Have your mental disorders developed or gotten worse since your loved one passed?

[nashreed]

So I have anxiety disorder, panic disorder, agorophobia and most likely I'm on the autism spectrum (it wasn't something that was tested for in the 70's- I was just a weird kid). When my beautiful Annette was alive, she kept me in check. I was even able to work again by her leaving me a message every hour and getting me through the shift. She told me to chill out and relax and was able to help me control my anxiety to a degree that it wasn't affecting our relationship. Now that she's gone, I find that not only do my old mental issues fight for space to make their presence known, but other disorders that I thought I had under control have come back with a vengeance, especially Misophonia. I find that I practically have to have headphones on all the time lately. Just my Mom eating soup just now drove me absolutely nuts, where I instantly had to run to the headphones. So many sounds are triggers: dogs barking, kids screaming, plate scraping, chewing...even a clock ticking. I tried to get on Lexapro, but (as often happens) I had side effects: if a medication makes me feel like "not myself" (for better or usually worse), I can't take it.

I'm sure that this has all been because of Annette's passing. There was a period where I was kind of numb to it all, but now I am really affected by this stuff to a unbearable degree. Has this been the case for others as well?

[MTNSIDE]

I’m so sorry for your loss. She gave you so much support and help with issues you struggled with. It is understandable that the symptoms she helped you control came back and are even stronger to fight. Do you have any other people in your life that offer you support?  If not, sharing here was a smart decision. I hope you find the support you need as you go through your grief.  After the loss of my brothers and friends, dogs, and my home, health, and business, I was diagnosed with complicated grief. My borderline personality symptoms were much worse. When I feel emotions so intensely, I can barely get through each day.  I found support here and at a couple of other sites.  I pray for you that you do too!! 

[nashreed]

Thanks. It took a month for anyone to reply to this. Posting here has been helpful, certainly.  I don't have anyone I can really talk to about what I go through. My Mom has a lot of the same issues. My Mom is this type of person: She coughs really bad in the morning and at night (due to allergies), but refuses to take any cough medicine for it- she'd rather just cough constantly then do something about it. That's my "support system". I'm just kind of navigating this alone. I talk out my feelings to Annette in the morning, and that helps. I'm sorry you've had it ruff. One day at a time...

[kayc]

I'm sorry, nashreed, I didn't see this until you'd already gotten a response.

 

[nashreed]

This side of the forum doesn't see much action, does it? Thanks, Kay.

[kayc]

I guess not, we don't have a lot of regulars anymore. 

 

[nashreed]

So, now I find myself really stepping up hoarding CD's, because, you know, it's nice to get 'em in the mail, and I love collecting them... But I also self sabotage myself because I spend more than I should because I don't have a whole lot to do except shop online for them. I think self sabotage is something that I always do i some way. I mean, when I was a kid I stole for no good reason, just because I was bored I guess. I used to steal quarters from my Mom and play video games at the arcade. Annette helped a lot in making me feel worth something and giving me purpose. Now I'm back at square one, and the arcade is closed and empty (sad). 

Sometimes I feel like Annette knows how sad and lonely I am. She can't do anything about it, and I don't want her to feel bad. 

[HG88]

everythin got much worse for me, and i was already in a pretty bad state before she died, ive been living with my mental illness since late teens, unmedicated or rather self medicated, and life had already being getting so much worse from 25 onwards, now.....pssh! better be a big reward for this crap in the afterlife, or something at least to make it all feel worthwhile and meaningful and not just how horrible life can become. i'm totally hopeless for the future too, every day suicide seems more and more absurdly obvious, but that would hurt my remaining cat so it's off the table. he is suffering too, still, since Althea died, i even think he understands that i understand him because i notice we have special moments (usually hes all play) where its like he seems in a sad tender "philosophical" mood and is remembering everyone hes lost, which is same as me, we both lost rosie, kitty, grandma, and Althea. the thought of tom just growing old bored and dead inside his mind due to the effect of my suicide on him, even if all he knew was one day im no longer there etc, is wayyyyy too much for me to be ok with, so he is keepin me alive. i got to the point where i dont even care what my human family thinks because they showed no sympathy for althea or me after she died and i find that incredibly insensitive so i miat admit i have a feeling of screw them, i dont care if they are upset. but my cat Tom,, no way, he wouldnt have any kind of life, he would just die, 

 

soemtimes i just wish i had some damn relief in life like god, let me have a good phase with good luvk, good things happening, etc but it never comes, everyday feels like my life gets worse. one sort of solace i have is hoping to be able to expresss soemthin of these feelings and experiences in music i make, i figured it will be hard to be so emotionally open in songs but ultimately i know doig that feels very meaningful later on so i continue, i get a lot from peoples posts here, reading the different ways people describe their grief etc, i find each post sort of adds to my inner understanding of grief and all related things and at the end of the day broadens my perspective on life. i look back to the years where no one had even died in the family. wow. seems like the most amazing time of life ever, just by virtue of that fact. now everyhing feels so wrong and broken and i cant even have hope that better times will come because i fail at life so much. i have like one talent, music, and im not even that good at that haha and constantly doubt myself and get insecure. i wish i had a partner in life who got me and liked me. but it seems like i must be unlovable or intolerable or somrthing because i barely maintain a friendship with one or two people and havent had any intimate relationships at all since brief flings in my teens. i became mentally ill and withdrew from life naturwlly, alienated a lot of old acquantences when they saw me and i seemed crazy or whatever. it is frustrating, i have a contant feeling of like abandonment, like the world abandoned me and doesnt want me in it. i really think althea and my previous cat kitty were the only people who ever truly truly truly loved me. my parents love me but like an investment, hah, they will turn on me like lightning and show total indifference, something althea never did at all. oh yeah and they are also of the insanely ridicukous opinioj that im not and never have been mentally ill. so imagine dealing with that, your own family denying against all obvious evidence their son is really seriously ill and has been for so long. aometimes, i think they do want me to die and are indifferent to me purposely to keep themselves aloof from pain when i do die. 

[HG88]

and recently i wrote to my mother who lives in a different country and finally told her my whole story because she did not know most of it how it really was. basically told her about 12 years or substance abuse, mental illness etc. know what her reaction was? none! never responded at all. too much to handle for her, maybe, thats why i never told her. but i got my mental issues from her! her side of the family all have or had soemthing related and i got it absolute worse, like all of them combined doesnt even hold a candle ro how bad it has been for me. they maintained normal lives. they got married etc. you just cant do anything like that in my condition, thats how i know they didnt have it as bad. 

[kayc]

It doesn't help to compare situations or loss as it devalues someone's, I've learned it pays to focus on what we can do to get through our own.  Yes some people have it harder, life sure isn't fair, I realize that!

My mom had mental issues, severe, all her life, it was hard dealing with but that was her reality even though not accurate, perception is our reality.  We kids were lucky not to get it.