I’m resentful, as I feel they thought I was exaggerating his symptoms.   I was exhausted as I gave him 24 hour care with zero help.   His daughter was here 2-3 hours a day.    That helped but, I changed him moved him and cleaned up.   Hospice (thank goodness) came in ten days before he died.   They marveled at how well I took care of him.   Today every bone aches, muscles are hurting, I have fever blisters and cold sores.   It’s like I couldn’t get sick when he was ill, and they’re hitting at once.   Thank you for listening.   I know I need to write, it helps me.   I did a Caringbridge page for five months.   I was raw and forthright, some people were shocked at my truths.   That’s me.   We had about 250 people reading it.   There’s no way I could have talked to all of them.   CaringBridge was a God send.

Thank you for being here.   Now, if I’m not back right away means I’m just busy.   Not leaving.    💔
 

 

[Gwenivere]

4 hours ago, Napa sadness said:

It’s like I couldn’t get sick when he was ill, and they’re hitting at once.

Exactly what happened to me.  Almost 5 years and barely a cold.  After he left, my body started breaking down and hasn’t stopped.  I don’t know how much of the many maladies I deal with now were sped up or caused by the stress of that time.  Can’t change it, but it sure makes the grief worse.  Not just from them, but also being alone.  I Need help doing some things and have none most of the time.  I went from being Superwoman (like you, when hospice stepped in it was such a relief to be able to call them and have weekly visits or that day if needed, meds sent by mail, a place to send him when home was too much), to being disabled now.  

I hope your physical problems are stress related and start to ease over time.  Mine are complicated by age too.  The docs say even at 65 some battles I shouldn’t be facing for another decade.  But we neglect ourselves or don’t feel the signs of things when we are caregivers.  The worst I felt was fatigued.  

I wish I had some helping words about dealing with contractors and financial worries.  Having that also on top of grief makes it harder.  I’m glad you have a new friend that really understands the specific medical condition you dealt with.  I connected with Steve’s sister as she was a nurse.  Unfortunately she died 4 months after he did.  She was so helpful and ripped away.  We were like sisters all my married life.  Grief is the most cruel thing I’ve ever experienced.  

7 hours ago, Kieron said:

It's definitely a strange time.  I can't fathom how extraverts are handling all this.  I'm an introvert and the isolation is driving me a little 'round the bend.

I’m an extrovert forced into actions of an introvert and it is driving me crazy.  Not saying that lightly either. Some/most days I don’t know how I’ll get through.   Everyone is feeling the stress of this pandemic.  You’re not the first more laid back person I’ve heard this from.  Just shows how social connection is needed by everyone, just different doses.  Most all around me have someone.  They get annoyed with them or whatever but do see how much worse it could be without them, usually when I point it out when they complain.  To hard for me to have pity for them when I’m really isolated.  I have to make sure I don’t take it out on my dog!  Gawd forbid I have to call a place for problems.  I always tell the rep my anger is not personal to them, just utter frustration with whatever the fire is.  To be able to converse with someone at home, in person, would/was so great.  

[kayc]

You should NOT have to pay double for your floors, if first guy is a no show, tell him you will NOT pay for the job and tell him you're going to hire someone else to do it.  No excuse for no showing.

We do not "move on" from our grief or our love.  The love and missing them remains.  It's important to do our grief work and be in a place where we can adjust before making changes, and one of the things that prohibits that is our grief brain/fog.  It can take a long time to be able to see with clarity.  This is much like a brain trauma.
https://refugeingrief.com/2018/04/10/grief-crazy/
http://mikeunkelhaeuser.weebly.com/blog/widows-brain

Here is an article that I hope will be of help to you regarding friendships...again, you might give it time before doing anything permanent, but some of them decide for us.
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/friendship-why-i-not-longer-hold-onto-relationships-that-no-longer-serve-me_b_8027096

Also regarding physical ailments when grieving, they have a way of catching up to us:
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/03/physical-reactions-to-loss.html
https://whatsyourgrief.com/physical-grief-symptoms/
 

[MartyT]

Here are two more well-written articles that you may find helpful:

‘Loneliness pandemic’: How widows are dealing with grief amid COVID-19

 COVID-19 and Grief: The Lost Parts of Ourselves

[Napa sadness]

On 2/2/2021 at 4:13 PM, kayc said:

I'll try messaging her, sometimes that prompts an email...

 

[Napa sadness]

Thanks for the suggestions.   I now have a library of grieving books.    I will eventually read them.    For now, I’m talking to a therapist and watching cooking shows!   I’m taking one hour at a time, as everyone knows how I should feel and what I need to do.   I’m grateful for my animals.    Another living breathing creature.   I know I’m testy as I’m not sleeping through the night.   I’m tired but always wake up at 3:33.   Threes were our kissing hello or goodbye.   Always three times.   People laughed.  Our little rituals.   I’ve already made a date with a girlfriend for Valentines Day.   Don and I went out before or after, never on.   So I’m changing it up!  

[kayc]

I did message her with no response but see she has been here since she posted, just hasn't responded, but she has received our responses, so that's good.  Sometimes grievers just don't have anything to say, maybe she'll be back someday. 

20 hours ago, Napa sadness said:

I’m tired but always wake up at 3:33.   Threes were our kissing hello or goodbye.   Always three times.

Wow!

@MartyT The article was good, but I disagree with the last statement "we shouldn’t be talking to strangers, we should be talking to those that love us and know us,” Kendal said.  I think she maybe meant that it'd be BETTER if we could get our support from our loved ones.  I know I would have had serious problems if not for this place when George died.  My family could not understand what they had not been through and our "friends" (who turned out not be be) disappeared because it was "uncomfortable."  Honestly, I don't think the so called friends would have been open to being educated but at that point I did not have any clarity of brain to help myself, let alone them!  This puts too much pressure on the newly bereaved who can't even think/eat/get through the day themselves!  Even at a year or two out!  I commend this author for starting a group and doing something positive/constructive with what she was going through!  If I was younger, more tech savvy, had better internet bandwidth, I might have done the same thing myself, but HERE is the place I come to!

A line from the other article I loved was: "Stay inside. Practice social distancing or isolate. Clean myself. OMG, I’ve become a house cat."  That was great!