My girlfriend is grieving and I don't know what to do

[Anhid]

I will leave her alone (I have no choice anyway, she turned her notifications off and I’m sure she doesn’t even look at her phone) but the message I sent is waiting for her and when she’s ready, we will be able to talk. I don’t know if I should be positive about the outcome or not. I’m not going to lie to myself, as long as we both have issues to work on, I don’t want a relationship with her again. That’s why I was talking about starting off as friend. 
The fact that she has chosen to work on herself alone doesn’t bother me at all; in fact, it’s actually the best choice she made. She knows she needs help, and I hope she’s getting the support she needs. 
I really want to know if she’ll come back one day

[GulfP]

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I will leave her alone (I have no choice anyway, she turned her notifications off and I’m sure she doesn’t even look at her phone) but the message I sent is waiting for her and when she’s ready, we will be able to talk.

Sounds like a plan. It's okay to worry about her and think of her often, just don't let it control your day. Get out there and do things you love and be confident that she's working on fixing herself. I also decided not to get back with my ex unless we both have worked on our issues (if the possibility existed), because if we didn't, we would break up all over again most probably. Hopefully after this cooling off period we can still remain friends, but it's up to her honestly.

I'm close to hitting the 2 month mark and I'm feeling a million times better than I did a month ago, or even a couple of weeks ago. Actually, I'm feeling better than I felt right before the break up, as I felt it was coming and my anxiety was through the roof. My confidence levels are getting back to their normal values, my self-love is through the roof, and all of the issues that I've noted I had, are being worked on. It's going to be a tough road ahead, but be kind and patient to yourself.

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I really want to know if she’ll come back one day

I understand this feeling. I want to know too, but there's no way to know for sure. Be ok with the idea of her not coming back though, and focus on yourself for now.

[Anhid]

Thank you for your message. It really helps me. 
 

She told me herself that she doesn’t know how many time she needs to heal but I’m confident she’s getting help. She’s always been reluctant to get help, so I don’t really know about that but I hope she’s okay. I’m glad to see I’m not the only one in this situation and I’m willing to wait for her if she still wants me in her life. 
I will probably feel better too, but it’s still hard for me to look forward to a future without her, especially because she didn’t give me any closure at all and I’m that kind of person who needs to know if something is over or not. It’s weird because I just can’t comprehend the fact that she might not come back. She deactivated all her social medias, she can’t hang out because of the lockdown, she doesn’t have a job, she has online classes so she has to stay home... I mean, how is she going to move on? You probably don’t have the answer to this question ahah, I’m sorry. I just feel like rambling here because I have so many questions, it makes me really confused 

[BaxterBurg]

56 minutes ago, Anhid said:

I will probably feel better too, but it’s still hard for me to look forward to a future without her, especially because she didn’t give me any closure at all and I’m that kind of person who needs to know if something is over or not.

Unfortunately relationships seems to rarely end with the closure we desire. I wish my ex would give me closure as well and I occasionally give my self hope that she will come back. It gives me a quick high but then a really bad low. Closure usually has to come from within. 

 

[GulfP]

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I’m willing to wait for her if she still wants me in her life. 
I will probably feel better too, but it’s still hard for me to look forward to a future without her

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It’s weird because I just can’t comprehend the fact that she might not come back.

It's okay! Everything that you are feeling right now is normal and expected. I felt it and actually still feel it too. Do what you believe is right, just try not to obsess on the idea of her coming back. I know it's hard and it hurts like crazy, but it's a process that will end at some point.

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She deactivated all her social medias, she can’t hang out because of the lockdown, she doesn’t have a job, she has online classes so she has to stay home... I mean, how is she going to move on?

I feel you. Loosing someone in this pandemic is especially hard. My ex watched her mother's funeral through Facetime 2000 miles away from her family, with no way of traveling due to the restrictions. It was just her and I, in lock down, watching a screen. It felt so surreal.

The weird thing with us humans though is that we adapt. We find anything to make us feel ''safe'' or ''at home'', and once we find those, they become our little personal peaceful space. I imagine this is all very hard for her (and for you too), but she will eventually find her way to her safe space where she can process what's going on.

[Anhid]

I’m so sorry, this must have been really hard, for both of you.

 

I have no idea how she dealt with the funerals, she didn’t talk about it at all and I didn’t want to talk about it either. But what I mean is... I used to be her « safe place ». I’m actually worried about her because she can’t do anything she likes to distract herself, I know all she can do is cry and stay in bed which is not healthy at all. She’s not the kind of person to recover quickly and since she has nothing left... I’m scared for her. She told me herself that she has lost everything : her family, herself, her education, and me. I don’t know if that makes any sense but the way she talked to me before leaving was kinda weird. It felt like her whole life has stopped, just like this... as if she had no future awaiting for her ? Maybe that was the shock of the situation but I know how she is and this is really worrying. 

[BaxterBurg]

3 hours ago, Anhid said:

I’m so sorry, this must have been really hard, for both of you.

 

I have no idea how she dealt with the funerals, she didn’t talk about it at all and I didn’t want to talk about it either. But what I mean is... I used to be her « safe place ». I’m actually worried about her because she can’t do anything she likes to distract herself, I know all she can do is cry and stay in bed which is not healthy at all. She’s not the kind of person to recover quickly and since she has nothing left... I’m scared for her. She told me herself that she has lost everything : her family, herself, her education, and me. I don’t know if that makes any sense but the way she talked to me before leaving was kinda weird. It felt like her whole life has stopped, just like this... as if she had no future awaiting for her ? Maybe that was the shock of the situation but I know how she is and this is really worrying. 

You were put in a tough spot, and trust me, I understand your worry and concern for her. I always thought I was my ex's safe place too, I'm not sure if I ever was; But all I can recommend is that you do your best to distract yourself - It seems this situation is out of your control. I'm sorry, and I know that feels practically impossible right now. I'll let the other members give you better advice. Take care.

[GulfP]

Hey Sarah,

 

As I said it's okay to worry about her. It's natural. You care about her and her well-being. Unfortunately, as she chose to do this alone, you will have to respect that and give her space. I believe what she needs right now, more than a distraction, is to sit down on her own and think of what's going on. Even if you were still there for her, I bet everything would be extremely overwhelming that she might just want to not do anything and cry, which is totally ok too! My ex and I both stayed in the house for a month before I convinced her to go out and pick up some food to go. Within this month she would barely answer to anyone other than her close family.

I know that you're scared, worried, and want to desperately know how she's doing or if she's taking care of herself. But what she needs right now before anything else is some space. Her grief is extremely personal, and doing anything contrary to what she wants is just going to push her away even more and probably bring her more stress. There is no wrong way to grief either, she's doing what her mind needs right now.

Again, take this opportunity to do things to improve yourself. A break up will always uncover some issues we have, especially if it's the first one. Start analyzing your thoughts and think of why you are having them. I found out I was co-dependent for example, and it was affecting my mental health in a BIG way. I'm currently working on improving that aspect of myself and already feel much better!

Also, it's easy to let the day pass when you're constantly thinking of your ex. Worrying about her will drain your energy BIG time, so be sure to separate some time for yourself too please.

[kayc]

On 3/22/2021 at 3:42 PM, Anhid said:

how is she going to move on?

You really don't move on from grief, you learn to live with it.    It's a long process. 
Grief Process
Helping Another in Grief
Help Partner Through Grief
 

On 3/22/2021 at 4:42 PM, BaxterBurg said:

Closure usually has to come from within.

 

I agree with this statement, so hard with unanswered questions, but we can do it...but then I read this post:

Why Our Need for Closure Makes Us Selfish | The Huffington Post

[BaxterBurg]

1 hour ago, kayc said:

I agree with this statement, so hard with unanswered questions, but we can do it...but then I read this post:

Why Our Need for Closure Makes Us Selfish | The Huffington Post

I can agree with this, but its definitely selfish on the dumper's part to not give the dumpee a clean break when it comes to the future of a relationship. I think so anyway--particularly with the waffling. That's something that assuages their guilt and uncertainty at the expense of our own peace and grieving, especially when hopeium is keeping us addicted.

[kayc]

Absolutely!  But then, in grief we have to be selfish as it takes everything within us to just cope with our grief...take it from one who's been there.  I've lost my sweet husband, my 25 year old Kitty, my soulmate in a dog, Arlie, my sister, parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousin, friend, 24 dogs/cats, it's definitely part of my life now.  That said, not everyone copes with grief by tossing aside their significant other!  Most of us want and need support around us.  However, enough of them do this that you could easily call it a grief response.

[GulfP]

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Why Our Need for Closure Makes Us Selfish | The Huffington Post

Thanks for sharing this article Kayc, it's very helpful.

[kayc]

That said, I don't think it's a bad thing of us to be selfish, sometimes we need to put ourselves first and in this situation, we grieve the loss of our partner so is it any different of us to want closure, want to understand, want to save the relationship if possible?  Of course it's just as essential to realize that while we must respect their wishes for space, we want to honor ourselves but tending to our own best interest, that of healing.  No contact can help with that although most of us do not want to hear that or do it because relationships don't come with an off switch and it's a process to adjust to being out of that relationship.  We do usually realize that, however, in time.