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June 30, 2020 I found out that my paw paw passed away, at 1:02 a.m. My little brother was sleep, and my parents, and I was getting ready to go to sleep, when one of my oldest sisters busted in my room crying, and went into my parents room crying telling them that my grandma sent a message to her saying that paw paw died. Then, my little brother woke up, and he was crying, and then my other oldest sister came in my room to my parents room crying, my mom and dad were all crying. In that moment, I sat on my bed, holding my pilllow tightly, just in shock, no tears would even fall from my eyes, and then I broke down crying, It was hard for me to go to sleep after I just found out that my paw paw passed away. On July 11, 2020, there was a viewing where just family could see my paw paw in his casket, at the funeral home, before the actual funeral the next day. I remeber walking in the funeral home, my heart beating fast, and everything because I wasn't able to go and see him in the hospital because of Covid, I wasn't able to say goodbye, and the thought of him just laying in the casket, lifeless, I couldn't take it, and still can't take it, the memory of him laying in that casket still haunts me, till this day. Before, I even walked down the aisle to see him, I just broke down in a wailing cry, and was having trouble catching my breath, I miss my paw paw deeply, when I am at home from school, and at church with my family, I am reminded of him, and it hurts to be reminded of him, and not see him, and not hear his voice and how he would encourage me, and give me hugs, it really hurts deeply. This loss has been really me grieving for the first time because when I was young I lost another grandpa, when I was 3 and he was buried three days before my 4th birthday, so I really didn't have a chance to grieve his loss, i was so young, but now that I am older, Grief has hit me like a ton of bricks, literally, and is something that is hard to explain. Recently, on Jan 28th, I found out that my great uncle passed away, an uncle I never even had the chance to say hello to or attend his funeral. Somedays, I am struggling, and wonder how I can even take on more step, but yet because of God I am able to. There are days when my grief hits me so hard some days than others, I try to write poetry everyday because that helps me cope. Sometimes, I hide my pain behind a smile, even though deep down inside, I am going through so much, so much. Some days I don't want to get out of bed, go to classes, and sometimes I just want to be by myself. There are so many questions that I often have running through my head, and so many answers that I long to find. My life will never be the same again, my heart is broken, and I feel it both emotionally and physically. 

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I'm so very sorry to learn of the death of your beloved paw paw, my dear. Since this is your first experience with significant loss, it's only natural that you are left with so many questions. Grief turns the world as we knew it upside down. It's like being dropped into another country where you don't know the land and you don't speak the language. As a result you feel completely and totally lost. But you are not alone. Since the beginning of time, we human beings have suffered losses of every kind, including the loss of the ones we love so dearly. As a result, we've learned a lot about what is "normal" in grief (that is, what most people might experience). It's been said that the best way to learn what lies on the road ahead is to speak with someone who's been there. That's why I would encourage you to do some reading about the process of grief, so you'll better understand your own reactions and what you might do to manage them. You might begin with these:

Grief: Understanding The Process

Bereavement: Doing The Work of Grief

Teen Grief: Grandparent's Death Triggers Unresolved Grief

It's also helpful to surround yourself with others who are going through a loss that is similar to your own. Being here online with other grievers is one way for you to do that, because we're all on that same road with you. (That is why I'm moving your post from this forum over to our Loss of A Parent or Grandparent forum.)

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I am so sorry for your loss, very hard at such a young age, I lost my nephew when I was 14 and understand how hard it is to deal with, even at an older age we grapple with grief as our society doesn't always do a great job of teaching us how to respond in it.  I can tell you this though, that while grief has a beginning but not an ending, it does not stay in the same intensity of pain forever, we do continue to love and miss them, but little by little we begin to adjust to the changes it means for our lives, even when we think that's unfathomable.  Wishing you some comfort...:wub:

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