My grandfather's cancer is eating away at him, and me

[Jake0808]

My grandfather has been a stand-in father for my whole life. He took me and my siblings in over a decade ago and he's done nothing but love and support us throughout everything. He's been such a strong, compassionate rock for the whole family and he's slowly withering away from stage IV pancreatic cancer. He beat it once and after months of chemo, a huge operation, and a long grueling recovery it came back. Between the chemo and radiation, he's tired, he can hardly eat, he's pale and in so much pain. I try talking to him and being there for him as much as possible but my brain can't stop wandering to the fact that this is the beginning of the end. The end of the barbecue's, holidays, birthday parties, movie nights, an end to our long talks during the summer by the pool. Every little positive memory between him and I feels like the last one I'll ever have. I still call, text, go over and cook, or do anything I can to be by his side, but knowing the other shoe is gonna drop sooner or later has me on the verge of tears nearly every day. My family and I are all coping the best we can but I feel so distant from everyone. How can I try and stay positive throughout all this? How can I bring us as a family together to be there for him? How can I power through schoolwork and life's responsibilities when all I want to do is cry and sleep? I just feel broken and frustrated at how unfair this all is and how sad it is that I only have so many days left with him. I feel so nostalgic for the times where I never had this giant thunderstorm hanging over my head and could just enjoy spending time with my grandpa. 

[MartyT]

I'm so sorry this is happening to you and your beloved grandfather, Jake, and my heart reaches out to you in your pain. The love you have for this man comes through in your post, and clearly he means the world to you. You are wise to be seeking support for yourself even as you strive to be there for him and the rest of your family.

I want to point you to some readings that I hope will be helpful to you as you find your way through the road that lies ahead ~ and I hope you know that we will be here for you each step of the way.  ❤️

Anticipatory Grief and Mourning

Anticipatory Grief and Mourning: Suggested Resources

[kayc]

14 hours ago, Jake0808 said:

How can I power through schoolwork and life's responsibilities when all I want to do is cry and sleep?

Most schools have a counselor that can help you, and I hope you can make use of that.  My kids' school counselor was wonderful with them when their dad got a divorce, she was great with me as well...she is retired now and a neighbor, amazing kind person.  I hope you can look into this.

I am so sorry for all you are going through.  I've been through many losses in my life, including when I was young, and it's very hard to navigate on your own.  I'm thankful today we have the internet and forums, so many resources available.  I pray your journey with him will not only be tough, but special, as it was for me when I took care of my MIL when she was bedridden with cancer for three years before her death...she was not just my MIL, but my best friend, and the mom I'd always wanted.   Sending you hugs...