My girlfriend is grieving and I don't know what to do

[Anhid]

Hi there,

 

My name is Sarah, I'm 22 years old and currently dating a wonderful girl. We are in a long distance relationship right now, she lives in the UK and I live in France (I apologize if there's any mistake, english is not my first language). We've been dating for 8 months (but in love for a years, more or less) and have a strong relationship. 

 

Let me explain the context of the situation. These past few months, my girlfriend has been having bad dreams, about death or losing someone close to her. I tried to reassure her whenever something like this happened but death is her biggest fear and it often triggered panic attacks, understandably. 

Unfortunately, she lost her grandmother a week ago, on thursday, unexpectedly. She was the person she loved the most. My girlfriend is usually pessimistic about herself and is extremely negative about life in general, which doesn't help at all. We were in a middle of an argument when she died, and I didn't know about it until Friday night, when I sent her a message against my will (because I thought I wasn't in fault) and she replied to me, telling me what was going on. She sounded panicked and lost, not herself at all, constantly saying "I can't do it" and saying it was her fault. I tried to be there as much as I can, but she stopped replying last Sunday. It's been a week, and I have no update from her side (she also told me she needed time and space). I want to trust her, I want to give her what she asked but it's really hard for me since being abandonned is one of my biggest fears too, I feel like she gave up on me already. I know it sounds extremely selfish of me, I know I shouldn't take it personally, that she is grieving so it's normal for her to take time for herself, to be with her family, to accept the loss of her grand mother, but I also can't ignore my feelings and I'm actually terrified.

I've never dealt with these kinds of things before, so I didn't try to pretend I understand her pain, and I still don't know how I should act especially because she is pushing me away (not only me though, before disappearing, she told me she can't talk to anyone without panicking and she told me all she is doing is cry since she found out). I can't reach out to her, when I try to call her she doesn't reply, my messages are left unread... I basically don't know if she is still alive. It has never happened before, we always talk and there's not a day where we don't talk, so it's actually the first time it's happening.

I know things will never be the same again, she, herself, told me she will never be the same again and I'm ready to support her as much as I can, to be patient, to be understanding. I tried to educate myself a lot on grief and how a partner should act to support their loved one. But how am I supposed to support her if she doesn't even read my messages ? I know everyone has their own way to grieve, but I have so many questions... I don't know what to do.

Do you think she will come back to me one day ? I know it's still recent, so I'm trying not to worry a lot. However, I talked to my therapist and my mom who both told me that it isn't normal. Some of my friends told me it is, she just needs time... But I don't know what to think. 

I'm scared that she'll leave me alone and give up on me when I just want to be there for her, I'm scared to wait again and again without any update from her side, because I won't be able to move on if I don't even know if she still wants me in her life... 

I'm terrified, I don't know if I should still have hope for us or not, if she still wants me in her life or not. I'm scared that she'll leave me alone because she has a big guilt complex and she always says she doesn't deserve me, things like this, and I know she will feel guilty for leaving me alone during these times...

I'm scared that grief will change her to the point she will reflect on herself and won't want to handle a relationship, even if our relationship was strong before.

 

Can you help me, please ?

Thank you.

[BaxterBurg]

Hi Sarah,

I'm very sorry that you're going through this, and I understand how it feels that grief--something outside of your control--came in the way of your relationship. Sadly, many can't handle grieving and maintaining a relationship at he same time, and as you describe your girlfriends reaction she seems to be one of those people. Don't take her reaction personally. How your girlfriend is reacting reminds me of what my ex-girlfriend said to me a while back. She use to tell me how scared she was, and also about the lingering nightmares and intrusive thoughts of what had happened.

I understand the anxiety and heart break you must be feeling. Don't be hard on yourself for how you are reacting to this, you have feelings, and a loss of a relationship is a form of grieving in and of itself. For me personally it was harder than any death I had experienced in my life. I also understand that you want to do anything for her, and I felt the same way; But sadly she has chosen to deal with this by herself and its not fair for you to have to wait on the sidelines while she does. I stayed around with my ex for a month after the break up and all it did was push me to the breaking point and prolong my healing. There is no guarantee that she will come back when she does figure herself out, if she ever does, so its best that you put your own healing first, as she has with her own. If you read many of the stories here, it is very unlikely that things will work out again. I'm sorry. I do hope this isn't the case, but it's something to consider.

Its best for both of you to cease contact. She seems to need time alone, and you need time to recover from this painful experience. She will most likely perceive your calls and texts as pressure, especially if she asked for space/time; and Hope will only prolong your pain: every dose of it keeps you addicted, and love is an addiction. I know this is hard and very scary, but try your best to distract yourself, this situation is out of your control. I know all too well that your world seems like its collapsing around you right now, but coming from someone who recently went through what you are right now (long distance included), it does get better, but No Contact is the key.

Some of the other members may be able to give you better advice,

Take care.

[GulfP]

Hi Sarah,

 

I'm so sorry that you've fallen into this situation. As Baxter says, it's a common grief response to push people away and deal with it alone. Unfortunately to those in a relationship, it's something that will affect the relationship one way or another. It's important that you don't take it personally though, because she's not the one making the decisions, but her grief itself. The only thing that you can do is to respect her wishes, as doing anything other than that will push her away even more by adding even more pressure.

I'll be honest with you, the next few months are going to be tough, regardless if you end up breaking up or not. Personally speaking, my ex unexpectedly lost her mother and we stayed together for 8 more months after that. I actually found out her mother passed away before her, and I was also desperate trying to learn how to help my partner cope with grief. I found this same forum the day she passed away, and was shocked to see all the negative outcomes. I thought I was in a different situation though as our relationship was extremely strong and healthy, but I unfortunately saw her falling even deeper into depression, up until the point of the break up 8 months later.

You're going to start doubting yourself, thinking that you could do better, that you're failing her, etc. Please don't fall into that loophole. There's nothing that you can do to help them feel better, not even a perfect partner. The only thing that can stop their pain is to have their lost one back, and that won't happen. However, if she lets you, distract her and try to be as supportive as possible.

Please make sure to look after yourself too. It's easy to replicate your partner's emotions, and that will bring you down pretty easily. Don't feel guilty if you're happy and she's not. Especially now you have to be as emotionally strong as you'll ever be.

We're always here for you, you're not alone.

[Anhid]

Hi again,

 

Thank you both for replying to me. Unfortunately she just broke up with me. I was expecting it, I was getting ready for it but I’m still... shocked. I feel numb from crying and I don’t have emotions left in me anymore. I don’t understand how everything happened. She told me she lost everything, her family, her education and herself and now me. But I told her it was her choice to break up with me. I don’t think I will ever understand her choice especially because she said she will always love me and she will never lose feelings for me. I don’t understand why she chose to give up on me while I’ve always been there for her before and I told her I was going to support her through everything. I know she has a big guilt complex and this is basically because of that that we broke up. Because according to her, I deserve better than her. It makes me so mad because it wasn’t her place to say that, it was my decision to make, not hers. The next weeks and months are going to be hard for me as I will struggle with this heartbreak for a long time, I really thought she was the love of my life. I’m devastated, really

[GulfP]

I'm so sorry Sarah.

 

For what it's worth, she might be just as confused as you are. People going through grief are simply overwhelmed and a good share of them just throw off the towel as to release anything that might bring stress in the future. My ex also told me that she loved me but that I deserved better. Apparently some people want their grief to be very personal, and don't want to share it with anybody else either. Again, I believe this is not them making the decisions, but the grief itself. Oh and also, this is not your fault.

This is a good opportunity to work on yourself and become an even better person. I know it's hard to think of a future without her, but sooner or later you will have to come to the realization of it and that you don't need a specific person to achieve your best self. Always love yourself more than any one else!

If you both chose to stay in touch, I'd suggest giving her space either way. She needs time to figure herself out and texting/calling her will just add more pressure IMO.

 

Feel free to send me a message if you feel like talking. You've got this!

[BaxterBurg]

So sorry to hear of this latest development. It took a month and a half for my ex to finally break it off, but nevertheless it was still a shock even though I saw it coming. I also felt she was the love of my life, but remember that someone who breaks up with you during grief is not someone you can trust to be a long term partner. Life has lots of ups and downs and grief is unavoidable. I know this isn't what you want to hear right now, but this would have happened eventually, it was only a matter of time.

I agree with Gulf, it's very possible they don't understand themselves right now. Don't take her reactions personally; for people like your girlfriend, they just don't have anything to give in terms of a relationship. It really is her and not you.

Take care.

[Anhid]

Thank you.

 

The thing is... There were a lot of things she said that didn't make sense, and I don't understand why. She said she loves me, that she wants to get better for me, she is also convinced we are soulmates and that we will find each other again.

But on the other hand, she also said she feels likes she doesn't deserve me, she said she can't make me wait for her anymore because she knows it's one of my biggest fears. She's basically pushing away everyone she loves and she sounded really panicked and.. I don't want her to do anything silly, if you know what I mean.

What should I do ? We already said goodbye to each other (something that was.. really painful, to say the least). I feel like I should respect her choice, yet at the same time I'm so worried that I can't let her down and be alone during these times. I'm really confused... I read that it is a normal reaction for people who are grieving, they almost always push people away, but some people stay, and some people don't. I know it's not her who's talking but her grief, I understand that. But I'm still really worried, she has no one at the moment. I don't know if I should send her a message.

[kayc]

16 hours ago, Anhid said:

But how am I supposed to support her if she doesn't even read my messages ?

You can't, I'm sorry.  You can't control the outcome, you can't make her reach out to you or accept your love.  Unfortunately, a certain segment of people seem to push their partner away in grief, and this seems to be her way.  It's nothing to do with your love, it has everything to do with her feeling depleted and having nothing to give the relationship or you, which in turn can make her feel guilty, so they break it off, usually starting by "taking space."  You can't control this.  I know all of this is really hard for you to hear and you may reject my words...I encourage you to continue coming here anyway, as we want to be here for you through this.  It's so hard to get blindsided by all this.  It's unfortunate that you were having an argument when this happened but it really doesn't have bearing on it, so I hope you can let yourself off the hook where that's concerned.  We all argue.  Normally in a relationship we can withstand it...what we can't withstand is walking on eggshells for life so let go of that consideration.

There is no 1-2-3 step way to "get her back."  If there was, we all would have found it by now!  Going no contact is advised as the way to healing and clarity and serves both of you.  I know my words will likely be rejected as this is a process it will take you time too realize on your own.  But keep it tucked away in your mind anyway as you will revisit this eventually.  

I know you are worried about her, I understand that, I did too when my fiance broke up with me when his mom was dying.  But this is her choice of how to handle things, so she has to own it, not you.  I also know you are feeling panicked about losing her, oh believe me, I get that!  I felt the same.  We go through a whole metamorphosis of feelings in this journey as written here:

This is my story: Here I Go Again

[GulfP]

Your situation sounds very similar to mine. My ex told me all these good things but at the same time was breaking up with me. It was obvious that by the end the relationship became pretty one-sided, and no matter how hard we try, our partner needs to put on some effort as well, which was not my case at least.

According to my ex, she would wake up every morning wanting to do things with me, but at the same time had to work, study, help her dad, etc. and those latter ones were her priority. She told me she had this constant pressure that she was not contributing enough to the relationship and that was messing with her, so she realized she was not in a position to continue doing that. This also led to her saying ''you deserve so much better'', ''I don't know how I'm going to be in a month or year from now, and it's not fair for you to wait until I get better'', and other things. I wanted to be there for her no matter what, and was ready to keep on helping her for years to come, but unfortunately it was not my choice to make.

Sarah, if your GF decided to break up it's because she needs to have her own space. The only thing you can do is to respect her wishes, otherwise you'll push her away even more. I know how much you want to be there for her, but the decision is made and we must respect it. I don't think you have to go strictly no contact though. You can check up on her once every one or two weeks maybe, so she at least feels she has someone out there. However, I wouldn't suggest talking to her often, as that will just keep adding pressure to the situation and push her away. Be careful if you decide to stay in touch though, do it only if you know it will not affect your healing. If you feel like talking to her is affecting you, then I'd suggest starting no contact ASAP.

The first few weeks were the worst for me. I was desperate to get her back and would not sleep or be productive during the day. It's okay to feel bad, cry, hit your pillows, or whatever helps you release your emotions. But please do keep in mind that you need to practice self-care in order to eventually get out of this one. Work out, do things you couldn't do when you were dating your ex, find hobbies, go out for walks, take yourself on a date and eat your favorite food, dress nicely even if staying at home, etc. This is an opportunity for you to get to know and love yourself in a deeper sense.

Just one last thing. Whatever you decide to do in handling the break up, do it for you, and not for your ex.

[Anhid]

I would like to stop contacting her, I know it's better for us. But I forgot to say that she is really negative about herself, and she is depressed, she told me she didn't want to be here anymore. It's not only "grieving", she also losing herself in the process. I know she won't recover from this without seeking help, and I'm not sure she will do it. She told me she needed help, she told me she didn't know what to do, she is lost and powerless. She stopped eating, she stopped caring about herself, she's basically staying in bed to cry. I'm scared that she'll end up doing something silly... I'm scared that she will try to end her life, as she seems very vulnerable right now and as I said, she has no one left with her. 

She ended up deactivating her social medias too, and said goodbye to her friends. She cut off the people who were there for her and as much as I understand that it's a common reaction for grieving people, I just can't help being extremely worried.

[MartyT]

I'm hoping you'll find some useful information in this article (including links to additional resources): In Grief: When A Loved One Shares Thoughts of Suicide  ❤️

[GulfP]

If you strongly believe she may be a danger to herself, maybe try to contact one of her family members to check up on her. However, I can't help much since I'm not an expert. Definitely read Marty's article.

What I can say though is that the first few weeks after the death of a loved one are extremely painful. My ex at least also stopped answering texts and disconnected herself from society because everyone and everything would remind her of her mother. She only spoke to her family and me (her and I lived together).

[kayc]

I agree with the advice given here except I do believe it in your best interest to go "no contact" asap.  (I do know how hard that is at first!)  You are not responsible for her, she has broken up with you, I agree with Marty and would contact a family member who can take it from there, the authorities if you think she truly is likely to act on it, and it's hard to know ahead of time, I've lost someone I knew all their life, to suicide.  He didn't talk about it, he just did it.

In addition to the article Marty posted, please see the links at the end of the article as well.

[Anhid]

Hi there, 
Sorry for the late reply !

She broke up with me on monday but our conversation felt rushed. She didn't make any sense, saying things like "I don't want to lose you" "I love you always" "I know you are my soulmate" or "I will get better for you soon" so she didn't give me closure at all especially because she couldn't stop saying that she "doesn't deserve me" or "I can't make you wait", or even "I never treated you right" and I still hope for her to come back to me. Also, she didn't say "I don't want to be in a relationship right now" or something close to that, she only said "I know it feels wrong, but it's right" so it makes me think that she made this decision without thinking about it first, because her pain made her blind. Honestly, knowing her, I know her choice was irrational. I think she needs time away from everything and everyone at the moment, something I'm willing to respect. I still sent her a last message after our conversation (because I said things I regreted afterwards) and told her I was here for her and I would check up on her from time to time, even if she doesn't see my message. One of our common friends told me there's hope, but I wouldn't have too much expectations right now. What's your opinion about it ?

This situation really destroyed me and my mental health honestly, and I don't know if I'll be able to forgive her one day. Maybe it's not about me, but the way she handled things wasn't right. She made it about ME when it was HER choice, which leads me to think it was my fault because I gave her too much love. Don't know if that makes sense ahah. I'm not okay, I know I am not, but I will do my best to heal and I hope she does the same because she told me she needs help, I hope she's getting the help and support she deserves. And maybe, in a few months, when we both are ready, we can start off as friends again.

[GulfP]

Hey Sarah,

Unfortunately it's gonna be very hard to get closure from her. She sounds very confused and overwhelmed as you said but what matters is what happened, and that is that she broke up with you. Regardless of what was said before or after that, she made the decision to break it up and that's the clearest thing you'll get in this process. The rest will need to come from you, and getting closure on your own will be very hard. I myself still struggle to do that after 2 months, but I have done great progress and don't plan on stopping anytime soon.

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I think she needs time away from everything and everyone at the moment, something I'm willing to respect.

I agree. She needs her own space to process her thoughts and organize her life again. Life after the death of a loved one can be so chaotic from what I've seen. Maybe take this opportunity to stay in no contact for a while, that way you can process your thoughts as well and look back at this break up with a clearer mind. Remember that you are also grieving, so it's important that you take care of yourself.

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This situation really destroyed me and my mental health honestly, and I don't know if I'll be able to forgive her one day.

It's okay to be devastated and angry. Don't block any of the emotions that you're feeling, they're all natural and there's no wrong way to feel honestly. Take your time and be easy on yourself. Love yourself.
I do believe though that in order to fully move on we need to forgive our exes eventually. Otherwise they're going to become baggage to carry in our future relationships. That comes naturally I think, and as we start de attaching ourselves from them, it becomes easier to just let go. This is just my opinion.

 

[Anhid]

Yes, I know how she is and it seemed like she was lost and overwhelmed by what happened, something I can understand completely. But I can't help but tell myself that she'll come back to me one day, when she feels better. I don't really understand why she would say things like "I'll get better for you" if it wasn't for her to come back ? I'm really confused. 

I think I am just going to wait for her to reply to my message. It's hard because I would like to know how she's doing, if she's getting help, if she's eating properly... I don't think she will ignore me or anything, but I'm sure she's staying away from her phone right now, she's the kind of person to do that and stay alone when she's sad.

Our relationship was really unique. I was her first love, she was mine. We had a strong bond and... yes, I'm full of hopes. Maybe I shouldn't, but I can't help it. 

[GulfP]

I understand what you're feeling completely. I'm not going to tell you to let go of any hope and simply move on. You are the only one that truly knows the relationship you had and I am in no position to tell you otherwise. What I can suggest though is that you focus on you and only yourself for now. Keep working on your goals, studies, work, whatever it is that drives you to be a better person. Don't just simply be enslaved by the hope.

My ex also told me similar things and it's hard to let it go. However, after a solid month of (consciously or unconsciously) trying to get her back, I realized holding on to that hope was hurting me and affecting my daily life. The same day I realized that, I went to her house and dropped the last few things I had from her. It felt so wrong but a few weeks after I started feeling better and more free.

What I'm trying to say is that it's okay to have hope, but it's important to note that that will come with pain, sleepless nights, anxiety, and many other awful emotions. At least that was my case, but still wanted to give you a heads up.

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best!

[Anhid]

Thank you so much for your message !

It's so hard to focus on myself, though. I'm not used to being considerate with myself, it's actually the opposite. I'm used to living through others and give myself entirely to the person I love, something I shouldn't do, but it's just how I am. So now I feel completely devastated and I don't know how I am going to move on. I know time is a great healer, but I also know this situation will give me some major traumas as a result...

I'm not scared of waiting for her to heal, honestly, even if it means waiting for a few months. As long as we both work on ourselves, I know things can work out. But you're right, holding on the tiny hope she gave me isn't healthy either, I will try not to have too much expectation from her. 

Thank you again, it's so nice to feel heard and understood here.

[GulfP]

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It's so hard to focus on myself, though. I'm not used to being considerate with myself, it's actually the opposite. I'm used to living through others and give myself entirely to the person I love, something I shouldn't do, but it's just how I am. So now I feel completely devastated and I don't know how I am going to move on.

Even the toughest times brings us things to learn from. It's good that you have acknowledged that you have some issues that you have to work on. A break up will reveal a lot of things that we didn't know about ourselves, which will help us massively to become a better person and partner in the future. It's important, for example, to always love yourself more than anything else. You'll notice that you have everything that is needed to be a complete, happy, confident person.

If you do decide to hold on to that hope, keep low expectations as you said and take care of yourself. If you'd want her to come back, you'd want her to see you happy and stable. Same thing goes for you I suppose, you'd want to see her in a much better position than she is right now.

Also, if in the healing process you realize that it may not be a great idea to get back together, then don't feel guilty to fully move on.

[BaxterBurg]

1 hour ago, Anhid said:

but I also know this situation will give me some major traumas as a result

Maybe, but usually it's not about what these situations do to us, it's more how we let them affect us. This can also be an opportunity for growth rather than something that holds us back. Try to keep that perspective; seeing it as a trauma and focusing on the negatives can actually make it one. Our most significant development comes from our hardships - don't let it break you. 

It's going to be a hard process, it takes work to get over, and I still have my tough days; but it does get better. 

1 hour ago, Anhid said:

I'm not scared of waiting for her to heal, honestly, even if it means waiting for a few months. As long as we both work on ourselves, I know things can work out. But you're right, holding on the tiny hope she gave me isn't healthy either, I will try not to have too much expectation from her. 

I held on to this hope too, and my ex gave me every reason to expect it; However, 1 month turned into 2, 2 turned into 3, and so on. I hope your situation is different, but like you say, don't hold on to any expectations. 

Also, if you read many of the posts on the board, it's common for grievers to send mixed messages. They just can't do a relationship right now, and for whatever reason they rarely come back. 

Take care. 

[kayc]

16 hours ago, Anhid said:

She broke up with me on monday but our conversation felt rushed. She didn't make any sense, saying things like "I don't want to lose you" "I love you always" "I know you are my soulmate" or "I will get better for you soon" so she didn't give me closure at all

Sounds like a griever's crazy talk.  She can't have it both ways.  You can go no contact to begin your own healing or you can ask for clarification...realizing, however, you won't likely get it, you'll get "mixed message jargon."  She's all over the place, doesn't know her own mind.  BUT she broke up with you!  My ex-fiance was all over the place after several months no contact and I realized I had to let him go for my own peace of mind, I could NOT allow him to yank me around emotionally!  So I took everything he said with a grain of salt and KNEW NOT TO COUNT ON ANYTHING HE SAID AS HE DIDN'T KNOW HIS OWN MIND!  That said, it's been 10 1/2 years and he's never attempted to get me back and has had his XW living with him the last couple of years.  He says they're not a couple yada yada yada...I wonder if SHE knows that!  When they get to this neverneverland you can't count on anything they say and you're wise to realize it!

I realize the ending of a relationship is usually a PROCESS, not always nice and neat with closure...sometimes we have to create our OWN closure in absence of it from them.  While harder to do, we can do it, I have.  The REASON for the breakup need not enter in, the FACT of the breakup speaks loud and clear.  I want a partner who will go the mile with me, through thick and thin, not give me drama and breakup when things get tough or they grieve...the fact is, life holds tough things in store, loss among them, it's not IF, it's WHEN.  

Here is my story and processing of the ending of our relationship...

 

 

[Anhid]

Hm yes sure, she did. But she also said she will get better for me. As I said, our relationship was pretty unique and it’s always hard to let go of a first love. I know it was her grief talking but I doubt she didn’t know her own mind as our conversation was rushed and she didn’t realize what she was doing at that time. That’s why I said, maybe in a few months, when she feels better and has a clearer mind, she will come back to me. Not as a potential lover, but just as a friend. She owes me an apology for what she has done to me anyway. Grief or not, it’s not an excuse. Also, she didn’t tell me she didn’t want to be in a relationship right now. She was under appreciating herself and told me she doesn’t deserve me. Things like this. That’s why it’s hard for me to know what’s going on exactly, if she needs time alone or if she’s already gone forever.

[BaxterBurg]

19 minutes ago, Anhid said:

Hm yes sure, she did. But she also said she will get better for me. As I said, our relationship was pretty unique and it’s always hard to let go of a first love. I know it was her grief talking but I doubt she didn’t know her own mind as our conversation was rushed and she didn’t realize what she was doing at that time. That’s why I said, maybe in a few months, when she feels better and has a clearer mind, she will come back to me. Not as a potential lover, but just as a friend. She owes me an apology for what she has done to me anyway. Grief or not, it’s not an excuse. Also, she didn’t tell me she didn’t want to be in a relationship right now. She was under appreciating herself and told me she doesn’t deserve me. Things like this. That’s why it’s hard for me to know what’s going on exactly, if she needs time alone or if she’s already gone forever.

It's a very difficult situation. My ex said "there is no reason to not want to be with me", and "maybe the feelings will come back", and that she doesn't know if we have a future or not. She also agreed to discuss it in 1-3 months, but the one time I reached out she said "I don't want to talk about it right now", but I'm pretty sure she's seeing someone else already. 

Hopefully she does come back as a friend, but often there seems to be too much guilt. And trust me, I thought our relationship was unique and special too. 

25 minutes ago, Anhid said:

She was under appreciating herself and told me she doesn’t deserve me.

It's difficult to know what these things mean, it's best to take it with a grain of salt, grief or not. I think my ex was too much of a coward to tell me straight up that it was over for good, and these can be ways to assuage the guilt they feel for breaking up with someone good. 

[Anhid]

I agree with you, there’s too much guilt but it’s not something new. I tried to tell myself that she’s just using it as an excuse to break up with me but it doesn’t make any sense since she’s always been like this. She’s always felt like she was lacking in our relationship (something not true at all) and I think something must have triggered her and convinced her that it was her fault to make me wait for her like this. Oh ! And I forgot to say that she thinks the death of her grandmother was her fault because she’s been dreaming of losing someone close to her for 6 months straight. Well, I think her grief and her pain made her feel like it was too much for hear to bear. Also, she didn’t tell me « maybe the feelings will come back » she told me the opposite : « if you think my feelings for you will ever fade away, then you have no idea just how much I love you » which is why I’m pretty confused...? 

[BaxterBurg]

28 minutes ago, Anhid said:

I agree with you, there’s too much guilt but it’s not something new. I tried to tell myself that she’s just using it as an excuse to break up with me but it doesn’t make any sense since she’s always been like this. She’s always felt like she was lacking in our relationship (something not true at all) and I think something must have triggered her and convinced her that it was her fault to make me wait for her like this. Oh ! And I forgot to say that she thinks the death of her grandmother was her fault because she’s been dreaming of losing someone close to her for 6 months straight. Well, I think her grief and her pain made her feel like it was too much for hear to bear. Also, she didn’t tell me « maybe the feelings will come back » she told me the opposite : « if you think my feelings for you will ever fade away, then you have no idea just how much I love you » which is why I’m pretty confused...? 

Yeah, its very confusing. Seems like she has some issues she needs to figure out, and unfortunately she's chosen to do that alone. Try your best to not ruminate on it. I use to walk back and fourth for hours a day just trying to figure this stuff out, it's torturous and draining. I know it's hard but please don't do that.