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I’ve been worried about Brat, Joyce, as she hasn’t been here since about mid March.  I’ve tried calling and emailing her.  I know she has pain problems and probably, being in Ohio, in the path of the many storms.  I’m hoping to hear she is OK.  She’s been a personal friend for years since we met here.  Shows me what this family means to me.  ❤️

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I did hear from her.  Unexpected medical problems and she was in the hospital unexpectedly.  Hopefully she will check in and share what details she chooses to.  She did say she had to miss her 2nd covid shot, so I hope she gets caught up there.  You’d think the hospital would have supplied it.  So, she’s home and resting.  Whew.  She’s not out of the woods tho.  
 

when you get here, Joyce, we missed you,  🌹🌹🌹

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2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

So, she’s home and resting.  Whew.  She’s not out of the woods tho.  

Gwen:  Thanks for update.  Good to know she is home and resting.

And Joyce, keeping you in our thoughts.  Take care, Dee

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10 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I did hear from her.  Unexpected medical problems and she was in the hospital unexpectedly.

Oh no!  I hope she's back home and doing better!  Come fill us in, Joyce, we've missed you!  It's been a skeleton crew of us lately.  :wub:

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16 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Shows me what this family means to me.  ❤️

Yes, this IS our family!

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Can't deny we are family.  And, in the roughest conditions, the hardest grief, I do believe we can help people who have suffered our loss, we can help if by no other way than to show them we are still standing.  I miss Cookie.  I think Cookie was ready to "move on" though, and even though we have moved on, sometimes we still stand bolted to the floor, but those bolts can be removed.  We suffer for a day, and sometimes a day has more than 24 hours.  

I dreamed last night I had Alzheimer's.  I still know all my people though.  I think seeing my mama go through it scares me.  I have found things I've repeated on here though, so "elderly habits" have hit me.  

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I miss Cookie too.  Once she got her new poodle she seemed quite happy and cute I hope she is doing well.  Old lady habits?  I’m developing more and more every week.  Now I rely on them to tell people why I’m so slow even on the phone if I have to go to another room to get something I need for a phone call.  Have to really prepare myself to throw Mel’s ball if she takes too long bringing it back and I’m sitting in the house.  Going out for errands is a ritual and bracing knowing it’s going to hurt.  Just cleaned the bird cage and took 2 breaks.  Housekeeper coming tomorrow and I need to move some stuff out of the way.  
 

I’ve never had on do so much over the phone.  It’s been another 3 hours today.  Frigging Sears told me they were coming today but the aren’t. Booked it for the 27th now.  I’m fed up and escalated it for a refund so I can get someone else out here.  I think I successfully ordered some jeans from them, but the email confirming hasn’t arrived.  Have the order number tho.  Well going on 4 hours now.

I often wonder about my mental sharpness.  It’s hard not being as sharp as I used to be. Also having it be so hard moving from room to room as some email goes to a different computer.  I’m transitioning all I can to this iPad to cutdown on trips.

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Trust me, you guys don't have dementia...at least not yet anyway.  It's also one of my greatest fears although I don't show signs of it yet.  My mom knew something was going wrong with her brain before she hit stage 4.  Then she was in ignorant bliss.  I remember talking on the phone with her one day and she said she had a mouse in her house.  I told her I'd bring her some D-Con when I came and she said, "Oh no!  Don't do that!"  I asked why and she said, "Because I might eat it!"  It showed she knew she couldn't trust her brain.  Also she wouldn't go to the doctor for the last couple of years she was home, and I know it was because she feared them catching on and she was afraid of losing control of her own life, like they'd make her go into a facility.  Instead, we, her family, did, we had to take her to court (took a year) to have them order a medical evaluation, and once we got that determination, be on a wait list for a facility.  Meanwhile scared to death for her safety.  It was a horror I wish no one to face.  She had her dog killed, perfectly healthy sweet dog, because she thought the rapture would come and her dog would have no one to care for him.  Showed how her mind worked.  She lied to me and told me he had cancer.  I was afraid she'd kill my dog or burn the house down if she lived with me, besides I still had to work full time & commute, no way could I do it without help and last I checked, I had none.

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I know we have no choice.  I just do not want to have my kids take care of me for so long, like my mom.  They will do it and not show that I bother them, but that is my biggest problem.  

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Thank you everyone for your concern.  I had some medical issues that caused a 10 day hospital stay, my left little toe was really hurting and turning black, they found my left artery in my leg was narrowed and did a balloon angioplasty to fix that and wanted to watch me to make sure it did was it was suppose to.  Also while they were doing all the testing they found a cyst on my right ovary that I didn't know I had and I will need to get that taken care of once my toe issue is gone.

My toe is doing better but the doctor still doesn't know if I will be able to keep it or not for about another 4 weeks, hopefully by then new skin has grown over correctly and the black dead skin will fall off and I won't have to have surgery on it.

Then I can get the cyst taken care of and then I can think about getting both hip replacements that I so need.  I've been in a lot of pain and can hardly walk right now, but hopefully will be getting ALL of these issues taken care of by the end of the year and I will be a lot better.

Again, thank you for your concern and know that I'm on the mend (kind of sort of).

Joyce

 

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Oh Joyce! I'm so sorry to learn of all your heath issues ~ but we do so appreciate your letting us know! As you can see, we've been worrying about you and needed to hear from you. Please know that we are keeping you in our thoughts and hearts as you continue on this journey, and do keep us posted, as you are able to do so . . . ❤️

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Joyce:  Good to hear from you, but am so sorry you are dealing with these health issues.  The situation with the "little toe" is certainly enough, but to have to deal with a cyst, and then hip surgery to follow.  Oh my goodness!!!  Keeping you in my thoughts.  Dee

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Joyce, so sorry all this stuff has hit you, especially all at once. Glad your toe is healing. What a weird thing to happen! Hope all goes well with each of the surgeries.

Take care.

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Joyce, so glad to hear from you!  Wow, to get hit with all those things at once, that's a lot!  I just had melanoma removed from my little toe and it's amazing how a toe can grab your attention!  Hoping they got it all so I won't need them to repeat with a core.  Praying you heal well and don't need repeat surgeries!  Would it be easier for them to take the ovary or remove the cyst?  One thing at a time I guess, sometimes it's hard when we know other things are looming...:wub: Missed you!

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57 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

What is a blog anyway?

From What Is A Blog?
A blog (a shortened version of “weblog”) is an online journal or informational website displaying information in reverse chronological order, with the latest posts appearing first, at the top. It is a platform where a writer or a group of writers share their views on an individual subject.

And from my own Grief Healing Blog, on the web since 2009, at https://www.griefhealingblog.com
. . . this is my way of sharing with caregivers and the bereaved – and with those who care for and about them – all the online treasures I find as I work my way around the Internet, in search of the latest and best information having to do with end-of-life care, grief, loss and transition . . . Here you will find announcements of forthcoming workshops, conferences, podcasts, radio and television programs focused on grief and loss, as well as links to recommended articles and other Web sites, along with an occasional article or book review that I have written myself.

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I got a short note from him but it didn't say much, I think he's still working.  

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I went to your blog Marty and first thing I put my mouse on was by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross.  I am a strange person, but some people I won't read, just as I won't write my daily "getting better, getting worse" words in a journal.  I have missed Billy so much, and his brother also.  Billy took care of him at the end, and we both hurt together.  I randomly pointed to this by Kubler-Ross.  Some things, like I said, I stay away from, for my own strange reasons.  Today, Sunday,, April 11th, 2021, what she said made me feel better, again, in some strange (I need to look up synonyms for that word) way. 

"But at the time of transition, your guides, your guardian angels, people whom you have loved and who have passed on before you, will be there to help you. We have verified this beyond a shadow of a doubt, and I say this as a scientist. There will always be someone to help you with this transition."
~ Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

If Lonnie and his two best friends throughout life, Danny and Greg, were there to  meet him, my Aunt Rubye, our folks,  he is definitely not alone.  

Now, I do have some wariness that his three former girlfriends, I would just be grateful if they were on the other side of the River Jordan.  

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I never knew this about Kubler-Ross.  That she, as a scientist, thought there were guides and another side after death.  I haven’t read much of her philosophy, so now I am intrigued.  I can’t get past my belief there will probably be nothing.  It makes the most sense to me logically, but it adds to the depression of 'life' being finite. I’ve read more about how the body shuts down and many of the often reported experiences of those brought back are normal function of a brain shutting down.  Lights, seeing people, hovering overhead, etc.

I’m not sure what Steve thought beyond he believed in God.  He never mentioned expecting to see anyone like his parents or best friend growing up.  We never talked about meeting up again.  He was in such dementia at the end I don’t even know if he was aware of his own self.  I know he didn’t communicate or know where he was.  It was a nightmare to witness.  Only once he cleared and said I love you when my back was turned and when I turned to him he was gone again to the dementia.  He otherwise was unaware of my, his brothers or any med personnel presence.  Just moving around in his own world.  
 

Maybe he was already gone and we were waiting for his body to stop.  I try not to go back there, but I just did writing this.  It was the most painful thing I’ve ever witnessed.  To have them so physically close yet so far away.  Basically already gone while still 'alive'.  That’s a trauma you never recover from.

 

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2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 I can’t get past my belief there will probably be nothing.  I

I have a lot of trouble with my faith also Gwen.  I keep crosses all over the house, seven in front of my "necessity" for necessary reasons, and I keep remembering Billy asking me "why do you believe like you do?"  I always said "Because I have to" and that was good enough for him.  He had wanted at one time to be a Methodist minister, and he knew the Bible.  He kept me from going down to the Holiday Inn bar right before we were to get my cancer results.  I felt so alone.  Then he told me about the one sheep and the shepherd leaving his 99 to look after that one.  I didn't get any liquor for my anxiety.  Billy took care of me.  Also, religion and the unknown, knowing I was doing wrong, and would I see Billy if I took the 50 morphine.  I am not a wonderful Christian, I have broke all the 10 commandments except killing someone (which I would be doing) and wanting anything my neighbors had. I don't know what is waiting.  I sure am going to keep believing as hard as I can, at least I have that possibility where nothing but dark awaiting me, and not caring,, that is why I believe.  I have to.  

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