I’m Heartbroken at losing my cat

[SukiMumma]

On Wednesday (February 3rd), I lost my 3.5 year old Birman Suki. She’d been having odd wobbly moments, and was due to have an MRI on the 9th. Despite the wobbling she was pretty much herself, eating, going toilet, annoying my older cat Ziggy. On the third she was much more wobbly, I brought her up to my office so I could keep an eye on her, she was making some strange noises so brought her back down on my lunch break. She wet herself as I was bringing her down. I settled her on the sofa where she would sleep and cleaned her up. She was quiet, I stroked her and talked to her but I had to go back to work, so I left her laying on the sofa. I have a cat came so trained it on her to keep checking on her. About 20 mins after coming up I checked on her for the second time, she was on her back and it didn’t look right, she never slept on her back. I ran down to her, turned her towards me, she was limp and lifeless, my beautiful baby Suki was gone, I called my vets, I didn’t know what to do, I was in so much shock. They told me to bring her down straight away. Putting her in the carrier I knew she was gone, the softness and immobility of her. My vets are only 5mins drive away and they were waiting outside for me, they took the carrier and ran in, 10 minutes later they came out and confirmed there was no heartbeat and she was gone. They gently suggested a post mortem, to find out why she died so young, which I am having done, but because of covid, and no couriers available, I had to drive her there the following day. How I did that, knowing my baby was beside me in the car, I don’t know. I’m still waiting for the outcome. The indoor cat camera, it recorded the moments before her death, she was fitting, I can’t get that image out of my head, that and finding her on the sofa, I just want to wail, she followed me everywhere, she was so loving. My older cat knows something is wrong, he knows she’s not there. I just can’t believe she’s gone, and so suddenly, my manager at work, seemed to not understand why I took two days off as holiday after, I don’t even know how I’m going to work tomorrow, Suki would always be around my desk, the house is so much quieter, she was so vocal, I feel sick and I can’t stop crying, she was my baby, I have no children, my cats are my kids, finding my fur baby dead is killing me.

[kayc]

I am so sorry, my heart goes out to you.  I wish people understood about the close relationship we have with our "pets,"  I don't even like the term, as they are really our family members!  They are our children, companions, best friends, all rolled into one.  Your story reminds me of 23 years ago finding my Fluffy dead and I was alone and in shock and called the vet and rushed him there, where they pronounced him dead, did I think the vet could bring him back to life?  IDK, all I could think of was to get him help, only there was none, he was gone. 

I'm sorry your manager is not understanding.  Very hard.  Praying you get through this, I hope you can make it through work somehow, spend lots of time with Ziggy. 

http://www.griefhealing.com/comfort-grieving-animal-lovers.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2018/06/pet-loss-supporting-your-grieving-pet.html

 

[SukiMumma]

Thank you KayC, you’re so right about the term pets, they’re members of our family. I’m sorry to hear about the loss of Fluffy, your experience is so much like mine. For me it’s the shock that is so hard, like a punch in the stomach, I still feel like the wind has been knocked out of me. 
Alas my manager was far from comforting this morning, I said I simply needed a couple more days, still being in lockdown makes it harder as I’m in the house all the time, she made me feel guilty for still being upset and said she thought two days would be enough time to deal with things. 
Ziggy is staying close, he’s my mini panther.

My beloved Suki

[MartyT]

Such beautiful pictures ~ thank you for sharing! I'm sure your heart is breaking at the loss of your beloved Suki. So sudden. So unexpected. So unfair. Sending healing thoughts to you ❤️

[kayc]

Such a beautiful cat!  I'm sorry your work isn't more understanding.  Regardless, I hope they let you have the time off you need to deal with the worst, although I know it's a drop in the bucket overall, we continue to love and miss them.  

[Melonfarmer]

Did you find out what happened to her?

[SukiMumma]

Still waiting, the initial examinations didn’t show up anything, so we’re waiting on test results that were sent off and could take 2-3 weeks to come back. I don’t know how I’ll feel if they say there was nothing wrong. I’m having her cremated and chose the urn on Monday, she’ll be back with us soon and that will help, as soon as I hear anything will let you know.

[Melonfarmer]

How are you doing? Will having Suki back bring you peace? She was so beautiful inside and out and I am so sorry for your loss.

[SukiMumma]

I’m doing better than I was, I’ve been back at work since Monday so that has been a good distraction, but also seems odd as she would jump up on my desk and fall asleep, or play with my pen, or just be a truly playful little girl, she was my shadow so that has made things a lot quieter.

I do believe that having her back will bring me great peace, though I like to think her soul is somewhere safe with all the other animals that have passed, they’re all healthy and keeping each other safe and having fun. She was a beautiful girl, with a delicate temperament. My older cat Ziggy is still looking for her at nights.

[Rjm]

Hi. I so hope you are doing ok and I sympathize with your loss. Losing my cat has been the worst, and it is so hard when others don't understand. I want to tell you that mine has been gone 3 weeks, and I am slowly getting better. I have never felt such sadness and emptiness, but allowing myself to grieve and cry and reading a bunch of articles on pet loss gave me some comfort. I wish you the best. 

[SukiMumma]

I’m so sorry for your loss, it is very hard when people don’t understand, they’re part of our family. It will get easier, but allowing those moments to cry are the best thing, everyone grieves differently, so do what feels best for you. I have found this forum a great comfort as sharing and finding others who understand the great painful loss, has truly given me comfort. Stay strong 😻

[Danni f]

Time isn't healing my broken heart.I list my dog fisher on September 11 2020.he was almost 15 yrs old.actually I feel worse as time goes by.almost like my mind was in shock and now reality set in.I feel angry and I drive by the vets everyday thinking I could have done more.he was old and had slot of issues but I did not want to give up.I did not want him to suffer.but isn't it goes plan,do we have that right to put our animals to sleep. I can't seem to let that go.I had almost 15 wonderful years with fisher.I am grateful and I will hold my memories in my heart always.I just feel I cant step over this,its like I can't let go.I don't want to feel sad all the time.I hate when people tell me in time you will you will heal.I have not.I miss him so much.I don't feel I can ever have another dog,I just can't face this type of grief again.I feel I'm one of the nutty ones lol that just can't move forward.I truly don't know how to move on.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Rjm]

Hi Danni f. I'm so sorry for the loss of your dog. I feel such pain over my cat that I think it would be even more difficult grieving over a dog. I hope I don't make you feel worst in any way. It is so, so HARD. I was so distraught that I found a therapist that specializes in grief and losing a pet. She has been helping me. I also downloaded about 4 books on grief and loss of a pet. I don't think I will ever get over losing Rocky. He was my best friend. Always there with unconditional love. And I did not want to give up on him but it hurt me to see him suffer. And it left me full of guilt. I know what you mean when you say you feel like you can't let go. I don't want to let go. I do not want to push Rocky aside or forget him, but I have learned that you never will really let go. I have read that there is always a sadness and emptiness over the place they had in your heart. It was so special. Nothing can replace them. When I am feeling overwhelmed with sadness I let myself cry and grieve and just tell myself that my feelings are ok. But I also tell myself that if others can move on and not be as sad over the death of a spouse or child or a dog, then I can also. I think you have to force yourself everyday to do something to take care of yourself. I don't think you have given yourself enough time. There is no timeline. Everyone grieves differently. And it is ok for you to miss him. The pain is like no other. But I was just trying to give you some hope. It helps to get a therapist and read about grief. Don't give up or tell yourself you are nutty. If you force yourself to get up everyday and go on with your life then you are moving on. It's baby steps. It is one day at a time. I've never felt so alone at times since I lost Rocky. You don't have to let go, but try and love yourself like he loved you.

[Agemgem]

11 hours ago, Danni f said:I feel I'm one of the nutty ones lol that just can't move forward.I truly don't know how to move on.

If being nutty means that I love my dog that much, then I'm willing to be called such.  So sorry to hear about your loss, Danni.  I know it's so painful.  Mine suddenly passed away in December and I still feel so empty and emotional right now.  I've watched a grief video and what I've learned is that we cannot really move on from grief, we just have to learn to live with it.  I'm trying to live with grief one day at a time, some days I could look at her photos and smile at memories.  But there are also days when it's worse I'm overwhelmed with grief and pain that I can barely open her photos at all. I hope and would like to believe that we will see them again someday.  My heart goes out to you and to everyone who lost their beloved companion. We are very lucky to have them in our lives.

 

 

 

[SukiMumma]

Hi Danni F, I can’t begin to imagine how you’re feeling at your loss, Fisher was in your life such a long time and that if anything makes the loss even more hard to deal with. In 2017 my cat Daisy was out and she got hit by a car, her injuries were such that it was the humane thing to do was to put her to sleep. I was with her to say goodbye unlike with Suki, Daisy was 2.5 years old. I still look at pictures or think about her and cry, and it’s almost 4 years now. I got a tattoo for Daisy, my first, a Daisy flower with a paw print in the middle, in my mind she is part of me, I’m going to do the same for Suki. Everyone grieves differently, I’m not going to say it will get easier, I burst into tears over Suki this afternoon. I understand your grief and all I will do is send you love.

[Danni f]

Just now, Danni f said:

 

Thank you sukimumma.❤

[Danni f]

2 hours ago, Agemgem said:

 

 

3 hours ago, Rjm said:

Hi Danni f. I'm so sorry for the loss of your dog. I feel such pain over my cat that I think it would be even more difficult grieving over a dog. I hope I don't make you feel worst in any way. It is so, so HARD. I was so distraught that I found a therapist that specializes in grief and losing a pet. She has been helping me. I also downloaded about 4 books on grief and loss of a pet. I don't think I will ever get over losing Rocky. He was my best friend. Always there with unconditional love. And I did not want to give up on him but it hurt me to see him suffer. And it left me full of guilt. I know what you mean when you say you feel like you can't let go. I don't want to let go. I do not want to push Rocky aside or forget him, but I have learned that you never will really let go. I have read that there is always a sadness and emptiness over the place they had in your heart. It was so special. Nothing can replace them. When I am feeling overwhelmed with sadness I let myself cry and grieve and just tell myself that my feelings are ok. But I also tell myself that if others can move on and not be as sad over the death of a spouse or child or a dog, then I can also. I think you have to force yourself everyday to do something to take care of yourself. I don't think you have given yourself enough time. There is no timeline. Everyone grieves differently. And it is ok for you to miss him. The pain is like no other. But I was just trying to give you some hope. It helps to get a therapist and read about grief. Don't give up or tell yourself you are nutty. If you force yourself to get up everyday and go on with your life then you are moving on. It's baby steps. It is one day at a time. I've never felt so alone at times since I lost Rocky. You don't have to let go, but try and love yourself like he loved you.

Rjm.beautiful words.❤

[Danni f]

2 hours ago, Agemgem said:

 

Agemgem.❤❤❤

[kayc]

@Danni fI understand, the longer we go, the more reality seems to slap us and the painful yearning for them can be excruciating.  I've learned to carry my grief inside me, it's always there, I don't cry as much on the outside, but it's there.  Little by little we live with the changes it means for our lives, but we do NOT love them any less!  I put my hopes on being with him again someday.  I wish it didn't hurt so bad while we're waiting.  

[SukiMumma]

I got a card from my vets on Friday, saying how sorry they were about Suki passing, with some sunflower seeds to plant. My sister called them for me to see if there was any update on her post mortem, no more update as yet, the time is indeterminate as they have to wait for results and write up reports. They did tell my sister that Suki’s ashes were back and I could collect. I went this afternoon to collect her ashes, I’d not slept last night, bringing her home has been a big thing for me, part way to feeling some kind of closure. The vets were closed, there had been a positive covid test result today, so upon calling another branch in the vet group, they advised me the reason for the closure, I asked about Suki’s ashes and there were no notes on the system to say they had come back, and no idea could be given for when the vets will open. This broke me, not knowing where my darling Suki is, not knowing when she’ll be back with me, I got home and bawled my eyes out. My older cat Ziggy, who is only loving when he choses, has now curled beside me on the sofa to sleep. I have that horrible sick feeling and emptiness in my stomach again.

[Melonfarmer]

I'm so sorry. As if the loss of pets wasn't enough, we have to deal with this awful pandemic. I hope Suki will be able to come home soon.

[kayc]

I am so sorry you are going through this, as if it wasn't hard enough.  I'm sure they have them safe and will get them to you when they are open again.  It can be very disconcerting in the meanwhile.  You could check with local crematories to find out if they do cremations for that vet and if so, if they have them. 

[SukiMumma]

I picked up Suki’s ashes yesterday. My sister drove me to the vets, they handed me the bag and I could barely hold back the tears, by the time I was back in the car the emotions just exploded from me, great hearty sobs, which I think had been building up inside me for some time. She is home now, we still don’t know what happened, I have to be patient for those results, the pain feels different, a different kind of emotion now.

[kayc]

I hope in spite of the reality hitting in a new way that it also is a comfort having her with you now.

[HG88]

SukiMumma, what your boss said would have made me so mad! some people are so insensitive it makes me wonder how they live with themselves, how can someone be that stupid and shallow? I think at some point in this life or another they will develop a similar loving bond with an animal and then learn just how hard it is and how wrong they were to say that to you. 

I ser this happening with my dad; he was never an animal person, never had pets. He just sort of tolerated our dog and cat, but hated the expenses and probably didn't think it was worth it. I think back to how nice my childhood would have been with a dog or cat, I was an only child, my parents were in a vicious relationship and divorce, a friend in an animal would have made a world of difference for me, but no. He remarried, my stepmom is an animal person, so he compromised I suppose. He saw how much grief we had when our dog and cat died one after the other over two years, but I don't think he really felt it himself. Since that time, at work randomly he saved three tiny kittens from death, he brought only one home, the others probably died, but the one he brought home, a boy named Tom, bonded with him because he saved him, even though when I first met Tom, he seemed to me like a little cat robot whose only mission was getting out of the small box he had him in! he was just like this forward moving robot! but he developed such a wonderful personality, he is the darling of the family, he is indoor only but we built a screened porch just for him, on the first time we let him in it, he was overjoyed and ran around jumping up so happy to have a taste of being outdoors! now it's his routine, he spends time there watching birds, squirrels, other cats, raccoons... then comes inside and runs about 100mph thru the house enjoying himself. For ten years I've had a female cat whownas only allowed in my room, not the whole house, but Tom knew her from when she was outside and when she got sick, I brought her to him. They used to hiss at each other, this time Tom saw she wasn't well and got himself comfy laying near her and just gazed happily at her. She has died now and ever since he obsessively looks for a sign of her outside, or smells me for a trace of her living scent, and seems like he is having difficulty understanding it all. I tried to show him her deceased body before burial, he did not understand sadly. He is still upset but it comes and goes, he plays like normal, then remembers her and looks. He is great but I know what his time comes it will devastate our family and that is when my dad will finally get it, what we have felt for each loss of a pet, because I believe it's the first time he felt a true personal bond with an animal. In this way I think our pets are like teachers, so I think your beloved cat Suki's life and death must contain a deep lesson for you personalized for you, try to find it if possible it may help understane the meaning of your relationship in the big picture of things. 

Just my thoughts and story to relate to Suki, no offense intended at all.