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Hi. This is my first time using a blog. I am searching for anything to help me with my sadness over losing my 12 year old cat 3 weeks ago. I am particularly responding to the post from Shellbell7 because it sounds so much like what happened to my cat. His name was Rocky. I never felt so sad in my life over the loss of him. I am overwhelmed with thoughts of him and wanting to see him again and pet him again. I had him 12 years. He was black, long-haired, green eyes. He always came when I called him and always cuddled with me. He loved his belly being rubbed. He threw up a lot also. He got a lot of hairballs and I would take him to the vet to get check ups and he played and was happy. In December he got sick, stopped eating, and looked awful to me. He would hiss at my other cats who he previously was best friends with. I took him to the vet immediately when he wouldn't eat because he loved to eat. He was diagnosed with pancreatitis, but got a high fever and the vet said I should get him an ultrasound. This was over like a two week period. He got the ultrasound which showed that he had a large abcess or mass by his pancreas. I got a biopsy of it and they said it was not cancer. He started antibiotics and was acting more normal. He was better for like a week but in a lot of pain. I gave him pain meds and nausea meds and kept my hopes up. The vet said he would have to be on antibiotics for at least a month. We repeated the ultrasound two weeks later and although he was acting like he felt better the "mass" looked the same or larger. Then he started being in more pain and just lying around doing nothing. I felt so bad for him. It had been about 3 weeks now and I didn't know what to do. He was 12 and the vet told me surgery was not a good option because of where the mass was. He also said it could still be cancer, which was confusing to me. I thought we confirmed it wasn't?? I felt so bad for him. He was hiding a lot and just sleeping, not enjoying life. I didn't know what to do and I felt like he wasn't happy, and  all he knew was that he was in pain and didn't feel well. I decided to put him down. He would probably still be alive if I hadn't. It kills me inside. I wonder constantly if he would have gotten better had I held on another week. I loved him so much and I miss him so much. I see his little black face in my mind constantly. I also feel like I didn't get enough time with him. I wasn't done sharing my life with him. It's so not fair.

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I posted this yesterday morning and was surprised to see it wasn't here!  So here goes...

@shellbell7 I hope you will weigh in on this and update us on how you're doing.

@RjmI am so sorry for your loss.  I am glad you found this place though, although I wish we could have been here for you earlier.  The hardest decision I've ever made was when to put my Arlie to sleep (cancer)...Kitty was 25 and her kidneys/liver both shut down, it was time and no question about it.  But Arlie, my beautiful soulmate in a dog was only 11 1/2, he had cancer.  I didn't want to wait until he'd suffered more or couldn't walk or stopped eating, I believe he showed me when it was his time.  I pray you find some peace and comfort in your decision because it was made in his best interest.

Our animals are our life, they are our family, our companions, our best friends.  They know us best, they've made us their study.  It's natural that their death hits us harder than any other, especially if we're particularly close to them as I was to my Arlie.  Those of us here are the ones that sought out help because their death was so hard hitting.

I'd taken my Arlie in for a routine teeth cleaning and instead came away with a death sentence...cancer, inoperable, his liver already shutting down.  I had him for two month ten days after that.  Our cancer journey:  Living with Loss - Loss of a Pet
Euthanasia: The Merciful Release
Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers

I hope this short video brings you some comfort and peace as well...


 

 

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Thank you so much for these replies. I was afraid of not getting any replies or support. It is amazing how alone you feel after the love your life dies. Rocky was with me through so many changes in my life, including my divorce. I thought when I went through my divorce and my ex-husband left that I would never get over the lonliness, but this has been so much worse. Rocky was so perfect. He could do no wrong and I somehow thought he would just always be there. And then one day he was sick and not eating, while the day before he was playing and seemed fine. And then a month later he wasn't getting better and now he is gone. I have never missed anything so much. I long for him and cry over him daily. Last Tuesday it has been 3 weeks and I am slowly getting better, but then I feel guilty when I feel a bit better.  I made him a box and sometimes I talk with him, but it just makes me so sad. If I didn't have my other two cats I would be even more distraught. I also fear them dying now too. Anyways, I could probably go on forever. I just so appreciate the support and responses. I am so sorry for anyone who has greived over an animal, and I can't imagine now what grieving over the loss of a person would feel like. I have not gone through that yet, except my divorce. It is not at all the same. I wish the best recovery for kayc and shellbell7. Kayc, you have responded to almost everyone on this blog and this means so much. You seem very strong. And shellbell7 I wish to hear from you. I really feel for your loss. Rocky will always be my best friend. I would love to continue emailing or messaging anyone to give/get support and friendship through this. Thank you also Marty T for this blog and your support and articles. 

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Rjm, this knocks us to the core!  People can let us down, they're human, but dogs/cats are so pure of heart, never lied to us or hurt us, haven't been disloyal, they are steady as a rock, and to lose our perfect one, well that's just plain hard, no matter how you look at it.

It's normal to feel fear of loss after losing one such as this.  But we can't let it stop us from loving because a life without that is so lacking.

A friend of mine lost her husband and after a few years she met someone...they fell in love and he wanted her to move to TX to be with him, but she felt apprehension because she was afraid of loving and loss again.  I had a talk with her and she made the leap, they got married and now several years later she can't imagine life without him!  I'm so glad she made that leap, deciding to take the risk and love again!  What she would have missed if she'd settled for status quo.  I'm very happy for them, even though I miss her!

I kind of feel that way about my loss of Arlie too, he was my soulmate in a dog, my perfect dog!  I've had ten, but he was "the one!"  But after he died, a few months later my son brought me this adorable puppy, Kodie.  Kodie is nothing like Arlie, but he patiently worked on my heart and wriggled his way in, undaunted by my grief over Arlie.  I still love and miss Arlie and everything special he brought to my life, that is gone now, a tribute to how unique and special he was.  But Kodie has special qualities of his own and I'm so thankful he's my boy!  I can't imagine life without him now.  One big, one small...Arlie was golden retriever and husky, Kodie is Klee Kai, this was when I first got him, he looked like a little toy!30841313_KleeKaiAlaskanNanook.thumb.jpg.4efe298308cd8662409d39e804cf5ef1.jpg

 

Arlie running free XS.jpg

 

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Kayc. Thank you so much for tis reply. It helps me to know that you have been able to move on and love another dog, who looks very handsome  and adorable. I long for Rocky so much it is awful. Nobody was like he was to me. I feel myself moving ahead slowly, but it is so HARD, like you said. I just don't want to feel this sad anymore. I don't want this ache in my heart. I know it will get better with time and I know others have endured so much worst. I think losing a dog and a husband would be much, much worst. I can't imagine what you have been through. I admire you. 

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I am so sad today. It has been almost 4 weeks since I put Rocky down and sometimes I feel like I am not getting better. Yesterday I was cleaning and I became so sad because I was looking at the scratching posts and mice that Rocky used to love and use so much. I have one scratching post that he used to love to lay on and now it mostly sits empty. And I have these scratching pads that he used to love to use and I had to replace them often, but now they aren't used as much. My other two cats use these things and enjoy them, but not as much it seems. Oh how I long for his presence and long to hold him one last time. I have so much guilt for not having given him the attention or love he deserved while he was here. So many wasted years I could have had with him, and I gave my time to my worthless ex trying to make my marriage work only to be let down. Makes me feel like a terrible cat mom. I just want this all to get better and for my sadness to go away. I fear my other two cats getting old or sick and I fear being alone. I'm trying, but sometimes I don't know what to do.

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I don't think we ever "move on" from it, the love and missing them is still inside our hearts and souls, there is only learning to live with it.  Kodie doesn't replace Arlie in my heart, never will, my heart will always be his.  But I guess it's like having more than one child, you love them both but differently.  

I hear you on the longing to hold him.  About two weeks out, I was tempted to dig up Arlie and look at his sweet face one last time, it's good I didn't, it would not look the same.  But the longing was unbearable!

 

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