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Hunter was LOVED


Hunter

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I wrote the below to my ex wife this morning as we got Hunter when we were married nearly 14 years ago.  Hunter was a 13.5 year old ruby Cavalier King Charles Spaniel.  She wasn't my choice, she was my ex-wife's but she eventually took my heart and then some    We had another Cavalier named Dancer, Dancer was my #1 for many years.  Dancer and Hunter were the best chapter of my life so far and I am having a very hard time closing that chapter.  I miss her dearly, I am not sure why but as I have gone through grief before as you will see below, the loss of Hunter has hit me especially hard.  The person I elude to below is still in this house and while her disease of alcoholism as gotten better, I still feel tremendous resentment towards her.

When I met my current, things were great- she had a rescue dog and everything was fine.  As the time went on, the alcoholism started to appear.   I removed Hunter from any yelling or craziness whenever her alcoholism got out of control and a dear friend of mine- also a white single guy late 40"s- would take Hunter and love her just as I did.  She had the best of both worlds- my friend lives 4 houses down and Hunter would even walk down when she wanted too.   The alcoholic would make it much worse by yelling at me and saying things about Hunter that were terrible and made me feel even worse- it was all the disease of alcoholism coming out and that was the easiest target of her words whenever the disease got to her.  I sheltered Hunter from all of this and made sure she did not witness any of it but in the same token I feel that those times were robbed from me and Hunter.   The alcoholic in this case consumes alchohol because of her own pain and chose to take it out in words and some actions against Hunter but directed towards me.  

I realized my errors and after Dancer made it a point to focus all of my attention towards the needs of Hunter.  I mean I thought about her 24/7 whether she was with me or not, calling my friend to see how she was doing, holding her whenver I could.  Every morning and every night I held her for an hour and would say I loved her in her ear and she would nuzzle my neck and pur.  I told her I loved her and she would always do that and bat her eyes.  I miss her so much 

I regret that I kept her in this house with Hunter and am ashamed as I feel that I did not give all the attention and certain times 5-7 years ago when I first met Jen and then in the preceding years had to get Hunter over to my friends when I did not want her in any sort of of bad atmosphere and I am mad now that the time was taken away in those instances.  I tried so hard to manage both needs of someone with a disease and a creature I loved dearly that also needed care giving.  I have a big heart and alot of patience and this gets me in trouble alot.  When Hunter was not with me she was getting the best love possible by my friend and that friend was also with Hunter when she passed with me.  He was just as much her owner over the last 5 years as I was over the last 13.5 years.  He has cried as much as I have, has not eaten, he is my best friend

I loved Hunter more than anything and after the accident with her sister Dancer I was determined to make sure Hunter was given the BEST life possible.   IN her later years she lounged wherever she wanted, snored loudly was with me every day all day long and I miss her so much.  I can sense her, the first night of her passing I swear I heard her bark as I tried to fall asleep in tears.  i swear I heard her bark.  I look for her, i see her in the same spots I can smell her in her room where her bed still his.  I weep

I am lost in this house where I started with Hunter and an ex and Dancer with an alcoholic that I am trying to save.  I now lost Hunter and I am so sad and broken and heart hurt and I am racking myself with guilt and shame.  There are way more good memories than bad however it is the bad ones that I am racking myself with guilt about.  Even recently when she would snore loudly in my office while i was on conference calls for work and I would get frustrated at her.  I feel so bad for even those instances whenever I would get frustrated or have to move her as she was snoring so loud.  I loved her so much

**************

I wanted to say these words but typing is just has hard.  I loved Dancer and Hunter more than anything and I know you did too.  I am devastated and can't eat or sleep much less live right now.
 
I need to do this as you are the only person that remembers the beginning.
 
It was good  beginning and those dogs were showered with love.  I have so many great memories.  I can't look at pictures yet I just cant.  We loved those dogs so much 
 
They always were showered with my love after you left I promise you   I protected the girls from anything and they were loved dearly.  They went everywhere with me I made sure of that always. 
 
The accident with Dancer was the worst day of my life and it was an accident.  A tragic accident that I blame myself for.  That guilt is in my heart even though it was an accident and I love with it every day  A piece of me died that day and on Friday another piece of me died with Hunter.  I would have done anything to make sure she went in peace.  Anything and she did.  It was perfect for Hunter she went to sleep.  I rack myself with guilt daily of Dancer and it is a pain in my heart that will never go away ever.  As soon as I die that is who I want to see and now Hunter.  I pray that happens
 
I got her on heart murmur medicine before her murmur was bad many years ago.  On her last day she was having problems breathing and she tried and tried but I could see it in her eyes that she was ready and I was not and I still am not and this fucjing sucks so bad.  
 
I mad the decision at 5pm to go. She was brought in and evaluated.  The Dr said it was the best thing and her heart was failing.. SHE HAD SUCH S BIG HEART. SHE ALWAYS DID. I told her I loved her the whole time in her ear and she simply went to sleep ,the thing she was trying to do the whole day but couldn't because she couldn't breathe. So she finally is at peace and she could and it was very sad and very perfect for such a sweet little girl
 
Hunter was everything to me.  I adored her especially after the accident.  Erv and I took such good care of Hunter she was very very loved.  I am grieving deeply and have shed more tears for her and will forever.  I still do every day when I think of Dancer. But Hunter was different and so precious 
.
I am ashamed of anything I did to bring pain to you or those wonderful dogs of ours.  I will forever be grateful to you for picking out Hunter I remember that day.  I remember bringing her into the family room to meet Dancer. I remember it all 
 
My memories are a book in my head and Hunter and Dancer were the best chapters in my life and I think will be the highlights of my life.  I know they are the highlights of my life and will be.  They were everything to me
 
I am sorry for the pain this or I caused.  
 
I wanted you to know all of this I am sorry

 

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I am so sorry for your loss.  Your beautiful dog looks so very sweet!  Most Cavaliers don't have a long life span so you must have taken very good care of her!  I'm sure all of the love helped.  

http://www.griefhealing.com/comfort-grieving-animal-lovers.htm

I just read this not one minute ago, and as you said you're struggling with it, I wanted to list it for you.  Keep in mind, though, that staying in a toxic environment is not helpful to your mental state, albeit commendable to want to save her.  I urge you to attend Al-Anon for support and clarity.  (Yes, I've had alcoholics in my life, so been there, but do not choose to again!)  If nothing else, they might have some pointers for how to handle situations you find yourself in.  ;)

https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/forgiveness/art-20047692

I hope this brings you some peace and comfort to your hurting heart...

 

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