What is wrong with me?

[Amela]

Hello everyone!

My beloved father, rip, passed away suddenly exactly last month.  Ever since he passed,  I have been weird. I cycle between periods of crying,  sobbing,  getting just teary eyed,  or plain not feeling anything.  The latter bothers me the most because it lasts the longest  and makes me feel like I am betraying my father.  We were close, lived together,  have made great memories together.  He had been a fantastic father and  has sacrificed a lot for me.  So, why am I not feeling the pain,or anything? I was by his side when he died, for two days and nights,  without sleep,  I was glued to his hospital bed.  I begged him to wake up,  I held hope even when his death was staring me in the face. When his heart stopped,  I just quietly stared at him.  My father did not deserve this. I should be crying all the time.  I should be feeling the pain of this great loss. Yet,  I feel blocked.  Like something switched off and won't let me feel.  It's one of the most horrible things.  Worse yet, sometimes people make me laugh. I don't want to laugh. I want to truly mourn him. My father deserved at least that much.  

The only feeling that seems to be there is guilt and feeling horrible that I am responding to his death like this.  

What is wrong with me?

[MartyT]

Amela, my dear, I'm so sorry for your loss ~ but don't think there is anything wrong with you. Grief is unique to the person involved, even though certain aspects are the same for many of us. There can be many reasons why you're reacting as you are: your basic personality, your past experience with loss and what you were taught as a child about expressing sorrow, your relationship with your father, whatever support you have around you, and on and on. You don't say if you're working or in a situation where you feel compelled to "keep a lid on" your feelings or if you feel free to express whatever you may be feeling. It's also possible that you're still in somewhat of a state of shock and disbelief, finding it difficult to imagine a world without your father in it. Rather than passing judgment on yourself, you'd be wise to do some reading about the normal grief process, so you'll have a better idea of what tp expect in the weeks and months ahead and learn what you might try to better manage your own reactions. See, for example, In Grief: Feeling Disconnected From Feeling Bad and note the additional readings included there. 

[Amela]

Marty T, thank you.  I will definitely check out the links and readings.  I have had my share of losses in the past,  but no experience where I am unable to grieve/feel my loss. Our relationship,  as far as I remember,  have been good, we we are close, and loved each other so much as father and daughter.  Perhaps it is something subconscious,  or my brain is not ready for the sadness to come. I really don't know.  😢 but I will read the articles you mentioned.  Thank you. 

[kayc]

I agree with Marty, I've had grief support groups with people that also didn't feel anything or cry.  So long as you aren't purposely suppressing it, please don't worry about it, our timetables are all unique as well as how it comes out or affects us.   Sometimes it helps to memorialize them in some way, but the greatest honor we can pay our parents is how we live our lives.

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/02/parent-loss-continuing-their-song.html